A beautiful love story...almost

[seree]

I have no one to talk to., I thought of posting my story here, hopefully there is someone out there who can share your experience if you were there before...

 

I had been married for 10 years now., but I know her for 19 years, lets call her B. We got 2 lovely kids, age 2 and 9. I should be a very happy man.

 

In the beginning of my marriage, it was great. Everything works wonderfully, we went through up and downs. However things start to change as my career / financial takes a downward turn in 2005. I started a new business despite her disagreement, as previously I had failed miserably and have to resort to employment. Since then, she had been a negative motivator., she never believed i can made it, i guess it is out of fear and stress I am putting her through.

 

To add salt to the wound, she is not in good terms with my parents, always thinking that I give them too much attention and financial support.

 

To cut it short - no matter what i thought i did for the sake of family, its never good enough for her.

 

So, over the years, i have avoided coming home early, just to avoid any confrontation that will always end up in argument that I will always be the one to remain silent. For many times, i have lost count, she had threaten me for a divorce., I just remain silent. Because I do not want my kids to grow up in a broken family.

 

But I did not realize that this behavior of mine, slowly, but surely embedded a very negative perception of her. Over the years, it's like a time bomb waiting to explode.

 

1 year ago, the company I am working for, came a new person applying for a position. I was the one interviewed her. She given me a good impression and I believed she is the right candidate for the job, even though she may not have enough experience. Lets call her R.

 

R is married for 3 years with a kid. R reports to me in the office. For the entire year, we maintain a professional relationship, there were no special feelings for each other. However, I like her as a person who is positive, hard working.

 

At this stage, my relationship with my wife was not turning any better. It was still the same-old story. Until one day, there was a company meeting held out of town and there was opportunity spend time with all staff concern.

 

It was during that trip, I discover R at a more personal level and started to pay more attention to her in a very natural way. Then, I think I have this strange feeling towards her. It started just like that, with no warning. At this time, she was not aware yet. I just kept it to myself.

 

A few months past. We got an opportunity to travel overseas for a business project and deep down in my heart, I really looked forward to it, to spend more time with her and connect with her., perhaps share my feelings for her too.

 

It never cross my mind that what happen if she rejects me, she is married isnt? If she reject me, how are we going to face each other back to the office? Strangely enough, I never thought of all this.

 

I took my chances and during one of the evening dinner alone with her, I told her how I felt towards her. She was shocked.

 

And to my amazement, she accepted my honesty and respect how I felt towards her. She appreciates my directness. I like her even more since that night onwards.

 

The rest is history. It all started that night. And the city we went for our business trip will never never never never be the same again. Because so much memories. I never regretted that trip with her and never felt sorry once in my life, she made me came ALIVE again after all these years.

 

We were very happy to be together.

 

Is it wrong for me to start this relationship? I shifted, and ask myself, I live my life, I want to be happy, I do not want to lived a life that is "right" in the eyes of this world and ending up not happy. I do not have to please anyone and tell me what is right to do , what is wrong to do. I take responsibility and live with my consequences. I made a conscious choice.

 

She has her challenge too with her own marriage. I guess, that's why there are sense of connection. However, nothing compare to mine.

 

It has been 5 months now, and things were great back in the office. No one knew about what happen. But people in the office senses that we became closer than normal. It was my most happiest time over the past 5 years.

 

Somehow, words spread, and my wife got to know about it and she was mad about the rumours she heard....once again, she threaten for a divorce.

And this time, it seemed that she just trigger and push the "Eruption" button, and with years of suppressed anxieties and misery, I finally exploded with a soft voice, "Ok, agreed."

 

What happened next was to my surprised. She actually broken down and I guess my reaction to her was not what she used to expect. She actually pushed me to the limits and finally she succeeded, in her own words, she said, "I finally pushed you to another woman...I am sorry..can you forgive me?" I was untouched and I knew that it's all over in my heart.

 

I no longer love her the way I used to, I no longer care for her the way I used to. Where did I find the courage to say yes to her when she wanted a divorce? Could it be R ? but there is no commitment from R that we can be together anyway !

 

R is married. She loves me too., but at the same time, she can not just walk away from her marriage because of me. I wont want her to go through that at least for now.

 

After that explosion, our lives changed. B changed totally to a new person and to such an extends, I do not know her anymore. It was very scary for me. She suddenly became very supportive of my business, the way she behaved, the way she talks - totally different.

 

No matter what she does, changed....somehow, I had just lost the feeling of love with her...i have totally zero desire emotionally and physically...I think the problem now is with me.

 

With R, I am very happy. When I came home, I am miserable. This is how I spend my life now. Between B and me, we have not talked about divorce anymore....obviously she is working hard not to make it a self proclaim prophecy - but the problem is that my heart is no longer with her...

 

R is not ready for any commitment with me. My logical mind tells me that, if I file for a divorce with B, I will not end up with R anyway - I will be lonely.

 

And I am lonely, and R can not be with me, I wont be happy. I am lost.

 

A few days ago, I told R to let me go, holding on to me and yet she herself is not willing to pay the price to be together with me is not doing anyone good. It will made all of us suffer even more.

