So my ex showed up @ my house this morning

[Daveyjones]

This morning, as I was getting ready to start the first day of my new job, I hear a knock on my door. I open it up and to my surprise I see my ex gf standing there! We have been broken up for almost 3 months now and have been in NC for 3 weeks.

 

She claimed that she wanted to see our cat and that she missed him so much. She started crying and asked if she could take him with her for the week. I said no.

 

She then told me about how her dad had shut her cell phone off. (Shes 25 and does not have her own cell phone plan?) And that she has been trying to contact me but had no clue how to get a hold of me since I had blocked her on FB and now she has no phone. I think she is just trying to use me for something. Either that or her rebound failed and is now trying to crawl back into my life after I finally have started to pull my self back together again.

 

Anyways I told her that I had to go to work and that she could come back later to finish out conversation about the cat and some of her stuff she wants back. I have to unblock her on FB to contact her about when she can comeback over since I cant call her on the phone. She made sure to give me a big hug before she left as well.

 

The question is, should I contact her today? Or should I "forget" and do it sometime later on this week? The ball is now in my court since she was the one to contact me first. I always knew I would get an e-mail or something from her, but never thought she would actually show up in person!!

 

Kinda made me realize how much of a mess she is and that even though I miss her, I don't miss the drama that seems to follow her around where ever she goes. (She apparently has been fired from 3 call center jobs since she has left me) Looks like the saying that they come back when you least expect it is true.

 

I'm just gonna play it cool for now. Things are starting to get interesting. :splat:

[Gullible]

Just don't even let it be interesting. She's crying for herself, you don't need to feel sorry for her too. You're about 1 conversation away from ruining all the progress you made the past 3 weeks.

 

You're not going to play it cool, because you think about her all day and she doesn't think about you all day. She was with some other guy while you were sitting at home obsessing over her. She's poison, don't even open the door next time she comes over.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Do you want to continue to see her on a regular basis? If yes, contact her and work something out with the cat. If no, there should be no discussion if the cat is yours. In either case, send her back her belongings but if you want to heal and move on without her, stick to no contact and just drop the stuff off at her house.

[FootofGod]

I'm sorry, but what is it with cats? I'm serious there's a trend here. Now my ex texted me "just" this morning asking me how I'm doing and saying I can bring the cat down to CR to stay if I want or keep him, even though she loves him.

 

Woman, I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE DAMN CAT. I know I took care of it most of the time, I know we both love it, and I know it's technically yours, but it's just so blazingly unimportant right now!

 

Yeah, at least she didn't show up at my doorstep. And I think seeing her in that position would make me less prone to want her back, too. What about our wounds - the dumpees? How are they supposed to help us heal if they're a wreck and it's all their damn doing?

[Cadence44]

The ball is not in your court. It's still in hers. This is not a normal interaction because she's the one that broke up with you and started seeing someone else.

 

Don't jump in headfirst at this first contact and start initiating plans and conversations, because it seems she's just feeling sorry for herself. Recognize it for what it is - her turning to you (and the cat) for comfort.

[Ms Darcy]

Just don't even let it be interesting. She's crying for herself, you don't need to feel sorry for her too. You're about 1 conversation away from ruining all the progress you made the past 3 weeks.

 

You're not going to play it cool, because you think about her all day and she doesn't think about you all day. She was with some other guy while you were sitting at home obsessing over her. She's poison, don't even open the door next time she comes over.

 

I agree with this completely. You are not in a space to contact her. You are clearly not moved on.

[Daveyjones]

Good call guys. What do I do if she just shows up again though? Should I leave the house for the evening in case she decides to drop by? I had no clue she was going to show up this morning and would not be surprised if she came by unannounced again tonight since I made the mistake of telling her we could finish the conversation after I get out of work.

 

I asked her what she was doing in this area this morning and she said she had an "appointment." She didn't say what kind of appointment though and she said that she has another one in this area this afternoon. I am getting a little suspicious here. I doubt there was any kind of appointment going on. Her doctor/ dentist/ hair dresser is not located anywhere close to where I live.

[Cadence44]

First of all, does she have keys? If so, change the locks.

 

If she's there later on, just calmly tell her that you've thought about it and you don't think that the two of you should be in contact. Remind her that the relationship is over by her hand and that your focus is now on moving on from her, therefore it is not cool for her to show up at your home (and especially not cool for her to keep showing up unannounced). Depending on how rational she is, that should do it.

