I like my TA...

[Lily04]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm taking a course in summer school at university and find myself very attracted to my TA (teaching assistant.) He's only about 4 yrs older than me so it's not too bad in that respect. I just met him yesterday for essay conferencing (he just marked our essays) and he's not responsible for marking anything else because there's another TA in the course too, and besides that I don't see him in class. We got along great when I was talking to him and we seem to have similar personalities & interests. He said I could contact him if I need any help for my next essay, which I will do..the thing is that it's really hard to tell if he likes me more than just a friend. We met in a professional environment so we didn't stray from talking about much besides the essay & course, although we did a bit..he was acting very nice towards me, and seemed impressed by my questions.. and he stared at me a bit & blushed, but again that doesn't necessarily mean anything. He never flirted with me though, but it would have been risky for him to. I would like to get to know him better but I don't really know how, or even if he likes me..it's too soon to say I guess if he still only thinks of me as a student. The thing is that I feel like we're on the same intellectual wavelength, so I don't think there would be much of a problem with any feelings of superiority/inferiority..

 

I'm also a little confused because I'm usually very close with my TAs. My history TA & I were best friends (although nothing more than that - he's around 30 & married) and my economics TA and I got along great, we went out for coffee and such. And in high school I was always sorta the teacher's favourite (not pet though..I never sucked up or anything.) So it's hard for me to tell if he just likes me as a friend, or respects me because I'm a hard worker & show interest in the subject, or if he likes me more than that..

 

Any opinions would be great..I guess I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts. I really like this guy but I don't know how to pursue it in this situation..or even if I should.

 

Thanks,

 

lily04

[RagingBull]

Hehe, he would get into quite a bit of trouble if he started flirting/dating with you. This would be a serious conflict of interest on his part.

 

You'll have to wait til after class has ended and final grades have been given.

[Lily04]

Thanks for the reply, but I don't know if that's the case..we're getting another TA to mark the next essay & I don't think he'll be responsible for grading anything else. Plus, he didn't even know me until AFTER the essays were graded so it's not like there was any conflict of interest there..

[Lily04]

Any other opinions? I'm always surprised at the amount of views on this board compared with the amt. of replies..don't be shy people, I posted because I want to hear what you think! =)

 

thanks,

 

lily04

[Alec]

Lol, judging by your post it seems you have a thing for talking to TA's. But put the humor aside for a sec, yea I think your best bet is to try your best to avoid the conflict of interest and see him in a non-professional setting. Only there will you find out what he truly is like, if he was just being nice to you or if he might like you. Also judging by how short of a conversation you had with him you don't know if he may have a girlfriend or not. Best bet is to just try and talk to him outside of the classroom, an extended conversation, nothing more.

[Lily04]

Thanks, that sounds reasonable..although initially I'll probably meet him in an academic setting, but I guess we can get off-topic somehow..

 

To be honest, I think he sees me as just a student now, but I'm hoping it'll lead to more afterwards; he seems like a great guy =)

[piscesprincess]

I know he is a TA, but men with intellect are just so irresistible! i wrote to another female who was "in love with 2 men", one was her tutor/teacher in college. Anyways, i recently had a crush on one of my professors too. It was nothing serious, plus he is married & I have a boyfirend ( we adore each other).

 

Just be cool. Be smart. You have to decide if it is important to have an intimate (even close friendship) with this man. B/c it is a real conflict of interst professionally. Esp. where grades are concerned. I mean he could even lose his job! If he likes you enough (and he's single, stay away from taken men) then, he may risk it for sex or any affection. Still, it is best to wait for at least the end of the semester or transfer, girl, if you just can't wait.

 

Just don't let the guilt eat at you if you guys get caught: he's only an asistant...I think most wait until they are tenured b/c it's hard to lose their jobs.

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the post, piscesprincess. Yeah, he is pretty irrisistable; I can't stop thinking about him! ugh..lol. I'm going to see him tomorrow though hopefully since he'll be at my school, and I think that's it..

 

You raised a good point though, I'm not really sure what the policy is in this situation..I'm not 100% sure whether he's responsible for any more marking, but he's said he's not marking the last essay and the exam, I'm not sure if he can give input to the prof. or anything like that that could potentially influence grades.

