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Should I be worried he doesn't mention me?


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Hi there.. just a small issue bothering me with my boyfriend. We live together, been together 15 months, discussing engagement, buying another house together etc.

My bf has a female friend he met almost 15 years ago now in police college. She lives like 3 hours away, he hasn't seen her in years. Since we've been dating she sends him email forwards to a bunch of people, jokes, etc. I asked him if they ever dated? He said no, they just were in the same graduating class for college and a small group of them 4-5 cops became close in that group and still keep in touch to this day. She sends them all group emails, etc. A few of the guys living out her way, they meet for dinner/coffee once in awhile.


In the last couple months I noticed my bf has written her a few emails, nothing serious just asking how things are, talking about their jobs, etc.

He never mentioned writing the emails to her (I saw them by accident) that's ok, no biggie. There has been about 3-4 communications over the past few months and NO WHERE even once has he mentioned my name. Doesn't even say he has a girlfriend. Her last email she asked him how his family is, girlfriend? And said they should meet for dinner since it's been forever! But he has not written back yet.


I don't care if he has female friends, I don't care if he talks to exes, etc. My issue is I think he should be open and at the very LEAST I think I should be mentioned??????


What do you think? Should I just wait and see if he mentions my name to her in the next little while?

I'm a little uneasy about this, we've been together 15 months and lived together for 7 months! If she's such a good friend, why hasn't the biggest part of his life been mentioned at all?

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This is the sort of thing that is a red flag but usually amounts to nothing. This is the problem with technology. In my opinion people do a lot of things that they don't even realize their partners wouldn't like, but it doesn't usually matter because they never find out. But with technology we have all these ways of seeing every little detail of our partners life potentially and then people end up making a huge thing over some small detail which starts a fight or a round of insecurity or distrust or something. Don't make too many assumptions here. Let the guy be himself, but be vigilant.

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That's exactly it, it would be like me going out with friends and a random guy flirting with me.. When he asked if I have a bf? I chuckle and say no, but don't give him my # or ever see him again. Is it cheating, no.. It's just something if my bf found out he would be mad even though nothing happened. Exactly the same with emails, texting, facebook, etc.. People do things and even though their partner wouldn't like it, they think it's no biggie. I'm not going to say anything to him, nor am I worried (yet) but if he continues to write back and still doesn't mention me, or plans to meet for dinner and doesn't tell me about it then I am going to be furious. I will give him the benefit of the doubt.. It's sort of a "pen pal" situation and I'm ok with that. Nothing being said is inappropriate, and unfortunitely it's one of those things if you stumble upon it eats you not to look at "just to be sure".... In this case, what I don't know wouldn't hurt me... But I do know ...


Thing is, his email is setup on his blackberry, so he knows I could at any time peek at his phone and see these emails? It's not like he's being totally secretive. Same with my facebook, it's on automatic login so anything I said to anyone he could login one day out of curiosity and see it.

So I don't think he's being a jerk... Just for some reason he doesn't feel like divulging his personal life to this female friend? Not sure why... Maybe if they talk more he might open up...

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Well, you know, some people don't like to just up and out talk about private details of their lives, even to friends. The subject of their emails have not been about significant others or who are you living with, etc, right? That's probably why he didn't bring it up. I don't feel the need to talk about my personal love life unless someone asks. Since she did ask, I would wait and watch to see if he replies back and says yes. If I'm chatting and catching up with an old friend, I don't bring out the subject of my personal love life without them asking. For me, it's because I don't know whether the other person is in a love tangle right now and hearing about my love life might bring them down, so I'd rather them bring it up first. Weird reason, I know, but it's my personal love life so I don't feel the need to shout it to the world.

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That's true and I really didn't think anything of their emails before, when I saw her email forwards I didn't ask "OH does this friend know about us?" etc. didn't see significance in it. He would open the email jokes up in front of me, etc.

It wasn't until I saw their personalized email back and forth, just asking how work was going etc. They got more in depth each time, asking about their jobs, then families, what's new in life, etc. Got more in depth each time that I was kind of thinking then "when are they going to ask about each other's dating life?"... Then she just did.. So I'm worried he won't mention me at all Not that I think anything would happen between them, but that would really hurt me if he doesn't even mention me.

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Well, let's see if he speaks up about his love life. And if he does and you can see a foreseeable meal get together with them, why not take the initiative and have her over for dinner? He gets to hang out with her, you get to see what kind of person she is, etc etc.


Try not to worry right now. Worry when he mentions nothing to that friend about his relationship status : )

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*sigh* So he didn't write her back an email mentioning me... Instead she starts texting him talking about her triathalon she just did placing 3rd, etc. He mentions that but nothing else, no emails, nothing about her asking about me, or asking to meet up for dinner. So I leave it.


Waited a few more days, still nothing. So now I'm thinking ok, they communicate by phone/text rather than email, so maybe he mentioned it to her then?


I asked him last night about it and said I happened to notice her texting now and was curious when they started talking more frequently and that I'm ok with it, but I'd hope he would have mentioned me at some point? In the 15 months we've been dating!

He said he had mentioned me a few months ago, but not in detail..


So I asked, well why would she ask "girlfriend?"

And he said, she was prob just asking in more depth, or asking what we're up to, still together etc.?


So he basically wrote her an email saying my name, that we just were in Vegas, I live with him now.. etc.


I said to him, I would hope you would have said that by now, or at least soon since you two talk more? I'm a bit offended I've been living with you for 7 months and if this is the first time you've ever mentioned me in at least a dozen emails back and forth?


He just said they were short and sweet, nothing elaborate and that they barely talk so it never came up in more depth.


*sigh*............ Why does everything have to be so difficult? I thought being in a serious relationship was about communicating with your partner, making them a part of your life? Making them feel at least somewhat secure as it pertains to outside friendships with exes/opposite sex friends, etc.

Just because they dont hang out or talk that frequently, am I being unreasonable to feel uneasy about this?

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: / So he didn't mention he had a girlfriend when his friend specifically asked? That.... is odd. No, you are not unreasonable about this. If he's been answering the questions she's been asking up to this point, but then just hashes over the girlfriend question, then he's trying to make himself look available and not completely tied down. I don't bring up the subject of my boyfriend if nobody asks, but if they do, I always proudly say, yeah! Perhaps your bf may be of reserved nature, but he could have at least been honest and directly answered the friend's question. How is your relationship beside this incident?

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