Childish? I don't know (rant & help)

[thathoopla]

I've been around this section of the forums for a long time. I feel like I can't make a decision and stick with it. I know that the relationship is terrible and is probably not right for me, overall. And yet I keep going back and never fully let go of him. The reasons why I'm having a really really hard time leaving is a mix between how much I love and want him, having a big fear of being away and alone from him, and the consequences that happen when we do fight/break up.

 

I've put everything I had into this relationship and have nothing positive anymore to show for it. It's made me a worse person. People used to love being around me because I was fun, but I became more serious and just don't have much of a sense of humor any more. Almost nothing, and nobody interests me anymore. I had a sense of curiosity and wonder about the world which is all but dead now. I used to be smart and over time I couldn't even look at my college books any more and failed several classes, all after being with him in a relationship. I honestly do have strong feelings for him, especially when I think of the good times or I am with him in person. I haven't seen him since February. And before that, November. He had been talking to other girls since the beginning of this year. It's not a one-off situation, little things have happened between him and other girls ever since we started liking each other. There were periods of him being 100% loyal to me but my gut feeling tells me he didn't like me as much as I liked him in the beginning of our relationship (which is OK really, but that's not what I was led to believe back then), but grew to love me more as time went on and the damage that was done by him had just messed me up so that I didn't trust him enough. I was foolish and naive in a new, strong love that I made some really bad decisions. I cheated on him over a year ago, a ONS with no emotions involved for the other party. I know that is no excuse and have never used it as an excuse, I owned up to it and knew that he might leave me for it. Well, he didn't leave then, but I broke his heart. I cheated because of my own problems but he became more damaged. Looking back, although he didn't cheat on me before I did him, part of the reason that I turned toward another guy was due to my insecurity that developed by being in a relationship with him. There were just SO many problems and so much on the line. I'm crying right now as I think of his talking to other girls (i.e. flirting) while he would accuse me of talking to other guys (when I definitely hadn't at that time) and saying that he was committed. I really, really hate feeling like a fool, being led to believe something that wasn't true.

 

In the middle of our relationship (before I cheated) we got better and he was doing a good job of being a good boyfriend. He was there for me, listened to me, was nice and sweet to me, took good care of me. We still had fights but it was more out of frustration, not knowing what to do with us (our future), being afraid it might not last, etc. There was still some respect we had for each other. But of course after the cheating we had more problems. I know that he wanted to get back at me for doing what I did, so about 8-9 months after it had happened, he really pulled back emotionally. He was also calling my house dozens of times and bothering my family, which I couldn't really do much about (this is talked about in other threads). I didn't see him often in person. He was talking to other girls (flirting around) and had a big crush on one particular girl that he lied to me about. To this day he won't admit what he's done. I know that he cheated, and if he did want to get past it all (he says he does), he should at least be a man and own up to it, like I did. Why lie to me about it when he knows it's true? The past 7 months have been hell with all the horrible name calling and I guess I have to say it: verbal/mental abuse. Although he and I are talking once in a while, and we're not exactly broken up, we're not exactly together either. I'm finding it sooo hard to let go, because I really want him yet at the same time I know it's such a bad relationship to be in. I can't be myself when I'm not with him. And yet when I'm with him now...I can't be myself either...

 

I am in such a bad place right now. I cannot tell any friends, mainly because I don't have friends that close to tell these things to, and I wouldn't trust any of them with my situation. It's like I'm falling into a hole and trying to grip the sides every so often but slipping 10 times deeper into the dark. Any one positive step I make is replaced by 10 sins.

 

I am so lost with all this. I know the advice will be to just do NC and keep away from him. I'm scared he will call my home and bother and hurt me even more. Plus, I don't want to do NC. I WANT to be with him. I want the person he was before all this crazyness. Playing the NC game is not going to get that good person he was to come back. And as for healing, I know that eventually I will feel better, time helps. But it's not what I want. I don't want to look back and regret letting someone I love so strongly go. I can't live right with that burden. I don't want him and I to end, I just want him to be honest to me and to be good to me.