 

If she doesn't take it well and keeps showing up, then you take it further and kindly remind her of the definition of trespassing.

[bish0p2004]

Awesome post, Gullible!

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

First of all, does she have keys? If so, change the locks.

 

If she's there later on, just calmly tell her that you've thought about it and you don't think that the two of you should be in contact. Remind her that the relationship is over by her hand and that your focus is now on moving on from her, therefore it is not cool for her to show up at your home (and especially not cool for her to keep showing up unannounced). Depending on how rational she is, that should do it.

 

If she doesn't take it well and keeps showing up, then you take it further and kindly remind her of the definition of trespassing.

 

Yep, this is it. You have the ultimate control of your future with NC. If she becomes a hassle even after rational talk, you can always threaten her with a restraining order.

 

Take care of you.

[Thorns37]

What I'd like to know is why can't you share the cat and not keep it away from her?

 

I'd hate it if I couldn't see my furry friend.

 

And for contacting, I really think she just wants to see the cat, not you. Sorry.

[Gullible]

There was no appointment, she didn't miss the cat, and her cell phone isn't cut off. You know you can't trust her, so always assume she is lying.

 

Other predictable lies she might tell: I miss you, I love you, I need you, you're special to me, I'm sorry, things will be different, I want to make it work.

 

You are addicted to her in a bad way. Just like an alcoholic can't have only one drink and stop, you can't see her one time and then stop. She came to your house after 3 weeks of NC and you're right back where you started.

 

So if she says she misses you or wants you back, ask her what's the difference between you and the last guy. She will say all kinds of sweet things about you that she's never felt about anyone else, and how you treat her so good. But she won't be able to tell you what SHE does for YOU that she didn't do for the other guy. You are good for her but she is bad for you. Can you even tell us what you miss about her? My guess is that she didn't go out of her way to do anything in particular for you.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Ya, the cat is a likely story. I highly doubt it is the cat that is causing her turmoil, I believe his hypothesis that her rebound is tanking and she is crawling back.

[Thorns37]

Well, I'd go the distance for my cat. Why shouldn't she?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Well, I'd go the distance for my cat. Why shouldn't she?

 

If she actually cared about the cat, she would have made a plan to see it (custody, if you will) immediately after the breakup, not wait 3 whole months to have a breakdown about it.

[Daveyjones]

No she does not have keys to the apartment anymore.

 

She can see the cat if she wants to, but she has to come here to see him. The cat does not like to go to new places or ride in a car. He cried for a week when we first moved into this apartment. Plus, I feel like if she takes the cat, I will never get him back and I just don't want to deal with that drama. AND she has no cell phone anymore so how do I contact her on getting the cat back?

 

No, she can not take the cat for a week. She should have thought of that before she stormed out of here and left me with all the bills 3 months ago.

 

Maybe NC is going to turn into LC. We will see. But I am definitely not in any hurry to get back to her about it.

 

If she wants to see me and the cat, or maybe just the cat, she knows how to get a hold of me.

 

Looks like karma if finally catching up with her.

 

Oh and about the stuff she wants? I asked her in the beginning of the break up if she wanted anything else from the apt. after she packed her things and she said no. So what gives? I think its all an excuse to keep tabs on me since she probably expected me to keep contacting her. Once I went NC, I think she got a little curious about what I have been up to. Looks like I am doing better than she is judging by the meeting we had this morning.

 

I do hope the best for her though and hope that she can figure her life out.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I think your instincts are best, Davey. Best of luck to you.

[Cadence44]

By the looks of that last post, you've got a good handle on things. Good luck, Davey.

[Daveyjones]

You are addicted to her in a bad way. Just like an alcoholic can't have only one drink and stop, you can't see her one time and then stop. She came to your house after 3 weeks of NC and you're right back where you started. QUOTE]

 

Not quite. Yes, maybe a few weeks ago that would have been the case, but after seeing her this morning, it kind of makes me laugh. I am actually the one who should feel bad for her, not the other way around. I could easily stay on NC. Now, I am not saying that I don't miss her, I do, but I am starting to see things so much clearer now.

 

If she wants to get back with me, she knows what to do.

