Its all my fault and now I just want to die

[worthless girl]

I'm a terrible person so deserve everything I'm going through.

 

I started an affair 3 years ago even though I was already married to a nice man. The person I cheated with wasn't even that nice most of the time, but the times he was made up for that as he made me feel so special.

 

I haven't left my husband, though I tried broaching subject of separation a few weeks back but he got so upset I couldnt do it. But I don't love him anymore, he's controlling with money and very possessive so I feel suffocated. I also couldnt end the affair as sometimes it feels like the only thing in my life that makes it worthwhile, the chance to escape once a week for an evening and sit comfortably with someone and watch tv etc. But he never wanted more than that, I am much older than him (15 years) so he has kept me well hidden. We work together and people at work have guessed though.

 

He is being sent away to work for 6 months next week and I have tried to see him over the past couple of days to say bye but he doesnt have time to see me, he has to say goodbye to his family and friends, we used to talk all the time and knew everything about each other but now he doesnt have time to talk to me. He told me he loved me so much over the past few years and I believed him, now I feel so empty and alone. I keep calling him and emailing him, begging him to see me before he goes but he's too excited about going to have any time for me.

 

I dont know how I will get through the next four days before he goes, definitely cant survive 6 months when he's gone - it would have been bearable if we spent time together first and I got to hold him and say goodbye, but now I just have no hope. Just an empty marriage and night after night of no escape.

 

I want to die but am too cowardly to do anthing like that, I have grown up kids and dont want them to be ashamed of me. Also I loaned this man money and if I die my husband will find out about my financial situation which is a mess.

 

cant type anymore for crying and its pointless anyway as no-one can help and i feel stupid doing this. just wish i could go to sleep and not wake up, have nothing to go on for without him.

[dancingcolors]

You want to die over a guy who doesn't even have time to say goodbye to you?

 

And if your husband is so controlling of money, how did you loan this man money and make a mess of your finances?

 

I would appreciate what I have, with my nice husband, and forget the other guy.

[worthless girl]

You want to die over a guy who doesn't even have time to say goodbye to you?

 

And if your husband is so controlling of money, how did you loan this man money and make a mess of your finances?

 

I would appreciate what I have, with my nice husband, and forget the other guy.

because my husband keeps such a close track of my money and what I spend I took out a loan for the other guy and kept it secret

 

if I could just forget him and concentrate on my husband I would't be in the mess posting on a website and trying to find something worth going on for

[biggerheart]

Two men who aren't really there for you? You need to be there for you. Start with therapy.

[capilot]

... I was already married to a nice man. The person I cheated with wasn't even that nice most of the time ...

 

Nice guy vs. the jerk. The jerk will win almost every time. Because nice guys are boring -- or at least you think so.

 

And holy cow, the jerk is even borrowing money from you. Or is he borrowing money from your husband and your husband just doesn't realize it? Seriously, do you even expect him to pay it back? Because he won't.

[odile]

Some things you really should do:

 

*Make an appointment with a financial advisor to see if there's any way to take recourse on having the loan repayed to you.

Did the guy co-sign on the loan with you?

Anyway, there may be a way to force him to pay you back. Whatever you do, handle this matter as professionally and business-like as possible.

 

*Aside from clearing up the financial pickle that you've gotten yourself into, it doesn't sound like there's any other reason to be in contact with your distant and unresponsive affair guy. He isn't taking you seriously, and this is only wearing down your already low self-esteem.

 

*Get counseling, and fast.

There's so much to un-pick and untangle here, that some solid and unbiased support may be needed to help you work your way out of this mess.

Moreover, it seems like there are some underlying issues that you'll need to deal with so that you can become the kind of person who addresses problems,

rather than trying to ignore them and hope that they will go away.

 

*As for your husband, it does not sound to me like you have enough commitment to him emotionally to make the relationship worth saving.

However, this is an opinion based only on what little you have said.

Really, this is something that you need to think over very carefully, and a counsellor is probably best able to help you do this.

Whether you decide to stay or leave, you must consider your husband's needs as well as your own when determining how best to proceed with your decision.

It's not fair for you to blame the relationship failure on his stinginess.

He has remained faithful.

If you were unhappy with him, you should have let him know, and together worked on the relationship, and/or ended the relationship, rather than using him for support while cheating behind his back.

So, while it does sound like you may have some good reasons for having felt dissatisfied with him, you cannot blame him for this mess. He didn't fail the relationship: you did.

Sorry to be a bit harsh when clearly you are upset, but it's time that you take some responsibility and start taking some of the action that you've been putting off.

Definitely start with a counsellor.

[mentee]

"worthless girl", your primary goal should be working on your self-esteem .. you are not worthless .. you are worth more than a guy who won't even take the time to say goodbye to you after all these years ..

 

work on mending your relationship with your husband .. perhaps if he knew how unhappy you have been, he would try to change his controlling nature .. he may love you more than he's been showing you ... focus on the positive things in your life .. the things you've accomplished, your children ...

 

you just need to focus on the right things right now, and that man who've been having an affair with is NOT it ..

[tony1976]

maybe he keeps such a close eye on the money because he doesnt trust you and nor should he - as you said your financial situation is in mess so wonder he kept a close eye on you. Also you stated "I started an affair 3 years ago even though I was already married to a nice man" So he was such a nice man that you decided to cheat on him? I feel so sorry for your husband.

 

Personally i think you are selfish cheat that should come clean to your husband about who he really married. He deserves much better and this relationship should come to an immediate end. I agree with your opening line "I'm a terrible person", and you will continue to be if you dont do the right thing and that is be honest to your husband, end the relationship and seek some proper therapy.

 

Normally I would be sympathetic to anyone in any pain or hurt no matter what they done, but hope you understand Im just one month out of a relationship where I found her cheating on me, the same day she discussed getting married next year. So please forgive me if I come accross strong, ive no time for cheaters and in your case i think you've made you own bed, so you just gonna have to lie in it.

 

Do the right thing - its going to hurt him and you but at least you are making a start at making your wrongs right and hopefully you can look back on the errors of your ways and be a more honest and genuine person.

 

Despite what you done, I do have a heart and i do genuinely hate to see anyone crying or feel down so I can only hope you do the right thing and also that your pain eases.

[Sparkly Eyes]

"worthless girl", your primary goal should be working on your self-esteem .. you are not worthless .. you are worth more than a guy who won't even take the time to say goodbye to you after all these years ..

 

work on mending your relationship with your husband .. perhaps if he knew how unhappy you have been, he would try to change his controlling nature .. he may love you more than he's been showing you ... focus on the positive things in your life .. the things you've accomplished, your children ...

 

you just need to focus on the right things right now, and that man who've been having an affair with is NOT it ..

 

I agree with this post. You should get therapy and decide if you want to stay in your marriage and end it with your affair guy, because although he sometimes make you feel good about yourself, he is also the one who made you feel worthless. You need better people in your life.

[HeartGoesOn]

You are your own worst enemy here, and you can get out of this mess if you put your mind to it. I agree with the others, and counseling should be the first choice above anything else.

 

All the best...