 

That's not how life works though, right? The right decisions are sometimes the hardest. I understand we have to break up because 600 chances later, it's still not working. The longest we never contacted each other was 8 days - and although I wasn't breaking down and dying during that time, I was definitely not moving forward and was hurting myself in deeper ways. I just don't know who to turn to if I do end it for good. Sometimes I hate him SO much for everything he did and everything he is still doing, for the way he treats me like a blowup doll with no brain, no heart, no desires of my own. And then I think about how amazing he was to me before, and still hold on to the hope that he can be good to me. It's all very irrational.

 

Our 3-year anniversary is in exactly 1 week. I don't know whether I should just stop talking to him now, or after that mark. Should I tell him it's over? I kind of don't want to do that since I can anticipate what he will do...and it's not pretty. I could ignore his texts...just let us die, passively....Although that's not really the kind of person I am - I'm direct and I tell someone if I don't want to talk to them any more. But maybe I will have to sacrifice my usual way of doing things for the sake of my mental health...

 

I probably don't make much sense in this post since I am doing other things and keep coming back and forth to the computer to write a little more or a little less. You can PM me if you want to ask anything in detail.

 

I don't even know what I want by making this thread. Writing it out helped a lot, because it feels like we were involved in a young love that isn't able to let go of it's ego and pride to just keep the other person happy. Although our physical feelings might be strong for each other (that's the only time we get along and share I-love-yous now, for several months! I've almost always felt like I was only good for sex with him), our relationship is insanely fragile. I don't know if it can be fixed. And if not, I don't know how to break up and stay away from him. I don't know if I could even do it, I have nobody else, and nothing positive to turn to. What do I do?

[LoveSoDeep]

Look at what you said yourself honey (I highlighted the things that really stuck out to me)...you know this relationship isn't right for you. It's hurting you. You feel used, abused and cheated on and that's just the tip of the iceberg. You know what you need to do.

[lostnscared]

Look at what you said yourself honey (I highlighted the things that really stuck out to me)...you know this relationship isn't right for you. It's hurting you. You feel used, abused and cheated on and that's just the tip of the iceberg. You know what you need to do.

 

Yep. Anytime a relationship becomes so negative, that you spiral downward, are miserable, feel limited, feel extremely insecure, distrusting, and when you feel an intense amount of anger, frustration and guilt--it's time to let go and get out.

 

The relationship that you describe is extremely dangerous, and scary--because it sounds co-dependent, negative, and like it's breaking you down.

 

Get out now and not a minute later.

 

Even in this post, you've made it clear that you KNOW you need to let him go. That you KNOW that he can never be the same person to you that he ONCE was. That you KNOW that it's unhealthy that it will never work.

 

So why are you going through the motions and *trying* to hold on so tightly.

 

Sometimes the hardest decisions end up being the easiest in the end--emotionally and mentally. Basically it may seem hard, but months after your done, you will be doing SO much better that you'll begin to wonder why you didn't do it a long time ago.

 

Good luck.

 

I feel for you.

[thathoopla]

Even in this post, you've made it clear that you KNOW you need to let him go. That you KNOW that he can never be the same person to you that he ONCE was. That you KNOW that it's unhealthy that it will never work.

 

So why are you going through the motions and *trying* to hold on so tightly.

 

I guess a big loss of self-respect and a desire to go "back to the good times" are the reasons for it We could have problems 29 out of 30 days, yet that one day gives me hope. It's really silly. He's someone I care for a lot and I feel like if I end it, I'll be ruining every chance there is of being with someone I'm in love with.

 

I need to keep convincing myself to get out & stay out of it. Have to keep telling myself it won't work. Yet I feel like such a bad person if I leave...

[thathoopla]

This is so true:

 

From a letter by T.M., Portland, Me.: "Once you've realized he has lied, you can then question the validity of everything he says and has said. And it is that realization that is the first key to gaining your freedom."

