Could sure use some advice...

[mdp0858]

Hi --

 

I have been with my boyfriend for a decent amount of time. We have been "official" for almost two years, but in total it has been 2.5 years.

 

When we first started dating, I didn't expect to see him every day because just like I said...we were just starting to see each other. As things progressed, we started to hang out every weekend and then maybe a day during the week. These days, we still mostly have the weekends, and maybe a day or two during the week, and that's me getting to join him and his friends at happy hour.

 

I'm at a point where I want more, but I think he's happier than ever with this little arrangement we have. He spends a ton of time out with his friends, and I feel like I'm the lowest priority on his list. All his other actions are VERY thoughtful, suggesting that he does want to be with me. He tells me that he never wants us to break up (we can't move in or get married for now because we work together). But geez, what I'm really missing is that "normal stuff." I want us to cook dinner and watch tv. I would even be okay with him still going out quite a bit as long as the nights he didn't were with me. Instead, he's home alone "laying low" since he partied the previous night.

 

Am I asking for too much, or am I not high enough on the priority list??

 

I pulled out my calendar to see our routine the past couple of weeks, and here is his life, so to speak

 

5/4 Friend in town (I got to meet up with them for dinner at 9)

5/5 Friend in town, he went out with her

5/6 Him home alone

5/7-5/10 We went out of town together to see his family

5/11 Him home alone

5/12 Out with the guys

5/13 Out with one guy

5/14 Out with one guy; said I had been invited to go but I didn't know that...

5/15 Out with the guys during the day; picked him up at 10 that night

5/16 Just me and him killing a Sunday together

5/17 Him home alone

5/18 Out with the guys

5/19 Out with one guy

 

At what point does a girlfriend become the top priority? How much time should I expect to get???

[mdp0858]

By the way, sometimes I end up going out on those nights too. If he calls or texts and says he's meeting friends, I may try to make plans of my own.

 

However, even when I do have people inviting me to do stuff, if he wants to see me, I make it my priority and don't go do other things.

[pumpkinmoon]

Nah I really wouldn't be happy with that. All those times you listed as out with the guys or one guy should have been time with you, the times you listed with you should have been out with the guys. Really doesn't look like you get to see him much at all.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Have you told him "I want to spend more time together just hanging out"?

 

If so, how did those talks go?

[hexaemeron]

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable schedule to me. You already work together so you're seeing him or around him more than that schedule implies. You don't want to oversaturate your presence.

[preciousgirl82]

You cant rush a guy to be ready for a more serious relationship. Thats something that has to come with time when he is 100% ready. Naturally women mature faster than men so you're probably ready to do all of these domesticated things with him (cooking together etc.) but he still wants to maintain his freedom and hang out with friends. Unfortunately, theres nothing that you can do. You will have to either accept where he is in his life right now or find someone who wants the same thing that you do.

[TechResQ]

By the way, sometimes I end up going out on those nights too. If he calls or texts and says he's meeting friends, I may try to make plans of my own.

 

However, even when I do have people inviting me to do stuff, if he wants to see me, I make it my priority and don't go do other things.

 

I think it is a good thing that you are going out when he says he's going out, instead of sitting at home (that would just compound the problem). I don't think you are being unreasonable and no, it does not seem that you are high on his priority list to do things with.

 

Maybe he feels like since he sees you everyday at work, then he feels like he can get some free time to see his friends too??? Just a thought.

 

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel a little insignificant in his social life?

 

Maybe he doesn't realize how it makes you feel.

[mdp0858]

I have mentioned it before, and he says, "you don't always have to be 'invited' over here...you have a key." Or "if I'm home bored and a friend asks me to do something, why shouldn't I?" Or "you don't have to always be 'invited' to come meet me out."

 

First, I'm not going to show up at his house unannounced. I think that's wrong. Second, I agree why be bored if you don't have to, but let's have some us time too. Last one, again, not going to just show up! He texted me one of those days and said "at X restarant having a drink." (thats the one I said I didn't know I was invited). He said I should have come. But he didn't ask and was there with a friend.

 

As for the work thing... I pass him in the hall prob twice a day, and that is the extent of it.

 

I know I can't make him do something dfferent. Just venting and want some much-needed perspective from you all.

 

BTW, he is 43 and I'm 32....not sure how much more mature can get!

[hexaemeron]

After "seriously dating" for two years? Really? It sounds like you might be as much of an obstruction to quality time as you perceive him to be.

[TechResQ]

Maybe you should try just showing up and see what happens! So the next time he is out and he tells you where he is, pop in! See how he acts, if he is happy and excited to see you, then problem solved...you really are welcome to join him. If he acts perturbed and put out by you showing up, then maybe it's time to re-think your relationship and sit him down and have a serious talk.

 

A really good friend just recently told me that when we place our own expectations on others, we are surely to be let down at some point.

 

Just my two cents.

[mdp0858]

Hmmm. I suppose there is some merit in that... I do like that saying from your friend a lot.

 

I just DO NOT ever want to be somewhere I'm not wanted. That is an awful feeling. And I also don't want to be shot down. If I call and suggest something and he has plans, I feel foolish.

[TechResQ]

Hmmm. I suppose there is some merit in that... I do like that saying from your friend a lot.

 

I just DO NOT ever want to be somewhere I'm not wanted. That is an awful feeling. And I also don't want to be shot down. If I call and suggest something and he has plans, I feel foolish.

 

My friend is a very, very wise man. ;-)

 

Don't feel foolish. Hey, at least YOU are extending the invitation. Right!? Right.

 

You will be able to tell right away if you are not welcome or wanted there...then you know what you do? You turn right around and leave graciously, without making a scene and say, "well, I have another place to stop by, but I just wanted to drop in and say Hi, since you told me I am welcome anywhere you go. Have fun and I will talk to you later!" Then, like I said, smile and leave graciously and like a lady. Then when you get in your car you can let out your steam.

[SpottiOtti]

I think you should turn the tables on him. Stop asking him to do stuff and start making your schedule as busy as his is. In fact, the next couple of times he asks you to do something, have plans already. Put him in exactly the same place on your priorities list that you are on his. By doing these things, you are a. Ensuring that you are experiencing a fulfilling life as an individual, and

b. Seeing whether this man cares enough about your relationship to notice that you have stopped making him your number one priority.

 

Just what I would do. I realise it's not for everyone. Good luck.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree with Hex and Tech. Sometimes guys can be reluctant to push for more time together, especially at the level you guys are seeing each other AND given that you work together. But that doesn't mean they are opposed to more time together. His offer of an open invitation to meet him out with friends is a good sign. You do have his key, and in guy speak, that's usually an open invitation to show up unannounced. I think after 2+ years, you should be comfortable enough to push that envelope.

[geekgirl4]

Just because you see someone at work everyday doesn't mean there's any quality time involved. Passing each other in the hallway doesn't count. Eating lunch together counts. It won't hurt for you to show up at his place. It won't hurt to ask him to spend more time together. It could be he just assumed you were ok with the current schedule. Casually ask him for more.

[Cognitive_Canine]

After "seriously dating" for two years? Really? It sounds like you might be as much of an obstruction to quality time as you perceive him to be.

 

Actually, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and I still don't like just showing up unannounced unless I have a present. He's the same way.

 

I also don't like calling and saying 'can I come over?'.

 

We've slowly gotten over this since we see each other every day. But, when we started seeing each other frequently, we still called and asked each other or let them know that they were invited.