How do I forgive my lover for cheating and should I?

[CherryGrl]

I'm new to the forum and have been reading many of the posts in the infidelity thread. I've been reading these because my live-in lover of 8 years recently had a brief affair with a coworker.

 

Until this happened, I never for a minute thought he would be unfaithful. He was working a temporary job where he met a woman and a week later had sex with her after work. He continued to see her for the next two weeks, during which he took her out for dinner a few times, visited her apartment several times and called her on his cell phone nearly every morning as soon as he left the house.

 

I began to become suspicious of his behavior so I confronted him and he confessed that he had been seeing someone from work. I was shocked and hurt, and told him if he wanted to be with her so much he should leave and be with her. I then went out of town for three days so I wouldn't be sitting around miserable, thinking of him with his new babe.

 

When I came home there were several messages from him, and the phone rang soon after. He told me how unhappy he was and said he wanted to come home. Apparently, the excitement of the affair while it was secret didn't carry over when he was free to spend all the time he wanted with her, and after three nights at her place it was over. (Yes, she gave him a key and asked him to move in with her immediately, although they had known each other only about three weeks at the time.) He was going to be finished with the job where she worked the next week, and said he didn't want to and never would see her again. I told him to come home.

 

That was a little more than a month ago, and as far as I know he has had no contact with this woman since leaving his temporary job. He tells me that the last conversation he had with her occurred when he was leaving work on the last day he was there and she followed him out of the building. He says she wanted to know if they could be "friends" and he told her no, they could not.

 

Since that time he has been very attentive and loving to me. We have taken a vacation and had a marvelous and romantic time. Nevertheless, this experience continues to haunt me. I'm having a hard time understanding how he got so involved with this woman so quickly (calling her as soon as he left the house nearly every morning, for instance, apparently having lunch with her at work every day, and arranging to get over to her place several times for sex) and then could get completely uninvolved just as quickly.

 

He tells me he made a big mistake and is very sorry he didn't confront the issues he had with me rather than trying to escape from his problems by seeing someone else. He says I'm the love of his life and he can't live without me. He says he will never cheat on me again. But I'm having a lot of problems with trust right now, and I'm hoping to hear from anyone who might have been thru this and managed to regain trust.

 

He has given me access to his e-mail and cell phone records, just as he has access to all my records. Actually, I always had access to his e-mail and cell phone, but I trusted him and never checked who he was e-mailing or calling. If I had I would have found e-mail from this woman only two days after the affair started which would have left NO DOUBT what was going on as she was very explicit. I later saw this e-mail – and I'm sorry I did.)

 

So, THE QUESTION IS, have you been able to get past something like this and regain trust in your partner? If so, how did you do that? How long did it take? Did thoughts of the affair come back into your head frequently and make your stomach turn and your heart ache (like real physical pain in your chest)? When this happened, did you get angry at your partner all over again for doing this to you? How did he/she react to that? (I've been having attacks like this at least daily, and I need for this to go away.)

 

I really do want to give this relationship another try, since we have always had a great relationship until now, great sex, like the same things, very compatible – which is one of the reasons the affair stunned me so. We had had some problems lately, which he admits were totally of his making (yes, they were!), but the infidelity seemed pretty out of character. Maybe I'm just naïve. Is it reasonable to believe this was a one-time mistake and he won't repeat it?

[Hopingpraying]

Cherrygirl,

 

There are no guarnatees in life, and whether if you are able to go back with him and forgive him, or decide to part ways and find someone else, no one can say whether him or the next guy won't cheat on you.

In my previous relationships I have cheated and been cheated on. I certainly felt bad after I cheated, and didn't do it again. I guess for that I am to be labeled a cheater for the rest of my life.

The fact of the matter is I still loved my current GF at the time. It was just a heat of the moment thing. A one night stand. To me that is a lot less sinister than what may of happened in your case.

 

You really need to get to the bottom of why he found this woman to be more appealing than you at that given time. What were the underlying reasons for his infidelity? If you don't figure out why, then he is probably going to do it again.

He may not to be upfront and honest because he will feel it will hurt your feelings, but explain to him that the two of you need to figure out why it happened and fix it so it doesn't happen again.

 

Good luck.

[brokenpogostick]

i am not a very forgiving person, so you're probably not going to like my post, but he betrayed you, he lied to you, he cheated on you. That's a bunch of hurt that will take a long time to get rid of. I think that you should just move on to someone else that hopefully will not to the same...but, like hoping&praying says...there's no guarantees in life. You have to do what you feel is right...but what he did was totally wrong and then to expect you to take him back..wow...