[OccultFigurine]

It made me so sad to read your post thathoopla, I feel for you, I really do.

 

What struck me about your post is that while you mention wanting HIM to go back to the way he used to be, it sounds as if you are the one who's changed most of all.

 

It also sounds as if you know you need to be out of this relationship, but aren't sure if you can?

All I can advise is to keep posting on here, I got a lot of support from everyone on here when I had nobody to turn to,and it really did help me to go N.C for several months.

Good Luck xx

[thathoopla]

Thanks OccultFigurine..I have definitely changed for the worse. He's pretty much the same guy he was when we first started going out: fake, says sweet things only to get what he wants or as boredom, gets angry too quickly. He was great in the middle of the relationship...which is why I thought the relationship was good for him since he found something he loved and wanted to fight for. Guess I was wrong.

 

I don't even know who I am any more. I prayed today and have realized I have a huge identity problem now. I don't know anything about myself besides the choices I make: which are all bad choices... I'm a bad person as well.

 

Two days ago he texted me saying he wanted to see me. We talked about it for a bit but it ended up not working out since we both had things to do. No contact yesterday. Today I was going through some old emails (good ones) and couldn't help myself. I texted him saying I love him. I got a reply back saying "this is not his # anymore". I asked who it is and the reply was "i took over his plan, i cannot disclose further information he will contact you if necessry please don't contact this number".

 

I have always been right in my instincts before and I'm 101% sure again this time that it's him texting me that. I called him and his voicemail was still in use. Plus, he always overdoes the politeness when he's trying to get away with something like that. I know it is him. There's no other logical reason for him to give it away, with the SAME number AND voicemail, especially because he's on a family plan.

 

But why would he text me two days ago in a positive way if he just doesn't want me? I've changed his contact name to "Uses you for sex. Abuser. Liar. DO NOT REPLY TO HIM" and all that just FLIES over my head.

 

The other day I spoke to this guy who has had a crush on me for a long time. I was not exactly interested in him but I thought I may as well at least not be closed to meeting people. While the other guy is nice and respects boundaries....I feel like I'm cheating even to think of having contact with another guy...?!

 

I have no appetite for anything, not food, not being with friends (even though I desperately want help & to talk to someone about it), not having fun in the summer...I feel so weak and mindless. Like I'm waiting for something to happen.

[lostnscared]

I believe that the relationship has really hit the end, and for you both that is a GOOD thing. Sometimes after being with a person for so long we lose sense of ourselves, our identities, and we become people we don't like. Often this happens in a relationship that was ultimately destructive for us and that hindered any personal growth. I suspect that this is what happened with your relationship.

I also suspect that you aren't a bad person, but rather the way things have went in this relationship and with the decisions that you made within the relationship you've become so low that you believe that in other facets of your life you are "bad" and therefore you're a bad unworthy indidividual. Which is not true at all. You just are in a bad relationship and a bad cycle.

Luckily for you, your still young, you can recover, and you can find yourself. You can also use this experience as a way to make better relationship decisions and personal decisions in the future.

As for him, I suspect that when you two spoke a couple of days ago he indirectly knew that things were no longer working out, that you brought out the worse in each other, that you had changed, and that your feelings were changing. He may also have realized, for himself, that the relationship was doing both of you no good. Hence the reason that two days later he "acts" unavailable and plays that game with you.

As much as an arse as he is, I think he did you favor. This "game" is in fact a way of telling you that it's over and that he's done(for now). It's also the perfect way to nip this in the bud, end the cycle and move on. NOW is your chance.

 

I suggest you see a counselor. That is the starting point--from there you can proceed with finding "yourself" and ceasing all contact with him.

good luck

[OccultFigurine]

I feel so weak and mindless. Like I'm waiting for something to happen.

 

 

I can identify with that,I spent a lot of time in my relationship feeling exactly this way-between arguments, between promises to change.Kind of going from crisis to crisis.

