Going through a divorce, but falling quickly for another

[Hopingpraying]

Okay I have posted hundreds of messages about my plight, but it has taken and interesting turn, and I need some objective advice.

 

1. I am currently going through a divorce. My wife and I have been separated for nearly seven months. We have a daughter who is two, which is why I am even writing this email.

 

2. Three weeks ago I started talking to a girl whom I have known for years but was never involved with, I just knew her because she works in the same organization. I work in purchasing she works in our electronics lighting plant...

 

Now my wife has said and done some pretty hurtful things throught the divorce process because she is fighting for custody of our daughter. I want Joint Physical and she doesn't want me too, for whatever reason. So that complicates things greatly. I love my daughter and still would love nothing more than for us to work things out, but I don't feel you do the types of things she has done if you supposedly love someone. Through this whole thing, even with her being totally whacked out I have been nothing but respectful and nice to her. I have never once called her any names or said anything derogetory about her in front of our daughter. Really I didn't want her to have any ammunition to make me out to be the bad guy she wants me to be.

 

Well to get to my delima is this girl I met. She really is a nice girl. I have only been talking to her for three weeks, however, she is all I think about. To the point where my wife is nearly an after thought. I still think a lot about my daughter, but my wife not so much.

We just seem to fit together. I can just tell her anything and she listens, we communicate. My wife and I never did, especially toward the end. There is even more than that. She just seems really kind hearted..

 

Okay.. Now for my questions.... After reading the above, how should I handle it should my wife decided to come back? My fear is the moment I put my feelings out for someone else she will somehow sense this and coming running back.... While I believe I would like this, there is so many questions I have. How could she do this too our family? How could she give up so easily? What happened with for better or for worse, till death do us part.

 

My second question relates to the new woman in my life.... After seven months could she still just be a rebound? How am I falling for her so quickly? I constantly think about her. I feel like a school kid again. She makes me feel safe when I am with her, I forget about all the bad things going on in my life.

 

Now I do realize that most relationships start out the way I have described above, but I can honestly say I did not feel like this about my wife when we first started dating. We took it very slow at the start of our relationship. It took me awhile before all I did was think about her... So what is the difference?

 

I have been praying to God, asking him for guidance... And while I am sure he will help me along the way, I am hoping someone on this board can throw their two cents in as well.

 

Thanks,

[auburnslp]

friend, I have been through the exact same thing...but I need to tell you, there are issues regarding a divorce and custody that I think go far beyond this forum...trust me, I have been there and it is pure Hell-I ended up winning...I have custody of my sons...but...all I can say is you are in for a time of struggle and intense fear and pain...and if I can offer any advice or perspective feel free to ask...pm me, I will share my experiences if you desire...but you are dealing with now three things-the breakup of a marriage, the custody issues of the children, and also, a new love. Your present situation exactly mirrors mine, 7 years ago. Feel free to contact me, and if you are not led to, then my best to you, my thoughts and prayers...Michael

[Hopingpraying]

Auburn,

 

I will PM you. I really am interested in hearing how you handled your situation and whether it can help me handle mine better, or just give me some insight into how future things might take place.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[woobiegirl]

Hello H&P,

 

It sounds as if auburnslp will be able to give you some first-hand advice, especially from his own personal experience, the best kind! Since I've sort of followed your posts, I thought I'd write a few words & add my 2 cents too.

 

Sorry about your divorce, especially for the complications that come along with it. Although, something beautiful did come out of it...your daughter, you are absolutely right in wanting it to be as un-disruptive as possible at her tender young age, after all...she loves you both and doesn't understand what is going on. Unfortunately, its impossible to control what the other partner is doing and/or saying when the "you know what" is hitting the fan.

 

With all this chaos going on, you probably haven't had much desire in the past 7 months to date or even consider starting a new relationship. Because you work with this girl and probably see her daily, it's given you a chance to slowly become friends, and before you know it...you are looking forward to seeing her again. Why? Because she listens to you, she smiles & is happy to see you, is understanding, etc. which in turn makes you feel special...all the things you are missing in your life right now.

