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Helpful Healing Ideas

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I did not write this but I had saved it and thought it might help some of you new people to the site. I can not remember who wrote it or I would give her credit. Best of luck.


The first phase is shock and you may still be in this. You may feel hurt, angry, confused or numb. This will pass and is followed by the grieving stage and this is by far the hardest part. Some things that have helped me through this include:


1) Talk, talk, talk! Even if you repeat the same things over and over again. Talk to your family, friends, colleagues, even friends you are not that close to. You will be amazed how much support people will give you especially when there has been a betrayal. It's all about letting it out until you are exhausted with talking about it. It really does help. You will very quickly find that some people are easier to talk to/more sympathetic. You will also find people who are reluctant to talk to you or are downright insensitive. Try to forgive people who are insensitive because often they have no idea what you are going through. Venting here is also very good. Finding other people who have gone through/ or experienced a similar situation helps- you don't feel so alone. Actually replying to other people's posts helps me feel better about my situation. You may find that helpful too.


2) Keep a journal and write down your feelings. This is especially handy for periods of time when you are on your own and have no-one to talk to.


3) Go complete NC. Don't answer any of his calls/texts/emails. Either remove his number from your phone (you can write it down and hide it somewhere far from your reach) or you can change his name to X in your address book so you won't see it immediately on your phone (unless you have lots of friends whose names begin with X). Remove him from your speed dial. Never look at his/her Facebook page. If you don't feel you can block him or delete him you can alter your settings so that you don't receive news feeds, email notifications, pictures etc. You can also alter your settings so that he can't post on your wall. Some email accounts have the facility to block certain emails by deleting them as soon as they arrive. You could do that if you wish.


4) Remove as many mementos of him as possible. Hide them. These include photos, gifts, any personal possessions of his, cards. Anything that reminds you of him.


5) Don't listen to any songs that remind you of him or that make you feel sad. Music can really amplify emotions - not good when you feel sad.


6) Don't deny any of your feelings and never bottle them up. If you feel like crying then cry. If you feel angry then be angry. There are a lot of people who say take the high road and don't be angry but anger is a natural emotion. Your ex treated you badly towards the end of your relationship and you have every right to feel angry. If you don't feel angry then this is ok too. If you still love him and miss him then this is normal too. You can't just switch your emotions off. Whatever you feel is normal. Don't be afraid to express your emotions. The quickest way to heal is to go through the pain, feel it and come out the other side. It's much worse if you bottle it up.


7) Get out of the house as much as you can. It may feel like the last thing you want to do but it is worse to stay inside. Go for a walk, cycle ride or to the gym even if you don't feel like it. Spend time with friends. You don't have to put on an act of being happy around your friends. They will understand. Try not to be alone too much. If you can have a sibling or a friend to stay with you do so.


8 ) Where possible try to avoid places that have memories or remind you of the ex. Obviously don't let that stop you leaving the house!


9) Knock your ex off the pedestal. It's natural to think of the good times and very hard to reconcile thoughts of the wonderful person he was with the way he treated you towards the end of the relationship. This may lead you to reminisce and think that you really want him back but remember that he was unfaithful and even blamed it all on you! You deserve much better than that.


10) Don't blame yourself! You may be looking back over the relationship and trying to think what went wrong and while it is true that there is often fault in both sides when a relationship breaks down you must remember that he had every opportunity to tell you he was unhappy. You are not a mind reader. He decided to cheat instead.


Another reason why you may blame yourself is because it gives you a sense of control in an otherwise out of control situation. Think about it this way - you may think for e.g. I wish I'd paid him more attention and this contributed to the break up but if you had known at that time that paying him more attention would have prevented the break up then that is exactly what you would have done at that time. But you don't have that benefit of hindsight so don't blame yourself. You would never have done anything to deliberately break up your relationship.


11) Don't jump into a new relationship too soon. Give yourself time to heal.


12) You mentioned in a previous post about being depressed prior to the break up. You could see a GP or get counselling. I know counselling seems like a scary thing to do but don't rule it out. I'm seeing a counsellor and it is very helpful.


13) Try not to overanalyse why the relationship broke down. I know this is easier said than done because you want answers. Once you get to the stage where you realise sometimes there are no answers then you will feel more at peace.


14) Don't make any sudden decisions about your life, career, home etc. Give yourself time before you think of the future. If you make decisions now you may regret them.


The next few suggestions are things that have helped me more recently. You may not be ready to try them yet but hopefully in a few weeks you will feel better.


1) Things to improve your self esteem. Make a change to your self image e.g. make up, hair, clothes. Anything that makes you feel good about yourself.


2) Smile at a stranger (or if you're like me not very brave then smile at someone you know but not that well) occassionally. You'll be amazed when they smile back. It's a great self esteem booster.


3) Write a list of all your good qualities. Ask your friends for their opinions - you will be surprised how highly people think of you. Read your list to yourself every day.


4) Make changes to your house/flat. Make it your own again.


5) Do things that make you feel independent e.g. repairing a puncture on a bicycle, changing a plug. Do things that make you feel like an independent and capable woman.


6) Think about taking up a hobby. You don't have to be wildly enthusiastic - you may still feel quite apathetic about everything but try to do something new.


7) Understand you may still have days when you feel very down. Forgive yourself for this and allow yourself as much time to heal as possible. Don't think that there is a set time limit to healing. Everyone heals at their own pace.


8 ) Be positive. You will heal and you will have a wonderful future and future relationships even if doesn't feel like this now.

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