A Lost Cause? Need Support at 3 Weeks NC

[LousySpy]

I've got so much strength from reading all the stories and responses here these last few weeks, just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone who's contributed before I ramble on...

 

I'm just approaching 3 weeks of NC and I'm having a horrible week The past couple of weeks felt like I was getting better by the day but I'm just feeling overwhelmed by obsessive thoughts and anxiety at the moment. I feel really, really broken...

 

My LDR (Leeds to London for UK folks) relationship of 18 months (minus a 2 month 'blip' last year) went sour some 7 weeks ago. She's been buying a house and her flirty estate agent that I was hearing too much about asked her out for a drink and she obliged. She said it was just a friendly thing, which I believed on her part but not on his. I had no reason not to trust her, though, so after expressing that it did make me uncomfortable I left it at that. Then a week or so later during our last weekend together, she was texting every 10 mins, all day, which has never happened before. In fact, we're both very respectful in that regard when we're together so it was only too apparent. I knew something wasn't right but I tried to turn a blind eye and just enjoy our physical time together since we only shared that every 3-4 weeks. Well, I'm usually a calm, reserved guy, but after it had gone on all day I just lost it in a moment of madness. Instead of confronting her about it first, perhaps even in a light hearted fashion to gauge her response, I checked her phone when she wasn't about. Didn't plan or wait for the opportunity, it was a spur of the moment thing I instantly regretted... I didn't read any messages, but the list of his name over and over was enough to make my heart sink. My mind went into overdrive... How long had this been going on? I felt disrespected, cheated on, and in a rush of blood to the head moment, I just confronted her angrily and said that I was heading home right there and then (6 hours before my train was even due). She burst into tears, said it was just attention that made her feel good about herself and after we both calmed down, I apologised for how I reacted and reached out to sort things out. But she didn't want to... Said she would rather leave things as they are for now. That what she had done to me had shown her that she couldn't give me any commitment at the moment and she wants to take a step back, work out her feelings for me, what she wants, where she's going. I felt gutted, angry too that she could selfishly justify her actions like that, but didn't beg or plead and accepted her wishes.

 

After some unpleasant LC, the last contact was 3 weeks ago which was civil and upbeat, but left on the note of us both agreeing that we should leave things for now. My emotions have been all over place but it's creeping up on me again to reach out again now. On the one hand, it was her decision to break things off, so I think that it should be on her to make any steps. But I do feel that she is probably afraid of rejection from me now... She hurt me, she knows it, and although I'm not proud of it, I let her know that too. So I feel she's possibly afraid of what i'm feeling towards her now after 3 weeks NC. I'm also afraid of what I might find out... I don't believe for a second that the attention she was getting just stopped, especially since it was the estate agent of the house she's in the long process of buying. Plus I know how much she seeks attention and responds to it, and I don't think I could yet handle finding out that it's developed any further

 

Despite being 31, I'm not the most experienced bloke to be honest. So I'd be really grateful for some perspective and support if anyone would be so kind as to offer me some. Was her actions as unacceptable as I felt they were? Should I be the one to accept more responsibility for my (re)actions and reach out again? The distance was always hard, but I made it clear from the beginning that I would bridge it in a heartbeat if/when it came to it. We spent every second or third weekend together and talked for hours everyday. From wherever I was I really gave her my all through some tough times in her life over these past couple of years. Yet it broke my heart that she could step back so easily...it almost felt like she was waiting for an opportunity.

[pumpkinmoon]

Yes she her behaviour was unacceptable and I suspect something more was going on with this estate agent than you might think. Harsh words but I'm trying to be real here.

 

In my opinion, from what you have written, she was very lucky to have you and your post gives me hope that there are still good men out there. I have been broken up for 3 days now.

 

All I can say is that it will get easier. She didn't deserve you at all and you deserve someone better. There are decent women out there too for you. Believe it!

[FootofGod]

I also agree. I've always, always found that there was more going on. People are very manipulative, even to themselves. Now she can go to him and pretend the whole thing was your fault - that she was just friends with him until you got jealous and broke her heart and then he was there for her. Pshhh. People freaking suck. Some of the mental gymnastics they can do just drives me crazy. And it's so predictable after a while.

 

I *could* be wrong. But I don't think so.

[pumpkinmoon]

I'll go as far as to say that he was probably nagging her to break up with you. I bet she talked bad about you to him and made the relationship seem worse than it was.

 

When you found those messages, that was her way out and she took it. The hard work of breaking up with you was taken away.

