newlywed / husband suddenly starts noticing other women

[AegisRose]

OK~ this is just weird. . . We've been married for 3 months. He has always been the "only eyes for you" type and he has never done or said anything to make me think otherwise. He's always been like "I got better at home" type. Today, he said something strange to me. . . He said: "Don't be weirded out, or think anything bad.... but lately, I can't stop looking at other women. I'm like a 17 year old boy all over again. I am a hornball 24/7" I was driving and I just gave him a side-long glance to see if he was pulling my leg, but he was serious and seemed a little distressed about it. He seemed annoyed by it. He said "Before we got married, I never, EVER, looked or cared about other women, but the last two weeks, the only thing I notice everywhere I go is T & A."

Needless to say, that shocked me and freaked me out beyond belief. . . but I didn't let him know, b/c he was being open with me and I tried to sort it out by telling him that I too had been feeling a little weird since we got married (I felt a little trapped all of the sudden, and like I wasn't going to accomplish all my goals, etc, etc). I also tried to tell him that it was probably that sudden "forbidden fruit syndrome" and that now that we were married, the seriousness of it was really dawning on us, yadda yadda.

 

To be totally honest. . . I'm so freaked. Part of the reason I love him and married him was/is because of that!!! I mean he never looked at other women. He was so comfortable with me and I suited his every need, and the fact that I made him so happy, makes ME so happy (not to mention he makes me happy). I'm not a jealous person by ANY means, but this sudden revelation made me feel unusally vulnerable and shot my self-esteem more than I thought. I'm a good-looking, slim, sculpted from working out, woman.... but I'm telling you, my blood ran cold. I do not mind him looking, but this sudden surge of interest he's talking about made me want to faint! Has this happened to anyone?! Should I be concerned? I don't want to touch the subject too much with him b/c I don't want him to think I'm freaking... it's hard enough for him to share feelings like that about himself eithout me freaking out when he does open up.

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

 

Not a good sign.....but guys do look at other women. I think it is part of human nature. As long as he is just looking and not touching then things should be ok. But if it is really bothering you, you should have a little chat. After that, well break out the large frying pan.

 

Warm Regards

 

Kuhl

 

8) 8)

[Hopingpraying]

Talking about this is a must. You two need to communicate openly and objectively about these types of things.

Has your sex patterns changed since you have been married? Something else the two of you also need to realize is that there are progressions in a relationship and you are not always going to have those sparks flying. Relationships are work, and you both need to work at it to spice it up.

 

surprise him. Have him come from from work and only be wearing a few pieces of lettuce, and tell him dinner is ready. Something!! Anything... Encourage him to do the same for you.

[1Adam12]

Hi AegisRose

 

This is NOT good at all if you ask me..I mean yes Guys look at other women but still if I were married Im sure as heck not gonna be doing that infront of my wife..

 

If this is really bothering you and I imagine it is you need to be upfront with him about this..I mean he married you because he loves you then why does he need to look at other women?..especially when he's with you!..

 

When you talk to him ask him to put himself in your positon so to speak..How would he react if you started to tell him that you've been looking at other guys all of a sudden..I imagine he's not going to have a positive reaction to this and then maybe he will realize how much you are bothered by this and in turn will stop looking at all the other women around..

 

Hope that helps

Phillip

[AegisRose]

Hmmm. . . I don't know how to approach him about this. I am normally very verbose, but this time, I'm speechless. I don't want to be a drama queen over this, but I'm afraid that if I try to talk to him in depth about it, he'll think I'm over dramatizing, or worse, he'll avoid talking to me about such things that might be concerning him. What I really feel like saying was that it suddenly made me feel inadequate. Our sex life is average, I would say. We keep it spiced from time to time, but overall, I always feel like I don't give him enough. For that reason, I felt it was my fault. We dated for 4 years and lived together for two of those. We have sex about twice a week. Is that just not enough? My sex drive has never been much to speak of. . . I'm totally pointing the finger at me, and I know that's gonna make him crazy. AAARGH! I'm very troubled by this. I'm at the verge of tears (but that's another big NO NO, as you men in the audience know).

[sisterlynch]

This is a very difficult topic to discuss, but all this confusion is really typical in the first year of marriage. This is where you start all the habbits and "role playing" that are going to carry you through the next 50 to 60 years, should the marriage last that long.

 

I believe that it was his libido talking. You know he will occasionally say things that he doesn't really mean or say outloud that inner voice that he needs to learn to control better.

 

It also depends on your communication style how you are going to handle the situation. There are many ways that you can go with it. I think that he needs to realize that when he talks to you he is capable of hurting your feelings. Maybe in the past you weren't with him so much so his odd habbits didn't bug you so much. Now that the two of you are together more, he is opening himself up in indirect ways that are giving you (and me too, by the way) the creeps!

