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This is me.


doityourself

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I have decided on my path of self approvements that I would start journaling again.

 

I guess I should start from the beginning, I was born in a southern town of Florida, premature weighing in at 3lbs and 6 ounces. My mom says she went into labor because my father was beating her. I had to stay in the hospital for months. There have been many of times when Ive wished that I never would have made it.

 

Now I cant remember much, my therapist once said I block it out as a self protecting mechanism.

 

My first memories would be around when I was 4. My memories are in like flashback pictures. I remember my mom shooting up with a needle. I remember the room smelling like gas. I remember sitting in a rocking chair with my step grandfather and he touching me. I remember running around my Meemaws backyard with the sun shining and it being so hot playing in the water hose with a bucket. My sister says that my father use to put me and her in the corner while he beat my mom so we could watch. I remember him being a giant, so tall and mean. That was 4, I dont remember any hugs or kisses or nice words.

 

My next memories would be around 7-8, I remember going to stay at my fathers house. I remember they were huffing paint thinner then. That smell makes me want to throw up every time im around it now. I remember being at my fathers trying to get out of his bed and him pulling me back up and then I remember feeling suffocated. I remember him letting us drive his truck on his lap. I remember going to the beach and him taking my sister in his van. I remember him punching me in the stomach because I wouldnt smoke pot with him.

 

10 is when I start really having memories with not so many gaps in there. I remember my father telling me that I wasnt his daughter, remember going and having test done for paternity. I remember alot of drug use and my mother getting beat. I remember moving all the time, whenever they would fight we would pick up and go, until the next time.

 

Just to sum it up, my childhood involved everything you can imagine. I feel like sometimes people dont believe me when i talk about it, or theyre saying you should write a book.

 

There are so many memories of bad, things that I can but when I look back I cant remember any good. I dont remember any smiles or laughs.

 

Okay thats enough for now.

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Sonic,

 

I truly believe in what goes around comes around, my father is serving life in prison for murder. I havent seen him in over 12 years. Happened on July Friday 13, 1990. Doesnt that just sum it all up.

 

I did write him a letter letting him know that I remember what happened and that he deserve all the mental suffering that comes to him. One day I believe that he will go to hell. There cant be forgiveness for the life that he lived!!

 

Thanks for asking, its nice to know I have people in my corner.

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Woke up not wanting to come to work, it took alot of arguing with myself to get me here. Yesterday was okay, I went to the park with my younger one and threw the ball around.

 

I feel that I need to put the fake on because I dont want to show how I really feel which is used up. I feel that theres just nothing left to give out.

 

Day 5 of taking my meds, which is farther than Ive made it in the last 6 years. I forget how to act, what my personality is like. I really forgot what I like to do. My H is trying to get me to run and be more active. Dont think thats going to happen anytime soon.

 

I did promise him that I would go ride his new-used motorcycle this weekend. Its a 650 (starter) and Im kinda scared of the weight, but were going to go to the park and ride around parking lots until I get use to it. Maybe this will be something we can do together. Who knows, I might enjoy it. I did grow up around 4wheelers, go carts and bikes, the neighborhood boys always had everything. On that note..

 

I want to say that my childhood did have some good days, my Meemaw would take care of us, she would make us clothes, feed us, we lived with her off and on my whole life. I can remember sitting on her lap and her reading me books, and she loved HeHaw (I know). Shes gone now, I think my family used her up until there was nothing left. I miss her. We grew up really poor but when I was with my grandmother, I felt safe.

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okay, well I actually feel kinda good today, only snoozed 4 times before getting out of bed, but I got up and came to work.

 

I feel such pain from people on this site, it makes me so sad, I just want to reach out and hug then, let them know its gonna be okay.

 

One more day and the weekend is here.

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Whats up with this site today, keeps kicking me off and making me log back in.

 

Well its friday with a busy weekend ahead of us. Hope my energy can keep up. Still taking my meds, it def has made me relax alot.

 

Im trying to keep postive thoughts today, Im going to go hang out in the sun to feel the warmth on my skin. Wish I could be by a beach, but I guess Ill take what I get.

 

My son actually said he didnt want any company over, that all he wanted to do was play his video game by himself. Thats funny, we are never without an extra kid. I have been trying to have more conversations with him and finding it hard to have things to talk about. I never grew up around boys so im learning as I go.

 

My H gave me a hug yesterday that I felt deep down. Its been a while since Ive been able to feel the love radiate off of him. Maybe my fog is starting to clear away. Now if I could only stop smoking I would be really proud of myself.

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Well Sonic,

 

I wrote you a long thanks for that post and then got kicked off. I just want you to know I appreciate what you say. I went through a horrible time when that happened, lost alot of friends that probably wasnt friends to begin with but it still hurt.

