why is the abuse so easy to forget?

[supersteens]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about seven months. At first I thought everything was perfect. My boyfriend was sweet and attentive. He bought me an amazing birthday present, spent thousands of dollars on me, and I hadn't even committed to being his girlfriend yet. So once I did, and let him start staying over all the time, we kind of shut out the rest of the world. That's when his jealousy began. He would get mad when I would talk about wanting to hang out with male friends, even when I assured them they were completely harmless. Most of my close friends have always been males, but I never felt comfortable bringing them around my boyfriend. Other things began coming up. He once got mad when I didn't spend enough time with him at a party. He would abuse drugs like speed behind my back and I wouldn't find out until later. We went out to play pool once and he got mad because I wouldn't let him teach me how to shoot better but I let his friend John teach me. I tried to explain he made me felt uncomfortable because he was so demanding and I wanted toomuch to please him. John wasn't as hard to learn from so I let him teach me instead. But Rich (my boyfriend) got so angry he actually knocked the pool que from my hand when John wasn't looking, then denied it later. I changed so much while I was with him. I used to be a vivacious, flirty, outgoing 23 year old, and then because of his insecurities I became what I thought was more respectful to his needs, but ended up acting like a completely different person. I used to be super strong, super confident. And then I changed completely. He would make me feel so bad about flirting, and I tried to explain to him that I used to be overweight and awkward, and when you're not phsyically attractive you have to have an outgoing personality in order to not be a complete social outcast. The thing is, in the past few years, I've lost a lot of weight and am now actually pretty, and I think the attention I attracted from other men intimidated him. I did my share of mistakes in the relationship, but he was a very unforgiving person, and could turn really cold on a dime. I got so confused and things got so bad I eventually kicked him out of my place (he wasn't paying me rent anyway but was telling everyone he was) and then he went nuts. He called me all kinds of names, which inspired me to call him names back, and the whole thing ended up being a terrible mess. All my friends told me to never see him again, but it was so hard when he'd come crying to me on my doorstep, begging me to forgive him. Eventually I found out he was trying to date another girl I worked with. I accused him of lying to me, because we'd said we didn't want to see other people, that we were still in love with each other. His response was that he wasn't dating anyone, he was just hanging out with girls who were friends of his. But his lies were getting worse and worse, and I was feeling so gross inside. My insecurities were raging, and I was at the point where normally I'd say "fine, go date another girl, I can find someone who appreciates me." But instead, I'd cry and get angry and feel rejected. I was becoming a different person! About a week and a half ago, he suddenly decided he needed his space and that he couldn't make me happy. He'd said this kind of thing to me before, when he was spending a lot of time with this girl I worked with, but when I decided to cut off contact with him he came crying back again after a few days. Now it's been over a week and i haven't heard from him, not since the last time he said "goodbye." I told him I was going to move on, that I was going to resolve things with an ex of mine whom I'd broken up with to date him, and that I was going to try to make myself happy. He got really angry when I said I was talking to my other ex again, and started dropping hints that he too was seeing other people. Then he would change personalities, and suddenly wanted me to know that he really did love me, and that I'd changed his life. It was like talking to two different people. I couldn't let go of all the pain of the lies he told me, so I told him he was full of you-know-what and that I never wanted to see him again. Everyone is telling me this is for the best, and I really am a lot healthier and happier now that he's gone. So what is it that makes me question my decision? Why am I missing him so much? I know logisitically that even if he dates another girl, if he is an abusive person he won't change his behavior, but I guess I need some reassurance. What could have made him suddenly leave me alone? Does his fickleness and eagerness to find someone new mean that the love he had for me really was bull? Was I just stupid and naive? Do abusers and men with narcissistic traits (I looked it up on the internet and he matched a lot of the symptoms of people with narcissistic behavioral disorder) really know how to love people? Am I mourning for something that never really existed? Any experts out there who can give me a well needed shot of clarity?

[trypanosoma]

I'm not an expert on this but I could imagine how you feel since I have gone through this... I may not be wise but I am here to offer support. I believe that the reason you miss him so much is because you got used to his company, and after the breakup it's as if you now have an emotional void. Within those seven months he was a part of your life. You laughed with him, spoke with him, and now you're coping with his absense. It's normal to have this feeling, and it'll get better with time. I think that him searching for someone else is just his way of trying to move on. He is trying to get involved with another person so he can avoid dealing with the pain, loneliness and confusion that the breakup has caused. Before people can love others, they have to learn how to love themselves. Rich was insecure, and he didn't have trust in you which is why he would question your loyalty within the relationship. It wasn't his intentions to hurt you, but he was inflicting pain to both of you because of his insecurities. The sad thing is that Rich probably didn't realize that he was emotionally abusing you. His emotional abuse was already causing you some self-esteem issues, so what you did is you gave yourself some distance. You weren't stupid and naive, you really believed Rich's declarations of love. On the contrary, you have demonstrated that you have developed into a happier and healthier individual. You no longer have him with you to drain your energy so now there's nothing that can stop you from enjoying your life and continuing doing what you want to do. I hope I helped. Good luck.