 

do what honestly makes you happy...

[Beec]

I think you first need to do some soul-searching for yourself. You need to figure out if you can ever truly forgive him and what it is going to take for you to do so. If you cannot, then continuing the relationship is going to be difficult.

 

What he did cannot be defended, and he has not tried to defend it. He was wrong, admitted it, apologized and asked for forgiveness. What else do you want him to do? He cannot take back what he did, all he could ever do is not do it again.

 

That said, all his apologies, acts of contrition, promises to never fool around again, etc., are not going to get you to forgive him overnight. You should not be expected to or be expected to trust him again anytime soon. But you will need to trust the guy who you are in a relationship with, sooner or later. Does he deserve to be trusted? Probably not now, maybe never, depending on your opinion, but you will need to do it, if you want to continue.

 

Once you think you can trust him, then you need to think about what he needs to do and make it happen, and that will probably take a bunch of time.

 

Finally, please think about him being so sweet to you all the time. This will stop and wear off, or you will beging to take it for granted. Any of these is bad.

[Michael2]

You need time away from him. The biggest mistake you can make right now is taking him back and allowing him into your life. You need an outside perspective, and being with him will not allow this.

 

This will constantly bug you. He has apologized and is showing his love, but this is not enough. It all comes down to you. Either you accept what happened and move on, or you continue to dwell on this.

 

My suggesting, sperate for the time being. He is kissingyour rear end right now because he nows he was caught and doesnt want to lose you. I am a fond believer that if its meant to be it will be. Unfortunately, jumping right back into the relationship, and not truly evaluating the situation will cause problems in the future.

 

You have to openhis eyes, and to do this, you have to leave him for the time being.

[brokenpogostick]

i definitelt agree with michael2

[CherryGrl]

Hoping&praying, thanks for your reply. (By the way, I don't think you should be labeled a cheater forever over one mistake. And believe me, if what my guy did were just one mistake in the heat of the moment, although I would be very hurt I would not be nearly so upset, but as you point out, it's a bit more sinister than that.)

 

I have definitely insisted on talking about what happened with him. My guy is a mid-30s professional man with a substance abuse problem. He is the LAST GUY you would think, if you met him, would have this problem, but there it is. So occasionally over the past year he has snuck off and used drugs, risking his freedom, life and livelihood. I've stuck with him thru this as I believe he can get past this, but it has been very difficult. If we hadn't had such a wonderful relationship in every other way, there are times I'm sure I would have left. He says that he started seeing someone else because my feelings toward him had changed due to this and he wanted to be with someone who didn't know this about him and would see him in a different light.

 

He swears he is done with the drug abuse and the other woman, and just wants to show me that I can trust him. He says he thought I was going to leave him, and I have actually told him that the drug abuse has to stop or I won'tt be able to stay. So has it stopped? For now it has, as far as I can tell and I've been watching him very closely -- don't know when he could possibly have found time recently to either screw around or use drugs. BUT I can't and don't want to watch him forever.

 

Badkitty, I appreciate your comments. Understand, tho, that I love this guy very deeply and I've spent 8 years living with him. I've been in relationships before, been married before, and I know that eventually all relationships seem to have some problem or another. I've felt that I really want to give this guy a chance.

[Hopingpraying]

Cherrygirl,

 

I too had a drug abuse problem which according to my wife is the reason for our divorce. I cannot say that it is not, but I think the guy she met had something to do with it too. Regardless this post is not about me, but about you.

 

I don't know what drugs your man is into, but I do know this. He may say he is done with them, but I don't believe him, and you shouldn't either. If he has not gone through a substance abuse program he is doomed to continue to deny his problem. Trust me I have been there. I was only into one drug, Marijuana. While I know Marijuana is not psychologically addictive, at least not for me, I quit it cold turkey, I know it was a problem in my life and I continued to do it. So if he is doing something that is psychologically addictive he is probably in worse shape.

You love this man. Let him know in no uncertain terms that if he wants to be with you he has to get help. Otherwise why put yourself through that pain?

He may be a great guy, but if he is not willing to get help then I don't feel you should put yourself through that. My wife never set me down and had this talk with me I am asking you to have with your man. She just decided I wasn't worth the trouble and left. I don't want you to do that. I am sure what the two of you have is worth fighting for, but both of you have to fight for it equally. If your the only one fighting then you have to throw in the towel.

 

Good luck!!

[drahcir]

Hey...

 

i am really sorry about what happened with the affair..i know it must be awful..

