The One that Fizzled Away

[RyanGeist]

Hi everyone. As you can see by my post count, I’m new here. Actually, this is my first ever post on eNotalone. I’m posting here because, perhaps not surprisingly, I’ve run into some problems in my love life. And I’ve been looking over lots of other posts in this forum, and reading a lot of helpful responses from a lot of nice people, and thought I would give it a shot. You all have a nice community going and should be proud of it.

 

Word of caution, this is a long post. If you want the abridged version, head to the last several paragraphs.

 

November 2009, in many respects, was not a good month. I’d been scraping by on unemployment checks and my family’s good will since getting canned in January from a job as a newspaper reporter in a rural Americana. I’d been living with my mother since then, which saved my ass, but not my morale. Dating had been a bust since July - when my girlfriend at the time ended our four year relationship in a text message. Yes, you’re reading correctly. A text message.

 

I began going to a local writer’s group that month for - you may have heard - National Write a Novel Month. And there she was, a soft-spoken, pleasant girl with short hair in a ponytail and milky skin. She wore black because that was her dancing uniform. She taught and took dance lessons for bollywood and bellydance. She also administered classes of children as a part-time substitute teacher.

 

Her face was flawless, with long but elegant eyebrows, eyes like two large cups of cappuccino, and fixed expression of pleasant contemplation. She spoke carefully and mannerly, and was provoked into a fit of giggles when I pried from her hands a book of naughty Japanese words that she was too embarrassed to pronounce to the rest of the group. (The book belonged to someone else)

 

Our first date began with a quasi-hippy sandwich shop and ended with a kiss. Vast spaces of time vanished when we shared thoughts about books, writing, psychology, human behavior, and the matters of our lives. She told me that she recently ended a relationship with a Muslim man who wanted her to be someone who she could never be, and that she would never be accepted by his family. She pulled up stakes from a job she really loved and excelled at, in a cosmopolitan college town she grew to adore, to move to my hometown to be with this man.

 

I gave her an engraved necklace, told her I loved her and wanted to be her boyfriend, right when the fireworks went off on New Year’s. Our love life accelerated - she got me into dancing, which I discovered to be thrilling. We edited our writing together, and she said she felt so close to me and happy when we did that. We read books about lovemaking together and had pillow talks that lasted until 3am. She asked me to draw on her back something lovely, and I did, and she loved it. She snuggled close to me, told me how handsome I was, how she liked my green eyes, my ripe lips, how sexy I was. She buried her face in my chest, inhaled as if she were taking a breath after being submerged forever, and said “I love your smell. There’s something about your smell.”

 

One night in late February, she was helping me with a graduate school admission letter, and when we took a break, she told me to join her on the couch. She stroked my hair and confided in me that she couldn’t handle a long distance relationship, that distance wasn’t something she could cope with. We were both inevitably going to leave the town - me for graduate school, and her likely for a job elsewhere. “This means you’re braking up with me,” I said. “Not now. But you’re telling me our relationship has an expiration date.” I was half-way to ending our relationship there, but she held on to me, cried in my chest, and I gave up trying.

 

I decided to stay in the relationship, a feeling of uneasiness also stayed.

 

March, she applied for a job at a newspaper in her rural home town, and landed it. She was in good spirits on our last date, although I had a bad case of melancholy that I couldn’t shake. The first weekend after she moved, we met up in her old town - the college town - and she showed me around her stomping ground, sipped coffee with me Turkish café, and took pictures of me in the park. We passed through a small, ancient church on the campus, and later in the evening when we were lying together, I couldn’t keep a secret about it. “Just tell me, because maybe I’m already thinking of it,” she said. So, I said “You know, I imagined us getting married in that church.” “Maybe not in that church,” she said, “but yes, I think about it sometimes.”

 

April, we continue commuting to see each other. One weekend she comes up here, the other I drive the four hours to visit her. We never really had long phone conversations, and it didn’t seem she liked talking on the phone. On later visits there was sometimes a slight sense of estrangement, which was hard to shake. Sometimes, I feared for our connection to each other and become serious and have a hard time making things fun. “Try to act like it’s our first date,” she said to me. I wasn’t able to, but after enough time I felt connected again, and by Sunday I’d leave her town with a heart full of hope.

 

On the last day of April, she drove the four hours to my home and hugged me. Usually it was a kiss, but I understood that she had a long, bad day, and thought the kiss would come after she decompressed. So we talked in my bed, very close, her combing her fingers through my hair, but yet feeling distant. “I don’t feel I know you anymore,” she said. “I know it’s odd at first,” I pleaded, “but it will get better in time. It always does.”

 

I told her that I had plucked my eyebrows. “That’s not like you,” she said, getting up to leave to the bathroom. Except it was, and I got chills. When she came back, she sat next to me and began to hold onto me, saying “This relationship isn’t fulfilling anymore.”

