Argh families!

[KH26]

Sorry, this will probably be long.

 

I don't know much of my family. It's always been this way. My aunty (dad's sister) and her children used to come visit us at Christmas and some other times. But since everyone's grown up they don't visit anymore. Not that I was every that close to them anyway, that wasn't possible when I just saw them once a year. I have an aunty (mums side) who lives about 100 miles away. I've only ever met her twice but always talk to her on the phone and used to write letters to her when I was little. Then there's my sister who lives 400 miles away (never been close) and my brother who lives quite close, I see him a few times a week and love him, his children and his partner. My brother's about the only close relative I have.

 

Anyway. I have an aunty and 3 cousins (all still living together, on my mums side) who I was always quite close to. I had some problems when I was in secondary school, had quite a big accident and was on crutches for a long time. They did a lot for me to cheer me up, take me out to do things when I was feeling miserable etc.

 

But they're not exactly... I don't know. They're a bit strange is the only way I can put it.

 

My aunty is... about 65 now. She has 3 daughters who are 40, 35 and 23. The 23 year old I was very close with growing up, best friends though high school. As I was growing up my parents and my aunty and 2 older cousins had a few arguments because of various things. But I always remained close to the younger daughter, she was the most "normal" out of all of them.

 

None of them have ever worked (just a few odd cleaning jobs that only lasted for a few weeks). My younger cousin was the only one who has worked and tried to get jobs. But they tried to stop her. They believe that everyone else should support them, it's their rights to get benefits when they're perfectly capable of working. Because my younger cousin wanted to make something of herself they argued with her and she moved out and in with some guy she met on the internet. That's a whole different story which I won't go into but it went horribly wrong, she took an overdose and they only allowed her to come back home then because she had no where else to go.

 

Moving on a few years. My oldest cousin became pregnant by a married man. She thought she couldn't have children. This guy said he was going to leave his wife and move in with her and the baby. But my aunty did not want her to move out. Not that I agree that it is right for her to be with someone who's married. But if she'd met any other guy my aunty would never talk to her again if she moved out. They live in a 2 bedroom house, it's full of animals and there's just no room. Anyway. My aunty didn't like this guy because my cousin was prepared to leave home and move in with him and the new baby. But my cousin wanted another baby and my aunty was OK with looking after the baby while she went and slept with this guy just to get pregnant again (which happened). Two babies, no job, 2 bedroom house and everyone living there, animals everywhere, not good.

 

Then my youngest cousin met a man, had a one night stand and became pregnant with his child. So there's now my aunty, 3 cousins and 3 children, all under 5 plus all the animals living in this house, not right (in my opinion anyway). They won't let the children go to school (even though the oldest child is old enough to go to play school now) and pretty soon social services will become involved because I'm sure it will become truancy.

 

So my cousins were all on my Facebook. And I recently noticed that my youngest cousin was adding sperm doners she'd met on the internet to her Facebook. She's always said she wants another baby and has slept with various men to try to get pregnant. My aunty will not let any of them have a normal relationship. When they've had boyfriends in the past and been on dates they've all had to go along and it's like a big family thing, they never get to spend time with the guys which, eventually, pushes these blokes away. My aunty believes it's OK for them all to continue having children but not have a normal relationship with any of these men. I believe she's scared of them leaving her. She can't be on her own, that's clear.

 

So. My aunty who I used to write letters to and talk to on the phone told them that she thinks what they're doing isn't right, that the children can't all continue sleeping in the same room as they get older etc. They argued with her and then stopped talking to me and my parents because we went to visit my aunty. Weird aunty told us we were "traitors". We didn't talk for months. Then she apologised but my middle cousin, I noticed, had deleted me off Facebook. I tried to talk to her but she ignored me but added loads of my friends and tried to cause arguments with them. I still spoke to my youngest cousin on Facebook from time to time and my older cousin was still added on there.

 

Anyway. I met my boyfriend about a year and a half ago. I've met all his family but explained to him that I don't know much of my family so there wasn't many people to meet which he understood. We went to my auntys house a few times but they were never in only my middle cousin who refuses to talk to me. She wouldn't let us in the house. My mum then phoned my aunty a few weeks ago who shouted at her down the phone because they haven't met my boyfriend yet. It's been blatantly obvious from what's been said in the past that they hate the fact that I'm in a normal relationship, am working damn hard to build my career, will be moving in with my boyfriend soon and I'm not pregnant and don't have lots of kids running around. When I first met my boyfriend my aunty actually told me I should get pregnant, get a council house and get all the benefits I can possibly claim. This was just because I was having a difficult time at college at the time and, for a few weeks, did consider dropping out. She told my mum if she didn't encourage me to do this she would stop talking to her.