 

I think he might like me though..we talked for an hour yesterday, past class time & he always laughs at my quirky sense of humour..but at the same time yesterday I felt like there was a barrier, like I had to be polite and play the role of a student a bit, I wasn't really flirting & neither was he, so I don't know how he thinks of me..I sorta felt like something was there though but it could have just been because I was starting to like him..I don't know

 

But anyways, I feel silly worrying about the consequences of getting together now, when I don't even know if he likes me. I guess I'll talk to him more & see..but I think he may just be playing it safe as well. I know he's officially a TA for the course, but I think it's a bit unfair if the same rules apply when I never see him anyways & he's not even grading any more assignments (if that's the case.)

[Lily04]

[edit] lol, I don't know how many ppl. saw my original message, but it was a big overexaggeration..something really unrelated (about my essay.) But in any case, it's OK, just miscommunication..I was sorta freaking out at the time though, hehe. =)

 

About my TA though, I saw him today just before class and I don't think he really likes me in that way, or is trying not to. He barely acknowledged my presense! It was weird. He just acted towards me like I was a stranger or acquaintance. So who knows, maybe he has a girlfriend as well. I'm going to e-mail him about my upcoming exam though & maybe talk to him more, but I'm not really making it a priority or anything. If anything happens, that's great, but it seems like he doesn't want to get involved (as he can probably get fired anyways.) So I understand that..

 

So that's the update..I would've really liked it if we could've got together but it just seemed sorta awkward today..maybe in a non-academic setting it'd be different though, I don't know. eh, I'll see. For now I'm just focusing on school & exam in a few days, so I won't be thinking too much about this..thanks for teh responses though, if anyone's interested I'll let you know if anything works out! I have a feeling it'll just be a typical student/TA relationship though

 

see ya,

 

lily04

[Lily04]

Hey Lily,

 

Thanks so much for the help btw! =) I thought I'd try to help you out with your situation, but it seems sorta static right now That's OK though; I don't think it necessarily means that he doesn't like you, but he may just be taking a step back & thinking that he doesn't want to get involved in anything right now and may wait towards the end of the semester. I think meeting him again would be a good idea if possible, but it's up to you. If there was some chemistry between you though then I have a feeling he may just be trying to keep some professional distance now after possibly re-evaluating it..did he talk to you at all? or just sorta say 'hi' and that was it? hmm..

[Lily04]

Hey sparrow,

 

Glad I could help you out & thanks for your input as well! =) Yeah, he said 'hi', didn't completely ignore me but hardly even looked in my direction! (which sorta sucked because I made sure I looked great as well, heh.) I don't even know if he did..he just kept looking at the door, waiting for the prof & his voice was sorta distant..

 

But when the prof. came & he talked to her he wasn't much more personable either. Maybe he's just not very talkative..I don't know. But I thought he would have been a bit more friendly after our talk..yeah, that's sorta weird. What you said is a possibility, or maybe he just wants to be seen as a TA, not a friend, or more..;(

 

In any case, I sent him an e-mail just asking him a quick question because I couldn't reach my prof. I'll e-mail him something else later, maybe about meeting or something, but I'm not sure. I thought there was some sort of chemistry there, but perhaps I'm not the best judge of it..it's a two-way thing after all. And plus, he may have a gf or not want to get involved..

 

Well that sorta sucks. But thanks anyways, I'll ttyl..

 

Lily04

[Lily04]

Yeah, if he likes you he's probably trying to distance himself because of the possible consequences..that seems to make sense. Maybe try waiting until the end of the semester..but if another guy comes along in the meantime, don't hold back, go for it! =)

 

cya,

 

sparrow

[piscesprincess]

Hi again,

 

There are many source on the web which give backgrounds as to why female students (in particular) are attracted to their male professors. I do not agree w/the feminist point of view which states that the professors in a higher power consciously take advantage of the less expirenced "naive" girl (student). On the contrary, we are all 18 or older, so we adults & consenting at that...any ways, I still feel that it is best to wait till the end of the semester. It's difficult when you are attracted to someone, but this is a special situation...remember what I sai & it is very true: He could lose his job!

 

Just google: Male professors and female students sexual relationships (this hsould give you professional information & insight to your situation). this is a case of "forbidden love". Most of us have been there. be carefuly 8)

[Lily04]

Hi guys,

 

thanks for the posts..piscesprincess I agree with you on the power relationship issue to some extent. I know some profs. who might take advantage of their position & students who might just give in for marks and I don't think that's right. But I think in some cases dating a TA/prof. can be ok, especially if the person's not teaching anymore & the age difference isn't too great..

 

About my situation though, I e-mailed him & he said that I can contact him over the weekend to talk about my project (gave me his #) but at the same time he's not being very friendly, still maintaining a distant tone, which is a lot different from when I first met him. So I guess I'll call him but if anything happens it'll be at the end of the semester, because he obviously wants to exercise caution (which I can understand.)

