I Think I May be the Problem / Or At Least I have a Problem

[soporcogitavi]

Im not sure if I should give you a quick brief of the situation or a description of what I think is my problem.

 

Essentially I think I have Trust Issues (and I feel sick because of this), More on this in a bit.

 

The Situation: My Amazing girlfriend with whom ive been with for 4 months and we now live together, saw a guy she dated for about 3 months in total (2 months last August and then 1 Month in January/February this year) at her job, he was the with his GF, she avoided eye contact with him and went on her way. So I guess she got curious and looked up his facebook, which I saw because she left her account logged in. Then because of my stupid trust issues I checked the browsing history yesterday, and noticed she looked him up again last Thursday and again on Tuesday. So again my suspicions got the better of me and I checked her email which she gave me her password to awhile ago, and found messages sent between them when they were dating (which I regretted reading).

 

She has been completely honest with me, told me she met this guy in July last year they date 2-3 months (she new she did not want a relationship with him as he had a history of cheating and partied with drugs often), then she told me they reconnected for a brief period in the early winter (in which nothing concrete came, I guess physical intimacy only) which makes me sick to think about it. She was honest about telling me she saw him, she told me when she saw his facebook account the first time (she did not tell me the other 2 times she looked, and I dont think she has an obligation to do so)

 

I just got so insecure, especially when she told they reconnected months later in the winter of this year for a little bit before he left on vacation (which means that there was obviously something between them good enough for her to start seeing him again). And then insecure again when I saw she checked him up on 3 separate occasions on facebook to look at photos of him and his new gf. Then when I saw his pics I got insecure even more because I saw he was fairly good looking, he's older, and is a Doctor, and then reading those stupid emails just put me over the edge.

 

I feel so dumb for looking and I feel like crap from what I read and what I saw, I just feel like she might regret not giving this guy another shot. She told me she thought he was good looking, intelligent and fun to be with, just not someone she envisioned a future with. She always tells me im the perfect guy for her, im amazing, she loves me and we will be together forever. She has even told her family and her friends that she has finally met the man of her dreams when she talks about me.

 

I just dont know where all these stupid insecurities are coming from, its making me sick and I hate myself for it. I know I have to stop snooping and work on myself instead but its hard. I just dont want her to doubt being not being with him and I dont know if anything that ive seen would justify me feeling like that.

 

I guess sometimes I feel like her desire to be with me will wear off, that im just a novelty for her, that she'll move on to the next best thing, or she might realize she wants to go back with this guy. And the crazy thing is I think that my feeling like this is not justified and maybe its me with the trust issues, and that I have to stop this immediately or I will be the cause for the demise of the relationship. I know trust is so important in a relationship and they always say if your going to snoop you will find something, and now its driving me nuts.

 

It feels good to write this.

 

Please let me know your thoughts.

[LittleAngel]

I think you care about your girlfriend a lot and are afraid to loose her, but as a woman, who hasn't always been an "angel" in my past relationships I don't think you have anything to worry about now. I think a perfect relationship is based on love and friendship and your gf by telling you everything she goes through every day, even if its bumping into her ex, shows that she treats you deeper than just her lover or roommate but her friend and its really wonderful to have a bf you can tell everything without being afraid they'll be mad or jelaus and be forced to hide things from him eventually! I know for a fact that if she would still care about him she wouldnt mention seeing him to you, she wounldnt give you her password etc!

I think you should look at it from the outside like I am now. She chose YOU, she lives with YOU, she shares her every day stories with YOU and its all because she wants to be with YOU and she cares about YOU. Realize that and stop snooping! Its a different story reading current emails between them but some old ones? When she didn't know you exist yet? Don't do it to yourself. Dont ruin your relationship because of your own unsecurities and problem with self esteem maybe? If she changes her password suddenly, or starts deleting messages, going out more than usual, or not picking up her phone as she used to, then you may start snooping. Yes you can. But till then try to appreciate what you have.

And one more thing, its nothing wrong in researching your ex. People are just curious creatures, we like gossips etc and she just got curious. She didn't even delete the browser's history, did she? She tells you everything, so don't force her to be one of those girlfriends who are afraid to talk to their bf's because they get mad or jelaus. I am one of those girls and it just makes me drift more and more far away from my bf every day.. Appreciate what you and your girlfriend have.

[soporcogitavi]

Im just struggling on getting over these insecurities, Im being really open right now, and it bothers me that she slept with this guy I guess multiple times and reconnected again with him, knowing that she wouldnt end up with him, and I know she has slept with more people then me and it bothers me, I know its not right and that this is in the past, just hard for me to get over, this is so childish and immature, but I dont know how to get it out of my head.

[LittleAngel]

I am sorry to hear that. How do you spend your time? Do you work a lot? How about after work activities? Hobbies? All I'm saying is, maybe you focus on her too much, while instead you should find something else to focus on as well. It could be the gym, hanging out with the guys once in a while or doing anything else that you enjoy doing? Maybe you spend too much time with her and while you could do some fun stuff in your free time, you just contemplate and think about her etc?

Because if you keep being unhappy and miserable with her it just doesn't make sense and maybe she's not the person you're meant to be with?

Everyone has their past. And the next girl you meet will have one as well. I think you should focus more on yourself than your girlfriend. Do things you want or always wanted? leave for the weekend? I heard they have those weekend getaways for people who want to boost their self esteem. I think taking care of yourself could help taking all those thoughts out of your head.

[soporcogitavi]

I actually am pretty active, I go to the gym 2-3 times a week, I work 45 hrs a week, Im a food critic also with my own website. Not to toot my own horn, but Im good looking, sociable, responsible. Which is why I dont understand this. I know she is perfect for me in every way, and she thinks the same, she is also constantly telling me Im the man of her dreams, etc...And I never really had these insecurities in past relationships. I think its the fact that im comparing myself to this guy, who is good looking and has a great job, and she connected with not only once but twice, and then searcehed for him 3 times on different occasions on facebook, once she saw him is irritating me.

[LittleAngel]

Sounds like you have an interesting life!

So what that he's handsome and has a good job! She's not with him any more because she chose you! It is not the looks or job that attracts women. It is the men's confidence and how they carry themselves! You need to believe in yourself and start acknowledging what you have! You have a great and exciting job! You are good looking! And you have a girlfriend who loves you, chose you to live with you and on top of it you are the man of her dreams? Sounds like you are a lucky man to me! I think the day you guys became a couple is the day you started your own history. Anything that was before that shouldn't matter.

[soporcogitavi]

Sounds like you have an interesting life!

So what that he's handsome and has a good job! She's not with him any more because she chose you! It is not the looks or job that attracts women. It is the men's confidence and how they carry themselves! You need to believe in yourself and start acknowledging what you have! You have a great and exciting job! You are good looking! And you have a girlfriend who loves you, chose you to live with you and on top of it you are the man of her dreams? Sounds like you are a lucky man to me! I think the day you guys became a couple is the day you started your own history. Anything that was before that shouldn't matter.

 

Thanks for the support, I just dont get why she would go back to him (see him again months later for a second time if she knew it wouldnt go anywhere) and I dont know why im sticking on this its a little ridiculous to be honest.

[LittleAngel]

Maybe she was just bored? Who knows. She didn't know you back then, don't forget that. But is he in her life now? Do they stay in touch? From what you're saying they're not. And she is just curious like all people are, how is he doing now. I check my exs' profiles too once in a while and I would never get back to any of them. I'm just curious.