 

I know your not supose to feel this way, its negative. But I hope he lives a horrible life in prison, and then I hope he goes to hell for the things that he did to this us.

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Here I am today, still on my meds, yay. I do feel a differance, I feel like I can control Most of my anger, not blowing up anymore, which is awesome. Im still getting the anxiety though, I can just be sitting there and I start trembling and get all tense. Not sure if its the meds or my anxiety thats doing that.

 

Was a long stressful weekend. My 11 year old has strep throat and was sick all weekend. I feel so bad for him. Now just waiting to see whos next.

 

We went to the birthday party, swam, ate, was okay none of his family really talks to me though. I never really paid attention to that. I have nothing in common with any of them except my H. Not that their bad people, they just live a differant life than I know, they have money, huge family that gets together and they kiss when you get there and leave, which kinda freaks me out. (stay out of my bubble) You would think I would get use to it but I dont and find myself hanging back so they dont touch me.

 

Went for a motorcycle ride, dropped in going around a turn, wasnt going fast, but its def to heavy for me. Hell I only weigh 115, no way I can hold or lift 500lbs up. But I will try again, I didnt hurt it or anything, scared my H though. I gotta learn to slow down, little heavy on the speed.

 

So heres to another day. Hope it goes fast.

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  • 1 month later...

wow so I guess its been that long since Ive posted here, what can I say Im still taking my meds, which I had the dosage uped. Im getting stomach pains, maybe I need to eat more with them. I can tell you they are helping tons, even when I feel depressed Im not having thoughts of killing myself. Nor do I actually hate life, its more of of this is what it is kind of thing.

 

So is that better, Im not sure... on one hand Im not thinking of ways to kill myself but then again Im kinda just settled. Still having some anxiety, not sure that will ever go away and I cant figure out how to control the little attacks that just come out of nowhere.

 

Me and my H went on our vacation to Puerto Rico, spent well was supose to be 6 days and 5 nights, ended up adding a day because of plane delays without the boys. It was so much fun and relaxing. We walked and talked, made out like teenagers and got a little tipsy in the hottub. I want to go back, heck I want to go anywhere and do it all over again.

 

So the kids are back in school and football season has begun, which kind of takes our routine and throws it out the window. I just love driving my kids everywhere, volunteering at concession stands, washing practice clothes every night, making sure there is ice for water bottles, the list goes on and on and thats just for football. I just love my boys, I hope and pray that they become respectful hardworking men.

 

So this is life, this is what it is. For now, for today Im satisfied and happy.

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Oh lately I have been so bored, nothing is any interest to me. Ive been lazy feeling, dont want to do anything, have to fight to get out of bed. Dont know why nothing has happened lately for me to feel this way, I just feel blah.

 

Hopefully tomorrow I wont have to fight to crawl out of bed. Tomorrow I will force myself to get out and be active with my boys, I will run around with them at the park and laugh and smile.

 

Im telling myself I havent done anything to tired over, its all in my head. I dont want a nap (even though I can never fall asleep). I will drink plenty of water and eat atleast 3 times tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

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Wow, cant believe August is over, Here comes September which means we are just one more month closer to being able to bid and purchase a house, now that the time is coming of course theres really nothing out there we like.

 

Man oh Man if we have to stay in this apartment for another year, I will throw a huge tantrum heard all around the world.

 

I want my own yard

I want my own driveway

I want more than one bathroom

I want a place for my kids to play

I want a office for my H

I want a kitchen bigger than a walk in closet

I want to be able to unpack my stuff thats been in boxes for years

I want to be able to paint and hang pictures on the walls

I want a place that is nobody but ours

 

I know Im being selfish today. Its been years since we been trying to get a house, and it seems like its never going to happen. First it took us years to sell our condo, then we had to sign a year lease because the house we tried to buy fell through, now that we are almost at the end of our lease theres no houses that we like.

 

PLEASE GIVE US A BREAK, CAN WE PLEASE GET A BREAK, WHY DO THINGS HAVE TO BE SO MUCH WORK, CANT SOMETHING JUST BE EASY FOR ONCE.

 

So now that I got that out, I feel better, atleast until I get home to our small apartment and see my neighbors looking in my windows when they walk by.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was wondering why I couldnt get online today. Everything looks so blue, and I cant see my posts. Why do things have to change when they are working so good. This site feels like its being geared toward a more social site than what I came on for. Thats depressing to me. I hope things dont change to much.

 

Sitting here after a cloudy and rainy day of football. Actually took a nap today which hasnt happened in over a year, kinda woke up with a headache though. So feeling kinda blah right now.

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