 

Sometimes in relationships you reach the point where you have nothing left of you to give- almost like you *become* the relationship.

 

If you feel like this is the case with you, it's definitely time to get out. Whether he's changed his number or not, it's all messing with your head, you need to take control over your *own* actions, and start trying to move on from this

 

 

Keep posting here, theres a tonne of great advice on here, and it's good even just to vent (and I found the 'post here instead of contacting your ex' thread pretty therapeutic too!)

 

Take care xx

[thathoopla]

Believe me, I'm a bad person. Not evil, but I'm definitely someone most people have a very low opinion of. Two days ago he texted saying "when are you going to *have sex with* me"...I don't know if he thought the things you mentioned, after that, but I think he is talking to other girls and is distracted by them which is how he found the strength to leave me.

 

I don't need or want a counselor - it's too fake, and ultimately I'm still alone. I need friends.

 

Sorry if I sounded critical of you - I'm not, your post was good, thank you.

 

 

I feel incredibly alone. No friends to even talk to. At least when he was replying to some of my texts I had some hope. Now I feel like he's taken everything away. It feels like someone died

[OccultFigurine]

Believe me, I'm a bad person. Not evil, but I'm definitely someone most people have a very low opinion of. Two days ago he texted saying "when are you going to *have sex with* me"...I don't know if he thought the things you mentioned, after that, but I think he is talking to other girls and is distracted by them which is how he found the strength to leave me.

 

I don't need or want a counselor - it's too fake, and ultimately I'm still alone. I need friends.

 

Sorry if I sounded critical of you - I'm not, your post was good, thank you.

 

 

I feel incredibly alone. No friends to even talk to. At least when he was replying to some of my texts I had some hope. Now I feel like he's taken everything away. It feels like someone died

 

 

Can you see the connection here? He's treating you like rubbish, and now you believe it. No matter how *bad* you think you are, nobody deserves to be treated like this.

 

When you say you have no friends...has it always been this way for you, or is this something that's gradually happened during your relationship?

 

I do think you'd benefit from counselling, but of course it has to be something you would be comfortable doing. What is it about it that makes you think it's fake?

 

It sounds as if this relationship is slowly destroying you, and yet you are still clinging onto it (despite being aware of how damaging it is) and yet if you feel like you have noone else, it is understandable. Keep posting, we are all here for you

Take care xx

[thathoopla]

Although those first two hooded things are somewhat connected, its not what I meant. I'll PM you.

 

I had friends, I still do in a way, I'm just not close with anybody anymore. When I started telling a few friends about the problems, its like they didnt want to hear it anymore so wegradually lost touch. The main problem is that I know I stopped hanging out with a lot of friends because I made time to see him. I cant blame him for me losing friends because I made the choices to. Though he did dislike most of my friends. I just stopped having fun when I was around them so I pretty much gave up on going out. I became more afraid of them judging me and maybe gossipping about me or just leaving me. I know that it is selfish and doesn't make sense to my logic of needing friends yet not making the time to see them. Ill explain more in the PM.

 

While counselors can really help some people, when I know they're basically a professional diary that mirrors us to figure things out, it doesn't add that social interaction you get with a real friend. I want to reciprocate the help for a friend which you cant really do with a counselor.

 

Sorry if anything doesn't make sense I'm typing this on my phone.

[thathoopla]

hooded = bolded* sorry

[OccultFigurine]

Hi again,

 

I think the friends thing is another symptom of how this relationship is taking everything out of you-taking up all your mental energy. You say that you were worried about them judging you-do you mean judging you for your relationship?

 

While I wouldn't say you should choose your relationship based on what your friends think, it is possible they could just see how this was damaging you? Some friends will stick around no matter what ( I have one or two who have *hated* my ex, but they stuck around because they knew one day I would see sense!) others will get frustrated at seeing you unhappy/not taking their advice, it really depends on them.

