In Love With Another Woman

[keystoyou]

This is an extremely complicated story to say the least. But I will do my best to make it clear. Advice and/or insight is greatly appreciated.

 

My wife and I have been married for four years now. We got married after finding out she was pregnant, which was not planned. I did love her, but getting married was me doing the "right" thing. I supposed I could have let the state pay for the birth, but I had a good paying job, with great benefits, and getting married as to cover her, to me, was the right thing to do.

 

We promptly bought a new car, then a house, and did the normal american family thing...

 

Around 6 months in to her pregnancy, her older brother (older by 5 years), brought over his new girlfriend, we'll call her Susan. (background on this guy....pathological liar, very angry, conniving, and hurtful to anyone who offends him in any way)

 

From that moment, Susan and I got along great. Nothing ever became of it, but we both always had an interest in each other.

Couple of years went on, nothing ever occurred between Susan and i aside from chatting here and there at family functions etc....

 

6 months ago Susan and the brother split up, she moved out of state with their child, which was prearranged with the courts, and we spoke here and there online mostly about my wife and i's relationship. I would regularly ask for advice on situations, because she knows the family as well as I do. (The entire family is very very defensive, temperamental, negative, gossipy, could be alcoholics...my wife included.)

 

Throughout my marriage, there have been multiple times of my wife being drunk and spouting things off that i have never heard before and never thought would be said to me. The basis of a happy relationship, to my wife, is based on the amount of sex to be had. I would say on average we have never had sex less than once a week, and in spurts as much as two times a day for days or a week at a time, throughout our marriage. I am a very kind person, never violent, and rarely ever get angry. I have been told things such as:

You don't ever even want to [your wife! (when shed come home drunk at 3 o clock in the morning and expect me to be ecstatic to get it on, when id been asleep for 5 hours)

Ive been told im a , to get the out of her house (which is our house), your a little just like your parents, go talk to your mom and maybe she'll tell you how to be a real man.

 

All of this would come out while drunk, plus more, and the next day I wouldn't get so much as an apology.

 

Finally, three months ago, after one of these episodes, I told my wife we were done and I was moving out. That I couldn't be with someone like that anymore. I ended up staying for a couple of weeks, but eventually made the move and moved in with a friend.

While living with this friend, Susan moved back to a nearby city because of work. We started a relationship. From day to day, my wife and I would discuss things and one day we would be separated, and the next working on things, and so on and so on. She never knew of Susan, and yes I intentionally kept it a secret.

 

I couldn't ever bring myself to simply get divorce papers for my wife. One being the fear of not being around my now 3 year old daughter, and two because I knew i was wrong for starting a relationship with Susan.

 

My wife found out about all of this a week ago. I told Susan that her and I had to end, and that if I wanted to be divorced from my wife, it had to be done on my own and without anything else to be a distraction. I have to do with this a clear head.

 

My wife and I are starting counseling this coming week, which will help...whether its a divorce, or us working things out, it will do us good.

 

Here is the problem. I am undoubtedly in love with Susan, and have been for a very long time. It isn't a "oh, i miss her." or "well it could be lust."

I haven't spoken to her since my wife found out, but have felt sick since then knowing that she simply isn't something i can have right now....if ever.

 

I know that none of this was fair to either of them, and i know I did everyone wrong.

 

I care for my wife dearly, but I do not love her, and feel as though she will never truly change, she has been trying, but the old her is always there and has come out multiple times. I understand she is hurt....I hurt both parties involved. I just don't know what direction to go from here. I know in my heart that my wife and I will not spend the rest of our lives together, and that somehow, somewhere Susan and I will end up together. We are simply meant for one another, if there is such a thing. All i want is for Susan's happiness. I want my wife to be happy as well....but I know that her and I just aren't compatible. We are two different people, and not the kind that can easily conform to the other.

 

Advice? Opinions?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am going to be very blunt....you need to develop a backbone. You keep taking the easy way out not making decisions one way or the other, just sitting on the fence letting the wind blow you in this direction then that direction. Your wife constantly verbally abused you and yet there you were having sex with her multiple times a week. When you finally walk out on her you immediately start a relationship with Susan and go back and forth lying to both women...not ending your marriage to a woman who abuses you and even going back and forth with talk about reconciliation and yet seeing someone else at the same time. Now you still aren't making a decision. You claim to love Susan and yet here you are ready to try to work things out with someone who was verbally abusing you. If you know that you don't love your wife and there is no future there, then why aren't you actually taking the steps to end it once and for all. Why all this fence sitting?

[keystoyou]

I know that's what im doing....but thank you for saying it. My problem is...why the hell can't i just make a decision, the decision has been made, but why can't i seem to just go through with it? Is it guilt?

Hopefully counseling will give me some insight...but really it's just to see if anyone else has felt like this before? If it's for lack of a better term, normal, to be this much of a damn wet noodle.

I always stood up for my wife in every situation there was...but behind the scenes was being broken down by her constantly. Maybe it's the years of just letting it happen.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You can indeed make a decision...you just choose not to. You can wait for a eureka moment after several months of counselling or you can choose now to finally make a decision.

[keystoyou]

would it not be wrong of me to at least go through the therapy? for the sake of doing it?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

No, it would not be wrong to go through therapy...but don't use therapy as a way to further delay decision-making.

[bulletproof]

What disturbs me is your statement that all you want is for Susan's happiness. I feel like right now your main priority should be your child. And the best thing for your child is to divorce your wife if you feel there is absolutely no chance of it working out, and then structuring your life so that you are as available to your daughter as possible. I would think that starting to date someone shortly after a divorce would be terribly confusing for your child, also.

 

I also wonder how much of the "soul mate" connection you're feeling with Susan is based on the two of you going through the same drama and negativity from your wife's family. It's sort of like people bonding from being in a war together or a plane crash- once they get back to reality, they see that the bond was not necessarily what they thought.

[keystoyou]

Maybe I should have put more about my daughter, but don't get me wrong, she IS my number one priority. This isn't something that would need to be addresses as far as the circumstances with Susan. My daughter, if a relationship with Susan were to evolve, would not be brought in to it, for a long while. Susan would not be moving in with me, and we would be "dating" per say because of the distance between us.

I would not be that divorced person who wishes their child to call the new b/f or g/f mom or dad. And I would not ever expect her to. I would be getting my own place, and making it a haven for my daughter and I to spend time together. Susan, like me, keeps her child as number 1. This is something that would not change.

 

As far s our relationship being a result of a traumatizing experience that we both went through....I guess that is possible. In my eyes, improbable, but still possible. Before the downfall of both of our relationships, there was already something obvious between us. This is why I tend toward not believing that theory...but yet...it is still possible.

 

My wife and I have counseling scheduled for this coming Friday. We will see what happens.