 

It takes time to heal a physical wound... it also takes time to heal a broken heart.

[supersteens]

Thanks Trypanosoma. Your reply made me feel a lot better, and not so foolish. I guess I'm just baffled at how jekyll and hyde he was. One minute he'd be cursing at me and telling me how inadequate I was, and the next minute he'd be bawling over how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. This is the longest we've ever gone without contact, and I know it's good for me and I shouldn't be concerned with what he is doing, but he used to work with me, so he is friends with everyone I work with, and I have to see the new girl he is pursuing all the time. I see his car all the time too, I know he drives by my house sometimes to see if I'm home. I'm always looking over my shoulder, wondering what's going to happen next. He still owes me eighteen hundred dollars, and everyone keeps telling me that the money is as good as gone. I feel like he's lied so much to me, there's no hope of reconciliation because even if he comes back in a month with apologies, I'll never know how to believe him. When do you know when someone is a pathological liar? He would lie about huge things, like going to see his ex girlfriend and not telling me, and he'd lie about things that I would never think he'd lie about. He was in a car accident and when the insurance claims were all it, he told me he wasn't found at fault. Then I found out later both insurance companies did find him at fault. How do you make peace with your relationship when you wonder if everything they ever said was a lie? Do liars like that ever stop?

[piscesprincess]

I have posted alot here, for some reason, I can find one situation that pertains to me or someon in my life- weird!

 

Here it is, my younger brother has narcissistic personality disorder. he only wants to be with someone he can't have. I mean he obsesses over very beautiful women (i.e victoria secret models) & he will not settle for less. He demands money from my family (my aunt is wealthy enough) & wants everything his way. Girls do like him, one used to come over all the time (i thought he was falling for her, she was sweet & pretty). One day, she stops coming over. We asked him what was wrong. he said she told him "I love you." but, he replied: "Sorry, I don't love you."

 

Days later, he started persuing this very pretty girl in his classes (college). They spend alot of time togetehr, but she also has a boyfriend, who my bro is friends with. Basically, he likes these situations.

 

Your ex-may have wanted to persue. remember, it does not matter have you look on the outside b/c there are many attractive females (especially in New York where I live). Look, Halle berry was cheated on, lied to...so you can literally have it all & men will still cheat.

 

Please forget that jerk, easier said than doe, yes, but you are strong (all women have emotional strength beyond men). You deserve someone who will be devoted & recipricate your love & tenderness.

 

BE STRONG!!!!

[trypanosoma]

From what I've learned, identifying someone as a pathological liar isn't easy, since pathologic lying is found in association with neurotic, psychopathic, or other disorders. A person can easily be mistaken as a pathological liar when he or she is caught lying in a continuous fashion, but this isn't always the case. Your ex wouldn't necessarily be a pathological liar if he has intentions behind his lies. He lied because that's probably his behavioral form of defense, his defense mechanism. Do liars like that ever stop? That's hard to answer; it's like asking if smokers can quit smoking. I know lying is treatable, but if put into a defensive situation anyone will lie. Wow, eighteen hundred dollars! My ex also owes me money, but it wasn't a huge debt. I brought that to his attention recently, but because we're no longer in a relationship he didn't care about whether I got paid back or not. So I agree with what everyone else has told you about. I'm worried that your ex will become psychotic as time progresses. If he drives by your house constantly and you are worried about your safety then you have to be more careful. If this worsens don't ignore it, and remember that you are not alone on this. Supersteens I'm so glad to hear that you feel better. You've accomplished so much so far, and later on you will feel that life is nothing but sunshine. I'll always be here for you… I'm just a PM away. Take care!

[supersteens]

Okay, so right after posting this and reading the replies and walking away feeling pretty darn good, I see my ex on my way to work, driving in his car. He sees me, and I just keep driving. Later this evening, he's waiting for me after work. I tell him I don't want to talk to him and he says he knows, he just wants to give me something. It's a hundred dollars. He's paying me back as much as he can over time, I guess. His debt was two grand, and a month ago he paid me two hundred dollars, and tonight he gave me a hundred, so now he only owes me 1700 I guess. I accepted the money and ran away to my car, then burst into tears on my way home. I get home and there's two messages on my home machine, and one on my cell phone, all from him, crying about how he made a mistake and he wishes I didn't hate him. As if my heart wasnt' already broken. It's been eleven days of no contact and I was praying he would just leave me alone, that he'd find someone else (even though that hurts too). Now I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[piscesprincess]

Emotions are powerful b/t 2 people that have loved one another. Even if you are angry or hate him, it is hsrd no to "feel".

 

Just try to stay away from him - no contact is the best way, I think b/c the more 'physical' you are with someone, the more the may start to get more attached.

 

Like I said before, you desrve better. Like someone who will treat you like a princess. Demand your money & keep him at a far, far distance. This is the only reason you are still in any contact with him b/c he owes you this money? Well, be forcefull, tell him to pay up by a certain time or just stay away....he can always mail you a check or have someone else give it to you, right?

 

Ultimately, it's your life & your choic. make the one that is best for you.