*sigh* who knew hs relationships could be this hard?

[her boyfriend.]

Hey everybody this is going to take a while to explain but it would be great if somebody could give me some direction bc I don't even know if I can trust my own judgement...

 

I'm 16 and a junior in high school, she's 17 and also a junior. We got together in December and apparently everything wasn't as cut and dry as I had thougt for the most of our 5 months together.

 

Some background info: She (let's call her Brandy) used to be with my bestfriend for around a year and a half from 8th grade to freshman year. He has no problem with us being together because the breakup between them was very hurtful and supposedly he has no more feelings for her. Let's call him Jack.

 

I had always thought that things were just fine between Brandy and I until just recently when another friend of ours (let's call her Jill), one that she confided deeply in, told me things I had not known. For this reason Brandy no longer speaks to Jill. But first let me start at the root of the problem.

 

About a month ago I suggested that we break up for the summer, and I was very surprised when she readily accepted and asked our limits on seeing other people. I had no intention of seeing other people, but I hadn't told her that and just went along with her plan; which I thought I would get used to but I didn't. Also we both agreed to get back together once school started again. Fast forward about two weeks. I began thinking about our relationship and all the things I didn't see about it. I don't usually look at the negative things in our relationship but a few of our mutual friends had started pointing out some of the crap that I had been blindly taking from our relationship (and I knew they weren't just jealous). So I ended up talking to her and telling her that I was reconsidering getting back together after our summer break up.

The gist of her reply was: she was okay with me finding someone else and she wouldnt be mad of I did. This kind of upset me because I knew that deep down she was the kind of person I knew I loved but she didn't seem to want to hold on to me.

 

Fast forward another week.

 

Jill and I started walking and talking. Her and I are also close friends bc we know we are both smart about things and can trust each other. Anyway she told me that my gf had told her about how I was reconsidering not getting back together after summer. I then told her that I threw away this idea bc I cared too much about her and if something went wrong with her I'd just end up ditching whichever girl I was with to go comfort her anyway. She said that was cool but that I should know a few things. Jill thought that I was way too good for her. She said that she believed that I was best guy in our grade because I didn't mess around with other girls and I genuinely cared. Brandy told her that she had problems getting close to me and would always blame this on her past relationship with Jack. I was being understanding about it but Jill didn't buy it much. Jill also told me about a time when Jack offered to help Brandy cheat while her and I were already together. This really broke my trust for my best friend. In the end of this conversation with Jill I felt that I really placed my trust in the wrong people and I faked a smile for the rest of the day until later that night when I called my gf.

 

We talked about the things that Brandy had told me although I couldn't ask her about the time Jack offered to help her cheat because that was supposed to be absolutely confidential. We also talked about the things that our other friends saw and told me about our relationship and I asked her why she hadn't struggled to keep me after I told her I was having doubts about our relationship. She said it was because she knew she was broken because of her past relationships and that she thought the best way to make me happy was to let me find someone that could make me happy the way I wanted. I told her that she was the only one that I wanted to be with and that I wanted to continue being that one that would help her 'fix' herself like I had been for the past 5 months. I also told her that it REALLY bothered me when she was so eager to see other people during the summer bc I had no intention of doing so. She told me that the day I suggested the breakup she went home and cried to her family (but I have a hard time believing that with how normal she acted). I asked her if we still had to break up since we both had such a big problem with it and she said that we did because she wanted me to go out with other girls for a while and see what 'normal' girls do with guys. Although she said we are getting back together on my birthday (July 4).

 

Just for everybody's information, I have no intention of seeing other girls during this time, I'm just going along with this plan bc she thinks this is best. Now what I need from you guys are any opinions on what's really going on here, also what you think I should do once we do get back together. I'll be checking this post often so if you need more details ask away.

[teabee]

I began thinking about our relationship and all the things I didn't see about it. I don't usually look at the negative things in our relationship but a few of our mutual friends had started pointing out some of the crap that I had been blindly taking from our relationship (and I knew they weren't just jealous)

 

Do you have more details on all this?

