Wanting advice; long

[LizS]

So, I've been checking out this forum recently, as I have just split with my boyfriend, and decided it might help to post my situation and try to get completely outside perspectives.

 

My ex boyfriend, met a year and a half ago and immediately started dating. I am now 22, he is 24. Things went good for about a year. We never fought, neither of us has trust or jealousy issues or anything of the sort. About a year in, things started to get slightly strained and we fell into a routine. I was always in a bad mood because of roommate issues. He had to move back to his parents, but half the time he lived at my apartment as well. We would both be busy until 10-11 at night, and he would come to my apartment and we'd go to bed. Of course, we texted and emailed every day, all day. Things were still going pretty well. Although, we had some small issues, such as the lack of communication and he felt that I wasnt interested in his interests/friends. Ive always been interested, just unsure/scared about how I'd fit in.

 

He moved into a new apartment in June, the same week I moved back to my parents. I noticed he started acting strange. I asked him if he was angry at me or if something was wrong. He said "no, you did nothing but be awesome, I dont know what my problem is." I could still sense that something was off, though. A week later, he told me things were not working, that we werent progressing, and that things had always been good, never really great or bad, though. I asked him if we could give it a couple weeks to see if we could improve things, and that I would spend time with his friends. He agreed. Five minutes later, he changed his mind and was adamant about only being friends. We were never friends to begin with before we started dating, so we both thought that hurt our relationship. We jumped in too fast. I was very hurt, but not incredibly worried, because I figured we would get back together after a couple months.

 

The entire week after we split up, we texted every day and met up to talk about what to do. We agreed to work on being friends, since we really never were. I was actually excited about working on this and felt good about what was happening. He gave me a big hug, and said "please hug me, I dont get any anymore." The second week, he told me he missed me and we had plans for me to a game night at his friends house. This is a weekly event that he had always invited me to, but I never went to, because I was scared his friends wouldnt like me, scared of the unknown situation, and I made excuses not to go. Its a dumb reason, but its the truth. I was excited about going, but the game night was cancelled. He still told me we could hang out if I wanted. I went to his place, and we watched a movie. Throughout the entire movie, he kept leaning on me and trying to get me to cuddle him. I went along with this, and was so surprised I couldnt think straight. The movie ended and I got up to go home. He pretty much begged me to stay and said "friends can cuddle!". I said that I needed to go home and that he needed to go to bed. He hugged me very tight, held onto my belt loops, and said "this just sucks". I left for the night feeling good about us. I did not stay with him that night because I did not want to do that after a week and a half of being split up, I didnt think it would be beneficial. The next day, I went to his company's film showing with him. He was distant and cold. He sat next to me, but thats about it. I ended up going out alone with his friends, he went home. I would have never had the guts to do that before. I had fun, and his friends told me I should come around more. I was very confused, especially after what had happened the night before. The next few days, he was cold and not the affectionate, slightly needy person he had been the week after we split up.

 

The third week, on June 28th, I went to another event that he had ALWAYS invited me to our whole relationship, but rarely went to because, again, I was scared I wouldnt fit in or that his friends wouldnt like me. This was capture the flag. I went, he acted like he didnt know me. I was SO frustrated and confused at this point. After all, I was going to this event for HIM. Of course, I had always wanted to go all along, but I was there for him. I called him and asked him what his problem was. He got mad and said "what, are you mad because I didnt stand next to you the whole time?" And I was mad at that point, because just 5 days earlier he was begging me to stay with him. The mixed signals were driving me nuts. I was fed up and sent an email asking him what the hell he wanted to do and where he stood, because I didnt understand. After this, and the angry phone call after capture the flag, we didnt talk at all for a week.

 

The fourth week of being split up, on July 6th, he sent me a message saying he was open to talking this week and that he hoped I had a great weekend. We talked about random stuff on facebook chat, I asked if he was dating someone else. He said no, that he was lying low and didnt have anyone lined up and wasnt looking. He even said "I assume youre doing the same?" I asked him if he wanted to keep me around. He said "yes, as a friend, but dont smother me." I asked when I had ever smothered him, and he said when I decided to come to all the things he had always wanted to when we were together. The thing is, he specifically invited/asked to me to come to all of the things I went to! So I was confused, yet again. How could he feel smothered by me coming when he had asked me to come to all of these social events? I asked him what the point of keeping me around as a friend was if he felt uncomfortable with me at these events. I told him I didnt see the point of keeping me around, and that felt like I was nothing in his life. This was on chat, and he never answered. A couple hours later, I sent him an email saying I would be out for a few months and that I was willing to work things out if he wanted to, and that if he wanted to talk, he knew how to get ahold of me. I essentially told him I didnt want to see him, it was almost a goodbye email. I deleted him from my facebook. The next day, on gmail chat, I told him if he still wanted to come to my performances (Im a dancer), it would be ok and I would let him know when they got closer. He said "I would come. Please do let me know. And you should come to capture the flag on monday." I said "Did you not just get my email?" He said "ah, crap. Nevermind, dont come. Whatever. Its lunch break, Ive got to go. Good luck sorting me out." ??????