 

i just have a question though...for me am single and never had a girlfriend....is there any advise anyone can give me about how to chose a girl who won't have an affair..how do you know if someone will be faithful..well i am sure one can never know for sure, but are there any indications?? has anyone have any advise on how to prevent the same from happening to me or anyone else???

 

Richard

[CherryGrl]

Very good advice, Hoping&praying. Oh, that his problem were with marijuana, but it's not, it's cocaine. We have talked about getting him into a substance abuse program, but this would have to be done rather quietly since he would lose not only his job but also his ability to work in his field if this were to become known, so it's a touchy matter.

 

I do believe that he wants very badly to quit using this drug. I'm willing to work with him on this problem, whatever it takes. But I just can't go thru all of the heartache this problem entails for a guy who's going to cheat on me.

 

Beec, I know what you're saying, that I will have to forgive him and trust him eventually or I'll have to leave. But any tips for getting over this gut-wrenching, heart-stabbing pain? Or do I just have to wait until it goes away on its own?

[Michael2]

I will answer your question drah, but you can't invade someone else post in order to pose a question.

 

But I will answer anyway.

 

You do not know. As simple as that.

[CherryGrl]

Michael, just saw your post in which you suggest that I must leave him for awhile. Just move out, huh? Not so easy to do. We have a house together and a life together. Our finances and every other aspect of our lives is entwined. To leave is a BIG decision. Why do you feel that the problem cannot be solved without leaving?

[hurtabandoned]

I'm going through this right now so I'm not at the point where I have even thought about trusting my husband again. Its going to take time, probably alot of it. Trust is going to have to be earned back a bit at a time. Some people do make it past infidelity. I too want to give my relationship another try.

 

Be patient with yourself. There is no way that you can erase this form your mind as quickly as you would like. Keep yourself busy and take time to take care of yourself. Speaking to a counselor or at the very least venting on this forum may help.

 

There are times that I have panic attacks when it crosses my mind. Sometimes the thoughts seem to pop into my mind from nowhere. I get just as angry and feel just as hurt as I did when I first found out. I'm sure this will happen less and less as time passes.

 

When the anger resurfaces with my husband he doesn't really know what more to say than he already has. It's not fair that when a spouse cheats they are able to move on after it has ended seemingly with few problems while we are left to pick up the pieces. Good luck to you. If mending this relationship is what you both want it can be done. Take it one day at a time.

 

My husband is an alcoholic. He's been sober for 4 years. I understand how it is to deal with someone like that. He should be thankful that you stuck with him through it. It takes alot of love and courage to handle that. If you can weather that storm then you are strong enough to get through this.

 

Hurt & Abandodned

[CherryGrl]

Hurt and Abandoned, I read your thread regarding your husband cheating on you and I'm so sorry.

 

I know what you mean about the person who cheats being able to seemingly get over it so much easier than the person who was cheated on. Of course, he doesn't have images of his lover with someone else, he knows all of what happened, etc. No, of course he doesn't know what else to say, he's said he was sorry and so on and so forth. Oh, that SORRY could make it all better. I know he can't take it back, I know I have to learn to accept and forgive or get out, but this is so much easier said than done.

 

Like you, I feel myself ambushed by panic attacks seemingly out of the blue. I'm not thinking about it, and then there it is. And I'm hurt and angry all over again.

 

Looking at the date of your first post, this happened to you only a few days before it happened to me, so it's not like you're so much further down the road from the experience than I am. But have you noticed these panic attacks are fewer and farther apart yet?

[brokenpogostick]

i just think the whole situation sucks. he should NOT have cheated on you, period! why should you have to sit here in all this pain that HE caused. unexcusable

[hurtabandoned]

Cherry Grl,

 

Right now, the panic attacks are still happening at about the same rate but they are less severe and they don't last as long. Meaning I only go through a half a box of tissues during a spell and not the whole darn box.

 

Most of the time I am able to keep my emotions under wraps when this happens. I know that I can't lash out at my husband every time I feel this way. But honestly, and it may sound bad, a part of me wants him to feel my pain as long as I'm dealing with this. I know that is counterproductive so I curb that as best as I can.

 

Let me know if there's anything else you need.

 

Hurt

[Beec]

How to get over the hurt quicker? That's a good question.

 

I don't think you need to move out to make it work. People have made it work before with no one else ever knowing what happened and never moving.

 

I think that you need to know what you want, and then when you do, go get it.

 

If I were to imagine myself in your shoes, and that is the best I can do, I would do a few things.

