Just Looking To Vent a Bit

[TheJerseyKid]

Been a bit since I've created a thread here, here is a cliff note re-cap as far as whats transpired.

 

-Dated for 1.5 years. No major issue as catalyst for break up, we had a pretty immature fight that was 95% my fault, but it was a result of her pulling away gradually over the past month, and I sort of felt it coming. I think subconsciously I pushed it further this time to really see if we were as close to breaking up as I thought, naturally we were.

-7 Weeks ago we broke up (I was dumpee). I begged and pleaded for about an 20 minutes during the break up call, but that was the extent of my begging.

-12 Hours later, next morning, I wrote her about a 1 page e-mail agreeing with the break up, telling her my plans for what I needed to do to improve my life, and asked her not to harbor any bad feelings as I had become a shell of my self due to depression over the past 6 months. She responded immediately and pleasntly, saying she is not going to dwell on the bad stuff, and she wishes me luck with all the things on my list, and that she hopes I can find the best version of my self soon.

-NC for 5 days and she texts me "Good luck at the new job" which I got hired for 2 days prior to break up. I respond 12 hours later "Thanks, went great." She writes "I'm glad it went well!!" I didn't respond to that.

-Next day I get a text around 7pm asking if I had something that belonged to her, after about 2 hours, I responded with a simple "No." She responded immediately and said that she had just found it. (lol).

-10 Days of NC goes by and I get a text from her "Hey just wanted to say Hi and see how you are doing." Initially, I was going to ignore it completely, but about 5-6 days went by and I gave in. I responded with "I'm doing really well, just very busy!" She wrote back right away "Glad to hear it, I thought you were ignoring me We exchanged maybe 3-4 texts each, I just told her vaguely what I've been up to (new job, gym, eating better, making better life decisions.) I told her I had to go after a few minutes as it was my day off and I had lots to do.

-In a moment of weakness, I texted her later that night to make a joke, she laughed and responded right away.

-A week later (almost 3 weeks ago) I texted her to ask her to mail me something I had left there. She replied right away that she would "mail it when she gets paid next week." I think she was fishing here because she was unemployed when we broke up, and I think maybe she wanted me to ask about her job.

-Here we are now, its been 3 weeks, she hasn't mailed the item yet, but It's ok, I don't plan on asking for it again. I'm just wondering if she has truly forgetten about it, or is holding on to it in hopes it gives me a reason to contact her again.

 

Here is how I feel about the situation. I still have some feelings for her, I'm not quite sure to what degree though. Part of me is starting to get the "I'm too good for her" feeling, and the other part of me still wants to try hanging out with her at least once more to see if there is any kind of spark there. I know how awesome and comfortable and great we can be when things are good, unfortunatley, we had a lot of outside stressors and factors working against us. She was in her final semester of college, I was just finishing trade school, had been working a * * * * ty minimum wage job, i was in a partially drug related depression (which I've now cleaned up!). So all in all I'm doing better. So now like I said, were at about 20 days NC, which is the longest we've ever gone since we began "talking" in Dec of 2008. I'm at a point now where the thought of her with another guy is ok with me, but it isin't something I want to hear about/see/whatever. I don't think she is seriously dating anyone, but I'd be a fool to think she hasn't gone out on some sort of date or the sort, I know I have. I just don't know what to do at this point. Do I keep up NC until she contacts me? Do I wait a few more weeks and put a feeler out there for a "Coffee" meet up? I think being that she was the dumper, she should initiate the contact and ask to hang out, but she is a prideful person, and I don't know if she would do it out of fear of rejection.

 

As you can see by my time line, we've had very little contact at all since the break up, and have not seen each other in almost 2 months. So I've played it pretty cool IMO, and maybe she is starting to see that I'm not as clingy as she thought and I can live just fine with out her (because I can!). How do you all think I should handle this?

 

Would just like to add I am 24, shes 26 (same birthday, 2 years apart) and most of her relationships were in the 3-6 month range. Me being the longest at 1.5 years.

[FootofGod]

The minimal contact you did sounds harmless enough. People spout STRICT no contact, but usually that means (1) NO contacting them first and (2) none at all if and only if you don't want them back and are just trying to forget, get past, and not fall in the cycle. I think it's good to respond if they contact you, just not immediately like you are at their whim, and nothing farther than casual and always kind, but not in a love way. My ex always beat herself up about every little thing and just feels awful about breaking up with me, even though I forgave her and told her I want her to be happy before issuing NC for a while. I know she'd hate herself forever if I completely ignored her. You can only pull so far, too. They have to be convinced them that there's still a connection, but that they have no direct control over it.

 

My advice is to keep with what you're doing. Don't seem available or unavailable - just seem like you have your own life. Still, don't contact her first. It seems like things are rolling, if only slowly. The next big words you're looking for are "can I see you" or something to that extent. For now, it seems you've got your stuff together. Don't sweat the minor NC breaks, but don't use it as an excuse to make an actual breach, either

[TheJerseyKid]

Thanks, that is what I needed to hear. The urge to contact her tonight was the strongest its been these past 20 days, but it has since subsided and I am almost ready for bed. I guess I will just keep doing what I have been doing, and not initiate first. Sometimes I forget that even 3 weeks is not that long! Thanks again FoG, you're the man!

[Lastchallenge]

Dude I'm impressed... I really wish I had your thought process through my break.

I would wait n see because to us 20 days seems like much but to the dumper 20 days is like a week... She left so I think it's really up to her to make the first move.

I read that alot of these dumpers are afraid of being rejected and how they have alot of pride... I agree but I also think they has a heart and if in that heart they truly love you they will put that pride aside and find you because if it was the other way around I'm sure you would do so... She left u and It seems to me your willing to put your ego or pride aside for her... So that's a good example

[FootofGod]

The only part that makes it harder for me is she dumped me for another guy... so I definitely have my share of waiting to do There's virtually no chance I won't have to go at least the whole summer with minimal to no contact.

 

I mean, it's hard to swallow - the real deal doesn't even start until after summer when I move out and she's back here at the same school as me, where we'll no doubt have to come in contact. It's so hard not to think about. Right now, I'm feeling exceptionally weak so all these things are coming to me - he married early before, what if he proposes to her and she makes another blunder. It's a sad situation

[Lastchallenge]

Don't worry about ut foot of god what's gonna happen will happen don't ficus on it and try to find an answer because it will only drive u mad... Wait because u never know she might leave him too.... What gies around comes around twice as hard

[FootofGod]

I don't want vengeance or poetic justice - I forgave her. She is free to do as she will without pretending I blame or hate her. It would make me sad to have to watch her make a terrible mistake and pay for it. And the hardest thing for all breakups is the lack of power. I have to let her make that mistake if it comes to that.

 

I'm just slipping a little, but I'm already back up. Time for bed.

[TheJerseyKid]

Dude I'm impressed... I really wish I had your thought process through my break.

I would wait n see because to us 20 days seems like much but to the dumper 20 days is like a week... She left so I think it's really up to her to make the first move.

I read that alot of these dumpers are afraid of being rejected and how they have alot of pride... I agree but I also think they has a heart and if in that heart they truly love you they will put that pride aside and find you because if it was the other way around I'm sure you would do so... She left u and It seems to me your willing to put your ego or pride aside for her... So that's a good example

 

I find it funny how someone can be impressed with my thought process and the way I am handling things, and at the same time, feel so helpless about the whole situation. Thanks for the kind words, really puts things in perspective.