[Ms Darcy]

I'll go as far as to say that he was probably nagging her to break up with you. I bet she talked bad about you to him and made the relationship seem worse than it was.

 

When you found those messages, that was her way out and she took it. The hard work of breaking up with you was taken away.

 

That is my suspicion as well. I think she was waiting for her opening. I'm so sorry this happened, but you really dodged a bullet here; her actions were unacceptable. And she's probably sleeping with that guy now for attention -- tells you how much this relationship meant to her.

[LousySpy]

Thanks all for all the support. Although it's not what I wanted to hear, I know it is what I needed to hear and my gut has been telling me the same. My family has too...but of course our heart refuses to listen in times like this It's just so difficult for me to talk to anyone about it and I really feel the need to at the moment. I've been holding it all in and I think that's why I suddenly feel so consumed by everything. My mates have all been married to their childhood sweethearts for the last 10 years, so none of them have been through this break-up stuff. They just expect me to be able to brush her off and move onto someone else. But I'm not that kinda guy. I'm not really one to date and seek out a relationship...the thought of actively 'dating' scares me to death to be honest! I just sort of stumble accross people in everyday life...

 

I should mention that the 'blip' of last year was actually her leaving me once before for her ex of 8 years previous. That story can be found here. When she came back after a couple of months, I really didn't make it hard enough for her and let her walk right back. I knew things wouldn't work out again between them, so I pretty much just waited for her. We did take it slow before hooking back up fully again, but I was left with the insecurity that if she could leave me once she was too capable of doing it again. In hindsight, that definitely contributed to my insecurity and reactions to what unfolded this time around. I obviously didn't trust her anymore, despite not being consciously aware. I was also overly protective of myself...that I was constantly all too aware of.

 

I don't know why I even feel a need to reach out now to be honest... NC has definitely given me chance to take her off the pedestal and realise how selfish her actions were. It's sad, but I now feel used in a sense. Like a meal where she ate exactly what she wanted...the love, support, attention, sex. But left what she didn't want...the commitment and responsibility. She would often put me in impossible situations... Where if I stood up for myself, it'd create drama. But if I turned a blind eye, I felt like a doormat. The few weeks of LC before I went NC were a nightmare. It was all on her terms and she became...horrible to be honest. On reflection, I think she was been manipulative and putting me in the ultimate 'impossible' situation - either put up with this, which no one with any self respect would, or walk away yourself so she could alleviate herself of the guilt of doing her own dirty work...namely the telling the truth. It's been painful, it really has...

 

Cheers so much for listening anyway.

[LousySpy]

Yes she her behaviour was unacceptable and I suspect something more was going on with this estate agent than you might think. Harsh words but I'm trying to be real here.

 

In my opinion, from what you have written, she was very lucky to have you and your post gives me hope that there are still good men out there. I have been broken up for 3 days now.

 

All I can say is that it will get easier. She didn't deserve you at all and you deserve someone better. There are decent women out there too for you. Believe it!

 

Thanks for the kind words shoefairy! It's nice to hear at times like this. I know I'm a great guy with so much to offer, but I keep picking the wrong people unfortunately. I think I need to work on myself before hopping into anything else. I have knack of giving far too much of myself at the sacrifice of my own needs...can't keep leaving myself vulnerable to being hurt like this.

 

Sorry to hear you've been broken up 3 days... How are you coping? I wish I could offer some advice in return but I'm terribly inexperienced with this stuff that all I can do is learn from the wealth of experience here and from what I'm going through now.

[LousySpy]

That is my suspicion as well. I think she was waiting for her opening. I'm so sorry this happened, but you really dodged a bullet here; her actions were unacceptable. And she's probably sleeping with that guy now for attention -- tells you how much this relationship meant to her.

 

'Dodged a bullet' hits the nail on head. And as much as it kills me inside to think about it, you're probably right with the other bit too. She lived with her sister and her partner and they both moved to Australia today (he's Australian), hence my ex's house move. I think that's why I felt a need to reach out to her today... She has been dreading this day for months as she was connected to her sister at the hip. She simply can't cope with been alone so there's no doubt in my mind that the attention she got from me has been replaced in readiness for this day... She needs someone to cling onto and this guy was priming her up big time to take advantage from what I could see.

 

Don't get wrong though, I still care about her deeply and she has a good heart. She's just a sensitive soul who's dominated by her insecurities and need for validation from attention. When she gave me the break up guff, she said that she's only just started noticing the attention from men since she split up with her long term ex... But the truth is, this was simply the first assertive attention she received after me. Which makes it even harder to digest that I could be tossed aside at the first whiff of fresher pastures...