Another day in the Life of me.

[doityourself]

So here I am again at the point to where I want to give up and give in. This routine is so tiring and numbing. I feel like no matter what I do in life nothing feels good or right. I try to please everyone then get left in the dark. Still trying to find the answer of why I’m here and what use I have other than being a mother and wife. I don’t have any friends, went to pool yesterday and couldn’t even pay for someone to go with me. It’s like that all the time, everybody (2 people) says yea lets go do this and when its time they always have something else to do. I’m so lonely which is confusing because I have a husband and 2 children. I’ve grown to feel like my life is a burden on me and everyone else that’s around me. I’m not cooking dinner anymore, eating feels like a chore. I’m tired, tired of being me and tired of trying to live with myself. I just want a day where it’s okay to be me, that I’m fine with who I am.

 

Do I want to die; Yes…..Am I going to commit suicide, NO. If only I could get into an accident and die that way then I won’t leave anyone feeling like they should have done something or knew what was going on. These thoughts and feelings are taking me over. I feel like a mean hateful person just doing the everyday routine. I went home for a week to see if that could bring me out of this funk, it didn’t I was thinking if I could live in a drug induced state like them then maybe I would be better off. Maybe all these demons and evils will stay away. Even if it’s a temporary fix then I could feel better for a while at least. I have never thought that, always when I would go visit it would be an eye opener at what I left behind. But I’m jealous of them, they get to forget all and laugh. How is that fair when I fight everyday to feel an ounce of joy.

 

I’ve tried living a good life, got married, had children, work and support ourselves. Don’t steal, fight, lie or cheat. To have a day where I can be myself and feel happy is never going to happen. I don’t think anyone really understand what I feel, what my thoughts are. Why did I have to go through everything in my life to grow up to this? Why did I live through all that abuse and hell just to feel this way every single day of my life?

 

My husband tries to help, to understand but now I think he has just given up that he can’t do anything so he ignores and thinks this all comes from when I am having with drawls from smoking pot. It’s not I feel this way even when I’m smoking it just doesn’t eat at me like its pecking at my brain. I think he is bored with my attitude, he didn’t sign up for this, right.

 

I’m fighting to get out of bed every day to even come to work, to eat, to drink, to do anything.

 

I did go to the docs, he gave me Wellbutrin and Xanax but I haven’t gotten them filled yet, it’s my final card to play. I hate pills and refused to take them for long periods of time but I can’t keep going through this cycle. I feel like there will be a day that I won’t win the fight that I will give up. If these don’t help then I’m not sure what will be next.

 

I don’t even know how to describe what I’m thinking; all I feel is that I want to just give in to the thoughts. It would be so much easier. This is what it’s like to be me.

 

Just wanted to get it out. Thanks for listening.

[meteorstrike]

he did sign up for it. for better or worse. you sound like that commercial on TV where the lady has to wind herself up everyday. maybe the pills will help you.

[doityourself]

he did sign up for it. for better or worse. you sound like that commercial on TV where the lady has to wind herself up everyday. maybe the pills will help you.

 

I feel exactly like that, Im hoping that they will work and work fast, but have done this so many times in my life that Im giving up little by little.

[doityourself]

This is what my husbands response is to this post. Why doesnt these nice heartfelt words move me, why do I feel like this is just words that are not going to help. Why cant I take his words and be like he loves me for who I am so why cant I? When I read this, I was thinking blah blah

 

Thanks for sending me the message of what you wrote on the website. It’s nice to know what you’re thinking and feeling. You’re right, I chalk it all up to you not having your stuff, but it’s more than that. I do know that you’re still affected by your childhood. I can’t change what happened, I could only support you with love and a helping hand. Lately though, I haven’t been the best friend to you. I could always do more to help you out. I know that not having any friends is a real problem for you, for anyone. You should let people befriend you, let people in. I know you’re always worried about them backstabbing you, but I’m sure not everyone’s bad. No, I’m not thinking that having friends will solve your problems, but I do think it might keep it from your mind while you’re around them. How do we know what anyone signed up for when they marry someone? I love you for who you are. In my eye’s you can do no wrong I want to ignore all the hate that you have in you, the mean person that you say you are. I’m wishing that one day ‘poof’ you’ll forget everything that’s happened and everything will be alright. I don’t have the right words to say nor can I do the right thing to make it all go away, but the only thing I can do is give you my shoulder to cry on, my ears to talk to, my hands to hold you up when you’re about to give up, and my heart so you know that I love you with all of it.

 

Husband Always,

[meteorstrike]

The chemistry of depression is like a highway. The cars or neurotransmitter is stuck in traffic. It will take sometime before they clear up and carry a different mood.

[jraf]

doityourself, I suggest you stop doing it yourself.

Take the meds.

If you want to feel differently and you are clearly depressed, not much else is going to help right now.

You are lucky in that you seem to have a supportive husband, but being a supportive spoiuse gets to be difficult when the person you are supporting doesn't seem motivated enough to do anything for themselves.

You have the opportunity to take the meds and start doing something for yourself.

I really don't know why you wouldn't want to get better.

 

The only alternative is to keep doing what you're doing and hope.

