Confused about bf's plans for our future. Advice?

[yah1]

Hi,

 

My bf & I have been dating ~9 months. We are 24 and 26. I'm his first serious relationship. Despite our biggest hurdle (religion) he says he can see himself being with me for the long haul. Yesterday while cuddling I asked him what he sees in our future. (Long ago he told me he wanted to get married and have kids one day.) Yesterday he says he sees himself wanting to get married and have kids "in 4 to 6 or 7 years." He also said he sees us on track to move in together "within 1-2 years." I was like, * * * ??

 

He then explained to me he has a list of things he wants to accomplish first before starting a family. Two of my friends in their early 30s are already taking fertility treatments in order to be able to have kids! That news has seriously been bothering me lately. I said 7 years wouldn't work for me for that reason. I told him I'm not ready for marriage right now but I would like to be in 4 years, have 1-2 years kids-free, and then start having kids in my very early 30s. He seemed very surprise you can get married withing having kids right away! I also made it very clear that I would not move in with anyone prior to my wedding night.

 

He thought about it, then he said "I guess our timelines are the same then, 4 years" since I meant 'marriage' and not 'marriage + kids.' I was totally thrown off by the moving-in comment. His bro, whom he is closest to and looks up to, lives with his gf of 8+ yrs (she's 36) and there is no wedding in sight but I know she wants kids/family. I've always thought -never said it out loud- that if she wanted kids/family then the biggest mistake was moving in without a solid plan in place. I don't want to end up like them. What should I do? Should I bring this up to my bf again? I feel like we just had that talk yesterday so I should let it go for a bit.

 

I guess my question is, should I be worried? About the whole 7-year thing? About how he was expecting us to live together first? Under no circumstances would I continue this relationship if I know for sure he does not plan on getting married before I'm 30 and under no circumstances would I move in with anybody before my wedding night. I also want to make it clear to him that if there is no solid plan in place for us in 3.5 yrs (when I graduate) I would not be willing to stay here just for him. I only came here for grad school and have no family here. So, what should I do? Or, what would you do?

[CSB]

Personally, I think a lot of people feel such a rush to get married and have kids. Maybe, it's just me, but I am in no rush. If you are happy, just enjoy the relationship. If he sees a future and says you will get married and have kids in the future and that's what you want, then what is the rush. It will happen, but it's not a good idea to do something before you both feel 100% ready and if he needs 4 years to get married and then a little longer to have kids, I don't see the problem. If this is really too hard for you to deal with, then I'm afraid you may not be happy with him.

[SocialStigma]

I think it's fine to let it go for a bit, maybe bring it up a couple years down the road again when you guys need to start making some concrete plans for the future.

[RedDress]

Are you going anywhere for the next 3.5 years? No? Then what's the rush?

 

You asked an open-ended question (where do you see our future) - he could have answered anything. If you think about it, your answers were not drastically different.

 

For a relationship of 9 months, I think you are freaking out.

[yah1]

Maybe you guys are right. I'll leave the topic alone for now. I just realllly don't want to end up in my mid-30s, ready to settle down and then find that I may never have kids. I know not everyone have low fertility by 35 but why chance it?

[geekgirl4]

Don't rush things. Do you want someone there to act as your sperm giver? Or do you want someone that you truly wish to spend the rest of your life with and vice versa with him? The future is always going to change, leave things open and just be happy that he still sees you in the picture. You're letting things that haven't happened yet affect your present.

[Taikero]

Me, I won't get married until I've lived with a woman for a while. You can't tell compatibility from just dating when married life is all about living together.

 

Having said that, I am serious about marriage and will marry the right person for me. Just because his brother's girlfriend hasn't gotten married or had kids yet doesn't mean you'll end up in the same boat.

 

 

I think you've got plenty of time to wait this one out. Enjoy the relationship and see where it leads. 3.5 years is a long time for a relationship to blossom or sputter, and I wouldn't try to predict the future so much off one discussion.