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Messed up a good LTR prospect - could use some help


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This is quite a delicate matter and I could really benefit from your advice.



Why do I want to reconcile?

My ex is very talented, mature in outlook and a great person to be around. She is a real fighter, so strong in herself.

She has all the qualities I look for in an LTR. We had been together for three years.



After one month of NC I reinitiated with her yesterday. I sent a short txt asking how she was.


She replied positively though she is a bit ill and has been staying with her parents for the past few days instead of her place.

She is going through some really intense issues with her parents, I won't go into details but let's say I don't know anyone in her situation and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.


I replied a few hours later saying "i'm fine", "let me know how you get on".


I wanted to show I cared so I went to see her after work. I turned up unannounced, as I have done in the past, and she invited me in for a drink.


We talked about her and her parents, life. Her bodylanguage was a little closed at first. I made her laugh, told her how well my job was going. I did not mention the relationship.


After about 2 hours of chilling with her and her family, she said she was going to have a sleep, I could tell she felt uncomfortable with me being there any longer so I departed. On the way out I told her

"if there's anything I can do, you know where I am"

"you are very special to me"


I hugged her a few times and left.



Additional information

My gut feeling is that by visiting her, I pushed her.


She has an online dating profile which she set up about a week ago. She has slowly been updating it with more photos and information.


She made a new update since my visit yesterday.


It basically says she loves life but hasn't met anyone special yet. It's a pretty straight up serious profile about finding the right person. Nothing distasteful. She says she wants to meet new people, friends and ultimately find the one to settle down with.


Clearly she now believes in abundance. Her intention is to date other guys over the summer.



Rome wasn't built in a day



What I want to do is show how strong I am, to continue to show that I care about her, and that I have my own life. I realise that some pursueing is required but in a delicate way.



So from the depths of the universe, I seek your help and wisdom.

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You need more NC.


I did the same thing you did years ago. Of course, it didn't work. Instead, what happened was over the course of a year I started getting more and more used to her not being mine anymore. I began to call her less, I found myself realizing that I never thought about her that day which became days then weeks and so on, and stopped finding her so perfect like I did when the breakup was fresh. It took one year for me to realize that not only was waiting for them the wrong way to go about it, but also that they're not someone you can't live without. In fact, given enough time they even become easy to live without. That's also when I realized how right everyone was about NC.


NC is really the best move you can make. It helps you move on the fastest, while having this strange side effect of being the most successful at getting back together with them. The thing is, you have to NC until you are at the point where you are fine whether you get back together or not. I really advise you to NC. I really don't think this plan of showing how strong your love is and how committed you are in getting back together will go the way you wanted it to; it never does.

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Visiting an ex unannounced was not a good idea. It showed you were not over her and were to weak to stay away and respect her decision to end things. You need to go NC and disappear. If she wants you back she knows where to find you.


Your helping her move on. She updated her dating profile!

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Your helping her move on. She updated her dating profile!


You beat me to it Live-N-Learn. I was going to say the exact same thing. The more you stay in touch with her, the more you will see profile and picture updates.


You have reinforced how you are still there on the sidelines waiting for her and therefore, made yourself look unattractive, even though you made attempts to come accross as a stronger, more confident guy with a better job etc. Problem is, while doing all of that, you are showing her that you are still there for her, so all of those positive changes may not mean a whole lot to her, since she still has you on the hook, which going back to what I said earlier, makes you look unattractive. Need to avoid all contact with her, especially showing up uninvited!

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