 

About the counselling-I know what you mean, a counsellor is not a substitute for a friend. But maybe counselling would help you to deal with these relationship issues, that would mean you would be able to reach out to people again?

 

I know that you said that you made the choice to stop seeing them, but why did you make that choice? Because you felt you might be judged (shame?) and because he didn't like them-so while it might not be directly his *fault* it is your relationship with him thats led to these decisions. Again, I'm not blaming him per se, just trying to highlight that this relationship causes you to make unhealthy decisions.

 

Take care xx

[thathoopla]

I feel like my friends are more innocent, and I didn't want to admit to them the kind of person I am. Although they can have relationship issues as well, none of them (that I know of) cheated on their partners on purpose. None of them are as destructive as I am. I don't want to bother them with heavy things, because I feel like they won't understand. And when they don't understand....I don't feel like I can be open with them so I don't bother.

[thathoopla]

I read a quote the other day that went something like this "once you realize you've been lied to, you start to question everything they ever said".

 

Last year I had an argument with an ex-friend, online (I know this person IRL but the argument was on facebook). Instead of keeping the fight between us, he brings my BF into it, saying that he is macking on girls "left right and centre" and gave me some weird name of a girl my bf was apparently asking someone else about. I didn't believe this friend 100% because of the nature of our argument, and I had complete trust then that my bf was not cheating last year. So that same day, that ex-friend and my bf (ex now) spoke on the phone and "cleared it out". I came back from dinner to hear that it's been taken care of. I was glad it was over but I was confused as to why my bf spoke to him...and kept me out of it. So the next day we 3-wayed over the phone. I wanted to know for myself what they spoke about. This resulted in another fight with that ex-friend saying "the joke is on you, he is talking to other girls". I still did not believe him. The fight then got MUCH more ugly with the ex friend yelling a lot of obscene things over the phone. He hung up, so I was left with my bf on the phone. I commented at how amazing it was for me to hear those things coming from him. my bf was silent the entire time. I asked him why he didn't at least tell the guy to shut up, or say something in reply when the ex-friend was accusing him of being unfaithful. He had no answer, I honestly felt worthless.

 

Fast forward a few months, I notice that my bf now has that ex-friend added on facebook, when I'm blocked on his. I was floored when I found that out, because my bf told me he hated him and never wanted me to speak to the other guy again. If that's the case, why are they "friends" now???? I noticed the ex-friend "liking" and commenting on his profile, so they were definitely on generally good terms, even if they weren't going to be best buddies. I had NO answer for this.

 

When I woke up today I thought of that situation a year ago. And now I'm questioning whether it was really true that my ex was talking to girls then. I know he was around that time but that one was harmless. Even if he did not cheat a year ago, the fact that it was a big lie that was hidden from me...only makes me feel more stupid for believing that he was faithful. I know for sure that he was talking to many girls and cheated starting this January. So what makes me think he was telling the truth a year ago? When I think of how he was when I first met him and when we first started going out, he was always like this. He did not change. Ha. The joke really is on me.

 

I'm so disgusted by him. It's one thing to cheat, I know, I have done it. But I still told the truth, he knew what kind of person I was. Why has he gone behind my back two dozen times and lied to me about all of them??? I don't need this crap. he will never be honest with me again and there is no hope for us. I feel like throwing up when I think of how he made love to me while he was talking to other girls. I'm so disgusted!!

 

For the past couple of days he has been loving and sweet (outwardly) to me over the phone. I'm so stupid to fall for it again. I'm blocking myself from him completely, starting with my heart. He'll go away on his own, I don't want to anger him so that he can bother me at home or through my parents. Ugh. What a waste of 3 years! I don't want him any more. He's a deceitful monster.

[OccultFigurine]

When I woke up today I thought of that situation a year ago. And now I'm questioning whether it was really true that my ex was talking to girls then. I know he was around that time but that one was harmless. Even if he did not cheat a year ago, the fact that it was a big lie that was hidden from me...only makes me feel more stupid for believing that he was faithful. I know for sure that he was talking to many girls and cheated starting this January. So what makes me think he was telling the truth a year ago? When I think of how he was when I first met him and when we first started going out, he was always like this. He did not change. Ha. The joke really is on me.