 

You never know when that right person may step into your life, sometimes it's not when we planned it to be...such in your case. If she knows about your divorce and some of the challenges your going to face...and shows an interest in you and you in her, I would say you are very lucky to have met someone that nice even if turn's out to be temporary. You are right, however, it can & will complicate your divorce if you end up going through with it. But, If you still have hopes of reconciling, then I'd suggest not bringing a 3rd party into it. It wouldn't be fair for her or your wife. Although, ...you also wouldn't want your wife to come back just because she's learned you've met someone...then the real problem hasn't been resolved. You have allot of valid questions/concerns about starting a new realtionship right now, and that's good! But also think of it this way...if you feel different with this new girl, like sharing, talking and other important special things you didn't feel between you & you're wife, then it just might be that if your wife did want to come back...you may not be interested. As much as we don't want a divorce in our life...sometimes we have to realize we were not with the right person...and no matter how hard you try, it will never be right. It's when you separated that you learn what may have been missing all along, or someone new will make you realize you what you've been missing. If it doesn't work, you've still learned what it is that you want in a relationship and what it is you won't do without.

 

Feeling like a school kid is great.. You're doing your homework...so enjoy, keep an open mind and heart.

 

Wishing you the best,

Woobiegirl....

[Hopingpraying]

Woobie,

 

Thanks for your advice, sorry it took me so long to get back, but the last few days it has been hard to access the site.

 

Every day that passes I get more and more confused. This girl I work with, only works at my place of business. It is a large organization of over 800 people so I really don't see her at all during work hours. We work in totally different departments. But she is a nice girl and we have quite a bit in common. My heart is still with my wife though, and I have been perfectly honest with her in this regards. I think it confuses her more than anything though. I enjoy spending time with her, but then I tell her I am still in love with my wife. I am sure that is very confusing for her.

I have told her exactly how I feel right now and she seems very understanding. It's not like the two of us are in love. You can't even call what we have done so far dates. Everytime we have been together it has been with a group of people. I think that has been by design so we don't get intimate, however, she is very attractive and the fact I have not had sex in so long makes it even more difficult to be around someone who shares common interests and is very attractive. I think it is different for Men though. I could have sex with her and have it not mean to me what it means to her, so I am conscious of that. Although if she were to initiate it I don't think I could resist.

 

How do I handle that. Should I just call it quits for now, or do I risk the two of us getting intimate??

 

Here is my real delima.......

 

1. She is a great girl. 29 years old with no kids, has not been involved with anyone in over a year. As best I can tell she is a very nice woman who is choosey about who she dates. She keeps herself up, and has a very clean house. She is independent and happy being by herself. Someone who I find very attractive, funny, and could see myself being with. Yes, it probably is a bit early to say that, but when I first met my wife I felt the same way so I don't know if that means I should be leary, or if the fact this one is older and had her heart broken she already sees what a great guy I am and knows what she would be throwing away. That probably sounds self centered, and while I know I am not the best thing going, I know I am not the worst either.

To get to the point, I feel that if I waffle for too long she will get sick of this and decide it is not worth getting hurt and decide to move on.

 

2. I am affraid that the minute I get serious with another person that will be the point at which my wife comes back to me. Then I will have to make a decision I really don't want to make. Yes at this time I want my wife back, however, there are many things that have to be dealt with before I could take her back. And the flip side of this is she may never come back and I will be putting my life on hold for nothing.......

 

So what do I do? Do I let things progress however they will? Do I let my heart go where ever it leads me? The thing is... And maybe you are not the one to answer this woobie, is how do I know if my heart is leading me, or my penius?

 

Oh the tangled web we weave.... Thanks everyone for reading this.