 

“I don’t deserve this,” I said. “I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I shouldn’t constantly have to convince you to stay with me.” “I know you do,” she said. I then realized what she was doing, and looked into her eyes like a person looks through their windshield as they’re about to hit another car head-on. I could tell what was about to happen, so I broke down, sobbing in her lap. She petted my head.

 

I pleaded with her. “Just stay the night,” I said. “You drove so far. It’s late. Just stay the night, and then decide in the morning.” She shook her head.

 

“Was it because I held back?” I asked. “Was it because I was afraid, and held back?” “No,” She said. “I’m not strong enough.” Realizing the futility of the moment, I stopped crying and hardened up. “You’re weak.” And for the first time, her eyes reddened and she cried. “I know. You were wrong about me. I told you before that I didn’t want a long distance relationship, but I did it for you.”

 

“I’ll never say anything bad about you,” she said, packing her things. She stopped only to say “I know I’m going to regret this. I can already feel it.” “Yes,” I said. “You will.” She left silently and didn’t look me in the eyes.

 

Two days later, a call. “I’m kind of in a panic right now,” she said. “My mother just came down with bacterial meningitis and she is quarantined in the hospital right now. I was with her and I might have it, too. And I was with you, too, so I wanted to let you know.”

 

“Well, thanks,” I said, being polite, but not much else. “I appreciate it. I’ll go and have myself checked out.” I jokingly added, “A trip to the clinic is a lot less expensive than a trip to the hospital,” trying to lighten the mood. She laughed. “You’ll call me and let me know how you’re doing, right?” she said. “Why?” I asked. “Well, I still care about you!” “Ok,” I said, and the line went quiet for an uncomfortable moment. “I have to get ready for work now. Bye.” And I hung up.

 

I scheduled an appointment, but cancelled because I never come down with the symptoms. I didn’t tell her any of this, but I don’t want to. It would be too difficult for me.

 

It’s been almost two weeks since then, and I’m struggling.

 

I’m not naïve enough to believe that just because I’m nice to a woman that she’s obligated to stick around or love me. Love takes more than that. I’m just struggling with why or how she would get rid of a boyfriend who loved and cherished her, who she had things in common with, who she had fun with, who always cared about her, was thinking about her, who she couldn’t part with for a moment at the onset of the relationship, and especially now that she’s moved to a rural area where there’s hardly a dating pool that suits her. Was I inadvertently a rebound guy?

 

She told me once that she was worried about becoming old (she’s 26, I’m 24). That long ago, she had the notion that she would meet a sweetheart in college and marry that person, and that didn’t happen. That she was approaching some kind of age where everyone around her was married and she wasn’t. And yet, she dumps her loyal boyfriend, when there’s probably not a whole lot of options around, and for what? To probably date another guy who she’ll just dump as she moves on to her next job, far, far away? What kind of plan is that? It doesn’t make any rational sense.

 

My feelings towards her are gone now. In some ways I consider this a bad thing, because I wonder if it means there wasn’t much to grab on to in the first place. But then I consider how bitter I am over this, and think it’s only normal. I look back, especially towards the end, and reflect on how hard I tried, how much I thought I loved, and how little she seemed into me anymore and how maybe she wasn’t that great of a girlfriend.

 

The whys of this nag me incessantly and undermine my feelings of self-worth and my happiness.

 

There is something specific I want to ask the community. I’ve read of this eight-week rule, where it is hypothesized that if a man dumps a woman out of not caring for her any longer, then in many cases, after eight weeks this male becomes alerted to her loss and attempts to get her back. Would this apply for a female? Does it seem likely to you that she’ll try to get me back?

 

As a general rule, I don’t give second chances. And I have no desire to try to rekindle a relationship with a woman who took me for granted. So I would never agree to a relationship if she were to call and try to re-establish one (even a friendship). But I’m haunted by the notion that I’m not even worth that call. I want her to miss me, I think she deserves to miss me, and as sick as it is, I want that phone call.

 

Thank you all, and take care.

[lavenderdove]

There is no such thing as an '8 week rule'... every relationship is different. Some get back together right away, some after a long time, and most never.

 

Your story sounds more like she just wasn't ready to get married to anyone, or decided before she left that you weren't the person she wanted to be with permanently. People who do love each other endure all kinds of separations, and 4 hours isn't insurmountable. They also make plans to move together because they want to be together. She could have chosen to move with you to where your school will be if she really loved you and wanted to be with you.

 

I think the point is that she enjoyed the relationship, but she decided at some point it wasn't going anywhere, but was willing to nurse it along for a while until she left town. Some people can't go very long without a boyfriend/girlfriend, so even if they've made up their mind it won't go anywhere, they will stay with the old partner until they meet someone new or there is a breaking point such as a move elsewhere. Then they find someone in the new town and don't look back.

 

I think you're viewing this as 'she really loved me and i don't understand why she left', when i think a more accurate view would be, 'she decided she didn't want me for a long term partner and left'. So you could be the best boyfriend in the world, and if she decided she didn't want you as a long term partner (for whatever reason), her moving away was a convenient breaknig point. She was showing signs long before she left that it wasn't going anywhere, and just waited until a convenient time to leave.

