Quit making me cry

[annbuckley]

We are selling our house and he is with someone else. Last week, our last words were i love you. This week, while I was away and he was taking care of the house, and on the table he left me a nice card saying that he had done some chores and that we needed to talk about the future plans with the house. I have been on the NC diet for only a week. Limited contact for longer. I have pulled my elastic band on my wrist a hundred times if I pulled it once. I came home to that card and cried so hard that I puked.

 

Why does he still have an effect on me. We have been broken up over a year, divorce papers are issued (nisi) and within the next couple of months I will be completely divorced. Why does he have a hold on me? I just want to stop crying. Help - I feel like I am drowning!

 

Ann

[tks]

That doesn't seem very fair for him to be telling you that he loves you and he is with someone else...

Why did you break up in the first place? What's the story there?

[annbuckley]

That doesn't seem very fair for him to be telling you that he loves you and he is with someone else...

Why did you break up in the first place? What's the story there?

There is a long story - suffice to say - it was not possible for us to stay together - too many deal breakers. The I love you - was a kind goodbye. Or - so it was for me. It was I who initiated the contact when i learned that he was going to go away for the weekend with his new girl. He is not a normal guy - has bpd and npd - and he is very addictive on one hand - and extremely verbally abusive 4 times a year.

 

I am better without him - and I know it - but I loved him so much. He is toxic - but that doesn't take away from our good - because he was only really bad a handful of times per year. But it is draining, and frightening. Doesn't mean you don't love them even when you know they are the wrong ones for us.

 

Very sad. I just want to stop crying. Sell my house and move on - in time - I am sure I will be fine. It just hurts.

[savignon]

It's very painful. My worst break up ever was with a guy who had some mental problems (bi polar qualities and had taken lithium and been institionalized and the whole 9 yards...I'm not a doctor so I can't really diagnose what he had). Anyways, I felt the same way as you...that the break up was for the better, that I was better off, that it wasn't meant to be...but I also cried so hard I puked, talked to aaannyone who would listen, cried on my way to work ,at work, in the bathroom, on my way home, watching TV, rolling over in my sleep....I was a WRECK!!! I kept telling people, "If you can die from a broken heart, I'm dying!" I really thought I would never be the same again.

Later, when I heard he was engaged to the girl he dumped me for, I had a HUGE sense of relief and the first thought that popped into my head was "he's her problem now" ...meaning all the mood swings, all the medication issues, all the heartache was LIFTED off of my conscious and not part of my life anymore....phew!! It wasn't what I expected to feel, but I was genuinely relieved and had my green light to move on.

Several years later, I'm happily married and look back at a version of me that seems entirely like a stranger. I don't have any connection to that pain anymore.

I wish the same for you and I know it will happen!! xoxo

[annbuckley]

Oh God - How I hope you are right! I have been crying for a long time. It is so strange with these people. If you haven't been with someone like this - it is hard to explain. They are intoxicating in so many ways. I loved my husband more than life itself. One day..........I hope I will feel normal again. Thanks for your support.

[Hell_On_Heels]

AB, read the other thread about getting over a narcissist. Lots of good stuff in there. It's been helping me.

[annbuckley]

Wow - there are a ton of people dealing with NPD!

 

amazing. ox

[Hell_On_Heels]

xoxoxoxo back atcha And a Dating Game kiss, too - Muah!!

 

It is kinda scary to think there are so many of them out there...and then I wonder if I'm not just throwing labels onto him to ease myself through this divorce...and then I realize, he really does fit the profile in many ways, and I've never been this devastated by a breakup before. Maybe so many of us need this place as much as we do simply because the trauma is so great with NPDs.

[annbuckley]

Hey cookie - I second guess it all the time. I think I am such an expert some days! But yes, they are. Some of the characteristics are more mild than others - but you betcha. My friend thought I was labeling as well, till she started really looking, then reading and she had the AH HA moment. Don't second guess. It is a killer.oxox

[Hell_On_Heels]

Don't second guess, lol. Yes! Just form an opinion and boldly make it the truth! I am kidding...there is a lot of sense in what you're saying.

 

My subconscious is working overtime to get this stuff out of me these days. I have been dreaming of him, and not in a positive way. The dreams outline what he did, who he was, how he treated me, how I treated myself...some of it is painful - the stuff about me is painful. The stuff about him I want to crawl away from it, if that makes any sense.

 

I had a dream about him way back when - we hadn't been dating long. We were on a bus. He kept talking to other people (we're both very social so at first I wasn't bothered by this). But then I needed him for some reason (I was bleeding or ?) and I'd call his name. He'd look at me and then go right back to talking to everyone else. He couldn't or wouldn't see that I needed help, that something was wrong. He had no expression on his face, no emotion at all.

At one point, he decided to get off the bus and left me behind. I was panicked, freaked out...and I couldn't understand why. I was 42 at the time and perfectly capable of riding a bus by myself. But the betrayal, the abandonment - I don't know, it just left me in panic, heartbreak, and despair.

 

Had I listened to that dream, maybe I would've walked away then. Clearly I was already learning about him but refused to see it. And of course, he left me, has no emotion or concern about me, and I was panicked, heartbroken, and in despair.

 

See! Dreams DO come true! lol. But seriously, thinking about that, the power of dreams, the power of pictures, I've started to use pictures to push him away. I visualize that we are on opposite sides of a large river. He can't get to me. I am safe. If I feel like he will try to cross the river, I turn my back and walk away OR I push him backwards (with my superpowers) so that he c an't get near me.

