How do you forgive a cheater?

[Staple]

Some of you know my story--basically my girlfriend of 2 years whom I was madly in love with cheated on me with another guy (in another state as well, with her mother's approval too...).

 

How do I forgive her? It's been a few months, we're still seeing each other to be honest. I'm moving to D.C. in August so I felt like breaking up with her was pointless since her companionship brings so much to me (I just really enjoy spending time with her, I really do).

 

But it's killing me that I can't forgive her. I was stupid enough to ask for details and its killing me all the sexual things she did with him. And her mom paid for her trip to go there and its driving me nuts that a mother would actually do that (a really nasty woman, believe me...for example, she called my gf up on Valentine's to complain about me not doing enough for Valentine's [long story short, I took her out for a $200 dinner and bought her $300 worth of dresses and panties etc..., the shipment just came in a day late] even when she KNEW that her daughter was cheating on me already! Just what kind of a sick person does this?).

 

Her mom is in fact one of the main reasons this happened. For example, when we first started dating, I explained to my girlfriend that in my culture the "meeting of the parents" is a very official thing. That I would introduce her to them when we got to know each other more. Well, her mom of course made an issue out of this and just a few months later my girlfriend began the cheating, then told me that it was one of the reasons. Oh well. As if I didn't explain this BEFORE we got in a relationship.

 

Ugh, I just don't know how to get closure. NC is not an option here--I really want to keep her as a friend at least. I know it sounds stupid but she's important to me, despite what she did...does that make sense?

 

But this isn't just about her mom or anything--its also about everything else. She was accepting gifts and letting me pay for her for 2 years while she slept with another guy. The other day I had the heartbreaking pleasure of seeing a picture she drew just a few months after we began dating...of the other guy. It really hurt. A lot.

 

Honestly, in this situation what should I do? Should I just go on with what is left (basically, the shattered remains of a relationship I kept together even when she tried so hard to replace me with him)?

 

I'm leaving in one month then I never have to see her again. Thank god really because I don't think I will ever be able to leave her if I had stayed in Los Angeles forever.

 

Yeah, I'm weak, but what can I do, when you love someone this much, how can you let go? I can't. Really can't.

[Lawl3ssOne]

Can you put it behind you? That's the first question. Because in order to forgive, you have to be able to accept that it might happen again. Now I'm a kind of cynical bug but I'll tell you this: Cheaters, cheat for three reasons; they're either never satisifed, feel their relationship is missing something or do it as a way to get even. Whatever the reason for you being cheated on, you've got to weigh the devils and decide is it really worth putting yourself back in harms way with someone who's demonstrated that they don't deserve your trust. I always thought like, I should've been enough to think about before you did what you did. If thinking of me couldn't stop you dead in your tracks, then 'no' I don't want to be with you anymore. If you cheated on me because I'm missing something, than you weren't really ever happy with me from the beginning and its all been a lie. Or, why couldn't you have come and talk to me about it before turning your back toward everything we've worked to build together. I would think about things like that before I decided to keep the relationship alive. And I think those are legit questions to ask yourself before getting yourself hurt all over again.

[hodgson]

dude get out of this realtionship sounds like you treat her like gold so why are you allowing her to treat you like garbage? tell her this is not ok tell her how you really feel how shes treated you and how its hurt you, then tell her how you treated her and just end it. you sound like a good guy, bro you can do better than this and shes not going to change and may still be doing it now. sounds like shes taking you for a ride. best of luck

[hrtlsngl7]

I didn't read your novel dude, but if she cheated now,...she'll cheat again and again ad infinitum. Your worth more than that. Get rid of her ASAP. There are billions of other girls out there.

[TSandullo]

Yeah, I'm weak, but what can I do, when you love someone this much, how can you let go? I can't. Really can't.

 

You will let go.

You will be stronger.

And your love for her will fade into a tiny throb.

 

Honestly though, I congratulate you.

You have saved yourself from a disrespectful and untrustworthy individual who has carried out actions sanctioned by her very close family members too.

I congratulate you because of the new life that awaits you.

I congratulate you for the next woman who will be damned gifted to have a man as caring, considerate and loyal individual like yourself.

 

Well done.

 

Go on with your life and leave her behind.

And don't let anyone walk over you like that ever ever again.

 

TS

[blindfold]

You don't.

[Squiggy]

Hard to see it now and maybe for a long long time. But you'd be doing yourself a big favor by letting her go. The feeling you get now will so much intensify to a point that you will cry a lot, listen to sad songs, and watch romance movies.

 

Step 2 is realizing all of the above, and that you are actually doing it, then say to yourself "atleast i know how to fall in love, some people don't". Eventually you'll get sick and tired of feeling sorry for yourself and start another relationship OR someone else finds you and sticks with you cuz she cares.

