Disappointed with love

[Marilou26]

Dear all,

 

Already thank you beforehand for reading my post.

I just wanted to ask you something. I will try to keep it short (but I guess that didn't work ;-)).

 

I am a woman of 30 years old, and in my life I had quite some events happening to me that shaped me into who I am today. My father died when I was young, my mother became quite unstable after that, but more importantly I married a man from a different culture, moved to the other side of the world and the relationship became abuse quite soon. I stayed for 4 years and then left.

 

I am quite anxious and have mood swings, meaning that I can feel really scared when I fall in love with someone (afraid to get hurt and be abandoned) and I also feel anxious about life in general. Yet, I do think I am a fun person to be around most of the time. The thing is that I feel deeply ashamed for who I am, I feel I am not acceptable, not normal and not truly worthy of love. I know this about myself; I have been in therapy several times in my life, so that I can learn to love myself more and deal with my pain without burdening others. It is my pain, and not theirs.

 

Yet, I have experienced that when I start a relationship and I tell my object of affection that I have gone through a lot and that I might be neurotic once in a while, and that when I act "weird" or insecure, that most partners just decide to walk away because it is not "convenient". I myself have stuck with people who were in pain because I thought seeing it through is a healthy way to grow together, but the reverse has never been the case. It makes me feel even more undeserving of love. Is this something of our day and time, that we just stay with people who are easy and fun? What about commitment? What about loving someone who might be broken and in pain? Do people who suffer from past experiences but who are trying to heal not also deserve love and support? Or should they fully heal and then have a relationship? I believe that a big part of healing is having a partner who sticks by me when I am in an anxious state. I am a good person with a good heart. I know there are many people who love me, such as my friends and family, but still I wonder why my ex-boyfriends were never willing to fight for me. It makes me feel worthless. (I guess I relate everything to myself; it might have had nothing to do with me; perhaps they were not capable of supporting me).

 

I just needed to get this out. Thank you. Please note that I am not saying that a partner should heal me, because that is what I should be doing myself. But I do believe that people can heal faster in a warm partnership, where there is mutual give and take. I just am not able to find it. Perhaps it is due to my own fear of intimacy, but I just wish there was someone who would hold on to me long enough so that we can break down my walls together.

 

Thanks,

 

Marilou.

[Kinkz]

Yeh everyone does deserve to be loved but if you look at it from another point of view then you might see that even though everyone does deserve to be loved, it doesn't mean anyone should get bogged down with someone who has issues, is it fair on them? Probably not.

[lucyblue10]

Yes, everyone deserves to be loved. And kudos to you for taking steps (e.g. going to therapy) to deal with your issues.

 

However, from what you say above: that you don't feel you deserve to be loved, if you don't at least like yourself, it's difficult to expect someone else to. It's as if you expect/hope a potential partner to 'save' you.

 

Also, if you tell a potential partner all the awful things you have been through when you first meet, it can be too much information, and maybe you need to let them get to know you first before.

[Kinkz]

Its more damaging telling them things later on and then they RUN off. At least this way she knows beforehand what type of person the other person is.

[karvala]

I am going to make myself unpopular by giving what I see as the cold hard truth here, and while it may not make you feel good, I hope it will be of some use to you. I know it was to me when I realised it.

 

Romantic love is not unconditional, and it is most certainly not charitable. It does not start out as an act of goodwill, it starts out as an act of self-interest. It will hopefully develop into something that includes charity and goodwill when required, but that takes time, and there are always limits on it.

 

When I look back at my life, and when I look at other people I know, I see a clear pattern: people loved me when I was funny, when I was in a good place emotionally, when I was mature, when I was strong. In short, they loved me when I had something to offer them, when I gave them a vision of a better life. People didn't love me when I was a mess, when I needed help. In that case, they pitied me, and the gulf between pity and love is far wider than most people dare to think. You don't get someone to love you by feeling sorry for you, you get them to love you by offering them something good, something that will enhance their life, that they can get only from you.

 

So yes, maybe it is hard, it is cruel that if you feel broken, if you feel a need for love and can't understand why people will not love you no matter how you are or what hand life has dealt you. But a friend of mine used to have a bag with the slogan "The world doesn't owe you a living; it was here first". So it is with other people. Nobody owes you love; if you want it, you must earn it by offering happiness to someone else, not problems.

[Marilou26]

I actually agree with you, Karvala. And that is why I am disappointed People indeed want someone else to make them feel good, and this is why most people fall in love anyway: the other person makes you feel special, wonderful and fully present. What this means is that I can either a) decide to deal with my issues alone despite the fact that I really need a hug and when I am healed prepare myself for love or b) be fully authentic in my pain, stick with it and decide that if no one can love me like this, I do not want anyone after all. This is the real me. The thing is that I have supported partners who were feeling depressed, even in the beginning. The dating world is really tough out here because all we seem to seek is someone to fix us, and if it doesn't match with our ideals, we are disappointed. You are very right about what you say, I know it is the truth and I do not mind hearing it. It still sucks though ;-).

 

The question is now whether I should give up on my love-interest because I am feeling pain from the past and I should heal first, or whether I should hide my pain and pretend I am happy and joyful (i.e. play a game) or whether I should just be authentic and tell him about who I am and what I feel. I chose for the latter, and I expect him to run at any moment. But truly, I believe that a caring man will not run from a woman who is in general joyful but presently going through issues.

 

Thanks!

[Shortpants]

I have always been told, and believe myself, that you cannot be half of a complete relationship without being a complete person yourself. Basically, you have to be happy yourself before you can be truly happy with another. If you break it right down, if you are unhappy with where you are in your life at this moment, and all the baggage that goes along with that, unresolved issues, faking being happy, etc. how can you expect someone else to be ahppy with you if you are incomplete?

 

It sounds as if you are taking the steps and making great strides in getting yourself to be a whole person, but I wonder if the repeated failures in relationships are due to more than just the other person "running away". This doesn't mean you are destined to be alone until the end of time. Once in a while you will find someone that will love you for exactly what you are... dents and dings and everything. Like you said, a caring person that will not run from a person with some issues. Really, we all have issues, to varying degrees. If everyone ran from issues, the human race would die out as no one would be procreating!! LOL

 

Good for yo uin taking steps to deal with your issues. You should be proud that you are facing this and taking steps to get better. Stay strong and good things will come!