Real hope or just clutching at straws?

[densil]

OK, its been 3 months since my girlfriend of two years split up with me. The breakup was due to a number of things (as I see it) including:

 

1) My lack of independence - Towards the end of the relationship I had lost a lot of independence. I had become quite needy, possessive, clingy and generally pathetic. I am only aware of it now but I used her as a shield and in some ways she was more like a mother than a girlfriend!!!

2) Her desire to go travelling - From the start of the relationship I was aware that she was going to go travelling for 6 months after university (i.e. this summer). We had both agreed that we could not continue to go out over that period. I think that she was aware that if we broke up just before she went away then we would both have "baggage" which may make us miserable for the duration of her trip. (I am not sure if she is going, I am not even sure if she has booked it yet!)

3) Work related stress - being in our final years we were both very stressed and had little time for each other.

 

Since the breakup I have been improving the things that I dislike about myself and have been applying No Contact and. Except on the last day of exams I went out to celebrate with her and her friends. For me it wasnt much of a celebration as she seemed quite happy flirting with other people. (I think this may have just been a declaration of her independence). At the end of the evening I told her that I still felt the same way towards her and that if she ever "kicked her independent streak" she should give me a call. She laughed and shook my hand in agreement. We hugged and I left.

 

A few weeks passed and then she made contact over MSN. Since then we have had a number of conversations (all iniated by her). Having read advice on this forum I kept the conversation upbeat and pleasant and made it clear that I wasn't kicking around feeling sorry for myself and I didnt mention the relationship. Although not flirty she made reference to a number of innocent and not so innocent things that we had done whilst we were going out. The conversation was similar to how we used to talk prior to the breakup, you know, using "our words" etc. However, on the last conversation I had with her I realised that I was doing all the asking of questions, she was answeing although it felt like a bit of a one sided conversation. She has not said anything to me on MSN since (about 3 days).

 

I feel better and worse at the same time. Its nice that she made an effort to contact me - so now I know that she at least cares. However, I can't get my mind off her and I have to keep reminding myself to not to contact her or esle I will seem too keen etc.

 

My current plan is to continue to not contact her but to let her come to me. I intend on asking her if she wasnts to got the beach with me in a few weeks time. I would make sure that she sees all of the mental and physical improvements that I have made to myself. And to give her a reminder of how good we can be together.

 

I believe that she misses me but that she is slightly confused (like me), we both know that we are good together and that we have total trust for each other etc. But that obstacles such as her travelling and her general independence stand in the way.

 

How do you think I should carry on? Should I ring her or should I be patient and let her come to me more? Part of me thinks that I should not bother because of the travelling and the general unkown of what happens after, but I feel compelled to do something as I really love her.

 

Many thanks,

 

Steve

[kuhl282000]

Hello

 

I found your post very inspiring, and "yes" hope is a very good thing. What I liked about your post the most is the progress you are making. You went back and played out the two years you were together. You figured it all out, and yes she does care. It would be hard for anyone not to care about someone after two years. The no contact thing was designed for her to miss you. And I think she is doing that, to what level only time will tell. She may need to travel and get it all out of her system. those are all her choices. It would be nice if you were traveling together, but that is not happening at this time. I do believe that the longer they stay on the single scene, it is harder to ever get them back. I'm sure you are aware of all of that. The good news is that you are making some posotive changes in your life. And the time apart may give you both the time you both need to grow. If I have learned anything in life it would be you can't force someone to love you. They either do or they don't. You either go down a road together or you take separate roads. I think you are both on separate roads at present. And maybe some day in the future you both can meet on the main highway once again. I wish you all the good luck i can mustard up. You answered all your own questions in your post.

 

Warm Regards

 

Kuhl

 

8) 8)

[nick23]

Steve, my situation sounds very similar to yours, minus the travelling part. I think you should continue doing what you are doing, letting her initiate all contact. By doing this it will help her move on, with an adequate amount of time for her. Then when she is ready you will see a change in what she is saying to you.

 

Nick