 

Weird stuff...but it's helping.

[annbuckley]

Not weird at all! Shakti Gowan is famous for a book called Creative Visualization. She came out in the early 70's towards the end of the flower power era. Her stuff, along with many others, boasts the importance of visualizing a situation and creating a new memory path. It is brilliant. Great reminder!

 

As for dreams, I dreamed that we both jumped into the biggest whitest wedding cake you ever saw. Both together - both laughing. It was (as most dreams) a dream of contrary. It was a big marriage - full of big stuff -both disappointing and enchanting. So much damage. Now there is cake everywhere - and a huge mess to clean up.

 

Hope you are well today my friend. I am bawling like an idiot. But this too, shall pass. xo

[Hell_On_Heels]

Ugh! I hate the icky crying days even though I know they help us heal. Maybe we should visualize that every tear is a release of the poison they've injected us with...

 

I am doing pretty good, all things considered. I haven't responded to the last divorce email. Sometimes I feel like a spoiled brat about that, but mostly I feel better when I don't have to deal with him. I thought I might be crying today, but it was good actually. I shed a few tears this afternoon when my youngest son came to visit, but those tears were for me and my situation...not the ex.

 

Draw yourself a lovely bubble bath, and have a glass of wine. I have done this countless times and it helps...I don't know why.

[annbuckley]

I was doing fine honey - it was that stupid card I came home too and then the discussions about the future of our home. I was just fine. That is probably why I am so mad. I get three steps forward and run two back. I cracked a beer, (wine gives me a hangover) and am looking at my life - what a freakin soap opera!! I should write this crap down! Between my jailbird and my ex - whoooo hooooooooo I am so successful in relationships!!

[Hell_On_Heels]

I know it was really hard to get that card. This is why NC is so helpful for us. It stops new pain. We'll still process the old stuff but we won't get any new wounds - and that's crucial right now.

 

It really does cut that our lives are in ruins, literally. I think that's the biggest thing I struggle with now. And we are doing all we can to help ourselves - but time doesn't move fast enough, the things we need haven't come yet....it's a killer. It really is.

 

You can't blame yourself for these relationships. The one would've taken anybody by surprise...and the other, well, you already know the drill there. It's extremely unlikely that an NPD can have a happy relationship with anyone. In my meaner moments, I find that thought comforting. We loved them, and we did the best we could. We missed the signs and that's about all we can learn from this.

[summerpeach]

read up on some info about codependency.

My ex from 2002 had some serious mental issue, which I only discovered a yr into the r/s and which he hid well. He was a sociopath, I have NO doubt. No one even knew how sick he was, I snooped and found out. Had I not, I would have continued to fool me.

 

When he left me, out of the blue, after cheating on me I was crushed. I cried more than when my ex of 11 yrs left me.

He had this hold on me. And why? He was a sick puppy and totally crazy.

 

It took me years to understand why, and it's because being the good little "fixer" that I am, I felt like I could fix his mental issues. I wasn't done with him yet and needed him to fix to feel better about myself. Keeping the focus on him, was taking the focus on me and my issues. His leaving was telling me I was not a good fixer.

He was with another girl right away and I felt hurt like mad, but then realized I didn't have to put up with his sickness anymore.

 

He left, I went FULL NC (until he contacted me 2 yrs later) and was better off.

But that first few months was hell, pure hell!

 

Take this time to focus on you and why you would pick toxic men.

You're not alone, Many smart and loving women get caught in the crazies with men with mental issues

[Hell_On_Heels]

Know what's werid for me? I really didn't know he had mental issues until a month ago, after the breakup. I thought he was self-absorbed, and selfish...but I didn't realize how damaging he was to me all through the relationship. I didn't try to fix him - but I did try to get my needs met, and that only caused resentment and anger on his part - which he never expressed to me. He just kept it inside, seethed, and then left me, long before he physically left me.

[annbuckley]

mine too - but i started researching years ago when things were starting to get bad. Absolutely - codependency rules here with an iron fist. It is very true that we try to repair the damage and each time it becomes more frustrating because we are trying to change the impossible. I know that you can't change someone - but I also know that emotionally we as codependents become the receptacles for the stuff they should be dealing with - but we inevitably take on as our responsibility. Both Npd/bpd and codependants have serious boundary issues. I agree with your post completely.

[No1]

This one is hard for me to advise on. You X is bad for you, you know that but you are still attracted to him. But why are you so attracted to him? Was is the sex? Is he just the hottest thing ever? He has a hold of you cause he is the best at something and you have never had better or fear you will never find better.

Just my thoughts. I could be wrong, but Im going from personal expirence here. My X has a hold of me but I know why she does. She is the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen in my entire life and my fear is that Ill never date anyone more beautiful than her. So I hold on to this hope she will return cause she said I was the best she has ever had at everything! yes Everything.. So for me, its a little bit of Ego, selfishness, that Ill never find hotter. But she never abused me mentally..

[jenna-is-here]

HI Anne - I just wanted to mention that I cried the hardest & most right before all the crying stopped. I could not believe the change from one week to the next. It all stopped. Maybe this is your final get-it-all-out time. Hang in there.

[annbuckley]

Jenna I hope you are right. I am a basket case. I am so tired. I am crying as I write this. My best friend is hurt because I won't talk to her about it - and my other best friend knows everything about it - It is like I can't do it twice - now I feel guilty. I tell myself that "this is enough" and then I am back in kleenex soup. I go into the shops - start crying - sobbing - hiding from people seeing me sobbing... good lord. I am a spectacle. Thank you Jenna.