 

She told me to go with the flow. I can see from her eyes that she is devastated as well...

 

The reason I felt stucked is because, I am mixing my relationship with R and my near-divorce-marriage together. They are separate issues but with intimated relationship.

 

I am thinking to have a good chat with B. To tell her honestly how I felt about her new changes..etc and how I am untouched...and it is not fair for her to invest so much in our relationship if i am not working on it anymore. She deserve better than this. Perhaps we should try to live separately and see how things go along.

 

As for R. I do not know what will happen to us. Maybe I was just her Escape button and no matter what is in her mind, and no matter what she wanted to do with me, I will still respect her decision. I just want her to be happy.

 

I have actually written her a song entitled "I will wait for you", this is something I have written and sang and given to her as a birthday present. I never knew I can be a song writer and singer...I guess that's the most romantic thing I ever done for R.

 

-----

Ideally, I would want my story to ends like this :

 

B and I are separated with love. We are still the parents for our kids. B and I became friends. I will still support them financially and spend quality time with them, and I want them to grow up to know that communication is crucial in sustaining relationship, do not wait until it is too late to do anything. And it is NOT ok to stay on with a relationship for the sake of staying on, if both the partners are not happy anymore with each other. It's ok to let go, to let go with love.

 

R will eventually be with me, supporting me, loving me and work together to achieve our common dreams. Just like my song, I will wait for you., One day, we will be together.

 

-----

I can't change the first half of my life with B., but I definitely can change the second half of my life. If R can be with me, my life will be meaningful., if R can not be with me, I may never love again.

 

If you were me, what will you do? and Why ?

[abitbroken]

Yes, this relationship is wrong to have. R is MARRIED with 3 children and you are breaking up two families by going forward. I suggest you end it now. On top of it, often someoen repeats the same mistakes with a mistress once she becomes a wife. If you were to be with R, you would have your own kids and ex wife, plys the huge drama of her kids and ex husband.

 

Divorce is hard enough, but I know a lot of folks who were utterly shattered in cases where a parent cheated. They have animosity towards the new spouse or mistress and the cheating parent.

 

Firstly, I would advise that if you don't want to be with your wife, that you put your relationship with R on hold. That you be with NEITHER woman to sort yourself out. The "other woman" always looks good - you see eachother at your best.

 

The big mistake I think you made is not listening to your wife's concerns and even imagining that there must be a reason behind what she thinks. She had a valid concern for you starting a business because it affects BOTH of you. when you have kids and one spouse choose self employment, it is a major change for the whole family and you may not have considered that. You chose to go with what YOU wanted to do instead of trying to make things work in the context of your family by perhaps waiting until if she was home with the kids that the youngest one was in school so if she needed to get a position to back up the uncertainty of self employment, she could. Or maybe delaying it until you had a firm business plan and everything in place since you were unsuccesful the first time. You act as if she was saying 'no" to going out with the guys or something minor - its a BIG DEAL. There is a lot of truth to her concerns if you failed the first time. marriage is a partnership - its not about one person making decisions and expecting the other person to jump in the lake if they don't like it.

 

Also, as far as your parents, you should be putting your wife and children first. why are you giving them so much money? Are your parents elderly and sick or can they just not handle money well? There are programs for folks to learn how to budget and if they are ill - what about enlisting siblings and cousins to help? or maybe they need more reasonable living accommodations? With two young children, you are responsible for their needs.

 

Your "outcome" is unrealistic. If you have been unloving to your wife by cheating on her and treating her opinions as if they don't matter, she is probably going to be hurt and bitter. And who knows if R will really leave her husband.

 

I say that you should end this fantasy pronto. Seek counseling with your wife and for yourself at this point.

[Sanesoul]

There's a few things you need to understand:

 

You are in the "fog" of your affair. R is wonderful and amazing and you are in love with her, which makes your wifes changes ineffective because you really want to be with the other woman.

 

R will not leave her husband for you, ever. She doesn't want to. She's having her cake and eating it too. She's having a bit of fun while her husband takes care of things at home.

 

If you really want to make the best decision for you, then you need to end things with your affair partner and really focus on your marriage.

 

If you end your marriage in the heat of this affair, you will get burned. Your wife is more forgiving than most and appears to be really trying to save your marriage. The least you can do is try yourself.

 

I know you think you love this other woman, and she makes you feel like a new man, but it's all smoke and mirrors. When reality hits and you see what this relationship will turn into, you'll regret every minute of it.

[richmonder80]

Wake the heck up!! Love is not a feeling, it is a choice...with any relationships the "lust" fades but that is when love sustains the relationship...a guy asked his father...how do I continues to love my wife when I no longer feel it within my heart...the father reply...just love her. Love is a choice, you choose to be faithful, you choose to be loyal, you choose to make things work. You are just caught up with the romance of the new relationship.

 

If R wanted to be with you she would have...she doesn't, she just wants the cake and eat it too.

 

Put yourself in your wife's shoes...what will she do? What will your kids go through when she starts dating other men? Your kids will learn that it is ok to just give up and cheat and they will observe their mother dating men.

 

Be a MAN, you made a promise to her and to your kids...as they say, cheating doesn't hurt the marriage, it hurts the kids.