 

And now I think that's the issue they have with me. Because I want to settle down this this man, get married and then have children when I've built a career.

 

Anyway. I wanted to ask my youngest cousin something last night so was going to write her a message on Facebook but then realised they've all deleted me. This hurts me, especially because my youngest cousin has deleted me too. I always thought we were OK. She'd even asked how things were with my boyfriend and said she'd come out with us sometime which I was looking forward to. And she'd commented on some pictures of us on Facebook. But they've all just turned against me because I'm happy with my life. And it hurts. As strange as they all are, they've always been the ones who were around and the ones who did quite a bit for me when I had that accident at school. And I've always loved them no matter what they did.

 

Just upsets me. I went to my boyfriends brothers wedding recently and all his family where there, loooads of them. It upsets me to think that I'll have pretty much no family when I get married. Feels like none of them want to know me anymore but I don't know why, just because my life is going OK? I don't know.

 

I want to send an email or something and ask what it is that I've done wrong. But I don't know if I should, I don't even know if they'd reply now.

 

I should just leave it shouldn't I?

[bearskittie]

hi KH26 wow that was a long read lol.

Well erm it is an odd situation but try to email them but like you said they may not reply so be prepared for that. Your aunt sounds a little nuts but yea its sounds like shes scared of losing her little babies your cousins have you tried talking to your cousins about this you never know they might have a chat with your aunt and see if they can work this out between them.

Dont be upset its their loss by the sounds of it i mean i dont have the worlds best family either just look at some of my posts etc, but try to contact them if nothing comes from it or its just nasty replies cut communication for awhile and try again, thats what i have always done and it seems to work out ok unless its my mum lol.

hope i've helped feel free to contact me if you want

[KH26]

Thanks

 

I don't know, I hate some of the things my aunty has done to my cousins in the past, the way she won't allow them to become their own people and to have their own life. But I do think there must be some underlying issue she has, she can't help that I guess. And she said some things which I will find hard to forgive. My boyfriend is a very successful doctor, his brother is a banker, he has cousins who are high up in running some of the biggest companies in this country, his parents have a very high and respectable job too. But my family is different. We're not poor, we're not rich. My parents always worked but never went to college and always had pretty basic jobs. But my aunty things I should be with my boyfriend for his money, have a baby and just get money off him and never work or I should claim benefits. I love my boyfriend. I wouldn't care if he was uneducated, unemployed or whatever. I don't care what money he has. I rarely let him pay for things for me, we either go Dutch if we go out or take it in turns to pay. Last time he bought me dinner was about 2 months ago as a thank you for helping him when he broke his leg. He would buy me so much if I let him but I don't want him to. I respect him and love him so much. I'm just proud of what he does, not because of the money he earns for it.

 

But that's not what my aunty and older cousins believe I should be like, I should take advantage of him is all she said when I met him.

 

Blah. Don't know. I shouldn't forgive things like that I guess. I shouldn't be hurt because they won't talk to me. But I do still love them

[bearskittie]

Its natural to hurt because you summed it up there we love are families no matter what i had a friend who's grandma was like your aunt old fashioned head still stuck in the days of women have babies, cook, clean, stay home and worship men an their money load of crap i say lol. They never really move on with todays gen where us women now have just as many rights as men if not afew more etc maybe thats where your aunt is going wrong she see's men as the man of the house still when nowadays its equal. Its up to you if you want to forgive and forget whats been said but it will hurt for awhile unless they communicate with you again soon.

[KH26]

Hmm not sure, would say that's what's wrong. But I think it might be something else. She was married twice, was beaten badly by her one husband and was treated badly by men in general. So that might be the problem. She might believe that her daughters and every other woman should treat men with as little respect as they've treated her in the past. That they're just there for money, sex and to make babies with. But I hate the way she controls her daughters the way she does and the way she won't talk to me or my parents unless we're agreeing with the things she says etc. And it hurts to think that she's made my younger cousin believe these things and she now won't talk to me either.

 

Ahhh never mind. Every time this happens she comes and apologises eventually. In future I won't run around for them quite as much. They never visit us. We live about 5 minutes away, she could have come and met my boyfriend many times if she wanted to and they've always known they're more than welcome to come here for coffee/dinner whatever. But they never make an effort. We always make the effort to see them but then if we're busy and can't see them for some reason this is what happens.

 

Frustrating!

 

It's right, can choose your friends but not your family lol.

[catfeeder]

The youngest is being controlled by the other family members. There will always be provincial clans who ostracize those who seek to explore the world beyond them, and the only way they can stay delusional is to keep a tight reign on one another to ensure that no normal thoughts or behaviors can penetrate.

