Don't know what to call it : (

[g84]

I initially wrote this last friday, but i still feel the same way tonight.

This will probably not be coherent either

 

As strange or silly as it sounds, i worry that spending time on the internet has done a lot of damage to me. Whenever i have the time, i do some reading online. Ena is one of the main places i've been visiting for a while, but before then, i had looked through other places.

 

In the past i've had some negative experiences on other websites (sites intended for offering advice - but there was very little respect between people there). I feel that i've come accross a lot of negativity that i wasn't really anticipating.

 

I now feel almost poisoned by some of the things i've come accross in the past few years. I should not let things get to me like this.

Just as an example : i'm not experienced with sex, and i've seen so many insults or judgements about this kind of thing in the past

Maybe i was living under a rock before i saw all of these things, but the people in my life didn't judge me or make me feel inferior.

 

Now i have all of these hurtful words living in me. It's very hard for me to shake it off, and i fear that it has really messed with my view of myself (and others). I don't think i've been the same again.

 

How could i let these things get to me? I don't know, either.

 

I have become used to Ena, but i don't really imagine being able to continue coming here after a while. I try to offer my perspective wherever i can, but i sometimes feel out of place because the majority of people here have experienced certain things that i have not, and i always fear that i will see an insult towards someone who is similar to me. I probably wouldn't say much, but i know that it would always hit me hard.

 

It doesn't happen on here as much as it has on other places, but i always seem to expect it now. It will only continue to hurt me more..and i can't feel comfortable anymore.

I realize that there is nothing anyone can do.

 

When i felt really alone and depressed (especially within the past year), Ena was what kept me company, and i don't know what to do anymore now that i realize how different i feel

[Rosee]

I don't think you're alone in feeling this way..sometimes it's very judgemental on forums but that's because it's anonymous and people can say what they want without any real repercussions.

 

I guess you have to remember that people posting, while they may write in such a way as to sound very sage and wise or clever are just as messed up/flawed/whatever as anyone else and they don't know everything and that it's better to try not to live by 'should's' too much..eg I should have this much experience or have done this or that..that's the advice my therapist gave me and I always feel better when I'm just doing my own thing and not comparing myself to others, though I forget sometimes.

 

Perhaps you could decide to take a break for a while and find something 'real world' to do instead and then when you are online try only to go on sites that are lighthearted and fun and make you feel good.