 

If what I describe doesn't interest you, then feel free to stay in the circle your in, chasing your own tail and let her just watch while she does everything else before leaving you for good.

 

I remember letting go my love. I told myself that if I really believe in love, then love will bring us back together somehow without doing anything. 2 years later, she's engaged and got married. I thought to myself that she was cheating, but she wasn't. But the root of our difference is... that we were different and she wanted to do things on her own without me. I'm sure that was just a cover up for cheating cuz I saw her go into a hotel with a guy friend. It was tough, very tough and to this day she still emails me now and then. But the experience alone was great, cuz now I get to pick and choose whomever I wanna be with.

[bar35]

What culture are you referencing?

 

Couple things here.

 

1. Parents meeting is a huge deal, much bigger than meeting the parents.

2. Whereas you blame her mother, I usually don't advocate allocating blame toward others for another individual's actions, but in this case I tend to agree with you, however not as directly as you are. Her actions are going to reflect how her mother raised her. That is never going to change. Are her parents together or divorced?

3. I have news for you, I doubt that you love her any more, because a fundamental component of love is trust. The trust is categorically gone, obliterated. That is why you cannot forgive her, and right now there is no need to. What you are more likely feeling is shame, used, discarded and disrespected in the most conspicuous way imaginable. These feelings will appear as "love" but what they really are is possessiveness at this point. It'll go nowhere now. Especially when you have quantifiable evidence as to who she is and what she is capable of.

4. Thank God you are moving away. I would hit the bricks as soon as possible.

5. Forget about forgiving her now. Forgive yourself first. Grow. Mourn your loss. Over time maybe you will see that she is living a script that you can never change, and guess what, it's a tragic story that will end badly.

6. Congratulations. You are like Neo in the Matrix, you can dodge bullets.

[boowant]

My ex cheatd on me and i could never get it out of my mind , he did it over and over , so i think that if you let her do this to you she will think its ok to do it again. Or mayb you should do the same thing and let her find out she will see how it feels, i have ALWAYS said what you do to me i do 5 time worse, but this is just my opion.

[niya]

You don't forgive a cheater. The reason is that they lack a certain pure feeling for you. It sure aint going to suddenly develop after they've done something like that to you. They may try to trip up their (and your) mind into thinking things can move forward with you two but that doesn't work. Real love isn't going to suddenly develop after this! They will default to cheating again and again. Don't let her use you like this. Take yourself out of this empty equation and move on!

[iBroken]

You dont forgive a cheater

 

Once a cheat, always a cheat......

[1guygirl]

when you take a cheater back, i think they loose respect for you there and then. I cant comment on devaluing you, because they already have by cheating...but if you just accept them back, they have missed the opportunityto learn consequences from their actions. By rejecting them, you are not only placing yourself up in their esteem (no matter how much they beg you not to go) but you are teaching them a valuable life lesson

[Cadence44]

It's long past time to break up with her once and for all. You have done all that you can to have a mutually loving and supportive relationship, and it just seems she's not capable of it. I agree that if she was raised with a materialistic and selfish mother, and your girlfriend is acting in ways quite similar to her mom, this is going nowhere.

 

You seem to put a lot of blame on her mother. I agree that her mom seems obnoxious, but your girlfriend is not some innocent victim here. I know it's easier for you to process the betrayal if you can scapegoat a person other than your girlfriend, but it's just not true. Even though her mother paid for the airline tickets, your girlfriend planned to cheat on you. As horrible as the "I was drunk and it happened" cheating stories are, this is a clear step up from that. She thought about it, scheduled a flight in advance, and cheated on you. She meant to do this to you.

 

I agree that you don't love her anymore. What you feel is more some sort of possessiveness resulting from being emotionally wounded. You want to fix this so that your wounded ego can heal, which is a natural reaction. I can tell you that even if she goes through the motions of fixing it, your poor ego will only last so long until she stomps on it again. You are letting her walk all over you and that is nothing close to love on either of your parts.

 

Drop her like a hot rock, spend some time healing and being single and when you're truly ready, start dating again. Try to look past outer beauty to find morality and inner beauty as well. You want to find the girl who will be happy with a sweet Valentine's day card from you, not someone you have to spend hundreds of dollars on to keep her interested.

[Staple]

I broke up my response in paragraphs so its easier to read. Sorry if its long, but I do appreciate the time you guys are putting into helping me out. Thanks for all the great advice guys and girls!

 

I think the issue here is that I'm moving within a month to D.C. for law school and for that reason I just didn't want to break it off with her. If I was staying here in Los Angeles, I know for a fact that it would have had to end sooner or later, but at this point I just feel satisfied letting it 'naturally' end =(.

