New Job offer Moving us Towards Break Up

[daveymoore1]

been dating a girl for 1.5 years. we both love each other. she recently got a great job offer in another city that is 3.5 hours away. she is also potentially going to get a job 1.5 hours away but no offer yet.

 

i could move w/ her (we don't live together now) but its not ideal and may impact my career negatively. she wants us to plan together what she will do and expects me to be sacrifice this as wells as being away from my friends and family to make it work to be with her and since I can still keep my job and move. in her eyes it makes sense and i should be willing to do this to keep our relationship healthy.

 

i feel hesitant about moving in w/ her in another city - i would have no friends there, need to work from home when i prefer having an office... but i do love her, potentially see a future together and want to keep dating her.

 

am i selfish for wanting to keep dating w/ out making this sacrifice and doing LTR for a litte while? she says she'd move for me if it was the other way around and since her job offer is a 3 yr position, we could always move back later.

 

this just seems so HARD... shes not hearing what she wants and I don't really have a compromise so we are becoming distant. i feel broken up inside but just wonder - if its this hard - is it really meant to be? if i'm not willing to commit and move after 1.5 yrs, should we both just be moving on and avoiding the heartache -- or will i regret not giving us a full chance by moving in and ignoring some of the fears/downsides i see? I'm usually always looking at the negative in change so this has been particularly excruciating determining what my true feelings are.

 

thanks

[Mercurial Girl]

Could you offer an alternative? Such as, you will commit x number of weekends to visiting her and spending time with her, ensure that you keep in contact very frequently on a daily basis on the phone or whatever,

 

and most importantly, that as long as the relationship is smooth sailing throughout this test, that you will make plans to move over there in x months/years. This would give you time and opportunities to develop a network of friends in the new city, and figure your way around it.

 

If your main hesitation is that it is too soon to take that big of a step quite yet -- but you DO see it happening sooner rather than later -- then this might be a good compromise.

 

If your doubts are more complicated, however, I suppose I'd consider moving on from this one. 1.5yrs is long enough to have a good idea where your relationship is going, or even if it's going anywhere.

[misssmithviii]

The answer lies in your priorities.

[Kia-Kaha]

I guess the question to ask yourself is would you regret it if you don't try?

 

You are only going to be 3 hours from home. You could easily come back any weekend you wanted to see family and friends. You said you could work from home, so could you make a special space in your apartment to be an "office" and only use there or maybe head down to a coffee-shop / the library each day if you are working from online / cellphone.

 

LDR's are not easy. I think to be successful they must have a definite end (which is close enough to work through it together).

 

If you can keep your job and do it from this other city, I don't know why it would negatively impact on your career to move away for a few years. It is scary moving away from friends and family, but they are only a phonecall away (or a 3 hour drive).

[daveymoore1]

just to answer a few of the comments / questions... its actually a 6 hour drive to home now which i worry about based on parents getting older and dad having a heart attack not that long ago.

 

i could work from home but doing this 24/7 will likely be very difficult for me. coffee shops are ifne but noisy and i need to be on the phone a lot while working (in sales).

 

i worry that losing my job would then cause me to have to find one in this new city (which is a city I like but won't want to be in for more than 2-3 yrs max b/c of its distance to home)

 

it seems cut and dry based on those facts but i still love her and this situation is tearing me up inside and only causing her to be more frustrated and detached every day that goes by.

[Kia-Kaha]

Davey,

 

She will continue to withdraw until you answer her. I think she is preparing herself for you to tell her the worst, and every hour you take to decide she will withdraw a little more.

 

Do you blame her? You have basically told her that you are not sure whether you feel strongly enough about her to change your life to be with her.

 

It is a tough decision, especially with your father's health concerns and not one you should make lightly. But if you do want to go out there with her, you should tell her as soon as you have made peace with that decision.

 

I have been thinking about this while I was at the gym, and thought "what have you got to lose?" if you stay, it sounds like you may break up. If you go, and it doesn't work you breakup and you move back to your home.

 

But your father's heart condition does change that a little for me.

 

Good luck on your decision, man!

[daveymoore1]

wow, i appreciate all the great feedback...

 

we spent the last 4 days together due to plans that had been previously been made. things went well... but this was looming.

 

i spent all day today thinking about it in the hopes of coming to a resolution and i wasn't able to. what does this mean? i am hurting her by delaying yet i can't seem to come to closure on this...