my boyfriend has a daughter with his ex

[inlove32]

Okay, so I'm going to try to make this short because I'm new to this site and I've been reading some of these posts and I don't know about you, but I hate reading the ones that are extremely long, so here goes. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now and are crazy about each other. About 2 months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me and made up some reasons as to why he was doing it. A couple weeks after that, he told me the real reason. He had moved to florida from new york a little while before I met him. He told me that he just found out that his ex-girlfriend in new york had a daughter and that he was the father. When he moved to florida, he changed his number so she was unable to contact him. However, a couple months ago, he contacted her to check up on her and make sure everything was going well and that's when she told him that he was a father. His daughter is about a year and a half now and since the daughter was born in new york, my boyfriend couldn't make them come down here. So, his ex said that the only way she would leave her career and life in new york is if he was willing to try to make it work with them. My boyfriend told me that he doesn't believe in second chances and that since it didn't work out with them the first time around, that he wouldn't try again. He has no interest in getting back with her but he was put in a bad situation because he wanted to spend time with his daughter. I brought up that maybe he could spend the summers with her and she could go back up to new york and spend the school year with her mother. However, my boyfriend didn't like that idea at all, he said he wanted to spend as much time with her as he could, especially since he missed the first year of her life. He wanted to be in her life completely and said that he shouldn't have to do it any other way. So he told his ex that he would try to make it work with them so she and his daughter would move to florida. So they did, and since his ex had no money and no job in florida, my boyfriend allowed them to stay with him in his apartment. My boyfriend has told me many times that he doesn't know how I put up with the fact that he lives with his ex and that he has a daughter and I tell him that I love him and that he puts up with all my * * * * , so it's only fair that I would put up with his. And even though he's partially at fault I guess for the situation, she was on birth control at the time and forgot to take her pills one day, and ended up pregnant. It is what it is. So my boyfriend told me before they moved in with him that he thought we should break up considering the circumstances. He said that she was going to try to get back with him, and even though he has no interest in her, he didn't want anything to happen with them and for me to end up hurt. Well that's exactly what happened. Since they're now living together, even though they sleep in separate rooms, I figured something might happen. My boyfriend tells me how she walks around the house naked, trying to get his attention. So, he finally gave her what she wanted. He had sex with her because he was tired of her complaining and new that if she wasn't satisfied, she could just go back to new york and he would never see his daughter. I don't really consider it cheating because we kind of weren't together at the time, I don't know, it's complicated. He says that he doesn't have time to deal with a relationship now and his ex can never find out, but we act like it anyway, so call it what you want, but we still consider ourselves in a relationship. So anyway, I was upset of course, and he told me that maybe he should just not tell me if they have sex because he doesn't want to hurt me. And although I don't want him keeping things from me, he's right, it upsets me a lot, so it might be best that he just not tell me. I really don't know what to do, it's just a bad situation. The sad part is that I was planning on moving in with him soon, but that obviously can't happen now. He only told her he would try, so I'm hoping after about a year, maybe less, when she finds a good job and can get her own place, that he can tell her that it's not working out with them and she can get her own apartment in florida. My boyfriend said that he doesn't care if he doesn't live with his daughter, just as long as she's in the same state so he can see her whenever he wants. And I understand that completely, I love that he wants to be there for his daughter, especially since I know that his father left him when he was born and I guess that's his motivation for wanting to be in his daughter's life so much. It's just a very complicated situation and I hope it solves itself out. I know I said I would keep this short, but once I started typing, I was just venting and getting everything out and this ended up being a lot longer than I expected, sorry. But thank you if you read this, and please leave me feedback, either if you have been/are in a similar situation or if you have advice to give or just something to say.

[mera]

ugh that sounds like it must be very hard to go through and i applaud you for being so strong. you must really love him. however, i see that the ex wants to get back with him oh so bad and after a year and a half she decides to tell him about his daughter? sounds kind of fishy to me. has he gotton a paternity test just to make sure? i think that would be best because girls like to trapp guys with babies. to be honest i know how much u love him because i think i would stick with my bf too if i was in your situation but, the fact that he had sex with her regardless if u guys were together or not would have turned me off big time. i understand he cares for his daughter which is awesome but what does that have to do with having sex with her u know. what if he makes a mistake and have another baby with this chic. they you guys will have major problems. again its kind of hard to actually decide what to do since you in love with him but for me, i would just be his friend but keep my communication with him limited because its just fishy how he "has sex with her because he doesnt want his daughter to leave" he could go to court and get full custody since he is the one with the job and taking care of himself and her as well. best of luck. i know how u feel. i believe i would do the same for my bf so i know it must be difficult *sorry for the long respone hoped i helped a little

[Nkaleidoscopic]

It will never work now. You should take a long break from this situation.

[stay_positive]

You must really love him. But I don't think it's acceptable for him to sleep with her just to give her what she wants, he should be stronger than that and pretty much say f*** her. She needs to find a job and stop mooching off of him. He should get custody. I know you love him, but make sure he does love you back. I think it's great he wants to be a part of his daughter's life, but he needs to make time for you too, it's not impossible. Wish you the best of luck

[iBroken]

Uh ya

 

I hate to break it to you, but there is clearly something going on between him and his ex. I really think at this point, he is just playing you.

 

I would leave this man. Dont settle for being his second best.

[inlove32]

You must really love him. But I don't think it's acceptable for him to sleep with her just to give her what she wants, he should be stronger than that and pretty much say f*** her. She needs to find a job and stop mooching off of him. He should get custody. I know you love him, but make sure he does love you back. I think it's great he wants to be a part of his daughter's life, but he needs to make time for you too, it's not impossible. Wish you the best of luck

 

I loved your response and I completely agree

[FreedomRing]

How old are both you and him??

[inlove32]

How old are both you and him??

 

I'm 18 & he's 21

[FreedomRing]

Honey,

 

WAYYYYY too much drama for an 18 yr old(even at his age too!). Do yourself the biggest favor and let this guy go...I doubt he was really yours to begin with. Think about it - he let another woman MOVE in with him and he SLEPT with her. I'm sure you can do better then this guy!

[inlove32]

Honey,

 

WAYYYYY too much drama for an 18 yr old(even at his age too!). Do yourself the biggest favor and let this guy go...I doubt he was really yours to begin with. Think about it - he let another woman MOVE in with him and he SLEPT with her. I'm sure you can do better then this guy!

 

"I doubt he was really yours to begin with" --believe me, that's not the case, but thanks for the advice