Wearing my scars

[MaverickHuntrX]

Well, I finally got pushed over my limit, and I ended up taking a blade to my upper arms. I know it seems stupid, but I've identified portions of where my scars have come from. Past relationships mostly...failed relationships, one scar for each failed love.

 

My upper arms are already scarred from something that happened in my childhood, so that's no surprise. But at the same time, it also gave me a little bit of release...a way to manifest that emotional pain into a physical form.

 

It gives me that measure of release, but at the same time I have people telling me that I need to get checked into some place. I'm currently on 20mg of Paroxetine for clinical depression (you might know it as Paxil) and I have a follow up appointment to see if I need to either up my doseage or change what medicine I'm on (the appointment is Friday...that's the soonest I can see the doctor who prescribed me the medicine.)

 

You all can respond to this or ignore it...either way I needed to get this out there.

[Ebrithil]

Diffrent people cut for diffrent reasons, I used to in my past but somthing that really helped me stop believe it or not was a punching bag.

I used to cut becuase I couldnt deal with emotions when I felt that I couldnt deal with somthing I cut myself as a form of controle, as a physical manifestation to focus an emotion I couldnt convey ect.

When I got a punch bag I found that I was able to get out all of these frustrations that I couldnt express and at the same time I was physicaly conditioning my body improving my health ect. Prehaps you should focus your emotions into somthing thats more productive rather than destructive in your life.

[MaverickHuntrX]

There's the rub: I've tried to manifest this in other ways...writing, punching bags, video games, yet somehow I still managed to get pushed to that limit.

[cutedisaster-x]

I know what that's like.

People have told me that writing helps, that screaming helps, that so many things could get my mind off it and to stay away from cutting.

But in the end nothing compares and I get this deeper urge to cut. I'm currently trying to stop but I always end up going back to it. I believe I should have been put on anti-depressants a long time ago, but never actually got the courage to get help so for now I'm trying to deal myself.

 

There's always a reason to why people cut, a deeper meaning. People always say "They're just looking for attention" but I know it's not like that, it's like you're trying to get away from the emotional pain in any way that you can. I hope if you change your medication it helps, no one should have to cut, but unfortunately it does happen, but I hope you don't anymore and get better with the medication !!

[MaverickHuntrX]

Update: I've been put on a stronger dose of the Paxil (doubled up to 40mg) and now I also have Trazadone (50mg)...so far it seems to help a little, but given life stresses (work wants to get rid of me for taking the leave, nevermind the fact that my doctor nearly wanted to have me check into a psych ward) I've had a couple of days where I've cut.

 

I'm trying a little something additional as well- going to try and rebuild my collection of PS1 games. I know it may not be healthy, but it's better than nothing, am I right?

(Side note on that one: I just got my hands on a copy of Mortal Kombat Mythologies- Sub-Zero.)

 

I'll try to keep you all updated as I can. Right now my laptop's in the shop, and I'm having to use a public computer. I got my hands on a netbook, so hopefully that should be here soon.