New to Boards, Just dumped, he's looking for someone new

[Goddess4ever]

I really need some help with this one. We had been dating for 5 years, engaged for 3. 5 days ago, he upped and dumped me. Yes our relationship was rocky, yes we fought all the time....I could go on for hours. He is 27, lives with his parents, who support him (car, insurance, gas, etc paid for by parents), he was very selfish, immature, emotionally stunted, etc. I thought that if we worked hard enough, we could make it work. But he could never hold down a job or pay off his credit cards. He lied constantly, and hid important things. In turn this caused me much frustration, anger and heartache, and caused almost a mother-child relationship. I know that this is for the best. I do not want to see him or talk to him again. I am trying really hard to be positive.

 

So on Friday, he called me, started telling at me, and dumped me. I have really supportive friends/family, and have been trying to work on "me". Previously, a year and a half ago, we had broken up for 2 weeks. Three days after we broke up, he slept with someone else. He was talking to her on the internet for a day and a half, then drove down to meet her and then have sex with her. It took a long time, but I forgave him for it.

 

Now here's the conundrum....it has been 5 days since we broke up. I knew that he would be up to his old "ways" again...it was just a matter of time. I noticed....okay purposely looked....that he has a new ICQ # and profile, and it was registered in the last 48 hours. SO 5 days later, he is already looking for someone to f**k (pardon my language). Is this really normal with men...or is my Ex just screwed up? It really hurts that I am so replaceable so quickly. It makes me feel like he never loved me at all. That he can not properly grieve for the relationship. Can anyone give me any insight as to why he would do this? Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated!

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

Well yes your ex major screwed up, so now you are on to better things. Try and remember that because you were dumped (it happens to us all) that you self esteem is playing tricks on you at the present moment. Fighting is never a good sign in any relationship, and usually destroys what is trying to be built. And it would have taken the both of you (not just you) to make it work. And it sounds if your ex was never really ever serious about doing anything that had the word "work' in it. It takes two people in a relationship to make anything work today. Work on you right now, leave the guy go, sounds like he is a slimeball anyway if he is out trying to have sex in just five short days. You could never take him back now, to much resentment has been built. Go be with someone that respects you, this guy does not even respect himself. He has allot of growing up to do, and why wait around waiting for him to accept you, when he is having his own issues accepting himself. Remember you tried, what more could you have done? You have to want a relationship to work out more than anything in the whole wide world.

Some work out, some don't.....this is where I usually say sorry for your loss. But in your case I don't think you really lost that much. Trust me, it was his loss. Work on that thought process and the self esteem, and heal.

 

Good luck

 

Kuhl

 

8)

[brokenpogostick]

well...some men just cannot handle being alone. it sounds like breaking up is prolly a good thing for you. if he can't take care of himself (mommy & daddy pay for all his crap & he has no responsibilities) then how would he take care of you or a child if you decided to have one. he's just being a loser, move on and find yourself someone decent

[lunatic]

Well I cannot offer advise to you on why he is doing this to you. Sometimes people do things that make no sense to me(or you). I would have to say from what I have read in your post that you are WAY better off now. You have to do yourself a favor and stop checking up on him. This will only cause you heartache and pain. Move on with you life and forget this guy. He sounds like a mommas boy who never grew up. 27 no job and parents are supporting him all the time. Think of it this was my dear, if you were to marry this one you would be the one supporting him and being the mommy replacment. That is not what I would want because I have enough on my plate already (I am sure you do too) taking care of business.

 

Forget this one there are many men out there that would love a woman like you.

 

Sorry to hear your in pain! It will get better in time trust me on that!

 

Hubman

[evepm]

Dear Goddess4ever:

 

HE IS SCREWED UP!!! Not all men are like this. His inability to grow up is fueled by his parents. This is not a reflection upon you. He sounds like an irresponsible, self-centered person, who can only see his own needs. I believe that if you do things that you know your partner would not like, than you should not be doing them i.e. hiding things from you, credit card debt, etc. His cheating is another issue. We all know that in today's society sex can be a death sentence. Try not to worry about why he can't grieve and take care of you. I know that it's easier said than done but it's far healthier for you.

 

You sound like a loving and nurturing person who deserves better than this. Lean on the people that care about you and give yourself time to heal. You may want to take a look at why you got involved with this person.

 

Please keep me posted.

 

Peace and blessings to you,

evepm

[Goddess4ever]

I do know I am better off. I also do know why I stayed for so long. It is a mixture of things:

 

1)Afraid to be alone

2)I allowed him to convice me that I couldn't get anyone else

3)I was waaayyy too idealistic, I thought everything could be worked out

4)I chose to believe him when he said he was "trying" to fix his problems

5)I became co-dependent (ie Mother-Child relationship)

6)I was afraid that on one would want me

7)I am overwieght, and I spent 5 years convincing myself that men only want blonde-large chested bimbos

 

 

In the last 5 days I have written in my journal everyday, leaned on my friends/family, made plans for the next 2 weekends with the pals, started a plan to eat better and exercise, and started the motions to start accepting/forgiving myself for my foolishness.

 

I am a psych major in University.....so the personality fits the major. Unfortunately, I need to understand why things happen before I accept them. Guess I should work on that too.....

 

I thank everyone for their kind words, and look forward to reading more replies.

[Caldus]

Yeah, this guy sounds real immature. I cannot believe that he is 27 and still acting like that. You seem like a great person. You deserve much better than that. I'm sure it's hard to forget about him, but it's for the best right? I'm real glad to see that you want to work on yourself a lot more again. And by the way, you are not the one who is foolish. Everyone makes mistakes. It is all part of being human. If we we're all perfect people who never did anything foolish then we would not need God now would we?

[lisaria]

Hey Goddess4,

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time right now but it will eventually get better. It just won't seem like it for a while.

You are going to go through such a tough time over the next few months. But the thing to do is to concentrate on YOU. To hell with him. He was an immature little pr##* who couldn't grow up. You don't want that, do you? If you stayed with him and married him you would always have to be the one in charge of everything because you wouldn't be able to trust him to do the adult thing. Like pay the bills and NOT lie.

But do remember that you will go on and you will be a much better person than he could ever be. He lied, he cheated, he doesn't sound like a nice person and that is what you have to focus on. Not the good things. Until you are over him simply remember the bad things otherwise you'll be wanting all the good things back. And you can't do that during this healing process. Because that is what it is. It's healing your broken heart and your broken life. He was a big part of your days and nights and he's not there anymore. It does hurt, believe me....we know.

So many of us here have been hurt like you are hurting now and we survived. That's all it will be for a while. Just surviving. Getting through the next minute without feeling like someone kicked your world in. Then it will be getting through the next minute and the next until it's an hour and then a day. It will take a while, but you will do it. Lots of days you won't want to get out of bed and remember that is ok. But you get up and go anyway. Work. Friends. School. Hobbies. Whatever will take up your time and get you through the hour. You just get through it.

Good luck. We are all here for you.

Lisa