it doesn't seem to get any better..

[hellohello1]

OK, so to sum up, my boyfrind of 2.5 years dumped me tuesday night claiming that he needed some time to figure out who he was, he is confused, had "cold feet", has doubts, needs time to miss me. i can be controlling and jealous and he does not want that. he says he still loves me but the only way to figure out if thsi si what he wants is to be apart from me, so we are broken up. he said that there is a "distinct" possiblity we will get back together..this was on tuesday night. i bawled my eyes out and begged him to forgive me. wednesday i hugn out with freidns, absolutely upset and caved in and called him a few times. i told him what i wanted to change and hes aid he felt better after talking to me, but when i would bring up the status of our relatoinship he kept saying i dunno!! and getting annoyed. wednesday night he sent me a text out of the blue saying " i never realized how much time there was in a day, its frightening" i asekd what this meant and he said he never realized how long the days were without hearing from me and i said oh is this a bad or good thing and then he said it was neither and then got annoyed when i pressed for an answer. he said he had to go and hung up.

 

i texted him 30 min later saying "sorry about that, i wont let it happen again" he sent me a text back saying its fine, im making soup. i said yummy, have a goodnight. he said likewise. and thats it, we have not talked since. during our phone call he said he would contact me within the next couple of days but has yet to contact me.

 

his facebook status yesterday said "is very perplexed right now" and he also wrote on friends walls that he is "very confused"..i know everyone is going to say dont contact him, but its very hard. im finding it difficult. believe it or not im very proud of not contacting him in nearly 72 hours, its been extremely painful. i want him to miss me..all i want is for him to call me and tell me he wants to work on our relationship...we both work at the mall and were both there today, but didnt see eeach other. he normalyl comes down to say hi to me but didnt today..im just so upset...so after today it will be 3 days of NC. im thinking that my goal is to amke it to 7 days, and then consider texting him?

[hellohello1]

ok so i know that no one responeded but some things have came up since that lsat post just over an hour ago. i was on facebook and he ended up signing on and then starting a convo with me. it was basically hey hey how are you i said im alright he said he was surviving. i asked what he was up to today he said homework i said i was watching the hockey game and going out for coffee..i kept it very casual and did not bring up any of my feelings (this was very very difficult) there were a few times when he didnt respond after like 5 or 10 min and i didnt keep talking like i normally woudl have. he asked me when i was going out for coffee and where. i asked about his work and then i said alright well im gonna go watch the hockey game now, good luck with your homework. he said kk good luck with ur stuff bye and i said bye. and it was left at that..i feel good that he contacted me, he was probably wondering why he didnt hear from me in 3 days..so should i have done anythign different? do you think he will contact me again? neither of us said i love you or anything (even tho we did the day after we broke up)..is it a good sign he contacted me? what do i do? lol

[dazed_83]

im thinking that my goal is to amke it to 7 days, and then consider texting him?

 

Why?????

 

What difference would it make txting him in 7 days? If he wants to get back together with you he will let you know.

 

Trust me it does get better, I was in your shoes 8 months ago, and I feel fine now. Me and my ex were together 6 years. Best thing I did was to finally let go and go NC. It's been 5 months NC for me she broke it once 2 weeks ago and thats it.

 

Take some time out, heal, spend time with friends, dont go looking for a rebound, and DO NOT GO LOOKING AT HIS FACEBOOK!!!!!

 

I deleted my ex from facebook, it's one of the first stages on the road to recovery, trust me. You will see things a lot more clearly in a couple of months time.

 

Chin up..

[hellohello1]

i understand. that is a good point. but, what about him trying to contact me just an hour ago? is it a good sign??

[dazed_83]

i understand. that is a good point. but, what about him trying to contact me just an hour ago? is it a good sign??

 

I dont know depends what he's saying, maybe he regrets breaking up, maybe he likes the knowledge that you will always be there for him? Allowing him to maybe see others, and keep you on the back burner?

 

What age are you both?

 

You could keep answering his calls, with him saying nothing of any significance, which ultimately holds you back, wondering what does that mean??????

 

You really have to do whats best for you. He has already decided whats best for him i.e not having you as his girlfriend. How highly do you value yourself?

You do not want to be a second place prize, you're better than that.

[hellohello1]

thanks for the reply dazed_83. In the second post in this thread i outlined what the conversation entailed. i dont think he thinks i will always be there for him, and i think tahst why he contacted me, because he would typically thikn that, but i have not contacted him in 3 days and i think it actually surprised him. additionally, we were both working today (both work at the same mall in different stores) and i did not go to see him (something i would typically do if iw as upset). waht do you think of our conversation (my second post in the thread), did i handle it ok?

[confused2010]

I think you're reading too much into it and over analyzing everything to death. I know exactly where you're coming from. My ex broke up with me about 6 months ago and up until recently he was constantly contacting me. I think it's a familarity thing. We lived together so he was use to me being there everyday, but it didnt mean that he wanted to get back together. I think the majority on here are right... If they want to get back together they will let you know and nothing will stop then... But that is if they want to. I think you best bet is to stop reading into everything, you're going to drive yourself bananas! I surly did!! Lol... And yes, stop looking at the FB! Give him some time to sort things out on his own... SuperDave has a pretty cool quote , "if you do nothing then you can mess nothing up" or something like that.... Let nature take its course... I know it's hard to hear, but I think it's your best chance is if you just give it some time.

[hellohello1]

alright. that could be true. but then what do i do if he starts talking to me?? should i reply or not? tahts what im confused about, did i handle it ok or was there something i could have done better?