 

I've written about why we fall in love more than a few times. We fall in love with those who meet our emotional needs, those who amke us feel good, and remain aloof and indenpendent, not clingy. Love is a bargain, we fall in love with the best deal. They give us what we value and don't ask for us to give them anymore than we feel we are getting.

 

With that in mind, think about what you do now. What are you getting from him and giving him, how are you remaining aloof, can you really do any of this right now. You are hurt, accepting him kissing your rear and watching him like a hawk. Time heals most wounds and I can think of no other salve, except for him proving that he is now trustworthy. Giving him no time to screw up is not going to give him a chance to earn your trust. Keeping him attached to your hip is not going to keep you aloof. What to do, what to do?

 

OK, you need to see if you can first find a way to create some space. When you backed away from him, split up, he felt what you gave him, and needed it, wanted it and begged to come back. This is your withdrawing him chasing. The common way that love works also requires us to first provide emotional fulfillment, then withdraw, provide and withdraw, repeat again and again. You should keep this in mind in that you will need to still do both, then you can choose what you want. If he is still in love with you in two years, but you cannot get over it, then at least it is your choice to walk away.

 

Withdrawing and keeping tabs on him is what I think you need to do. How you in fact do this is your call. Give him room, let him think you are trusting him, see if he fails, if he passes, then he demonstrates a little trustworthiness. If he fails, well how many chances does he get.

[CherryGrl]

Thanks for the advice, Beec. This is a terribly tough spot to be in. I notice you mention "two years" in your response, and that is a time frame I keep running into. I've read in several places that it takes about TWO YEARS to recover from a lover's unfaithfulness. Oh, God, that seems like such a long time right now, when I'm just trying to get thru this day to day.

 

I'm glad this place is here, as there is really no friend or family member I want to talk to about this situation, and this is so helpful. Thanks to everyone who has responded.

 

As for withdrawing and keeping tabs on him, by withdraw do you mean give him space - as in room to hang himself? I am certainly keeping tabs on him, but I don't like to feel that I have to watch who he calls on his cell, his e-mail, mileage on his car, etc. Then again, I keep reading things from people who said their lover/husband promised the affair was over but never really ended it, so I am very suspicious.

[Beec]

 

Thanks for the advice, Beec. This is a terribly tough spot to be in. I notice you mention "two years" in your response, and that is a time frame I keep running into.

 

As for withdrawing and keeping tabs on him, by withdraw do you mean give him space - as in room to hang himself? I am certainly keeping tabs on him, but I don't like to feel that I have to watch who he calls on his cell, his e-mail, mileage on his car, etc. Then again, I keep reading things from people who said their lover/husband promised the affair was over but never really ended it, so I am very suspicious.

 

 

I have no idea on time frame. So, I meant nothing except to point out that in two years, I'd want to be over it or on to someone else.

 

Yes, you need to give him space to prove he is trustworthy or to hang himself. If he is a changed man, then he can do prove he is trustworthy. If he hangs himself, move on.

 

I'd think that I'd need to keep tabs on him in some way, if I were in your shoes, but would not do it all the time. It's the surprise inspection that catches the soldier with the dirty gun, not the planned inspection. If he is going to stray, then he is only going to stray when he thinks he can get away with it. That means, he won't try until he thinks you are not watching.

[tiger_lilies]

Cherrygrl,

 

Your story reminds me of mine, only mine didn't work out in the end. He cheated, I loved him so much I was willing to try to forgive him. It was completely out of charachter and he claims that he was taken advantage of, one night stand...it's a long story.

 

My ex was the usual remorseful, apologetic, type and I know he felt awful, but that doesn't change anything. It fact is that it still happened and nothing can change that. We tried being together for the next few months. It was horrible. I would also have major panic attacks of envisioning what actually happened. I would constantly wonder whether he was lying to me or if he was the same person I fell in love with. Maybe it was all a big fat lie?

 

But the ending to my story is not like yours. I tried my hardest to forgive him, but I just can't. He gave up in the end as well. He told me that he didn't want to 'try' anymore. That broke my heart all over again. How can someone you love so much hurt you so much? Love is such a gamble.

 

Your guy is so lucky to have you. I sincerely hope it works out for you.

[CherryGrl]

OK, this is what happened. On Monday my boyfriend, who is now working only a mile from home and comes home for lunch, did not call around 11:30 like he has been doing. A little after noon I sent him an e-mail telling him what I had made for lunch. When I didn't hear anything by 1240 I called his cell phone. It rang 6 times but then went to voice mail. So I knew the phone was on, if it's off it goes to voice mail right away. (He can't really turn the phone off right now, either, because the job requires him to have a cell phone.)

