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Maybe She's Figuring Herself Out

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This is a bit of a lengthy rant more than anything. I just need to write down what's going on in my mind.


We broke up in early January, and have been in contact ever since. She broke up with me because she needed space to figure herself out. I know, I know.. most everyone here would say go NC, but I never did. 95%+ of the time, she is the one to initiate contact. I only do if it's something serious, but haven't in months.


Anyway, she has gone on dates and has even been in one relationship since we've broken up (she didn't do this right away after we broke up). I never objected understanding that we broke up so she could figure herself out, and maybe those things were necessary for her to do so. Well, this past Monday she called me to see how I've been and eventually informed me that she and her boyfriend had broken up. I already knew this, because a mutual friend informed me after it happened. I wasn't too worried about it.


Somewhere along the way, our conversation moved towards the topic of being friends. I ended up saying "we want two different things." She said, "I'm not asking you to call me baby, be my boyfriend, or anything like that." Without thinking, I responded with, "That's the problem." In what seemed to be a shocked voice she said, "You want to date me again?" I said, "I just miss the girl I used to have."


Ever since that talk, she's been very different. She's been very sweet and fun to talk to in general.. something that hasn't necessarily been the case in her quest to find herself. She's also been dropping many hints like she wants to move forward, but hasn't come out directly with it. She has had periods where she's been close to me before, but this seems different. She actually seems to be making effort. I've noticed over the past couple weeks how she's seemed much happier with herself and has started to seem to be finding a clear focus again.


I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's getting hard. She's called me each morning for a good morning and each night for a good night. I know for certain that she still has feelings for me, and that's the reason she broke up with her boyfriend (they only dated a little over a week). She has told me many times she misses me and is happy that we are talking again. As many nice things as she says, I'm still quite reserved. She's gotten close to me before during our break up and has left me hanging, so I'm not throwing myself out there to be hurt like that again. She understands that and that I question who she is right now and needs to prove to me who that exact person is.


She went out of town to go to a music festival, and I can't help but wonder what she's up to. She told me we probably wouldn't talk until she got back, but it'd really mean a lot to me if she'd call even once to see how I am. Maybe it's dumb, but I feel like it'd show me if she was truly interested or not to go out of her way to call, I guess. After the last time we got off the phone, I put up a Facebook status saying, "Actions speak louder than words." Obviously, it was directed towards her and she "liked" it shortly after. It's killing me wondering what's going on in her mind. I want to know her intentions, but it's only been a few days, so maybe I should wait it out a little longer and see how things unravel.


/rant end.

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This is going to seem counter-intuitive but if you want her back create space. Don't contact her for a few days here and there. Miss some of her communications. Stay off facebook and stop playing games like a child. Who gives a flying truck what she's up to. You want to keep a toxic girl like this who pulls your strings you are going to have to give her the harsh treatment she desires and stop being a baby.

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I rarely contact her as it is and as I said, I haven't initiated in months. She keeps it up. Also, I do miss her communications. I am my own person and have my own life. I keep busy and don't revolve my life around her. That'd be a waste. This was the first time I've directed a Facebook status towards her, and given the nature of our conversation, it seemed relevant, but I can see how that could be considered a game. However, I'm not going to treat her harshly. I definitely appreciate the input, but that's not the kind of person I am. With that said, I don't wait on her hand and foot her either. If we do end up together, it will be because it was meant to happen. I'm not going to treat her poorly and manipulate the situation to end up with her. If we don't end up together, it wasn't mean to be, and I've made a ton of improvement since we broke up, so I'll keep at it.

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