 

I wouldn't have this conversation in the car, because you can have an accident that way, but at some point when he isn't too sleepy or into a tv show or something else, say that you want to talk to him.

 

Take him to another location if you can so that he isn't distracted by what he was just doing, like the commercial is going to be over or so.

 

Ask him what he meant by that comment. Have him explain it to you like an adult, he is married and he shouldn't be looking at other women in an openly lustful way, which he will deny, so let him deny it. that is good that he will deny it now, and not try to justify it. He needs to learn that you are his wife and not his mom or his sister. this is hard for some guys to make the transition into adulthood, but the sooner he learns to treat you better, the easier your whole life will be like later on.

[1Adam12]

Just be direct in your approach..tell him "Hey if you like looking at these other women you won't have any problem with me looking at these other guys then will you?"...

 

I don't point the blame at your or your sex life..in my opinion its more or less he may not realize how much this is hurting you. Just because he may think he's not "getting enough" is still not an excuse to act like a 17 year old boy!..

 

Just be direct about it and tell him this bothers you Alot

 

Good luck

Phil

[AegisRose]

Thank you for the thoughts. . . I will try to approach him about it. I do think that Sis makes a good point, he may not know when he may have said too much. Our relationship is based on respect and compatability. I am one of the guys and I think he sometimes forgets my feminine side. We're so used to being good friends, I guess, maybe, he felt it was a topic we should discuss. In a way I'm glad he was so honest, but like you said, it was creepy. I'm telling you, it damn near DID cause an accident. I almost drove into the lake. *LOL*

[JonnyG]

Well look on the bright side, hes being honest which is good.

 

As long as its looking and no touching then that is fine.

 

He is a guy, hes bound to look at hot girls. Like i bet u look at hot men u pass. Its only natural.

 

Give it a little time and see if the hpase passes. If it doesnt u are going to have to talk to him about how it makes u feel. GL.

[AegisRose]

Thank you everyone. . . I did approach him about it last night. I basically asked him to clarify for me, and asked him why he told me. He said he just wanted to share with me what he was going through as a newly wed and was curious/worried that I was doing the same thing (his jealous bone is a little bigger than mine). He said he talked to two married co-workers that said they went through something similar and he said that they had adviced he tell me since it was troubling him so much. I feel a little better. . . I told him how it was a blow to my self esteem and he begged me not to look at it like that... he was just surprised at this sudden hormone surge and reassured me that I was still his 'this or that' and said all the wonderful things he says to me. I let it rest at that. His actions have always spoken louder than words, so I will just let time do its thing. After we discussed last night, he seemed much more relaxed about the whole ordeal and I felt tons better. After all, I've been going through my own newlywed mental qualms. ANYWHO~ THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR OFFERING SUPPORT. IT WAS COMFORTING TO TALK TO NEUTRAL PARTIES ABOUT IT.

[Theresa2004]

After a few months of marriage my devoted to me husband let me in on the 'common known fact of life' that all men, married or not, notice and fantasize about other women. This was not known to me. So of course I suddenly became insecure especially when he seemed to be flirting with women, turning his head and noticing other women etc... since I now know that he fantasizes about them - all shapes and sizes. Prior to that I liked watching erotic movies and such but after knowing that he notices other women and thinks of them naked, etc and thinks of himself with them... I lost my desire for such things. It has been a very hard fact for me to accept. I know guys have testosterone and girls don't have that much. I also had a much larger sex drive prior to marriage and he is content a few times a week. I would prefer every day. So I feel his 'energy' is going into these fantasies and not into me. It is hard to accept that the Cinderella dream really doesn't exist and men will be men and really wish that they could be with any woman anytime... in my case I do know my husband is faithful and always will be but I can't get over this. Any advice?

[AegisRose]

Hi Theresa2004,

This is a tough one. . . I can understand the insecurities that stem from that. It was very harsh of him to put it like that. That was not nice. I also do not believe that all men wish and fantasize to be with other women. Maybe I'm being naive, but I believe my husb when he says that although he does look at some good looking women, he only wishes to be with me. Whether that's a line or the truth.... I'll never know. I just have to go on faith. Even if he does picture himself doing the horizontal tango with another woman~ he's kind enough to NOT admit it and he reassures my emotions. He has never given me a reason to doubt, I have no worries. Besides, I've looked at other men too... once or twice had to shake my head at the undoubtedly lewd thought that crossed my mind. *LOL* Perhaps you can talk to him and get what you need from him: reassurance that although he still notices other women (he isn't blind after all), you're the only one he wants to be with.

The jealous bone is a whole other story. I'm not by nature a jealous person, but since i got married, this weird jealousy thing has grown and I feel a little less secure around the playboys and late night "skinemax". I've found myself caring a little more about him checking out other women, but that's natural. As long as he reassures you and he has given you no reason to doubt his faithfulness, there is no reason to raise the alarm.

I don't know if any of that helped. I hope it does.