[auburnslp]

I can give you my experience with intimacy when our hearts still belong to another. Here goes...as you know, if you have read my posts, I have been left behind by my girlfriend of 3 years, because she realized that the Bible says she is still married to her ex-husband and she is now reconciling, even though it is clear that I am the man she wants to be with. She is sacrificing herself to God, and also to her family, and she is gone for good. I still am in shock, and I still am depressed, after close to two months, but it is better than it has been, thank God. Anyway, shortly after all this occurred, a girl approached me that I used to work with. Very, very sweet girl, attractive, etc. I had a wedding to go to that I was supposed to attend with my ex girlfriend before we split. So I asked her to go-who wants to go stag to a wedding? It entailed a dinner the night before, so I booked a hotel room, and was honest with her about that, but she wanted to go. Long story short-we had a really nice night, and ended up back at the hotel room, and we had sex. Now, at the time, beforehand, I thought it would be a good idea, maybe take my mind of my ex, focus on the new girl, etc. It had also been a long time for me, as my ex girlfriend had decided a couple months previously that we were sinning in sex before marriage-she just got progressively more religious in our time together thanks to being led by a very charismatic fundamentalist brother-in-law. So, sex. Good, but not my ex. Maybe if this new girl had been even better, I wouldn't have felt the way I did, but maybe not even then. I lay in bed awake for most the whole night feeling awful, and missing my ex so very much. It was absolutely awful.

The reason I relate this story is this...we are all different, in unique situations, unique personalities, etc., but I believe you should be careful about intimacy while your heart belongs to another, because it can be not just unfair to the new girl, but also to you. The next day I drove us back home and was very honest-and basically told her that I am incapable of offering her what she deserves, right now at least, until I heal, that I feel like a dog that I allowed the intimacy when I had doubts and when I knew that I was not over my ex in any way, and just apologized. She is a great girl and totally understood-can you believe that? She sent me a card with a quote on healing and is being so supportive, emails me from time to time, is waiting patiently-she told me she doesn't even want to date anyone else. Am I crazy here? Shouldn't I jump on this? The answer is clearly "no". I am not ready, and it would be unfair to either of us. We know when we are ready for a new relationship, it has to feel right, we have to be willing to give up the other in our hearts before we can allow a new person in. We have to heal first. No matter how long it takes, 7 months or 2 years.

Will this new girl go away if you don't act now? She might. But if you do act now and are not ready, you will just cause yourself pain, and her as well. So be very sure. I swear, that experience made it all worse for me, made me think even more how I will never find another like my ex, in any way. Since I have broken that off and have refused to act on getting intimate or even real close with another, I have been able to heal and have a least a little hope now, hope that I will eventually meet someone better. The trick I think is to never settle, even if it takes 10 years to find her, the new person has to be better than the old, or we might be condemning ourselves to always miss the ex, as I am sure is what is going to happen to my ex girlfriend-she will be happy to have her family back, but the problems they faced in their marriage are unlikely to just get better, even with counselling, I know in my heart that she is going to miss me forever, maybe fleetingly, but she will, because her ex husband is not me. I know that sounds arrogant, but I am not at all an arrogant person...in this case, it is just truth.

Now, the next point is this...casual, fun dates are ok, for me at least. Went on one of those last weekend, and it was fun-went to a concert, had a picnic, different girl that I haven't already made the mistake of being intimate with before I was ready-you see that relationship is automatically serious, and I can't do that now. Will I do anything more with this girl? Doubtful. Nice date, but no sparks, so most likely no. But the point is it was a nice time, so for me at least, I can say that occasional casual dating is safe right now. I hope some of this makes sense-I know we are all different, but I wanted to relate my experiences with this, maybe some will fit with yours.