Hope that you don't spiral down and hit a very hard bottom.

Hope that you don't lose your loved ones on your trip.

 

That's what happened to me and many others.

[doityourself]

doityourself, I suggest you stop doing it yourself.

Take the meds.

If you want to feel differently and you are clearly depressed, not much else is going to help right now.

You are lucky in that you seem to have a supportive husband, but being a supportive spoiuse gets to be difficult when the person you are supporting doesn't seem motivated enough to do anything for themselves.

You have the opportunity to take the meds and start doing something for yourself.

I really don't know why you wouldn't want to get better.

 

The only alternative is to keep doing what you're doing and hope.

Hope that you don't spiral down and hit a very hard bottom.

Hope that you don't lose your loved ones on your trip.

 

That's what happened to me and many others.

 

 

Im on day 3 of taking meds, dont really feel any differant other than Im to tired to pull anyones hair out. I know it takes time as this is not the first time Ive been on them.

 

Had a talk with my H last night, not sure how or why it came up but I ask something like Why are you still married to me? Now the usual answer use to be I love you, you are the best thing thats ever happened to me.

 

Last night it was Im catholic and blah about making a commitment, and then went on the say thay he wouldnt leave me because im Not 100%. This really shocked me, he has never made a comment on this usually he just ignores my depression.

 

This really bothered me, I thought it over for a while then told him that he shouldnt feel obligated to be married to me. Then he said oh yea I do love you, you mean the world to me.

 

Im still kinda lost as what to think about it, or maybe Im making to big of a deal?

 

Thank you for you post, I see it the same way but am just so tired of trying. I wish I could get up the energy to stop complaining (in my head) and do what I need to do. There always seem something to push me back steps. Just hoping these pills take hold fast.

[jraf]

Of course you're tired of trying, you're depressed. But keep on the meds and keep on trying.

 

If you've experienced depression before, then you know that it is very easy to make decisions that are not in your best interest.

 

Right now, your husband is with you and he does seem supportive. Give him a good reason to remain supportive by taking care of yourself.

 

The meds will take time, but be patient.

[doityourself]

I think I will journal here everyday just so I can keep reminding myself what I need to do and why. I just hope that I havent pushed so much that Ive ruined what was once there.

 

Thanks jraf for listening

[jraf]

The journaling sounds like a good idea.

My pleasure to lend an ear doityourself

[andi8172]

i think the only people who understand depression are those who suffer it it doesnt matter what those closest say we pick up on the one comment that drags us down they say that didnt mean it like that but that changes nothing in our minds sometimes i think i should stay in a box with no way out just being left alone.ive heard of this xanex but havent gone down that road yet its all talk blah!im sorry youre down youve been very kind to me ! im here if i can help.

[doityourself]

i think the only people who understand depression are those who suffer it it doesnt matter what those closest say we pick up on the one comment that drags us down they say that didnt mean it like that but that changes nothing in our minds sometimes i think i should stay in a box with no way out just being left alone.ive heard of this xanex but havent gone down that road yet its all talk blah!im sorry youre down youve been very kind to me ! im here if i can help.

 

 

Thanks Andi,

 

Im so scared that Im pushing him away with my depression. Without him I will have nothing.

[andi8172]

i know what youre saying its these thoughts that bring you down aswell do you spend much time together without kids?

[doityourself]

No we never get any time away by ourselves. Have no after hours babysitter, been thinking of running an ad in the paper but what would we do and where to go. Esp since I dont find anything fun. Its like you never win.

[andi8172]

no its hard when you dont want to go out but you dont want to be trapped indoors if youve thought about getting a baby sitter there must be something your thinking of doing maybe go to movies or a meal?

[jraf]

I agree with andi8172, depression is not easily comprehended by those who haven't experienced it.

Your husband will no doubt continue to be supportive if he can see that you are doing something to get out of the depression.

I'd try very hard to find a baby sitter so that you and he can go out. It doesn't have to be a big night out. Just out and away together for an hour or two will really be good.

[NaturalJ]

I think I will journal here everyday just so I can keep reminding myself what I need to do and why. I just hope that I havent pushed so much that Ive ruined what was once there.

 

Thanks jraf for listening

 

Keep writing every day. I may not post on 90% of what I read, but I am reading it.

 

I wrote my other thread, and wasn't expecting anyone to write to it but you did. All you had to say was that you could relate and I felt some relief.

 

So keep writing. I will read anything you write, and respond if you want.

[doityourself]

Thanks for the comfort everyone...

 

I do agree that we need to get out more, its one of those things were there is always something that needs to be done. I would say this is a number one problem with us, we dont really have time to connect.

 

We had a really good talk last night, I think I might have given him some kind of perspective of what my emotions are and why I tend to crawl inside myself because I dont want to show it. I explained how the thoughts are like people talking in a cafeteria (if that makes sense to you) and its hard to focus on anything else at times.

 

I do feel better today but cant help to think that it will happen again. The only differance is Im sticking with this medicine more for myself than for anyone or anything else. So this is a new step for me.

 

I didnt get a chance to journal yesterday so Im going to try to start again today.