 

I just wish I had it in my heart to forgive her. Honestly I think one of the things I find so difficult to forgive was how she humiliated me after I found out. I was completely and utterly blindsided. I didn't expect it, there weren't even any real warning signs. I mean, every couple argues and gets into fights, right? I just felt that despite the very few times we had our differences, we still could build a solid relationship out of it.

 

She really treated me terribly after I found out. I told her we should talk and try to work things out, but then had to travel to New York for an emergency involving my mom. While there, she called me up and would tell me how she doesn't want to be with me because she would feel guilty, and listed a thousand reasons (many of which were akin to, for example, "You didn't help me with my stuff when you dropped me home"--what she didn't mention is that I drove back and forth on an 80-mile trip through hell-traffic to pick her up and drop her off and I had to rush back home to make it to class or work) as to why she cheated on me.

 

She promised to pick me up from the airport when I got back, only to tell me she didn't want to be with me (yet again) and then getting a phone call from her mom who was also telling her to leave me. She then lied yet again, told me she was going to get some stuff from her apartment, but actually went out to call that guy.

 

There's a lot more that she did. To be honest if I wasn't so shocked and blindsided I probably would have been more prepared to deal with things rationally (AKA breaking up with her instead of basically begging).

 

Right now, she does seem to be different. She's very affectionate, tells me she loves me, and for once in her life she's actually getting me gifts. I mean, I was stupid enough to believe she didn't have enough money to get me a gift on our anniversary, but right now we seem to be at least getting along well.

 

I guess I'm wondering if trying to forgive her before I travel would be better. Would it make me feel better at least? And how can I forgive her without justifying the cheating?

[niya]

You seem to be in a state of shock.

 

To forgive someone doesn't justify what they've done, but it usually will include a loss of opportunity for them to be in that role again. You can tell her that you will possibly forgive her over time, it would happen without being forced. But at the same time your forgiveness does not mean you give her another chance. Those are two separate things. You can still forgive someone yet the relationship is over. That is her problem not yours. You will find someone much better for you in your new life.

[Staple]

I don't think our relationship has a chance of working. If she hadn't cheated, long-distance would have worked (I have the money to bring her in on flights here etc... and to visit her often), but with what she did, I want it to end when I leave.

[FootofGod]

I don't think our relationship has a chance of working. If she hadn't cheated, long-distance would have worked (I have the money to bring her in on flights here etc... and to visit her often), but with what she did, I want it to end when I leave.

 

Good call.

[Adorei]

I think the problem I have with this is that it seems like you're looking for an excuse to stay with her and using her mom as the reason that she cheated. Her mom isn't the one that hopped in the bed with guy. She was an accessory to the crime, at best. I know you've probably heard it ten million times before, but trust is the main thing in a relationship and I know if I were you, there is no way in the world I could ever trust someone that cheated.

[Staple]

You're right, and it sucks. I don't think I can ever forgive her. For the life of me I can't understand how you can have sex with someone else when you're in love with someone else. Okay, so it turns out she didn't love me.

 

But still, how hard would it have been for her to just break up with me instead of putting me through two years of misery? =( We started dating in February of 2008. She was already cheating by November of 2008 (not sexually, but at least talking to the guy which IMO is even worse!). Barely a few months in. She could have just broken up with me back then and it would have been hurtful but not nearly as much as this.

 

I just don't get what I did wrong anyways. To be honest I know I can't speak for myself from her perspective, but really I did all I could to treat her well. I took her out, bought her things she couldn't afford because I loved her, not for any other reason, and I always tell her how beautiful she is. She gets in a car accident, I run out of work to her to help her out. Financial problem, I help her sort out everything. Schoolwork, I helped her get her residency and financial aid. I just really feel like I put everything in me into this relationship.

 

On the other hand, I think my problem was not seeing the signs. She stopped telling me she loved me for months and when I would ask her she would get angry and tell me to stop asking, that "of course" she loves me. She stopped hugging me, stopped caring about events like Valentine's, it was so hurtful. And I kept wondering why. Of course it turns out she sent him a Valentine's card instead of me=(.

 

I just don't get what HE did for her. Besides talking to her on the phone, mainly about me, the guy didn't even buy her a flower, let alone take her on an actual date. And from what I understand, in the one week she was there with him, he brought her over to his sister's house multiple times and had sex with her, even when she didn't really want it.

 

I don't get how she can replace me with someone who disrespects her in front of his whole family like that...it just hurts so much to see someone treat her like that, and to see her accept someone doing that to her. Ah well. Good to come on here and let it all out.

