To NC or not to NC?

[ziggie31]

My ex-bf and I broke up about 10 days ago. He dumped me because I was too clingy and causing him too much stress. At first I cried, begged, etc. Eventually I managed to collect my thoughts and at least understand his decision. I have shown a lot more confidence, positivity, and happiness since then, which has led to him saying he wants to give things a "chance", as in, he would like a relationship in the future but only if things stay improved.

 

Now, however, I'm facing 2 conflicting schools of thought. There is a part of me that is really understanding that this could take a long time to fix and that nothing is guaranteed anyway. This part of me is operating on "fake it til you make it" - just trying to keep a happy attitude and hope it rubs off on him. This part of me is eager to talk to him and see him in person, confident about our future, and much more stress-free than I've ever been before.

 

The other part of me thinks that he will be too stubborn to ever a) acknowledge that he has his flaws as well, and b) admit that he may be wrong about his assumption that I'll never change. This part of me doesn't want to be the only one working on the relationship and feels like it's a futile uphill struggle. This part of me knows I deserve to be treated well and that if he doesn't want me, he doesn't deserve me. So on this side, I want to go either NC/NIC/LC (depending on which is most appropriate) and make him miss me.

 

There are pro's and con's to each one and I can't figure out what to do. I have been mostly waiting for him to initiate contact, but I have initiated all the times we've seen each other since the breakup. However, I find it increasingly painful to see him and not be able to get close to him or be intimate. We both still love each other and have been getting along great, just like he's always wanted, so there's an impatient part of me that says, well why not just call this a relationship then?? I am afraid of driving him away if I allow this anxiety to continue to build up, but afraid of losing him if I pull away. I hate the uncertainty and not being in control.

 

Right now he's out of town with some friends and will be gone for 5 or so days. He texted me a few hours ago but I haven't replied, as I want to figure out my next course of action. Ultimately, I'd like to get back together with him, but not at the expense of my self-worth. I want him to miss me, want me, and desire me, not to just be an option he can fall back on.

 

So, what do you think I should do?

[fLuiD]

No Contact. Strictly, harshly and without bending any one bit. Your ex will jump through hurdles if he really wanted to contact you.

[Flint_Wood]

It sounds like he does want to give you another chance. He felt smothered, so I imagine you giving him all sorts of space all of a sudden will force him to exam if space is what he really wants.

 

Taking a step back from the relationship sounds like a good idea for both of you. But since you have both already initiated a reconciliation, I recommend you discuss the terms of the break and what you will both be comfortable with. It's a tough talk, but details such as time between contact and if seeing other people is ok should be established.

[robot20]

I would go NC but its extremely difficult.

[uncomfynumb]

I think you need to fix your issues before you get get back into this relationship or another one otherwise you will eventually feel worse.

 

Playing hard to get or pretending you think and feel one thing when you actually feel another way will not fix these issues either. A relationship that involves two healthy adults doesn't involve a calculated response to basic communication and expression of your feelings.

 

So why are you insecure? Secure people aren't clingy and needy you know...

[FootofGod]

I would go NC but its extremely difficult.

 

Ah, yes, NC is extremely difficult. It's not the easy way out, but it's the best way out for sure, especially considering your situation. Doing the right thing usually is pretty tough, but that's all the more reason to do it.

[Puckdog27]

I agree, take some time, it may not call for strict NC, but dont rush back. If anything, it will show him you can be less clingy