Again, I was left feeling so confused. Why would he ask me to this event AGAIN, after I told him I didnt want to see him for awhile, and after he told me he was uncomfortable with me there? We have not talked since then. I did go to capture the flag again, we did not talk. I find out a week ago that he's officially in a relationship with another girl that he's known for a couple months. I think something must have happened at his birthday, which was July 9th. This "relationship" happened a week after he told me he wasnt looking and only 3 weeks after he begged me to cuddle with him and told me he missed me and that it sucked. WOW. I kind of saw it coming, because he lives off physical affection alot. But wow. And apparently she just broke up with her boyfriend too. This girl looks good for him on paper, she shares his interests and everything. She is 26, but looks very young. She lives at her parents, with a pizza job. She is not as attractive as me (I feel terrible for saying that, but of course I compare myself to her).

 

I'm worried. I want my ex boyfriend back, to be honest. I have no idea how to go about that. Ive been told to disappear for a year, and then come back and be friends with him and work my way into his life again. I've been told to write him a letter/email saying the honest truth and that the door is open if he wants to come back, but that I will not wait forever. Because I do absolutely believe we could be awesome together. There are small changes that we would both need to make, and we need time apart. But I know we could be great. He shoves his emotions down and this girl is a means of doing that. But I do know he actually likes her too. This is what scares me. Im scared to disappear for a year, because I feel like it would be lost time. Im not sure what to do. Im not depressed, I feel like I have a good understanding at what happened; he was tired of the relationship he was in, saw something else, and saw a way out. I think he may have been trying to keep me around as a friend in case he changed his mind about this new girl. My ex is generally a sweet person, he has no history of doing things like this. He is very needy as far as physical affection goes. He loves cuddling. Otherwise he is very independent and a great person. I think the whole thing is very ironic, because a worry of his about us was that we jumped into a relationship too fast....and look what he did with this girl, he did the exact same thing.

 

I need advice about how to stay in the back of his mind and how to go about getting him back. This new girl is a huge roadblock for me. Judging by his facebook, he seems to be happy with her, and I realize theyve only been dating a week and of course things are new and exciting now. Im torn as to whether I completely disappear for a year or so, then come back and try to be friends or to send him a letter now explaining how I feel and thats it. I do not want to be just friends with him. We are both very physically attracted to each other. I do not believe he is over me by any means.

I have been in almost this exact situation 3 years ago. I just talked with that ex a couple days ago, and he suggested I wait a couple months and send a letter if I still feel the same way. He said that after he dumped me, he didnt even want to think about me or the situation for a couple months, but then at that point, he started to question and think about me more. I ended up getting back together with that ex a year and a half after we split up, and splitting up again. I do not regret any of it.

 

I do understand that he may never come back, that his new relationship may work out awesome for him. But Im not ok with looking back and wondering "what if?" about this situation. I feel like I need to really know if we wouldnt work. I really do not want to lose him. I know what I need to do to remedy my issues. I do not want him back right now, because I know it would not work out at the moment. But I do want a chance with him in the future. I feel like I could marry this man. I realize he has to want to come back, and that I just cant convince him with words. We had a very loving, physically intense, yet comfortable relationship.

Suggestions as far as what my actions are now? Hes been signed off googlechat for two weeks, the last time we spoke. He recently signed on two days ago. The ONLY reason he has to be signed in to googlechat is to talk to me. Im half expecting to hear from him and Im not even sure what I would say or if I should respond....

I want to add that I still talk to his friends all the time, and am still pursuing his/my hobbies that I've always wanted to pursue even though we are split up. His friends also do not approve of him going into a relationship with this new girl.

 

Thank you much, I realize this is horribly long, but I felt I couldnt leave certain things out.

[LizS]

I do also want to add that while I did always have an interest in his hobbies and friends, I had no idea that it meant that much to him that I attend these social events. I always brushed them off because I was busy or afraid I'd go and look awkward or stupid. And he seemed to be ok with me not going. I knew he would have liked me to go, but it was only when we split up that I understood that it meant alot to him. He never told me he was angry or disappointed I didnt come to something. I feel like if he would have sat me down and told me that he was sad I didnt come, it would have given me the kick I needed to fix it. Im angry that he didnt express his feelings to me until we split up, when it was too late for me to fix it. I do realize that he isnt my babysitter and that he shouldnt have to tell me to do things. But I did not know that my nonchalant-ness was affecting him that much.

[Esteller]

you already did the right thing. now its time to wait or not really wait cause waiting kills people but do what you gotta do and let time do its thing for you.

[LizS]

Anyone else have advice on direction at this point?