[Adorei]

You'll probably never get the answers to your questions because there aren't any that would even come close to making sense. The one good thing is, if you go back and read everything you just said, you answered your own question. She doesn't want all those things you gave her. She wants what HE gave her (which I can't possibly imagine wanting that over what you gave, but *shrug*) It just isn't worth torturing yourself over and over and asking why. it is what it is and you don't want someone that can't appreciate what you have to give.

[FootofGod]

Forgive them by teaching them their lesson - let them know the feeling of loss and hurt that they have earned. Allow them the opportunity to reap what they sew and change accordingly if they choose. And go live your life.That's how you forgive them.

[Cadence44]

You're right, and it sucks. I don't think I can ever forgive her. For the life of me I can't understand how you can have sex with someone else when you're in love with someone else. Okay, so it turns out she didn't love me.

 

Or perhaps she loves drama, attention and for people to love her much more.

 

I just don't get what I did wrong anyways. To be honest I know I can't speak for myself from her perspective, but really I did all I could to treat her well. I took her out, bought her things she couldn't afford because I loved her, not for any other reason, and I always tell her how beautiful she is. She gets in a car accident, I run out of work to her to help her out. Financial problem, I help her sort out everything. Schoolwork, I helped her get her residency and financial aid. I just really feel like I put everything in me into this relationship.

 

I don't think you did much wrong other than letting someone take advantage of you. It seems like you were trying to fix things by doing things to show her how much you loved her as if that were the issue at the heart of the matter.

 

Of course it turns out she sent him a Valentine's card instead of me=(.

 

Please tell me that you're joking.

 

I just don't get what HE did for her. Besides talking to her on the phone, mainly about me, the guy didn't even buy her a flower, let alone take her on an actual date. And from what I understand, in the one week she was there with him, he brought her over to his sister's house multiple times and had sex with her, even when she didn't really want it.

 

Again, you write as if it's everyone's fault but hers. I think you have some idealized image in your mind of your sweet girl being corrupted by so many outside forces. Turns out that she's just not that sweet and you'll start feeling much better once you accept that.

 

You sound like a very romantic and caring guy and I can see how much you're hurting. For your sake, I wish you would get mad at her and break up with her instead of letting things gently fade away. I think that when you look back on this many months or years from now that you're going to be upset that you let her walk all over you and never stood up for yourself.

 

When you move and start a new life for yourself please get some counseling and start working through why you felt you didn't deserve more than this. I think you've also got to gain some understanding about why you chose this person as the one that you'd love. There had to be red flags at the beginning and you don't want to make the mistake of choosing someone like her again. Since you've been struggling with this for so long, you may have conditioned yourself to feel that those extreme lows (and the highs when you come out of them) are associated with true love, when really they're just part of dysfunction.

[Squiggy]

Wow staples, i was in the exact same relationship. Her parents loved me, i helped her with her schoolwork, i lend her money so she can go to school, brought her flowers, got her lingerie, i even friggin learnt how to write a poem for frig sakes.

 

But i'm glad i was strong enough to let her go. I remember too, few months she was with the new guy, she came over to my place and had me on the bottom, she was on top wearing just her underwear. Then at around 2am, she gets a page from her boyfriend who was downstairs ready to pick her up. She told her boyfriend, now her husband, that she was with her "friends" house. Geez that was a real eye opener, i mean i knew deep down she cheated but hell, if a girlfriend was with another guy on his bed, with just her thong on... i don't care if there was no sex but that's pretty close enough. Kinda felt sad for her bf (husband now) that he's stuck with a sure winner....

 

Well that's my story, you'll get over her i'm sure and find a new one.... guaranteed!!

 

oh yeah, her cousin was the one who "hooked" her up with the new guy, her cousin hated me. maybe i was too nice with the gf or something... who knows

[jinxremoving]

The question is really more of a "can you?" rather than a "how do you?". I know I couldn't...

[jahur]

well i couldnt, full stop, cheating is cheating on all levels, would you lend someone more money once they had ripped you off for kkk's??? no, didnt think so. this may sound matter of fact to but its how ive been fashioned in matters like this.

 

cheating just destroys and how could you forgive? how much you love them to me doesnt come into it, its dignity and self.

 

being so absolute on the matter, helps disperse the hurt from within (ive done it, and got a taste of my own medicine) just going back is likened to throwing yourself into the bear pit again.

some people get complacent and go back to how they were. no trust!

 

i am a hypocrite no two ways about it. i had cheated in the past on a big level and lost through it, i grew up cleaned my act up and never did it again, but, a big but, i never insulted my ex by trying to get back with her.

 

if my major discretions can nudge a thought in someone elses mind for them not to cheat then i will glady speak to them.