supersteens

Hi again, just wanted to check in with you and see how things were going. I check this posting a lot, because it's true--you have made much progress since your first 48 hours of not speaking to your ex. It gets easier every day, but be prepared for lapses in feeling good, and know you'll think of something new to say to your ex that will make you want to call him, be it for closure or because you think it's time to talk again. Prolong the no-contact for as long as possible. My ex tried to get in touch with me a few days ago, I think I spoke about it in an earlier post, and I had the same feelings you had, about wanting closure. I didn't want our last communication to be ugly or damaging. I ended up calling him but got his voicemail, thank goodness, because it's really better that we don't speak or see each other. I just left him a message saying I was happy, I was doing fine, I didn't hate him but I didn't want to be hurt anymore, so I wished him the best. I haven't heard from him since. The night he tried to see me was Thursday night. He'd left messages saying he'd made a mistake, and now he looks around and realizes what is missing from his life. As much as I would like to believe it, I think he was just lonely at the time, and maybe the other girls he'd been hanging out with weren't around. I don't like thinking of myself as a fallback plan, but the fact is if he treated me so badly when we were together, he couldn't possibly understand how to love me. So why would him saying he loves me now make any difference? It doesn't. He is just sad and lonely, and I would rather by loved by someone who is excited and happy to love me, not shamed and disgusted with himself. These are things to think about when you are alone and there is no one to talk to, and you start missing the times when your ex was in your life. The person you love should be there to enhance your life, not complete it, and if you feel empty when they aren't around there is something wrong. I am working on not feeling empty when I am alone, so the next time I find someone I care about, it will only be positive. But I'm glad you are starting to heal. In a few weeks you will look back and you won't believe how far you've come.

Hi Usedtobestrong, I know how you feel. When I started therapy, I was still with my abusive ex, and that's why I realized I couldn't stay in the situation. But even though I knew what was going on, I still yearned for him. I've been going through no contact and just when I was feeling great again he popped back into my life, and you know what? The part of me that longed for him to be by my side was still there but it wasn't as strong. I was even scared of the fact that my feelings were fading. But ever since I started therapy I've learned how to be honest with myself and not bury things or lie to myself to make myself feel better, and that keeps me out of a lot of trouble. I wanted to call him, see him, have him come over, but I know now that there is no magic reunion that is going to happen. And this past week and a half, I have put so much effort into thinking about myself rather than him, I've gotten too strong to just go back to feeling those old feelings. It really works you know, working on making yourself feel good. But when you're with someone who has hurt you, those spiritual muscles get weak within you. You have to strengthen them, or you can never feel better. It's like when you start weight training, and at first you feel ridiculous, like you're totally weak and you'll never enjoy this, and the next day you're sore and you just want to stay away from the gym. Think of your personal growth like that--you have to keep working at it. Keep telling yourself you're a good person and you're strong, hang out with new people who don't treat you badly. It doesn't happen right away, it takes weeks and weeks of continued conditioning, but one day he'll call, and you'll feel that old twinge, but your strength will overpower it, and you'll go, "oh my gosh! He called and it made me sad, but it didn't take away all the good stuff I've been feeliing all week!" Believe me, it can happen. I was a wreck. Now I can't believe how great it is to find the old me, the me who existed before I even met my ex. It's a slow processs...I saw my ex last night accidently and it sent me into tears again. But instead of crying all night, I only cried for a half hour, and when I stopped I felt a lot better. I didn't feel lost or broken. I just felt the old sadness attached to old feelings.

Okay, so right after posting this and reading the replies and walking away feeling pretty darn good, I see my ex on my way to work, driving in his car. He sees me, and I just keep driving. Later this evening, he's waiting for me after work. I tell him I don't want to talk to him and he says he knows, he just wants to give me something. It's a hundred dollars. He's paying me back as much as he can over time, I guess. His debt was two grand, and a month ago he paid me two hundred dollars, and tonight he gave me a hundred, so now he only owes me 1700 I guess. I accepted the money and ran away to my car, then burst into tears on my way home. I get home and there's two messages on my home machine, and one on my cell phone, all from him, crying about how he made a mistake and he wishes I didn't hate him. As if my heart wasnt' already broken. It's been eleven days of no contact and I was praying he would just leave me alone, that he'd find someone else (even though that hurts too). Now I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Thanks Trypanosoma. Your reply made me feel a lot better, and not so foolish. I guess I'm just baffled at how jekyll and hyde he was. One minute he'd be cursing at me and telling me how inadequate I was, and the next minute he'd be bawling over how beautiful I was and how much he loved me. This is the longest we've ever gone without contact, and I know it's good for me and I shouldn't be concerned with what he is doing, but he used to work with me, so he is friends with everyone I work with, and I have to see the new girl he is pursuing all the time. I see his car all the time too, I know he drives by my house sometimes to see if I'm home. I'm always looking over my shoulder, wondering what's going to happen next. He still owes me eighteen hundred dollars, and everyone keeps telling me that the money is as good as gone. I feel like he's lied so much to me, there's no hope of reconciliation because even if he comes back in a month with apologies, I'll never know how to believe him. When do you know when someone is a pathological liar? He would lie about huge things, like going to see his ex girlfriend and not telling me, and he'd lie about things that I would never think he'd lie about. He was in a car accident and when the insurance claims were all it, he told me he wasn't found at fault. Then I found out later both insurance companies did find him at fault. How do you make peace with your relationship when you wonder if everything they ever said was a lie? Do liars like that ever stop?

