miie Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 hi I've recently wondered if my boyfriend is just with me for the sake of being with someone and able to say he has a girlfriend just for the time being. We never do anything! We dont go out during the day to places on the weekend. i know he likes his space but how hard is one day on a weekend - and i dont mean every weekend either! he constantly tells me he has been so bored on the weekend but not once has he asked me to go out or do something. so know i am wondering, if your THAT bored and you still dont even considering doing something with me, why are you with me if you never want to hang out with me. i see him once to twice a week but never for that long. he thinks we have nothing to talk about or he doesn't know what i do with my time - but I barely see him, most communication is done via text and by the time i do get to see him what ever has happened seems irrelevant and outdated. AND even if i do he doesn't listen. I just told him something via text which was relevant to what we were talking about and he completely ignored it, he replied with not even a mention of what i just said! I also am starting to fear that he is no where near wanting to settle down in any way possible any time soon. I dont mean right now, i mean like 2,3,4,5 years from now but im starting to believe he wont be. He is almost 30. He tells me he loves me. Well, he doesn't much. i say it to him i get it back about 90% of the time but its been a very long time since he's just said it himself randomly. Sex, is not much...once every 1 or 2 or 3 weeks! i really dont know what to think these days. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 Hi miie, How long have you two been together? Has it always been like this? Are you LDR? Spotti Link to comment
miie Posted July 31, 2010 Author Share Posted July 31, 2010 hi, Been together about 18 months. Not LDR. We live less than 30 mins away from each other. The frequency of seeing each other has been yep...i thought it would get more as the time went on, but it hasnt really. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 Why do you want to remain in a relationship with him? Link to comment
miie Posted July 31, 2010 Author Share Posted July 31, 2010 He told me he'd have children only if the time was right and with the right person. i might be jumping the gun, kids would be nice and i do think about it but its not posible (money wise) right now for at least a few years anyways....but he seems to have ruled out marriage too for years and years. a girlfriend just broke up with her partner after being with him for 4 years. she is 32.she wanted marriage and kids and while she still can she has to start from scratch now. she feels like she has wasted all that time on someone who probably never wanted it to begin with Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 If you really think about it and are honest with yourself, are you guys going through a rut, or do you feel that he has genuinely stopped caring for you as he did before? Sometimes people in LTRs get lazy with attention, compliments, etc, but if they still love you, they will show you in other ways. Are there other ways he shows you that he cares? Link to comment
miie Posted July 31, 2010 Author Share Posted July 31, 2010 If you really think about it and are honest with yourself, are you guys going through a rut, or do you feel that he has genuinely stopped caring for you as he did before? Sometimes people in LTRs get lazy with attention, compliments, etc, but if they still love you, they will show you in other ways. Are there other ways he shows you that he cares? Yeah its been weird/rough patch/rut since about april or may i think. I have a feeling an old flame got back in touch with him around then...he went very distant. um, ways...its late but i did have trouble thinking ...sometimes he'll send me a text message with a picture of him with saying he misses me, he bought me a book a few weeks ago, wrapped it all up..he visits me at work unexpected. he has been talking about taking a holiday together too.... that really doesn't seem like that much. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 What gives you the feeling that an old flame came back around? The things you mentioned he does are good - he's still doing some things to show you he cares. I think maybe if they were combined with more time spent together, they would be enough. If the frequency has been the same for 18 months, it will be tough to break the pattern, but if he cares enough about you, you can work something out. It could be that he just doesn't get how big of a deal it is to you that you spend more time together, or it could be that he has purposely kept you at arm's length for all of this time. I think at this stage, you have a right to demand more, and you obviously want more from this guy. Have you had an actual sit-down with him about this? As in, "There is something we need to discuss, and I would appreciate your time and attention in this matter", something along those lines, followed by you calmly and respectfully telling him your feelings about this? Link to comment
miie Posted July 31, 2010 Author Share Posted July 31, 2010 Oh, she contact him online. I think it brought up old feelings. Im not good at sitting down and talking about how i feel. Id probably get too emotional and dont say what i should. Plus i dont think he'd listen. I tried talking once before and he kept shrugging and acting like 'what the hell are you talking about'. It was the way i was feeling if i was interpreting what was going on wrong, tell me but he couldn't even do that, just dismissed how i felt so i dont see it going any better this time Link to comment
Stay_home Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 You're speculating a little too much instead of just being direct and asking the questions to get the answers that you need. Obviously this has been going on for sometime so maybe it's about that time that you have "the talk" with him. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 Miie, Sometimes a person's reaction to what you are discussing with them has more to do with the way you come accross than what you are actually saying. If you do have a tendency to be overly emotional when you discuss these things, it may be a good idea to sit down and write out a list of points you'd like to make, then go over it until you've got it down, then stick to it. If you like, you could write down everything you'd like to say to him and post it here, and we could help you get it more clear, concise, and logical. Spotti Link to comment
miie Posted July 31, 2010 Author Share Posted July 31, 2010 Miie, Sometimes a person's reaction to what you are discussing with them has more to do with the way you come accross than what you are actually saying. If you do have a tendency to be overly emotional when you discuss these things, it may be a good idea to sit down and write out a list of points you'd like to make, then go over it until you've got it down, then stick to it. If you like, you could write down everything you'd like to say to him and post it here, and we could help you get it more clear, concise, and logical. Spotti Na its not that. I get upset, but not balling my eyes out and a mess or anything. But previously, when i've tried to talk to him, and said how i felt or what i thought, he would dismiss it - the actual thing i was saying instead of asking why i thought it or felt that way. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 You're speculating a little too much instead of just being direct and asking the questions to get the answers that you need. Obviously this has been going on for sometime so maybe it's about that time that you have "the talk" with him. agreed. i would also evaluate if you are getting what you need from this relationship. i can't imagine dating someone and not wanting to see them on the weekend. that is very odd. i suspect you might be right, he does just not want to be 'alone.' i would talk to him, for sure. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 Na its not that. I get upset, but not balling my eyes out and a mess or anything. But previously, when i've tried to talk to him, and said how i felt or what i thought, he would dismiss it - the actual thing i was saying instead of asking why i thought it or felt that way. the next question is - do you want to be with a man who dismisses your feelings? he doesn't have to agree with you on everything you say, but a man who is husband material should at least hear you out. Link to comment
lkm370 Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 This relationship has run its course, end it. Link to comment
SpottiOtti Posted July 31, 2010 Share Posted July 31, 2010 So, he doesn't acknowledge or validate your feelings, and he only wants to spend a couple days a week with you. And you suspect that he still has feelings for an ex. I think a talk is definitely in order - you need to know if he is worth holding on to. And if he is, then you need to begin getting your needs met in this relationship. It sounds, though, like you don't have much hope that they will. How would you feel if you broke it off with him? How would you feel if you stayed and tried to make it work? Link to comment
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