 

 

Hey Thathoopla, not sure if you're still checking this thread but hey.

The part I quoted is *exactly* the type of thing that I went through after splitting my ex. After I stopped being so sad, I would remember all these awful things and how he made me feel. In one sense its a positive thing, because it can remind you why this relationship was destructive.

 

The danger I found though was that after having a few 'flashbacks' I would start to feel worthless again, and beat myself up about why I put up with these things. Too much of this can send you straight back to your ex,to the person you want to make you feel better.

 

How are you doing anyways?

xx

[thathoopla]

I didn't contact him for several days, and was feeling okay about it. He messaged me yesterday, asking a question which I answered. Apparently I didn't give him the right answer so he got upset and we nearly had an argument. I asked him why he only talks to me when he's horny or when he's angry, and that if he just doesn't want me, to say it. So he said he doesn't want me. And that if I keep talking to him he will rip my head off. So fast forward to this morning. I wake up to see more texts and missed calls on my phone from him. I call him back, but he hangs up. I'm confused because he texts saying things like "I want you every second of the day and you don't even care about me". But...I know that isn't true....he only contacts me when he is either horny or he is angry with me about something....So he asked if I want him and I replied saying "I don't want abuse". A few more messages back and forth and he says not to contact him ever again or he will call my house and ruin my life....

 

I hate these games..I hate feeling like garbage every time we talk....I don't have intentions of contacting him because I know the guy I loved has gone so far away, it's like a monster has taken over him. I'm not going to sit here and say I didn't or that I don't love him. Because what we shared was really strong, for quite a while. At the same time, I can't say I want him either, because of all that has happened. I miss the past relationship, but I feel worse when we talk, so I know it's best to let him end it. I feel so helpless when he says those things, like I can't be with him yet I can't get away from him either.

 

I don't even know when our real "breakup" date was. Was it today cause he said never to contact him again? Was it in January when he was talking to other females, and even missed my birthday for it? Was it in February, which was the last time I met him in person? I don't even know..

[thathoopla]

Wow. Five days. That's the 2nd longest time we've gone without saying a word to each other or contacting one another in any way. The longest was 8 days. I'm writing this now because, technically, today (the 20th) is our anniversary date. And this I believe marks the real first time that I am not with him. Although the last time I saw him was in February, and things were super bad since January, we still went back and forth plenty of times and I still felt like I was "his". This un-anniversary date marks the beginning of...a new life?

 

I think about him, but I don't want him. I do miss what we had, so much, but I know that a flower surrounded by poop is still going to die from the putrid smell. I'm in between the stage of feeling some sort of peace for letting go, and still being bitter. I know if I saw him I'd get weak, so the longer I don't see him, I hope that life will just bring me better things. Though I can say that I do not want him...he's insane...he won't ever go back to that loving nice guy he was with me for a time. He's probably already chatting up another girl by now.

 

And yet my bitterness keeps me from trusting males (for the time being - I feel like I can get over this). I see them and I think "will cheat", "is a liar", "will say things to get into your pants", "word magician". I also feel so mad at the world because I keep thinking that it's not fair I get to experience love and hate in one person. It's not fair that it can be so good, yet so horrible. Why can't I have the same guy who would sleep, cry, smile, sigh, and eat in my arms? And who showed me such great love for some time? Who looked at me with adoring eyes? Everything just sucks when I think of how things work....

 

So yes, there is two sides to every coin. I am not healed, but I promise ENA that I am getting over it! I almost called him private today, something I NEVER do. But I know that #1 - it won't accomplish anything, and it might set me backward. And #2 - he might know it's me and get angry/call my house like he said 5 days ago (he asked for no contact).

 

Where do broken hearts go?