Lastly-the issue of whether your wife would come back. That, friend, is tough. You cannot put your life on hold and wait forever...I know, I know, easier said than done, I fight with this every single day. I still have totally irrational hopes of her coming back every now and then. But it is true. If she was to come back after you began seeing someone, that would be out of your control, so not your fault, and then, it would be up to you. If you think that you and your ex wife could maybe do some counselling on the communication issues you mentioned and have a happy, loving marriage, then you could have her back. Of course, then she and you would be doing to your new girl what was done to me, and that sucks, but that is life. But it wouldn't be your fault. I have a feeling though if the new relationship progressed past the point of you telling her that you are still in love with your ex, and moved to where you were telling her that you loved her, only, then you might not allow your wife to come back anyway-even though that happened to me, maybe your case is different-you see, my ex had the Bible and her entire family telling her that ours was a sinful relationship because in God's eyes she was still a married woman. Tough factors to fight against, family and God, and even though she loves me more, those factors won out. But for you, this might not be the case and you might love the new girl so much at that point that this would not be an option. Who knows? Maybe not even you right now, but when that time came, if it ever did, you would know then. So if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much over this consideration. That's one of those things that we have so very little control over, really none, so why waste our time worrying about something we cannot change or influence?

Sorry for rambling on. I hope this helps in some way...good luck, your situation is really tough, and I went through much of it myself-everything you have written. You know, you sound like a really good man from what you have described, how you are handling the whole situation with your daughter and ex, it is very impressive. And you know, if you keep the high road, your reward will come, without a doubt. No matter what it is, it will come. Your story is really tough, and it is awful-right now, life just sucks, out loud. But, as with all of us, the healing from this time will occur, and I hope you do whatever you need to do to speed it along...good luck, be well...Michael

[sweetione]

I just got out of relationship with a recently divorced man, who told me he was ready for a relationship when i met him. We both fell in love and had a great 12 months. But we just broke up. Why? Because he wasn't ready. He needed time to heal, to just be with himself.

I know it must be very difficult for you. I really feel for you but coming from the other side, I would ask that you not get involved with the other woman. It isn't fair to her. You need to deal with your issues first.

[Hopingpraying]

Auburn & Sweetione,

 

I appreciate your responses, and it is really making me think I need to take a step back and acknowledge I am not ready for a relationship yet. I am already too close to this girl. She is a sweet kind hearted person. I really don't want to hurt her. And even though breaking things off right now may be tough it is probably the right thing to do. I cannot love her if I still love my wife. Not like she wants to be loved anyway. I have to be able to give myself to her completely, and right now I am holding back.

I believe she will still be my friend, at least in conversations we have had she said that she would. From the beginning I have been honest with her, but I don't think I have been honest with myself so much. I have been telling myself that I am ready, but I wouldn't be asking these questions if I was.

 

I guess I just need to step back and thank God that in my life I have been able to meet two wonderful woman. Hopefully I won't screw this second chance up. I may have already done that, we shall see I suppose.

 

And Auburn, I will continue to take the high road with my Ex-wife. I have no other choice. It is what is best for my daughter. I hope through all of this my Ex and I can at least be friendly to one another for our daughter. So far we have, but at the same time my wife sends me mixed signals. Somedays it seems like when I call to talk to my daughter she is annoyed by me, and then others she sounds happy to hear from me. Can't figure her out for nothing. Then just the other day she sends me an email at work that says, " It sure is nice out".... Now what am I supposed to think of that? What do I say to that??? All I replied is yes it is and left it at that.

 

I know in time God will sort this all out for me. Wish me luck, and I will do the same for all of you.

[auburnslp]

she sent you that email? Yikes...I think it was appropriate to reply as you did...but...that could possibly be a signal, the kind you desire. I would say if you get more emails like that, there is a possibility that she is rethinking the whole thing...don't get your hopes up, because I will do that for you-a personal question for you, and feel free to ignore it-but did you two ever go in for counselling together? You know, if those kind of questionable signals keep coming your way, there might be a time to discuss that as a possibility, actually whether or not you have tried it before. Listen, my ex is gone, has made her decision, and except for one unfortunate evening we spent together watching a movie about a week ago, there has been no contact at all from her, or me, for almost 2 months. And so I know her mind is made up and she is gone. But,...again, I would continue on as is and not get any hopes up over it, but use your best objective mind, not your heart, and watch her closely, and just continue on as you are doing. You are right to question her motives regarding that email-I am also-but, it is not nearly enough to draw conclusions from. Just keep your eyes and ears open...Michael

