Is she taking control?

[Polestar42]

Hey guys, just need some unbiased opinion on my current situation.

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 6 years. We started to date in high school. Overall, my gf is really awesome and has a ton of great qualities. When I first met my gf she was really cool with me hanging out with my friends; however as time has passed she has increasingly become angry when I ask her about hanging out with them.

 

This has probably been a problem for about 4-5 years. Throughout these years I have tried to be nice, stand up for my self, talk to her, be mean, and just about everything I could think of. It has reached a point where when a friend asks me to do something I just automatically tell them no because the enjoyment I get from hanging out with them is not worth what I have to deal with with my gf.

 

I personally encourage my gf to have friends and do stuff independent of me because it make the relationship more interesting because we both can bring new stuff to the relationship instead of just being together 24/7. However, she always has an excuse such as, "I would rather hang out with you", "Oh does that mean you don't want to hang out with me", "All girls are * * * * * es, I like you better" etc ....

 

Now I think I am a pretty decent guy, and when I am doing stuff with my friends it is stuff like biking, golfing, skiing, or just playing xbox. I do not drink and do not go to bars at all. Alot of my friends do drink and are into the whole bar scene but my gf has been personally present when I have refused to drink or do whatever my friends have wanted me to.

 

Now I do have my flaws, I am always late and have lied to my gf about doing stuff with friends (not originally but because it got so bad at a point).

 

I really do not talk to any other girls, have a facebook, or have any other girls calling or texting me. Additionally, I maybe ask to do something with my friends like 2-3 times a month.

 

 

I really have tried everything and have no clue where to turn. I cannot really see the relationship going any further if something does not change. The thing that makes me so mad is that I have actually lost my friends because every time they call I have to say some bs excuse and then they just stop calling.

 

I am a mellow guy and don't really like conflict and holding grudges but do I just basically just have to say "Too bad I am going to do things with my friends and you are going to have to comprise"

[Speranza]

I can't believe you are asking this after FIVE YEARS. She isn't taking control - she has GOT control.

 

I have actually lost my friends because every time they call I have to say some bs excuse

 

No you don't.

 

btw I don't mean this to sound as though I am criticising you!! Just - take a look at your post, pretend it is some other guy who wrote it. What would you reply?

[cruzer]

I'm in the same boat except all I want to do is play on the computer in the same room right beside her... She hates it and if I spend an hour playing she gets furious.

 

U have to tell her that its perfectly fair for u to spend 50% of ur time with her and 50% doing what u want and that includes hanging with friends. If she can't handle or accept that ur done trying to make it work.

 

If u continue to let her control u, and don't take up for yourself it won't ever change. Me and my girl are doing better than ever since I told her this is how it is if u don't like it get lost.

 

I don't know how u have put up with that for so many years. Its not even been a year for me and if things don't change ill go back to being single before I will put up with that BS.

[Polestar42]

Yeah, I am moving to a new stage in my life and have really been thinking that basically things have to change or it is over. It is the fact that I can just tell my friends I cannot go which takes like 1 minute or I can spend hours hearing about why I went with my friends and I am just like I really don't feel like dealing with this so I just tell my friends I cant make it.

 

My gf's dad always works and can never do like family dinners, vacations, or other family stuff so I was thinking maybe this has affected her and why she is so focused on keeping me around so much.

[cruzer]

My gf's past boyfriends were always out with the boys or always on computer and never any time for her unless sex. So I understand why she is against it but I'm not the same. I'm doing 50/50 that's the best she gonna get. That's fair... She has to compromise... Its a relationship.

[faithful14]

I don't think it's fair of you to give up the things you enjoy just because she tells you too. Does she give you a real reason why she doesn't want you to hang out with your friends? Is she bored? Does she worry that you make more of an effort with your friends than her? Cause if her answer is because she's bored or has no friends- well I agree with you, she needs to make a life of her own and not depend on you for her happiness. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone and frankly, it's not fair. I would go ahead and have a talk with her about his because I don't think I would want to be with someone who is constantly telling me how to live my life. Make sure there is a compromise- you will spend x amount of time with her and in return she shouldn't get upset when you go out with your friends.

[Polestar42]

Yeah, I am completely not like that at all. If anything, I am only asking for 25%/75%. I mean she is a really cool girl great work ethic, nice, friendly, easy to talk to, great to my family, treats me really well (brings me lunch, buys me nice stuff etc...), always offers to pay when we go out. So I mean she is a pretty great girl overall it is just this friends thing that is messing things up. So I feel bad standing up for myself.

[misssmithviii]

Don't feel bad standing up for yourself. This is a matter of compatibility - you two expect different things in the relationship. She expects to spend all this time with you and you expect not to.

 

Some relationships are great together all the time (like my man and I) and some just don't work out that way (my man's ex relationships and my ex relationships). It's just different. I don't think you can change what she wants in a relationship, but she needs to realize that a compromise must be made in order for it to work seamlessly.

 

There comes a time when a couple just can't see eye-to-eye and one needs to compromise without resentment. If that one simply cannot, then the relationship WILL fall apart as you have already seen happening.

 

Don't be mean, there SHOULDN'T be a reason for that. You need to be understanding and stern - explain to her what you expect in a relationship and that it doesn't mean loving you any less, it's just your way of loving. It's unfair for you to ditch all your friends for her and you feel it's really quite selfish of her - and she doesn't seem to be having much consideration for that. Tell her you'll take her out, you'll go out to dinner, see a movie - but you'd also like to kick it with your friends as well. If she refuses to allow that, tell her it's the last straw and you don't think you two are compatible any longer. You love her (if you do, tell her) but you cannot maintain a relationship when both of you see/want/need different things.

[monkeygirl12]

when you stop doing the things you enjoy or living life then thats when you know somethings wrong in your relationship...its not healthy to stop givin ppl the freedom to be themselves..a loving relationship will DIE with restrictions of being yourself

[iJester]

Just end it with her. She clearly doesn't want to change and will probably turn the problem on you. Tell her you need to have a life and she doesn't want that, nor does she have a life of her own. Go out with your friends and find a new girl that won't grab you by the balls with a monkey wrench.