Need advice to understand him !!

[jaiguru]

I have been communicating with my friend for nearly since mid sept. we met at thansgiving and spent some time (5 days, ofcourse I stayed in hotel)together. At christmas time he expressed his interest that he wants me to be in his life. In Jan we sent pic to our parents and got their approval for marriage. He is 43 yr and never had a girl friend. I am 38 yr and we both have same spiritual path and interests in nature etc. He even proposed marriage and made some plans and discussed with me. We were talking on skype and seeing each other since christmes 6 days a week and suddenly in the third week of april after a few weeks of discussing marriage. He sends a email that he needs a break in the communication and that he needs to ponder if we were well matched. Upon asking what is bothering he just says that he thinks we are not well matched. I told him lets discuss but he doesnt open up. Also ours is long distance relationship (2200 miles). when he spoke on the last day on skype he was very normal as usual, he was not upset, and had sweet smile on his face as usual. He didnt give the slighest clue that it was going to be the last day to see him or talk to him on skype.

 

Finally after 2 weeks of absolutely no communication (no email, phone, skype) he sends a message that he wants to preserve the friendship but without the potential of marriage and let things unfold naturally.

 

Upon asking what is bothering him, he says he thinks that we are not well matched.

 

I was heart broken imagining all the possible reasons that might have hurt him, and blaming myself. I didnt find any major reason that he could get upset with me. Although I didnt say anything to him I was very disturbed and missed him. My friends advised me to express what I was feeling I wrote a message that I love him and miss him and my parents are dreaming of our marriage and asking when we would marry and that it wont be possible to think of us as just friends as he has suggested. I said I wish to see him on skype because he didnt give me a chance to even say a proper bye. But he even didnt grant my wish to see him on skype. To my mail he replied that he appreciates my interest and sincerity but that I should accept the fact that he is on retreat about this matter and that pressing him will not do any good. And prays that God give me understanding, patience and detachment. I dont know what is going on in his mind.

 

He decided not to see me and didnt give me a clue and never appears again on skype. I feel that he is not forth right and selfish to treat me this way. Why doesnt he just discuss and see if we could make it work, and if we cannot then say that we dont match and conclude the relationship. Why doesnt he come on skype discuss and say goodbye. I dont insist that he marry me but I just want to know the reason and discuss to see if that can be worked out otherwise he can just say goodbye and leave. Hope I am not asking too much. I am being quite reasonable.

 

He proposed marriage and oulined the plans. And now suddenly without telling any reason just says I think we are not well matched. I wish he came forward and just tell the reason and have a discussion. I told him the same that we should discuss but he never responds to my request for discussion. Can anyone help me understand.

 

Sorry I could not write in a more organized way as my mind is disturbed.

Thank you for your advice in advance.

[Citlali]

Why doesnt he just discuss and see if we could make it work, and if we cannot then say that we dont match and conclude the relationship.

 

 

He did say you weren't a good "match" and concluded the marriage relationship. That he didn't want to end the friendship doesn't mean he is tying to use or confuse you--on the contrary, he has distanced himself to not give you false hope. He was pretty clear about not wanting to marry you, what else do you want? Not being a good match is the reason why he won't marry you. It really doesn't matter if he gives you details about it (which might just hurt you more), because he will still feel that way. If he has told you talking about it won't do any good and that he has made his decision, don't press the issue. It seems that even though you say you don't want to force him to marry you, how you act and what you says shows the opposite. What you want out of talking with him is for him to go back on his decision, but that's not the right path to take. I think you should try dating around so you can see the world won't end just because this guy wasn't the one. Look elsewhere and be happy.

 

This seems like a semi-arranged marriage--you got to choose the guy and he the girl, but you still got your parents' approval. Am I correct?

[jaiguru]

Thank you JennBarr, I agree with what you said but I am still a little curious to know the exact reason for his feeling that we are not well matched. I would always be wondering what the reason is. But you are right he just wants to avoid to prevent hurting me. But I wish he could just let me see him one last time to say a proper goodbye atleast. Because we have so much in common and we had many goodtime together. He decided to marry me and so asking our parents was the last step before we got married.

[Citlali]

A proper goodbye is when you understand and accept it is a goodbye and that you have to move on. You don't have to see him or hear him, that's not what makes it a proper goodbye. You can say, "I enjoyed knowing you and the fact that we had a lot in common. I will keep the memories with me forever. Goodbye and good luck" in a message, and that would be just fine. You have to understand he doesn't want to talk about it or see you and in the end what matters is that this is over. Seeing him won't change it and asking him over and over to see you will just aggravate the situation. I know you're curious, but you can't force him to give details, and in the end that wouldn't change anything. If you're worried it might be something "bad" about you, I'd stop worrying now. If it were bad, this would have ended differently. It seems he thinks you're a perfectly good person--just not for him. Accept it, message him one last time if you can't help yourself, and then heal and move on and start over with someone else.