[confused2010]

You sound just like me a few months ago. You sound kinda freaked out... Thinkng that you're making the wrong move and it'll ruin your chances.

 

I really can't tell you what to do but maybe it'll help if you asked youself some questions out loud and heard the answers out loud? How does it make you feel when you talk to him? If he's not saying anything direct about the two of you getting back together I think I might just be giving you mixed signals and false hope. That's what all my friends tried to get me to understand bc whenever I would talk to him I would do the same thing with them hat you're doing here... Is it really benefiting you talking to him or is it just making HIM feel better. I thought for the longest time that if I thought about myself it would be selfish, but it's not.... Stop putting him first and put yourself first. I think you need a cooling off period, just some time to process... Without him. Is that something you are willing to do? Bc if you are it'll probably benefit you in the long run.

[hellohello1]

thats true. there certainly is mixed signals. i guess the only thing is that its been 4 days since weve broken up. this is probably gonna sound ridiculous, but if i do ignore him and he does wanna tell me he wants to talk about things, what would happen? ugh im so sorry, i know im being stupid..this is just so hard..i have been thinking about all of this stuff so much..i was just always told ok dont contact him, wait for him to contact you. so i did, and he did contact me and i replied and i even was the one who ended the conversation when i saw it wasnt going anywhere. what should i do now? continue not contacting him?

[dazed_83]

alright. that could be true. but then what do i do if he starts talking to me?? should i reply or not? tahts what im confused about, did i handle it ok or was there something i could have done better?

 

reply if its relevant I suppose. But how are you questions are ridiculous, they mean nothing. When i got dumped my ex phoned me up and even turned up at my house to tell me she missed me, ultimately it meant nothing, i.e it didnt mean she wanted to reconcile. In fact a couple of months later she was in a rebound relationship (she still is).

 

I think you should maybe tell him you are not ready to be friends, and ask him to respect your decision to be left alone for a while.

 

It's up to you though. That's my 2 cents

[confused2010]

Dont worry, you're not being stupid at all! You're doing the exact same thing that I did and I'm sure a lot of people have done the same. My problem after my break up was I didn't and couldn't think clearly. I was desprate to get him back and I did and said sooo many crazy things that I now somewhat regret and I think those things are some of which that are standing in my way of getting him back now. You probably don't want to hear it but I would go with the majority and go no contact or better yet just be aloof. You're suppose to act like you don't care, give him all the time he needs.

 

Check out some of superdave's post. He's got some great advise.

 

Hang in there, I know it's tough. We've all been there.

[woodc5]

He said he needs time to figure things out, so give him just that. It sucks, I know. I was told the same thing when I was dumped. There's nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. You have to let him figure things out on his own. If you pressure him into being with you, he may hurt you later because he wasn't thinking clearly when he decided to take you back. If he initiates contact with you go ahead and respond, but don't be a safety net and keep it short.

[hellohello1]

ughh..ya it kills..i was feeling better after he contacted me, but just because he misses me (which im assuming because he contacted me) doesnt mean that he wants to be with me. well, he said he needs his time. its hard to just let him go, because when we broke up he said he loved me and just needed time, he said he wasnt going to do anything with other girls (who knows though) and that he is confused, and he needs time to miss me to figure out what he realyl wants. i understand by reading some posts that its best if i just accept its over. its just so hard, especially after he contacted me. i dont think im ready to accept its over. when he broke up with me he said that thers a "distinct possibility" we will get back together. ughh..i know everyone is going to say just move on..its so hard, i dont wanna move on.. im so upset..

[FootofGod]

Yep pretty much say "does that mean you want me back?" If the answer is no, tell them you have no time to play guessing games and you're not the one confused in their life. If they figure out what they want, they know where your door is.

[hellohello1]

yes, that is what iw as planning on doing. but i was going to just wait a couple of more days before doing that. and not doing it in a confrontational way. calling him up and asking if we could meet and talk about things, and then see wehre it goes

[Tired Tiger]

I know it seems like the hardest thing in the world right now, but you have to leave him alone! It's been 4 days. Anything you do or say to try and frantically turn the situation around right now is going to push him away. Do yourself a favor and read these threads:

 

- pay particular attention to Mr soandso and Siberia.

 

- don't push!

 

...i said i was watching the hockey game...

 

Ah... at least the good news here is - GO BLACKHAWKS!

[FootofGod]

Yeah, but isn't telling them not to contact you unless they seriously want to reconcile a big PULL and not a PUSH? You're not asking them back, you're telling them not to come around unless it's for real.

[Tired Tiger]

Yeah, but isn't telling them not to contact you unless they seriously want to reconcile a big PULL and not a PUSH? You're not asking them back, you're telling them not to come around unless it's for real.

 

Actually, the most effective thing to do is not announce anything at all. Pulling is more effective if it's subtle and leaves the other wondering what's going on. In the OP's case, it's WAY too soon after the break up to "do" anything other than back away. Step one is to gain emotional stability. Without that stability, it's impossible to do, say, or strategize anything at all that isn't a push.

[hellohello1]

ok. well i think i will try my hardest to continue with no contact (unless he contacts me, i will end the convo if he doesnt want to talk about us). its extremely hard im finding. we both work in teh same building (not at the same store) and it would take 20 seconds to walk over and say hi and thats been the hardest. i think i will assess the situation again in a few days. eventually we will have to talk. i feel that unless i end up talking to him about us i will not be able to accept that it is over, as bad as it may sound. im gonna give him some more time though, and see what happens i suppose. im really really upset..