should I do it?

[osagun]

okay. i see so many people on here thinking about breaking NC. so i'm here asking the same question. First off she left me because she said she was unhappy and it was a real messy breakup. She still lives here in Texas and its been about 2 1/2 months since i talked to her.

 

should i email her to say hi and how she's doing? or should i continue with NC?

 

confused.

[baxxter]

OK, before asking us you need to ask yourself these;

 

Why do I want to break NC?

What am I expecting by breaking NC?

What is the best thing that can happen out of this, and would that make me feel ok?

What is the WORST thing can come out of it, and am I ready to face that?

 

I am not sure if you are ready to handle any step back at the moment, so I think you really need to think about this, rather than asking us for the answer. I thought about the worst possible scenario over and over for 3 weeks before breaking mt NC. I came out fine, but that took a lot of thinking and guts.

 

Good luck.

[vertigoxo]

Messy break up? I would be cautious if that's the case. Don't want to reopen the wounds or anything for nothing, you know?

[Ms Darcy]

should i email her to say hi and how she's doing? or should i continue with NC?

 

confused.

 

How would you feel if she didn't respond or gave you an angry response?

[lostnscared]

Just because others are breaking NC doesn't necessarily mean that you need to. Not everyone's break up situation is the same...

[lostnscared]

I think that you need to be more healed osagun--because honestly you've made progress but if she didn't respond correctly or if she ignored you, it would set you back. I only recommend NC if you can deal with the possible rejection without having a major setback otherwise your going to feel a lot of hurting.

If you must then do it but just be prepared for anything.

[osagun]

i may not be able to write her i know, but this is what i needed to say...

 

Hey, how are you doing? It's been awhile since we've both spoken to one another. I hope things are good for you. I do want to ask you are you happier now that I am out of your life? I saw your facebook profile picture and it seems like you are doing great. I don't know what else to say to you but I just don't understand why you left me the way you did. The way you left me scared me emotionally and mentally and I'm still not able to recover from that. To top it all off, I loved you, and did everything I possibly could to make you happy. Yet in the end you were unhappy. If that was the case why did you say yes when I proposed to you? If you knew it was a mistake why did you say yes and move all the way here to Texas. You had a clean break, you have nothing in your new place that reminds you of me. You don't even have the car that I bought you. Your new life has nothing that reminds you of me and thus makes it easier for you to move on. These last 2 months have been hell on earth. Knowing that your still in town makes it even harder. If you hated it here so much, why are you still here? I fail to understand how I fell in love with a person who could treat me as cold as you did. Not only have you affected me, but you hurt my family and my closes friends. You spend all this time thinking that your this wonderful person, but how can you be a wonderful person by the way you broke up with me. The friends I had before me and you got together are no more. Because they have connections with you. How can you live your life knowing that you hurt someone who only wanted love you. How can you live with yourself knowing that you turned my life upside down. You TOOK the one thing I told myself I would never give to anyone unless I was sure and ready. You took the pureness of an engagement you took away the happiness of doing the right thing by asking your father for permission. You took the happiness my parents felt when they knew I was getting married. You took that all away and dropped me like I was just any other guy. Maybe I am, but they way you treated me was cold. I'm left with everything that I invested in to make your life the happiest I could. No matter what I did, you left me, left me cold, and left me there to die. Don't you have any regrets? Don't you have a heart. You loved me once, but why did you leave me like that? Why did you quit on us? Why...

[MalibuOne]

Dude, you are seriously hurting still. I wouldn't advise getting in touch with her if you're going to lay all that on her. She may feel pity, but that's not what you want from her, right? Stay NC and become stronger. Return to being the person she fell in love with and maybe you'll have a shot at reconciliation. But even if you don't reconcile, you'll still be in a better place, because you took good care of yourself.

