Today

[littlegirlblue]

I've been awake since 06:20am this morning. I can't sleep yet my eyes feel very heavy. I hate this feeling

 

I took today off work as we were going to go through to Edinburgh for a nice lunch and then on to his gig at night. Now I'm just going to be sitting in alone while he goes to his gig and probably meets this girl. The thought is making me sick. I don't know how I'm going to get through the weekend. I'm not speaking to my close friends right now as they seemed to have turned their back on me due to them both starting a relationship together! I introduced them to each other and now I've been ousted at a time i could really do with the company and support. I know they are both going away for the weekend too which makes me feel even worse. I feel so alone and incredibly stupid for letting him do this to me again. Part of me was even thinking he's done this deliberately so he can go test the water with this girl (she lives in Edinburgh) without feeling the guilt of cheating on me.

 

He told me on Monday he was starting to have really strong feelings for me again and for the past few weeks i'd spent every night at his and every weekend and now this. Does anyone here think he maybe has some sort of personality disorder? He changes how he feels too often and is so convincing either way...whether it be when he's ending it or coming back to me. He's just so flamin' convincing.

 

Today and this weekend are going to be the longest days of my life. All i want to do is go to work to try and get distracted but i can't. I have no one else i can contact to do something with. I don't know if any of you feel like this but i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up.

[waveseer]

Do you have evidence that he is meeting with another girl, or are you imagining the worst?

[littlegirlblue]

I don't have evidence that he is going to meet her but i know he has been talking to this girl on Facebook and he told me at the weekend (when he was being drunk and nasty)she was interested in him and even showed me her messages. She's definitely keen. It's just seems like too much of a coincidence that he has a gig in Edinburgh (We live in Glasgow) and that's where she lives and all of a sudden it's off between us again. He told me he isn't attracted to me anymore. He said he wants to be but all those times i rejected him for sex has made him see me as a non sexual person. He said we have a closeness that he's never had before but the sex is missing and it makes him feel rejected. I only rejected him in the past because he made me feel so bad about myself.

 

But I am imagining the worst...he once deliberately fell out with me so he could go and meet his ex when she came up from London. I know nothing happened between them as she has moved on a long time ago but we weren't stable at the time at all and i asked him not to go and meet her. Two days beforehand he started a massive argument over a carton of milk! I ended up going to my dad's for a few days and he went to meet her and her new boyfriend. So i could see him ending it just to meet her and see if there's anything there. I know this is so wrong if that is the case.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me as I'm sitting here typing this hoping that they don't click and he'll come back to me. I shouldn't be feeling like that. I should be telling him to F off and never contact me again but something stops me?....

[WockaWocka]

He told me on Monday he was starting to have really strong feelings for me again and for the past few weeks i'd spent every night at his and every weekend and now this. Does anyone here think he maybe has some sort of personality disorder? He changes how he feels too often and is so convincing either way...whether it be when he's ending it or coming back to me. He's just so flamin' convincing.

 

I don't know the backstory here (it may be in other threads) but: why have you taken him back so many times? It takes two to tango, and only one to set boundaries on acceptable behavior.

 

Not trying to blame you, I am sorry you are hurting -- clearly you like him a lot, so much so that you're socially isolated -- but some introspection may be in order. Also try to distract yourself this weekend if possible so you don't spend it pining over him. Google "stop thoughts" for some good techniques.

 

Hope you feel better.

 

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[littlegirlblue]

my original thread re the history is on here:

 

 

 

I used to believe that if he for help for his depression and found a job that he would stop taking his frustrations out on me. He hasn't always been like this. It all happened when he tried to take an overdose in 2007. He then fell out with his parents, I had to have a termination (due to the baby not developing properly) only 2 months later. It didn't even work the first time so i had to go through it twice and then a month after that my mum died so we've been through a lot when we really had no external support. i guess I've always felt if he got back on his feet again I would see the old S back as deluded as it may sounds. I love him with all my heart and i would give anything for it to work but i'm just so tired of it all now yet my heart is still pining.

 

I've just done a stupid thing too. I've just text him to ask if he would still like me to look after our dog this weekend as he was going up north for a gig and needs to stay overnight. I said i could do with seeing the dog to cheer me up. I'm majorly regretting it now. Argh...oh well...it's done now!...i can't take it back!

[WockaWocka]

Wow. I looked at your old thread and couldn't help but wonder why you'd even want him back? He's shown you his true colors many many times by treating you terribly. Aren't you worth more than the breadcrumbs of affection he's showing you to keep you interested? I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe read over your old thread again and ask yourself if this behavior would be acceptable for someone dating your sister or close female friend? If not, then why is it ok for him to treat you like this? By hanging on I think you are only showing him that you're content to be his backup, his #2. You deserve better.

 

You might want to look up some of SuperDave's threads on NC, they've been incredibly helpful to me during my recent breakup.

 

Hugs,

Fozzie

 

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[littlegirlblue]

I know how it must look. I can see reading it myself. He just seems to have two personalities. When we're getting along it's great and he makes me feel great inside but then it's like he realises it's going great and we're getting too comfortable and he has to stir things up.

 

I've just had a meeting with a cognative behaviour therapist who said she is going to make me realise that the reason i let him treat me this way is because i don't believe i deserve better. I'm hoping that as the weeks go on attenting these session i will get stronger but I'm just worried, like the last time, he will contact me telling me he misses me while i'm still in the missing him stage...i don't know what's wrong with me. Why i can't be strong and say no? It's really upsetting me just now wondering why i can't do it?

 

I won't be contacting him again after that text. I would still like to go over and sit with my dog for a bit for comfort but I doubt he'd let me. SuperDave's threads are definitely an eye opener. I don't think i'll have much problem going NC. At least i'm hoping so! I guess out of experience i've learned that having your contact ignored is such a horrible feeling so why put myself in that position in the first place. So tomorrow i will start 1 day NC

[littlegirlblue]

Well i got a response to my dog sitting text. He said that would be a big help and said he would bring the dog over later but he knows my landlord doesn't allow pets in my flat. I text back as i would like to see my dog and said I can't watch him here for that reason and he said "Coming over here is not an option. Don't bother. I'll get someone else to watch him"...Argh! Stuff him. He's still playing games! I give up.