left after nearly 6 years

[grinand bearit]

Hi everyone -

I've been an avid reader for awhile and much of your advice to others has been helpful to me.

This is my story. I have just been away from an abusive relationship for three weeks, and I am having a difficult time.

We were separated last year for over 7 months when I made contact with him--at the time I felt I needed to let him know how I had been feeling, to give back to himin a way the things he had done to me. I thought that I was ready to move on.

Unfortunately, he did the absolutely unexpected thing and called me--after all that time!

Of course, he wanted to "rebut" my assertions. I realise I should tell you all what had happened to separate us prior to that. Last July, after a mindless argument, he took me by the throat and threw me to the ground. I was in pain for weeks and certain I was finished with him.

But, after nearly 8 months, I made contact.

I hadn't moved on with my life and I still loved him.

Long story short--we were together again for 3 months in which time, he left me by the side of the road at 1 AM, in a bad neighborhood, following another argument.

-He told me he loved me and never wanted anyone else.

-He explained to me why I ended up on his front lawn the way I did--after he threw me--and why I might well end up there again.

-He talked about his temper, his paranoia, and I thought he wanted to put all that behind us, although he never once had a real plan for getting any help--he still generally held me accountable for his reactions.

-He called me all the names I was already familiar with, plus a few more.

-He talked about marrying me, we looked at houses and planned a vacation.

-He refused to hear anything I would say in my own behalf, or worse, anything that might incriminate him, telling me, "I don't want to listen to anymore of your lies, etc. You can't convince me, we will not have a respectful disagreement, you can admit you were wrong and atone or, I no longer want anything to do with you."

I told him I would not contact him again.

So, why am I writing to you? Because, like so many women who have been in love with a crazy person, it s so hard to see what is healthy andf what isn't anymore. We all begin to believe the "reality" of the abuser.

I miss him, strange but true. He was my life for years and I can't even now imagine feeling about anyone else the way I did about him.

Any advice, comments--please. There is a lot more to the story, but I have already gone on a long time.

Thank you all.

[Francis]

I am in a very similar situation as yourself, I still see my ex-bf almost every day. He showed his true colours very late in the relationship, he's a liar, a cheater, a lazy slob, although he is a professional. Fortunately, I managed to detach from him sexually and I don't desire him anymore since December. Now I find it difficult not to be with him, we share the same friends but I am doing well.

 

You know you will never marry a guy like this : he is way too dangerous from what you say. You know that sooner or later you will move on. Try to move on at your pace if possible and forget him.

 

Good luck!

[CarterJonas]

Hi,

 

I have been in a situation like you, well similar. Althogh my ex girlfriend wasn't physically abusive.

 

My 6 yr relationship finished of her accord. We had been looking for a place together and just come back from a holiday.

 

I had difficulty thinking straight at the time, although I have never contacted her from the day she left. Of that I'm proud.

 

Now I've made new friends, go out again on casual dates (nothing serious - guess i'm more picky now!!), taken up mountainbiking.

 

Looking back now I can see that the relationship wouldn't have worked. We were not similar enough. Of course when i was in the relationship I couldn't see this. But I do now. Also I rather have spent six years with this girl that say 20 years.

 

Keep up NC, phone a few of your friends, make new ones if you have to and things definitely get better. good luck

[grinand bearit]

Thanks to both of you for good advice.

I know what to do, of course, it is just so hard to go through it.

My latest dilemma is that he has at his house some items of mine (and a couple that belong to my daughter), which I would appreciate having. He won't, I know from experience, return them on his own. I haven't contacted him at all since my last message 3 weeks ago. I would like the things--some have important meaning to me--but I really don't want to see or hear him and I expect that if I write, it will be ignored.

Any thoughts here?

[CarterJonas]

mmmmm. You are definitely entitled to your belongings.

 

I take it from your post that you do not have a key to the house.

 

Could a couple of your friends (or family)go to the house and pick up your belongings on your behalf. That way you do not have to see him. Maybe you can give them a list of the important things you want returned.

 

Otherwise, as you say he will not respond to a message, you will have to go round yourself (take a friend/family) with you.

 

Can't think of anything else.

[grinand bearit]

Thanks, Carter

 

I have been reluctant to go to his house at all, especially with a friend because I know it will only make him more angry. He never wanted our private lives to be shared with anyone--it of course allowed his abuse to remain hidden and I was always made to feel I'd done something very disrespectful andf wrong if I admitted telling anyone.

I guess I am just afraid to have to approach this, I know that there is no way I will get my things through confrontation (however, last year he stole from me some jewelry he had given to me, along with items that were mine before I knew him and even when we were together again, he made no mention of it, nor did he return anything).

I ramble, I know...I am still in the process of trying to let go of six years with this man, still missing him, still angry and hurt by the things he said and did, still thinking there must be some way to make it all better.

[Francis]

BE VERY CAREFUL . The first three weeks of separation of a long relationship are the most dangerous according to statistics (violence and murder).

 

Secondly, write a letter to him with a list of your jewelry too and tell him you want them back, to make arrangements to pick them up. DONT GO ALONE! If you don't get the jewelry back, he will say : I did not see it, then say : someone may have taken them we'll have to call the police.

 

It seems this guy is really dangerous. I am in a similar situation, but my guy just raises his voice. Be careful with this one.

[grinand bearit]

Thanks, Francis

 

I know he will refuse, or say he doesn't have the things.

Involving the police will be viewed as a threat--even if I follow through with it, I am afraid it will be my word against his, and he may well have ditched my stuff by now anyway. If he hasn't, he will say he did.

I do appreciate your reply and I don't want to sound like I am negating your thoughtful advice. I just know this guy too well, and I know how well he protects himself and avoids responsibility.

On the other hand, I feel like an incapable child when I let him get away with it.

Sorry to whine--thank you again for responding and caring.

[grinand bearit]

Hey guys,

 

I haven't made contact at all, not even to arrange to get my things. I need to think about it all a little more, I guess.

I was doing pretty well for a few weeks, but lately I feel like if I saw him or heard his voice, I would be drawn back.

I think about him all day--what else could I do,? How can I get through to him that he needs to look at his behavior,? How can I get him to see that I love him no matter what,?--all kinds of crazy things,\

I still somehow believe that we were meant to be together and I miss him so much. I am not denying that he is abusive and I know that there is no way I could have been that would have prevented his behavior, but yet I sometimes think, maybe there's a way.

Am I stupid, or what!? I try to stay busy, but it's not working very well.

Why is it that after 3 weeks I feel worse that in the beginning?