[osagun]

Dude, you are seriously hurting still. I wouldn't advise getting in touch with her if you're going to lay all that on her. She may feel pity, but that's not what you want from her, right? Stay NC and become stronger. Return to being the person she fell in love with and maybe you'll have a shot at reconciliation. But even if you don't reconcile, you'll still be in a better place, because you took good care of yourself.

yeah i know. i have too many questions in my mind. and the biggest thing bothering me is if she moved on to another guy so quick. i figured i write it here and not actually send it. but your right, still hurting. HURTING alot and its already 2 1/2 months.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm glad you got that out but ... you are nowhere near ready to talk to this person.

[osagun]

I'm glad you got that out but ... you are nowhere near ready to talk to this person.

yeah. i'm not. just dont know how to deal with it. hit another road block i guess...

[lostnscared]

Honestly to break NC you have to be at a point where you feel you have nothing to lose and that ultimately if that person doesn't respond the way you want or rejects you, you won't feel a major setback. If you aren't at that point then breaking NC will take you back to the very essence of your break up.

 

Whenever I've broken NC in the past I was already ready emotionally for the consequences of doing so. Sometimes I wouldn't like the response, but it never set me back.

 

Some of the people breaking NC--probably shouldn't be and that is why those very same people will post a thread the next day with the words "I've hit a setback"

 

And there are those that break NC and may feel bad for a little bit, but bounce back rather quickly. I broke NC a few weeks ago, felt bad for 2 days then moved on.

 

I think you *really* ought to be at that point.

 

And you are not there yet at all.

 

When you're there, you'll know it, and that is precisely when you should break Nc--if you even still want to.

[Eddie37]

OK, before asking us you need to ask yourself these;

 

Why do I want to break NC?

What am I expecting by breaking NC?

What is the best thing that can happen out of this, and would that make me feel ok?

What is the WORST thing can come out of it, and am I ready to face that?

I answered these for myself:

 

1. Why do I want to break NC?- Because I miss her, want to know how she is, want to know how she feels about me, want to know if she thinks about us getting back together, want to know if she's had a change of heart.

 

2. What am I expecting by breaking NC?- I'm expecting her to tell me that she's moved on, she's dating someone/others, she's not in love with me anymore, I'm not right for her, she misses me but doesn't want to come back.

 

3. What is the best thing that can happen out of this, and would that make me feel ok?- The best thing that could happen if I contacted my ex right now would be for her to say she's been waiting every day, every hour, every minute for me to contact her and tell her I want her to come back.

 

4. What is the worst think that could happen out of this, and am I ready to face that?- She could fully reject me, blame me for everything, tell me I'm a bad person, point out all my faults, tell me she's with another man and that she never wants to see me again. No, I'm not ready to face that.

[osagun]

Lostnscared...you know my story. i dont know. i thought i was doing better for the last couple of weeks. but, i thought she moved back to Florida but she's still here in Texas. I'm paranoid that i might run into her. and if i do, she might be with someone else. etc. just saying that brings images in my head. thats why sometime i wasnt to look at her FB to see whats going on to prepare myself, but i know that wont help so i dont look. and trust me. its takes so much energy to stop and be positive. its so exhausting.

[osagun]

exactly!!! holy crap. right on point. i dont know everyone. i'm not ready. but damn, when will i be?

[lostnscared]

exactly!!! holy crap. right on point. i dont know everyone. i'm not ready. but damn, when will i be?

 

You may *never* need to break NC even when you're healed. But for most people they break Nc when they are ready to accept any possible rejection or reconcillation.

 

Time will vary from individual to individual.

[WomanWriter]

If you don't have an actual reason to contact her, my opinion is NO. What good will come of it? If she wanted to contact you, she would, right? Unless you are the dumper (and the other person didn't really "do" anything to merit the breakup), I don't thnk it's ever a good idea to contact the other person first without a valid reason. If it's for closure, it's still not a good reason since it was a messy break-up. If you guys had parted on friendly terms, I would say that it would still be a bad idea, but not as bad. But in this case, definitely not.

 

Edit: With my ex fiance, I did contact him from time to time (via email) to see how he was doing. He was the dumper and left me because he felt we were holding each other back in life. He did respond nicely (but briefly) to my emails although he implied that he preferred to heal alone...so I eventually left him alone. Several months later, I contacted him to exchange things and he was grumpy but he complied. A year and a half later, he contacted me to bring me some things (as he was moving) and we were finally able to talk on friendly terms. I had to leave the ball mostly in his court unless I had a valid reason.

