Question about Men... pls help!

[hkitty]

I know I shouldn't read too much into the txt msg my ex sent me but what does it mean when a guy says they are "confused" and are not happy with you but they still love you and thinks that we should stop seeing each other for now.

 

How can he still say he loves me yet not want to be with me. I guess love is not enough sometimes?

 

I've been with him for 4 years.. we would make 5 in august. We've had our difficulties in the past.. but we were young and immature. But I always felt that we loved each other very much.. we just had our differences that made us clash a lot. But our relationship had always been very passionate. We broke up several times.. but he'd always come back cause he realized what he lost. Each time I took him back thinking, I love him and I want to make it work. More than a year ago, we had a real big break up.. which I truly thought was over for good. He actually dated another girl a month after the break up and i figured he was over me and that we would never see or talk to each other again. Little did I know that relationship was just a rebound for him and he realized that girl meant nothing to him and I was the love of his life. After 3 months being apart, he begged me and said he made the biggest mistake of his life. He called me non stop, txt me non stop, wrote me a email confessing he made a mistake and wanted me back and would do ANYTHING to get me back. I didn't let him back easy because I had very little trust in him. But after talking to him everyday.. I knew that our love for each other was still there. I was still bitter about the fact that he was the one that broke up with me but I couldn't deny the love I had for him. I decided to give him another chance but he would have to work to build my trust again. He talked about wanting to get married in the future and living together and all that stuff. I was happy.. real happy. Because in our old relationship, the topic of marriage would never come out.. and if it did it would just make him angry.

 

Anyways, we had been back together for over a year.. and things were the best ever. Yeah we had occassional fights but we were always able to communicate and work it out. The old him would of just broken up with me and leave.

 

Then just recently, my ex went on a trip to Jakarta to help open up a restaurant. He was gone for a month. But he called me everday and he told me how much he missed me and then he asked me to move in together (he still lives at home with his parents and so do I). He even talked about getting married within a year. I was overjoyed.. my wish finally coming true. When he came back, we were so happy to see each other. He was still very tired and out of it from his trip to a foreign country but I think that would go away eventually once he settled back into normal routines here. Things were good and we even looked at rings. But I noticed that he wasn't his normal self, like he was holding something back but not sure what it was. I would ask him and he would just tell me that hes just always tired and he was still adjusting to the time difference. Anyways, I decided to go into his email (I know I probably shouldn't have) but I had his pw cause I made that acct for him. I found an email that he wrote to the owner of the restaurant in jakarta to see if there was any chance for him to have a career there and that he'd be willing to move there. He said he'd be willing to resign his job here and move there. I was in shock cause he never once mentioned this to me.. and the funny thing is, the whole time he was in Jakarta he said he missed me and wanted to be back home. But I guess being in a foreign country was eye opening for him. Cause when I confronted him about the email, which he was pissed about, he said the reason he would go is because he'd make good money and the money there would go along way cause its so cheap in Jakarta. Plus he said I wouldn't have to work.

 

I know right now that he is unhappy at his job here.. he's even stated on his fb status several times, saying why cant his job be more challenging or how hes getting bored. To me, I feel like.. he wants to be successful.. and I think when he came home he realized how expensive it would be for us to get a place. I just feel like hes not happy with himself or his job.. and then on top of us having problems and arguments, he pushed me away again.

 

I feel hurt all over again. I understand that he isn't happy.. and I probably shouldn't have complained about things that I was unhappy with.. but I felt like we could work it through. Right now we're not talking.. its only been couple days but I feel so alone and lost. I've cried non stop and my eyes are swollen from crying so much.

 

I am done with him... but I still have this feeling in my heart that one day we will be together but only until he finds happiness with himself and feels like hes reached his goal. I know how important success is to him and I think thats why he wants to go to Jakarta so bad. He's a very hard working man. In fact, him working so much has caused us a lot of problems cause I always felt neglected. But I decided that I need to let him figure things out on his own. Hes 27.. and still confused. I'm 24.. and yeah I havent figured my whole life out but I always knew that I wanted to be with him. I have never given up on him or us. It just hurts that he would do this to me again. I will have to move on.. nothing else I can do. But insight on men and their careers would be very helpful... thnks.

[Keyman]

While you both love each other, I honestly don't think this is meant to be. He is still young and looking to find himself and his dreams. He has had love in a relationship with you, but it has been an on again off again experience. He has even dated someone else in between. This would tell me that there is something is missing in the relationship for him.

 

Based upon your post (it might not be the full picture, but it is all I know of the relationship), it seems sometimes quite one sided. Like he is always doing something to you. You always took him back. He had to jump through hoops to get you back. You had trust issues and held that against him. It seems like he always tried to give you what you wanted to ensure you were happy. Calling every day, lots of contact, begging to come back. Promising marriage, looking for a place for you both together.

 

What I don't see in the picture is how you have attempted to make his life a happier experience. Sure, there is a level of security with you and that is why he kept coming back, but it seems like he is not being fulfilled in his life and perhaps in the relationship thus he is trying to find things that make him feel happy and he thinks that life in Jakarta will be better. Perhaps it is time for you both to go your separate ways. For him to stretch his wings and really find out who he is. Perhaps that is something you also need to do.

[hkitty]

Well Ive been there with him through thick n thin. He is a very hard person to be with.. but I love him to death. There were times where my needs werent met but I let it go. I am the longest relationship hes ever been with, and all the other ones he never even talked about marriage or moving in with. Ive done so many things with him that hes never done with anyone else. He have so much history together, it hurts that he would throw that away. A lot of ppl know how stubborn n selfish he can be.. but I put up with it. I'm done trying.. normally id be calling him or going crazy but I have no energy to do that anymore. I know for a fact that the chemistry we had was undeniable. But maybe youre right, he needs to find himself.

 

 

All the other times we broke up was because I was constantly complaining about his work, I was needy and when he would break up with me Id call him over n over obsessively begging him to stay with me and professing my life. The real big break though, he dated someone else as a rebound and I sort of pushed him away cause I kept calling him over n over during the break up and accused him of all sorts of things that he didnt do. But u know what, I guess its a trust issue I have with him and that is because he has left me so many times before.. i guess we just need to go our separate ways. If he really loved me he would be there for me.

[hkitty]

Oh and the funny thing is just 2 days ago, we were together talking things out and we made love, went out to dinner and everything was fine again.

 

then the next day we talked and everything seemed ok, I brought up somethings that bothered me but he seemed ok about it. He told me he loved me and that he would see me the next day. Then the next day, I ended up getting that text msg. Maybe he just had more time to think about everything and realized he wasnt ready to be with me. *sigh* this hurts so much... i want to die. Only thing I can do is give him his space until hes ready to talk to me right?

[stay_positive]

Try NC for a lil while... Yea it sucks but from what it sounds, you need some space. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. Give him some time to figure out what he wants. My ex said the same thing when we broke up a lil over a month ago. I was his first gf in 4+ years. He said he's confused and isn't happy with me. You just need to take a step back and recoup. Pamper yourself and do what makes you happy. Best of luck!

[hkitty]

Thnx staypositive..

 

are you doing NC with your ex still and has he tried to contact u?