[Hopingpraying]

Auburn,

 

Yeah she did send that email, but I don't know if it was any kind of signal or not. Last night when dropping my daughter off to her at the local supermarket (for some reason she has never had me drop her of at her apartment) we stood there and talked for about 20 - 30mins. It was nothing about us, just about our daughter. It was good light hearted conversation about all the things she has been learning over the last few months. Nothing serious, just a good conversation. Very civil. I think it is good for our daughter to see us talking together like that. We have never fought in front of her. Which I also feel is good. But after that little bit of conversation my head was swimming with emotions and guilt. Guilt for beginning a new relationship with someone else, wondering if my wife really means that it is over between us.

I am debating on whether to ask her straight up if she feels there is no way for us to fix what we had. I am reluctant to do that, but I think I am even more scared if she says she is not sure. I think I would rather just get an it's over. I need some closure, and getting a maybe is not going to be any type of closure.

I also had a long talk with the "NEW" woman in my life. I told her I didn't think it was fair of me to be with her and not be able to give myself 100% to her. Instead of getting upset she just told me that she understood and still wanted to see me. She understands that I cannot just turn my feelings off for my wife, and that she could not be mad at me for being in love with my wife and wanting to make things work. That just makes me want her more. She is either nutz or a very nice, totally understanding person.

I still don't think it is fair to her, but my selfishness makes it so I don't want to stop seeing her, but I have this guilty feeling for cheating on my wife. I will be glad when the divorce is final...

 

Do you think I should ask the question to my wife? THe is it over for good question? Or should I just assume because we are going through a divorce that it is final?

 

My fear is I get seriously involved with this new girl only to have my life flipped upside down when my wife comes back because she might of made a mistake. What do I do if that happens???

 

Decisions, decisions.

 

Thanks in advance for your help!

[Mun]

I am so glad I found this thread. Thank you H&P for posting your story.

I was the "New" woman in a relationship with a newly divorced man and he told me pretty much the same things you have told your lady friend. I was stubborn and tried to be understanding of his situation too, but I was hurt alot of the time. Only now am I seeing the whole picture. Now that I have backed off and given him the time and space he so desperately needed to heal himself. And he is still around

 

I read all the posts with tears in my eyes because I could relate so much to all of it, and you guys have really helped me now ( to see it from the man's side). Thank you so much.

 

I hope things work out for you whether you move on or go back with your wife.

 

If you want to know what your wife wants find an appropriate time and ask her point blank " have you had a change of heart about going through with this divorce?" This will let you know where you stand and hopefully get things moving either way.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Hopingpraying]

Muneca,

 

I am glad you find the forums helpful. I think these forums are what have kept me sain through this whole process. As well as my new found focus on God. That definitely has helped!!

As for whether I have reconsidered going through the divorce, I never had any doubts. I have never wanted this divorce. My wife is the one who decided she was unhappy for many different reasons. None of which I feel are grounds for divorce, or at least not problems I didn't think could not be worked out. She is the one who was unfaithful too me, so I don't see anything I did as being so bad that we could not figure it out together, but I believe she is gone for good, or at least for a period of time where when she does decide to come back it will probably be to late for me.

I am not sure if it is just a situation where the grass is greener for her or not. I am a realist, and I understand that I am not the greatest guy that ever walked the face of the earth, but I also know I am far from the worst. She is going to find it difficult to replace me. If nothing else I loved her with all my heart, and I believe that should count for something. I placed her above all else in my life, as I saw it, but she did not.

Communication was definitely a problem.

 

Anyway, I am rambling. But in time I know it will all work out. I continue to see this wonderful woman I have met, and each day I heal a bit more. I still don't believe I am ready for a serious relationship, but things seem so easy with her. She is so understanding and accepting of me being me. She does not hold it against me that I still love my wife.

 

Oh what to do!!