 

With my current ex, I tried contacting him soon after our break up to encourage him (I was the dumper but he cheated on me!). He did not respond and was very rude to me when we saw each other. Then he decided he wanted to be nice. From here on out, it is NC all the way on my end!

[annbuckley]

No baby. You challenged her from the moment go. She will not react well. If you decide you want to say hi - say hi - but leave your feelings out of it. Instead, "hope all is well in your world - just wanted to touch base and let you know that you were on my mind." That is it. Nothing more. And even then, I am not sure from what I read of your post that you could do that yet. Think carefully honey. We are here for ya!

[baxxter]

I broke NC of 3 yrs after my first love chucked me away. He is love of my life and I would have done anything for him, but when I visited him in his home town he just would not talk to me about what happened to us, and was very distant, and all he said was,

"You look old with longer hair."

 

All I wanted for all these 3 yrs (in a different country, in fact) was to have a closure talk, and he would not give that to me.

 

I felt terrible after, and it took me further 2 years to be OK. Then I realized that closure has to come from within me.

 

Just giving you an example, sometimes reaching out to ex does not give you anything good, and I really don't think you are ready, osagun, and Eddie.

 

Keep thinking of what is the worst thing that can happen by breaking NC, and stop yourself, for now at least. You need to heal first, good luck x

[osagun]

atleast you made contact with him to see how he was doing. she dumped me and left the ring. im the one going through so much crap and everything associated with this breakup financially, emotionally, and mentally. she's happy because she doesnt have any memories of me. yet she can't call or whatever to see how im doing. i thought we had much more. for god sakes we were going to get married, why is she so cold!

[osagun]

You may *never* need to break NC even when you're healed. But for most people they break Nc when they are ready to accept any possible rejection or reconcillation.

 

Time will vary from individual to individual.

to be honest with you. i would love reconcilitation. I would love to give it another try, but who am i kidding she dumped me like i was a piece trash and did the worse possible way. im having a hard time letting go and my family is worried about me. my friends are mad because im so down and they hate seeing me like this. its bad. i thought i was good. but i guess not....

[Eddie37]

to be honest with you. i would love reconcilitation. I would love to give it another try, but who am i kidding she dumped me like i was a piece trash and did the worse possible way. im having a hard time letting go and my family is worried about me. my friends are mad because im so down and they hate seeing me like this. its bad. i thought i was good. but i guess not....

You know what, my fiance left me 5 weeks ago. She had been secretly purging me from her heart and mind for about a month leading up to our breakup. She was talking to her family and friends, bad-mouthing me, listening to them talk her out of a life with me...she was preparing to leave, in secret. Sure, she would hint every now and then that things weren't exactly the way she wanted them to be with us, but never did I think she would hand me the engagement ring back, pack her stuff and leave...never. But she turned out to be much weaker than I had initially believed.

 

So now I'm left with having to deal with it all. I leaned on my family and friends for about the first 2 weeks and then I started doing all my grieving on my own and on the internet at ENA. I don't care what my family or friends think about me right now, I'm going to grieve and heal in my own time and they'll all just have to put up with it. There is no timeline, there is no right or wrong way to grieve...you just have to do it. I've been 33 days no contact with that pathetic child I once called my fiance, each day the pain dulls a little bit more. No contact is the way to go.

[osagun]

man, were in the same boat man. same boat

[Eddie37]

man, were in the same boat man. same boat

Yeah? You know, I miss her, I do. But honestly, what I miss the most is having someone to share my life with, not necessarily her, she was miserable. I miss the comfort and security of having a significant other to face the rough road of life with, to laugh with, cuddle with, have sex with, travel with, grow with, do everything with. My ex never really fit the bill for that because she was too whiny and immature...but she was always there. It's the vacancy in my life that hurts the most...not necessarily her in particular.