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about seven months. At first I thought everything was perfect. My boyfriend was sweet and attentive. He bought me an amazing birthday present, spent thousands of dollars on me, and I hadn't even committed to being his girlfriend yet. So once I did, and let him start staying over all the time, we kind of shut out the rest of the world. That's when his jealousy began. He would get mad when I would talk about wanting to hang out with male friends, even when I assured them they were completely harmless. Most of my close friends have always been males, but I never felt comfortable bringing them around my boyfriend. Other things began coming up. He once got mad when I didn't spend enough time with him at a party. He would abuse drugs like speed behind my back and I wouldn't find out until later. We went out to play pool once and he got mad because I wouldn't let him teach me how to shoot better but I let his friend John teach me. I tried to explain he made me felt uncomfortable because he was so demanding and I wanted toomuch to please him. John wasn't as hard to learn from so I let him teach me instead. But Rich (my boyfriend) got so angry he actually knocked the pool que from my hand when John wasn't looking, then denied it later. I changed so much while I was with him. I used to be a vivacious, flirty, outgoing 23 year old, and then because of his insecurities I became what I thought was more respectful to his needs, but ended up acting like a completely different person. I used to be super strong, super confident. And then I changed completely. He would make me feel so bad about flirting, and I tried to explain to him that I used to be overweight and awkward, and when you're not phsyically attractive you have to have an outgoing personality in order to not be a complete social outcast. The thing is, in the past few years, I've lost a lot of weight and am now actually pretty, and I think the attention I attracted from other men intimidated him. I did my share of mistakes in the relationship, but he was a very unforgiving person, and could turn really cold on a dime. I got so confused and things got so bad I eventually kicked him out of my place (he wasn't paying me rent anyway but was telling everyone he was) and then he went nuts. He called me all kinds of names, which inspired me to call him names back, and the whole thing ended up being a terrible mess. All my friends told me to never see him again, but it was so hard when he'd come crying to me on my doorstep, begging me to forgive him. Eventually I found out he was trying to date another girl I worked with. I accused him of lying to me, because we'd said we didn't want to see other people, that we were still in love with each other. His response was that he wasn't dating anyone, he was just hanging out with girls who were friends of his. But his lies were getting worse and worse, and I was feeling so gross inside. My insecurities were raging, and I was at the point where normally I'd say "fine, go date another girl, I can find someone who appreciates me." But instead, I'd cry and get angry and feel rejected. I was becoming a different person! About a week and a half ago, he suddenly decided he needed his space and that he couldn't make me happy. He'd said this kind of thing to me before, when he was spending a lot of time with this girl I worked with, but when I decided to cut off contact with him he came crying back again after a few days. Now it's been over a week and i haven't heard from him, not since the last time he said "goodbye." I told him I was going to move on, that I was going to resolve things with an ex of mine whom I'd broken up with to date him, and that I was going to try to make myself happy. He got really angry when I said I was talking to my other ex again, and started dropping hints that he too was seeing other people. Then he would change personalities, and suddenly wanted me to know that he really did love me, and that I'd changed his life. It was like talking to two different people. I couldn't let go of all the pain of the lies he told me, so I told him he was full of you-know-what and that I never wanted to see him again. Everyone is telling me this is for the best, and I really am a lot healthier and happier now that he's gone. So what is it that makes me question my decision? Why am I missing him so much? I know logisitically that even if he dates another girl, if he is an abusive person he won't change his behavior, but I guess I need some reassurance. What could have made him suddenly leave me alone? Does his fickleness and eagerness to find someone new mean that the love he had for me really was bull? Was I just stupid and naive? Do abusers and men with narcissistic traits (I looked it up on the internet and he matched a lot of the symptoms of people with narcissistic behavioral disorder) really know how to love people? Am I mourning for something that never really existed? Any experts out there who can give me a well needed shot of clarity?