[WindowTo]

Misleading title, this is a very ugly love story. You are very good at blaming your wife for you failed marriage, but you forgot to take responsibility for your own part in it. If you are involved, you are responsible, there is no getting past that. Yes your wife did not support you emotionally when you started your business, but it sounds like you completely ignored her concerns about your family's financial future. Yes she started confrontation, but you never had anything to say, keeping silent instead of expressing yourself on something as important as the future of your family is a crime in itself.

 

This is such a stereotypical story. You need to realize that yes, your wife drove you away, but she was reacting to what you were giving her. I cant assume what the exact context of the relationship was because I don't know you, but your main priority does not seem to be the rest of your family it seems to be trying to spend time with R. Who is married. You cheated and she never did. You pretty much stooped to her level on that one. She may have pushed you into cheating, but maybe you pushed her into being the way she was. I don't know, but its a question you have to ask yourself.

[FootofGod]

Wake the heck up!! Love is not a feeling, it is a choice....

 

I agree with this sentiment. It is true your wife has changed and been quite unbearable in ways, but what did YOU choose to do about it? You went to work late, stopped communicating, drove the wedge, talked to a new girl, and ultimately let the divorce come and go. At every single one of these roads you could have chosen to do things to pull the two of you closer, or at least tried - couple's counselling, spending more time together, trying to talk to your family. People choose to watch love die and are accomplices.

 

I understand how you felt, though, and it's tough having a woman who is not supporting you, but you need to know that love is the thing that's supposed to bring you closer when things are bad and rough and it's not some magic spell, it's not even just a feeling, it's a conscious effort to do everything not let that person go until they choose to leave.

[seree]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advise.

 

I appreciate very words of wisdom found here. Let me discuss with my wife and see whats the outcome. I just have to take up the courage to confront the issue.

 

Love is a choice - not a feeling. How true. I chosen not to love my wife and chosen to love R. Even though R is an illusion. How stupid can i be?

 

Love is blind too - I find all sort of reasons to justify the relationship with R. I find all sort of reasons to justify why I want to end my marriage. Why? I need to know why and what's the reason? Do you think I do this to "punish" the wrong that my wife has done to me last time?

 

Love is hope - I hope to spend the rest of my life with R. But hope is not a strategy. Everyone here is probably right to say that R will not leave her husband for me anyway. Unless something happen between R and her husband.

 

Love is being honest :

I actually thought of this : I thought of telling R's husband how I felt about his wife and get a punch on my face. Then, I will tell him, how fortunate he is to be married with R, please appreciate her as much if not more than I appreciate her., After that, it will not be secret anymore. 4 of us can sit down and be open about it and made a choice.

 

I don't know what love is, I know what love is not.

 

We have to move on with our lives...

[benga]

Everybody is correct here... There seems to be a fog right now. DO NOT initiate any contact with R's husband. Does she know that you feel this way? You are going to be breaking up 2 families for sure. Deal with own first. I suggest you see some sort of individual counselling immediately to deal with what you are going through...

[seree]

Everybody is correct here... There seems to be a fog right now. DO NOT initiate any contact with R's husband. Does she know that you feel this way? You are going to be breaking up 2 families for sure. Deal with own first. I suggest you see some sort of individual counselling immediately to deal with what you are going through...

 

Thks Benga...for understanding my situation...

 

Indeed, I have once shared this with R, and her reaction is that she is not ready to confront it yet. I will respect her decision. You are right, I will need to deal with my own first.

 

I will be talking to B these few days and see how we can resolve this matter in a peaceful manner.

 

I shall update everyone here....

 

Thks so much for all your kind support...

[benga]

Just a heads up to you. I have seen and known many people who are going through the same things you are "presently" going through. They chose to leave family and today (a few years later) are extremely regretful...

[abitbroken]

You are very idealistic - that the "four of you" will sit down and choose who goes with who. I am sorry, but things don't work that way. Both sets of children will be pulled through nasty divorces. Your wife and her husband are not just going to say "okay, that sounds reasonable, see you later." You could potential lose your children, or if not, their respect, as well. And by the way, you'll have child support and most likely alimony for your wife and kids.

 

Again, you are putting this all on your wife "for the way she treated you." You didn't treat her too great either. It is possible she acts cold because she feels unloved. Women need to feel respected and validated just like men do. I was in a marriage where I got a bit unattentive as I felt unloved. I couldn't even get a hug without him asking me "what's wrong NOW?" like I only deserved one if someone died or a typhoon took the house away. I felt chipped away at by the constant disrespect he had for my input on things that affected the both of us.

 

I think you are not getting the "choose to love" thing. Your head can turn when pretty girls walk by and you can lust after people, but your head is on straight because you are with someone. That's a choice. You don't chase skirts. And that's why men are not tempted by coworkers. But, you don't have women lined up and decide "i am going to love you and drop you.."

 

You already made the choice to love your wife when you married her. Marriage doesn't mean "i do" until someone younger and hotter comes along.

 

I have a feeling that the affair with R would cool if it is no longer forbidden and reality sets in - needing to deal with her kids, etc.