 

The gist of her reply was: she was okay with me finding someone else and she wouldnt be mad of I did. This kind of upset me because I knew that deep down she was the kind of person I knew I loved but she didn't seem to want to hold on to me.

 

This would be hurtful for anyone What you want from her is closeness and reciprocated feelings, but it looks like it's all pretty one-sided. She sound pretty "meh" about the whole thing. Why exactly did you suggest you guys break up for the summer though? If you explained it, I missed it.

 

She said it was because she knew she was broken because of her past relationships and that she thought the best way to make me happy was to let me find someone that could make me happy the way I wanted. I told her that she was the only one that I wanted to be with and that I wanted to continue being that one that would help her 'fix' herself like I had been for the past 5 months.

 

That's very sweet and noble of you to desire to help "fix" her, but she is the only one who can fix herself and it looks to me like she wants to identify with being damaged and broken. What is she so hurt over, specifically? "Past relationships" is very general. I'm making assumptions, but I'm guessing her problems aren't that deep, nor is she so damaged that she couldn't move on if she wanted to. Regardless, this girl's heart is not open right now. I think issues will stem from this over and over again when you guys get back together. Until she gets over being "broken" she is not going to be as invested as you'd like

 

I'm just going along with this plan bc she thinks this is best.

 

Sounds like she's calling all the shots... relationships are about compromise. Don't be afraid to suggest alternative plans or add your own needs to the mix and alter the plan so it suits both of you.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Wait a minute...you suggested that you break up for the summer. What prompted that? That could throw anyone into a tailspin, regardless of their past issues.

[her boyfriend.]

I suggested that we break up because I thought I was leaving for California to visit my mom right after school ended. I had no intention of flirting with other girls or anything like that, I just didn't want her to feel neglected or forgotten if I did not contact her for a while because I was so busy over there, Also if I forgot about my girlfriend that would also make me feel very bad.

 

As for what others had noticed about our relationship; they noticed that we didn't act like we were together much. For example, she would often leave me to go talk to her other guy friends. Our close friends noticed that I was always the one making an effort to go to her and show affection. There are a few other things but I forgot what they were now, but basically she didn't act much like we were together although I did, and they noticed the imbalance.

 

I don't like to ask her about her past relationships, but she has told me that she has been cheated on before and it REALLY hurt her.

 

As for her suggestion that we break up until my birthday, that was our compromise... I didn't want to break up anymore and I guess she still felt we needed to so now were only supposed to be apart for a month.

[her boyfriend.]

So I talked to her today, and with the way it seems to me, I think it's best of we didn't get back together. It hurts me because I love her dearly but just dont think our relationship is healthy for either of us. Let me tell u how the conversation went.

 

First a little background info: I was never able to tell my father about her because I knew he wouldn't accept it and if things went wrong with me then he would just blame her and I just couldn't have that. Because of this, I had a hard time taking her out because I always had to make an excuse for where I was going when I wanted to go see her.

 

To make the conversation short: I asked her if she was okay with our relationship continuing this way. She said that she didn't know and had to think somethings over first.

 

The fact that she hesitated tells me that she doesn't really want this. Also she doesn't care enough for me to sacrifice some time. Also you should know that the two of us have never actually been on a real date with just the two of us, not because I didn't try and ask her out but whenever I did she would cancel on me bc of something else she had to do.

 

So now I'm thinking that I don't want to have to be in a relationship with a girl if she isn't really willing to go along with the circumstances bc I know she will be unhappy. Also it doesn't seem like she cares as much about our relationship as I do and this really hurts me. So unless by some amazing way she can make me believe that she really does care that much and she'd be okay with the circumstances that we have to stay under then I think I'm just going to have to break it off.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Uh oh. Well, what about that nice Jill girl?

[her boyfriend.]

Lol I already thought of that. She's been through almost the same thing so she's given up on high school relationships as well. Besides that, her parents don't want her getting into one either.