 

Look, I know this sounds trite, but you've got to stop taking this personally and start seeing it objectively. The part of you that understands that these people are dysfunctional needs to win. The sentimental part of you is warping your own thinking into attempts to cater to their sickness just to be included in their small world. The problem with that is, there will never be any rational reasons why you can never please these people--their temper tantrums are the only thing they have. It's the only way they believe they can get attention and feel important.

 

You can't cater to this family without consequences. It will only encourage their behavior and teach them that every time they shut you down, you'll tap dance to make them happy with you again. But these people will never be happy--with you, or with anyone else. No matter what you say or do, there will always be some line you didn't walk properly according to them--and that's not about love, it's illness and control.

 

While I understand the bonds you've formed over your lifetime as important to you, you cannot pretzel yourself to appear sick in order to stay in the good graces of these people. Just live your life, extend kindness whenever there's an opening, send cards on birthdays and holidays, send notes or letters that unapologetically speak of good things and welcome them to respond. Beyond that, do NOT cater to their mentality or apologize in ANY way for living a normal life. Just pretend that everything is always fine no matter how often they pretend everything is always wrong. That will continue to be the dynamic of this relationship, and if you encourage their warped thinking by getting your feelings hurt, you'll sink yourself.

 

If the above steps don't prompt any of these people to respond in kind, then play stupid to their behaviors, grow amnesia about their snubs with every next kindness you extend, and continue to behave as though you don't notice the next temper tantrum--because there will always BE a next temper tantrum. Getting your feelings hurt about that is not the way to play this. It will only encourage them to ramp up their control, and that's not sustainable no matter WHAT you do.

 

Head high, live your life, and if these people ever get lonely enough, they'll knock it off and let you know.

[bearskittie]

catfeeder is right we understand your pain and i understand you feel you need to contact them but there always is another tantrum and so on but like i said contact them but be prepared for no reply or a nasty one its up to you if you want to stay in contact with them and sometimes little contact makes people realize things well most people lol.

[KH26]

Yeah, you're definitely right. There'll always be another temper tantrum. They were OK when I was younger, from what I remember anyway. But it was as the 3 daughters grow older something changed, the thought that they'd leave my aunty probably? Don't know. Up until I was about 15 I remember them being OK. But it's definitely like they work as their own little family to get what they want, anyone from outside is not allowed in unless it's to benefit them in some kind of way. The arguments are always ridiculous.

 

They've also said some horrible, horrible things about other people which could ruin peoples lives (won't go into what). They've had numerous people arrested because of things they've said or accused them of. They're hypochondriacs and have said they've had horrible illnesses which haven't been true. And my boyfriend being a doctor, I don't think him meeting them would be that good an idea anyway. I would not trust the things they could say about him.

 

Ahh it's definitely frustrating. But it is something I shouldn't worry about anymore. Catfeeder is right, going back to them does no good. OK, if they come and apologise I will talk to them, I will listen to what they have to say. But I won't try visiting anymore. Last time I went there I definitely wasn't welcome. They haven't even allowed me to come see the youngest child (who is now 1 and a half) since he was a week old. I would love to see him, he's a sweet child. But I've had to make do with seeing photos of him on Facebook. Whatever though. Not up to me to try to make things right anymore. Nothing will ever be right, there'll always be some kind of tantrum when me and my family aren't behaving the way they think is "right". I'm happy, my life's going OK at the moment. I don't need crazy relatives like this!

[bearskittie]

i'm glad we have been able to help you out i know how you feel i dont bother with my mum shes just as nuts but you do find after awhile people start to realize that they have done wrong and if not tough they have to live without you in their lifes i just hope everything works out ok and good luck with the bf very happy for you

[capilot]

Sounds like your aunt is more than just a little nuts. Sounds like she's graduated from animal hoarding to baby hoarding. No good can come from this.

 

I wish I had better advice for you other than "run away". I don't think you can help them while they're still living with your aunt. Getting involved will only drag you into the mess.

[KH26]

Sounds like your aunt is more than just a little nuts. Sounds like she's graduated from animal hoarding to baby hoarding. No good can come from this.

 

They're hoarders of everything. No one's perfect but I would never bring up a child in a house that is in as much chaos as theirs is. It's dangerous there to be honest.

 

I'm past wanting to help them really. They're all old enough to take care of themselves and do something about it if they all really want to leave. But that hasn't happened after however many years. I don't see it happening either really. Just hate the fact that because I choose to be in a normal relationship and have a normal life they want nothing to do with me. Ah well, their loss I guess!