 

In the meantime, I went out with someone yesterday night & we had a great time. I feel more attracted to my TA though, but at the same time I don't think I should wait for him because of the mere possibility of dating..do you think that makes sense? The thing that sucks about this guy I'm sorta dating now is that he's also going to grad school in the fall but moving to another country..and I also don't like the fact that he brags about his scholarships *all* the time, and his 'publications' (he edited one school publication) and a few other things..I just feel like he's *always* trying to impress me and I don't really care about that stuff. Because of that, I feel a distance between us...grrrr..why do I always pick the most difficult people to like? But he is a nice & intelligent person, and I enjoy spending time with him..it just seems like he was stroking his ego a little too much yesterday for my tastes..

 

anyways, hopefully things will work out somehow..I just feel sorta frustrated right now. But usually things work out in the end..but now I have to get back to study for my exam.

[Lily04]

Hi,

 

well I figured it out..I called my TA's cell phone today & a girl answered who's living with him (I assume his girlfriend.) So I guess that's why he was acting strangely. This sorta thing happened before actually, so I'm not surprised. A guy liked me before but he had a girlfriend & ultimately their relationship was long-term & not worth risking. Damn..well at least now I know.

[piscesprincess]

Yup, there are other fishi n the sea..at least he's not married (yikes), like my professor who I was crushing on- ah, to be a perpetual dreamer

[Lily04]

heh..ok this is a late post, but I just wanted another opinion..

 

I e-mailed my TA yesterday just to thank him for helping me on my essay & let him know how I did - I sorta felt I owed it to him.. (my mark shot up from a C to an A..but I did study a lot harder & the prof. marked it.) So he e-mailed me back 3 hrs later and said that he's happy that the exam was a success, and he's always happy to be able to help. He also said to feel free to keep in touch if I like..

 

Unfortunately, although I have a boyfriend now, and I suppose he does too, I still feel very attracted to him. That day that I met him was great, we seemed to connect very well & I think he felt it too. I thought I could forget about it but then I found out that he was teaching some classes as well..So after class one day I talked with him & told him he did a good lecture, although he looked a little nervous at the end..but not to worry about it, he did fine. He seemed to look a lot less stressed then..I think he was worried he never did a good job, because he really did seem quite pissed off at the end when everyone was asking him questions (heh, I doubt he prepared much.) Anyways, I also asked him if he could help me with my essay then, although his friend (the other TA) was waiting and he couldn't talk much. After that he delivered 2 more lectures (as a guest lecturer I guess) and just treated me as a normal student..whenever I offered answers in class he would just say 'yes..' but never mentioned me by name. When he sat in for the other TA's lectures, he would just smile acknowledgement at me sometimes but that was it. The last class he was just sitting in though (the other TA was presenting) I got into a conversation with the other TA and said a lot of intelligent comments in class, and introduced some humour into it as well..my TA started laughing hysterically and I could feel that he was staring at me after that.

 

I'm really not sure what to do about this..I don't know if he has a girlfriend (I assume so), and I'm dating someone now, but before the final exam I want to contact him and ask if we can meet to discuss it..as he said we can keep in touch..

 

I think he might like me but is hesitant because he has a gf & should be professional since he's a TA. But at the same time I really feel like we connected, and I want to meet him again.

 

Does this sound OK? Or should I just drop this idea altogether? My boyfriend is also leaving for a different country in September, and we just started dating so our relationship isn't that serious yet..and I can't get this guy completely out of my mind unfortunately. What should I do?

[Lily04]

I think you should just forget about him. Most likely he was just trying to be helpful & never meant anything more from it, especially if he has a girlfriend. You *could* suggest meeting though later on, just to confirm that he doesn't have feelings for you, but approach with caution - you don't want to do anything to make yourself look foolish if he doesn't respond.

 

Also, if you're prepared to cheat on your boyfriend with this guy, maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship yet either (or at lease an exclusive one.) Just thought I'd throw that out there for you to consider..your TA might have been attracted to you initially but after thinking about it, decided it wasn't worth jeopardizing his relationship. So in the e-mail you described, he was probably just suggesting that you could contact him in the future if you need help (as he said he always enjoys helping people..) My TAs have done the same in the past, and I've never thought anything of it except that. Some, especially if they want to be profs, really do want to help their students & wouldn't mind keeping in touch for that reason..

 

So just be cautious with this..and good luck in whatever you decide!