 

I called again at 1pm, at 130 and at 2. A little after 2pm he called and said he had been in a meeting and had left his phone on his desk. It was a long meeting and had started a little before noon. He said he was coming home then. A while later he called me and said he was just leaving the garage. Still he didn't show up in the time frame he should have, but a little before 3pm he finally showed up.

 

Swore he was in a meeting. So today I checked the charges on a gas credit card and found a charge for gas at 142pm on Monday. The gas station is close to where he works, so it's not like he was in a whole other part of town. I've given a lot of thought to whether I could be wrong on the times I called, but no, I left him a voice mail at 130pm and I know I called again about 30 minutes after that. I've thought about whether the time of the gas purchase could be off, but no, I don't think so since those things are computerized. If the time happened to be off by one hour he could be telling the truth since he could have stopped for gas on the way home and that might explain why it took him so long to drive about a mile. But really, what are the chances that the time was wrong?

 

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should confront him with this information today, or if I should keep quiet and continue to watch him. I'm thinking that if he is lying, and it seems he is, if I confront him now he will become wise to one way I can track his movements that he is not currently aware of. He may find some way to wiggle out of this incident, and then will be sure he does not leave that kind of evidence around again.

 

If I just sit on this, I can continue to monitor his gas purchases, which would have gotten him into a lot of hot water before if I had been looking for such things. When I looked at the bill yesterday I realized he had purchased gas more than once when he told me he was at work.

 

So, what do you think? Confront now, or wait to see if he digs himself into an even deeper hole that he can't 'splain his way out of?

[Beec]

I'd let himself did the hole deeper. But I'd also be thinking about how to figure out the truth without asking. If and when you find out, you either confront him or let it go.

[CherryGrl]

Yes, I've certainly been trying to think of ways to find out the truth without asking. Trouble is, this ain't easy. Thinking I should monitor the mileage on his car, which I haven't been doing. But as far as the actual "truth" of what he is doing, guess I'd have to follow him.

 

Don't know if you have read all the posts in this thread, but I'm dealing not only with the infidelity, but the fact that he has been using cocaine. So, if indeed he was somewhere other than work, was he with another woman or his drug dealer? He swears he has had no contact with OW, and I tend to believe him. (This may come back to bite me in the butt -- watch this space!)

 

He also swears he is not using and is not thinking of using cocaine, but this is a little more difficult to believe. At the moment, it's hard to imagine what money he would be using to buy any, since he has acknowledged that he can't have money right now and as far as I know has no access to money except me. He's been giving me his checks and I've been paying all the bills out of my account. He has no credit cards anymore, so no cash advances. BUT, he may have a source of cash that I'm not aware of. Also, he has slipped many times. He won't use cocaine for weeks, but then he's gone for several hours and when he comes back he admits that he used -- and it's easy to see that he did. (The last time was June 15.)

 

So, yeah, I'd like to know the truth. He's agreed (offered, actually) to let me see his e-mail (big deal, how would I know how many e-mail accounts he has?) and his cell phone records (big deal, there are other phones.)

 

Thought about getting a GPS tracker for the car, something I read about online. However, geez, I hate to go this far with spying and don't really want to try putting one on the car secretly. I've thought about telling him I want one on the car so that he will know there is no possible way he will get away with being anywhere other than where he says he is.

 

I know, this sounds drastic and intrusive to me, too. However, we have both struggled with the cocaine issue. He has said dozens of times that he does not WANT to use it anymore. I don't know for sure how I would react if he asked me to have a tracker on my car, but I think if I were in his position and truly wanted to stay off drugs and save my relationship I would be willing to do that. Actually, now that I think about it, I would not have a problem putting one on my car anyway. Where do I ever go that is a secret? Nowhere!

 

I'm new to this tracking down the truth stuff. Seems there are many ways to gather evidence, but they only lead to pieces of the truth. Getting the whole truth and nothing but the truth, that's a whole other thing!

[Beec]

We never know the whole truth.

 

If he wants to stay off the cocaine, then he should submit to himself being tracked for that reason, but here is the next question. What happens if you catch him?

[CherryGrl]

Yes, I've thought about that. What if I were to get a GPS installed on the car, and then I watched as he drove somewhere he shouldn't be while fully knowing that I knew?

 

Then I guess I would have to face the fact that he doesn't want to stop using that drug as much as he says he does...