 

At the same time, since I do care about her. (In a friendly way) I do kind of feel bad about avoiding her since I told her I would get back to her about finishing our conversation. The last thing I want is for her to think that I am playing games with her, because I am not. I just don't want to deal with any drama right now as I am getting my life back together. She clearly needs to start working on her life as well.

 

It does feel good though to have her be the one to break NC. I think that was just what I needed to finally get over this. But, like Gullible said, I can't trust her right now, so who really knows what her motives are at this point.

[Puckdog27]

Good call guys. What do I do if she just shows up again though? Should I leave the house for the evening in case she decides to drop by? I had no clue she was going to show up this morning and would not be surprised if she came by unannounced again tonight since I made the mistake of telling her we could finish the conversation after I get out of work.

 

I asked her what she was doing in this area this morning and she said she had an "appointment." She didn't say what kind of appointment though and she said that she has another one in this area this afternoon. I am getting a little suspicious here. I doubt there was any kind of appointment going on. Her doctor/ dentist/ hair dresser is not located anywhere close to where I live.

 

That was an excuse, because she couldnt say "Im here to see you" because she isnt there to see you, shes there to see how it effects you....

 

No dont leave your house, you cant live like a prisoner in your own home, or hide away from it either. If she shows up ask her straight out what exactly it is that she wants. If she says she wants to see the cat, tell her when she dumped you, she dumped the cat too, and neither of you are interested in seeing her. If she says she wants to be friends, tell her you have plenty including said cat.

 

If she says she wants you, keep in mind that she seems to be at rock bottom....... you asked who doesnt have their own cell plan at 25...someone who gets fired 3 times in 3 months......shes clutching for straws right now

[Gullible]

I hope you do better than I did last time. My ex texted that she was coming over, I texted her back that she shouldn't, that I wasn't home anyway. I hid the car in the garage and turned out all the lights in the house. I was about to go to sleep so I thought it would be easy to ignore her even if she started knocking on the door.

 

But when she arrived in her car, I peeked out my front window. She thought I wasn't home, her car window was down, and I could hear her talking on her phone ABOUT ME. My perfect chance to find out what she really says about me behind my back, so I can throw her lies in her face!

 

But she rolled up her window, so I snuck around back and approached her car to get a better listen, and she talked about me for 5 minutes until she noticed me eavesdropping. Then I argued with her until I was tired of arguing and she spent the night.

 

The lesson I learned is that it doesn't matter what she thinks, does, or says. She talks to people all day long, it should make no difference if I had a chance to listen to that particular conversation. I shouldn't have cared. And she mostly said good things about me anyway, other than blaming me for dumping her when clearly I had no other reasonable option. So I didn't even get any good info from eavesdropping.

[Daveyjones]

Hahaha, I don't mean to laugh, but that story was kind of funny. So what happened after she spent the night?

 

Anyways, I un blocked her on Facebook, so if she ever has to get a hold of me, she can do it on FB instead of showing up at my place for a surprise visit again.

 

One sign that I noticed that she may not be with her rebound as much as I thought was that it still says "single" on her profile and she changed her profile picture from a pic of her and the rebound to just a pic of her and another girl. Dont know if that means anything really, but that combined with her breaking NC to come see me this morning, kind of tells me that something might have changed in the past few weeks.

 

Only time will tell.

[Gullible]

Of course it's funny, it was ridiculous. It lasted 6 days that time before I got tired of her same old routine, lies and half-truths, and the fact that there was not much good or healthy about the relationship. She came over and I told her she had to leave.

 

Every time, it was me who broke up with her. And every time, she was the one who came begging me back. After she had gone off and slept with other people. Your situation might seem different if she's the one who broke up with you, but you're the one who really ended the relationship when you went NC.

[Daveyjones]

ok, an update. about 20 min after I un blocked her on facebook, she sends me a message saying, "when can we talk about things?"

 

Im not sure what it means. Its probably about when can she see the cat or try to grab one of the couches she left behind.

 

Im not sure how to respond. Or when.

[Puckdog27]

Why does everyone feel there is a required amount of time that needs to past before your allowed to respond??? You have the upper hand here....just simply write "what exactly is it you would like to talk about?"

 

Pretty simple and effective to getting tp the point, leaves no room for all this wondering your doing