Support, communication and jobs

[sci]

Need to vent, and get a sanity check. Don't need sympathy, although perspective would be useful.

 

Background: I've been somewhat unhappy with my job for a while. Two weeks ago I got an offer for another job accross the country -- a job I'm pretty ambivalent about (let's call it Job A). It would be a change but probably not an overall improvement over my current job -- maybe a little better, maybe significantly worse. But my wife hates the climate where we live (a city she requested we move to 4 years ago), and Job A pays for relocation to City A, which has a more temperate climate (albeit with its own problems). So my wife has decided she really wants to move, and has been advocation heavily for accepting the job. She's technically a stay-at-home mom but actually spends most of her time pursing a small business she started a few years ago and which has been very successful (albeit not turning a significant profit yet); I've supported that both by actually helping out and by doing more housework and spending time with kids than she does, at the price of not having time to pursue my own dreams. Her business can easily operate from either location. I finally agreed to take the new job, though I haven't formally accepted yet as I'm waiting to hear back about a certain aspect of the offer first.

 

She knows all of my feelings on those matters, and last week I sat down and shared just how much stress I'm under with life in general, my job, and this decision, and how I'm at a bit of a crisis point, starting to sink into depression and anxiety (her response: "well, things will be better in City A!"). Let's set that all aside as background for now -- what I really want to talk about is something that happened last Friday.

 

Before accepting the job, a recruiter from company in a third location called me. I'm not a huge fan of the location and my wife actively dislikes it (because of traffic, real estate prices and a tendency towards earthquakes). End of the day after receiving that call:

 

Wife

: Any news on Job A today?

Me

: No -- but I actually got a call from another recruiter for a rather cool-sounding job. It's a really exciting, innovative project; great for my career, a leadership position; and a much smaller company where I could really make an impact. The only problem is, it's in City B.

Wife

: I don't want to live in City B.

Me

: I know; I told him I'd have to talk to you and would call him back after the weekend. I'm pretty ambivalent about City B too, but the job -- they're doing some really interesting stuff. It sounds like everything Job A isn't. I mean, they're working on some great technology, and it's exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.

Wife

: They have earthquakes. I'm not moving there. So no news on Job A?

 

That was it. She didn't ask what the company was called or what they did; she didn't suggest I pursue it to find out more; she certainly didn't say "it sounds like this is really something you're excited about; let's talk about it and see if we can find a way to make it work". Just "I don't want to live there", case closed.

 

I feel like I don't have anybody in my corner. How unreasonable am I being (regarding this conversation in particular, as it provides a nice isolated example)? I'd never make her move to a city she doesn't want to live in -- but I'd make some pretty big sacrifices in my life in order to help *her* find happiness without even thinking about it (hell, I have already), and not being given at least a fraction of the same consideration in return makes me feel like the whole thing is pointless.

[spinstermanquee]

Sounds like you've been expressing your support for her needs by taking on more responsibility around the home and even considering job A. She can express support for you by at least considering job B and finding out more about the big picture in all three locations (current, A, and B). Maybe you could brainstorm together and come up with a list of pros and cons for each location. At least that would open up a dialogue that would flesh out important aspects for both of you, not to mention bring to light things that can cement your couplehood in the future.

 

It would be unhealthy to keep your resentment of her hasty dismissal (of job B as an option) to yourself. You surely can find a positive way to bring it up. Even if you ultimately will reject the opportunity, you can feel solidarity with her if it is a joint decision rather than a unilateral one. She needs to realize how she's behaving here... and add another being's needs into the equation... like yours

 

Additionally, job satisfaction, opportunity for advancement down the road, quality of schools, child care, proximity to extended family, likelihood of having to move again soon after, etc... so much to consider! Snap decisions won't help anyone, most especially the kids

[lavenderdove]

I think when it comes for looking for work, you first have to make a list of cities that that have a decent job market for whatever your career is. Then pick a city from that list that you would most like to live in (both of you are comfortable with). Then look for work in that city.

 

If either of you is really unhappy with the city you are living in, neither of you will be happy, and it will put stress of your marriage. So you need to pick a city you'll be happy in, then move when you get a job there. Once there, you can always look for a better job in your chosen city.

 

I don't think the whole thing is pointless for you, i just think you have to carefully select the order in which you look for things... city first, then a good job in that city. No matter how good a job is, if the city is terrible or you're unhappy living in that city, then the job won't be worth it.

 

You might take the job A that gets you to the city your wife will be happy in, but then start looking for a better job there if you don't like the one you're in.

[notsogood]

How long have you been married for? Also it seems like maybe you have the main job (sole income) of the family and you take care of the kids and do housework as soon as you get home because she is working on her side project or is that split 50/50 as well? It seems like since YOU are the one doing the job you should have as much as in the decision as her.

 

Honestly life is too short to be stuck in a job that you hate or dislike. Maybe the option here would be to go with Job D? In other words the job that has not presented itself yet but you just need to wait and find one that you both would prefer? She doesn't seem to be giving you much input here and you are the one making the career change. Seems a bit selfish. A marriage is 50/50 not just 80/20.

[doityourself]

Honestly life is too short to be stuck in a job that you hate or dislike. Maybe the option here would be to go with Job D? In other words the job that has not presented itself yet but you just need to wait and find one that you both would prefer? She doesn't seem to be giving you much input here and you are the one making the career change. Seems a bit selfish. A marriage is 50/50 not just 80/20.

 

I completely agree with this, you both should be happy and comfortable with your surrroundings. I left my home state to live with my H in IL and I hate it here, put a big damper on my mood. 9 years later, nothing has changed I still hate it and find that I have a little anger towards him for bringing me here.