I'm tired of my feelings making no sense.

[Nidania]

This is exhausting. I really have no idea what the hell is wrong with me.

 

I am a single mom in nursing college. I just got two marks back from school. I got 100% on my anatomy and physiology test. Another 100% on a health and healing paper I wrote. My average is somewhere around 96 - 97% in all my classes. So... why do I feel that it's not good enough? Why do I feel that, no matter what I do, even if I achieve a perfect score, that it's not good enough?

 

Yes, I have issues with my parents, and a really long boring backstory of stupid choices I made and abuse within my adult relationships. I'm in a great relationship now though.

 

I am just sick to death of feeling like a failure. I don't think it will ever change. I will always BE a failure, even when I do something perfectly. How stupid is that???

[Celadon]

Hm, the hard truth about perfectionism is that it never pays off. Perfection is not enough.

 

What I have learned over the years is that it is best to set goals for yourself that you are capable of being GRATEFUL for if they are met. The difference in mindset is this: Say you have to polish six dining room chairs. If you think, "I must polish all six chairs in the next 15 minutes," well, that is a tall order and you will be scurrying like mad to make it happen. But if you think, "I will polish two chairs well in the next 15 minutes," then when you are giving yourself permission to enjoy the polishing process and you have a better chance of looking at the work you have done (Rather than the work you have NOT YET done), and feeling some satisfaction. Does that make sense?

 

Enjoy what you do, and you will feel like less of a failure. With the tests, for example, you are placing hopes that a number will make you happy. In reality, a perfect score doesn't make you happy. It's just a number. What might make you happy is the appreciation of knowledge, or thinking about how much you have learned in the past semester, or simply enjoying thinking about when and how you will use your new knowledge.

 

I hope that helps or at least triggers some further thoughts for you.