 

People want what they want, and if she decided she didn't want it for any reason (valid or not), then you just have to let her go. So this isn't about your ego needing to be pacified by her calling in 8 weeks, because it wasn't that you're a bad boyfriend or anything else. She just made a choice for herself, for her own reasons, and sadly, you can't control that. She may have enjoyed the relationship very much, but if she decided she wanted something different, that is her choice.

[RyanGeist]

Thanks your your words, Lavender.

 

She could have chosen to move with you to where your school will be if she really loved you and wanted to be with you.

 

Before she had met me, she was dating this other man for about a year in my hometown. She moved her whole life over to be with him, and her life wasn't very satisfying here. She began to resent him for convincing her to leave a life she really loved to be with him, and that she could never let herself do something like that again.

 

I think the point is that she enjoyed the relationship, but she decided at some point it wasn't going anywhere, but was willing to nurse it along for a while until she left town. Some people can't go very long without a boyfriend/girlfriend, so even if they've made up their mind it won't go anywhere, they will stay with the old partner until they meet someone new or there is a breaking point such as a move elsewhere. Then they find someone in the new town and don't look back.

 

I think you're viewing this as 'she really loved me and i don't understand why she left', when i think a more accurate view would be, 'she decided she didn't want me for a long term partner and left'. So you could be the best boyfriend in the world, and if she decided she didn't want you as a long term partner (for whatever reason), her moving away was a convenient breaking point. She was showing signs long before she left that it wasn't going anywhere, and just waited until a convenient time to leave.

 

You know, I think you have a point there. It's hard to accept this, because she seemed so attentive at the start. It doesn't seem right that someone could drag someone along, when they know full well that their partner is into them more than they're into the partner, and that it's not going to last as long as the other person thinks it is. It was extremely selfish.

 

And it's dishonest because those weren't the answers she gave me as to why we were breaking up. She said "I'm not strong enough," and "I [only] tried this because of you." It was never "I don't really see you as a long-term partner," or "We really aren't compatible." She gave the impression that the relationship fizzled out on its on accord, rather than she actually had been making conscious decisions all along and it was finally coming to a head. That's just cruel and cowardly.

 

Then it wasn't really about loving me at all, it would seem. It was about fulfilling a temporary need. Then again, what is love, right?

[jogirl]

I want to start off by saying I applaud you for being able to be so open and forthcoming with something that painful. I went through something quite similar, years ago, and I remember spending hours and hours wondering "why". I kept thinking that if I could just ask him that question, it would give me the closure I needed. The longer I didn't get the answer I thought I needed to so badly, the more angry and bitter I became, until one day I realized, too late, that I had let that experience change me into someone I wasn't very proud of. So, I'm hoping I can offer some words of advice - don't let this experience change you into someone who's jaded and angry - instead, use it as a learning experience. As hokey as it sounds, it's true. From the qualities you exhibited in your post, you have absolutely no reason to question your self worth. The qualities you showed are what most of us are looking for in a relationship - openess, trust, honesty, caring, friendship, and respect. And while it's hard not to think, "why wasn't I good enough, or what did I do wrong" - the sad fact is, we can give someone all of ourselves, including our love, and they may not feel the same way. It's hard, and painful to accept, that although some relationships feel so "right" at the time, they don't always end up staying that way.

It's certainly not "sick" to want her to miss you, and want you back - as human beings, it's in our very nature to feel needed, wanted, and most especially, loved - we naturally want others to see our worth and feel "lucky" to have us. If you do get that call from her, and you decide to try again, just make sure that you're doing it for the right reason - that it's truly what you want. I hope this was helpful.

[RyanGeist]

Jogirl, thank you so much for taking the time to read and give me your experience and advice.

 

So, I'm hoping I can offer some words of advice - don't let this experience change you into someone who's jaded and angry - instead, use it as a learning experience.

 

You say it's hokey, but it's not. It is real advice, and it is practical and necessary.

 

Several days ago, I decided to be happy. What I mean by that is taking control of my emotions, finding the best in every situation, and realizing that while people can lie, cheat, steal and generally mistreat the other but that is no excuse not to appreciate others as unique individuals who deserve attention and love. Life can suck, it's easy to grow thick skin and be bitter, but I chose to be happy. I decide to smile, to borrow a line from a really famous historical dude, not because it is easy but because it is hard.

 

Of course, my emotions come in tsunamis, and when the tide rushed out yesterday I had a setback and wrote this post. I'm almost through the worst and am ready to be happy again. I am going to keep trying.

 

It's certainly not "sick" to want her to miss you, and want you back - as human beings, it's in our very nature to feel needed, wanted, and most especially, loved - we naturally want others to see our worth and feel "lucky" to have us.

 

It does sicken me a little bit because I shouldn't be judging my self worth by the perceptions of others. It's hard not to care about the opinion, though, when you've opened up to them, given them everything you have, every last drop and even some drops you didn't know you had left in you, and it doesn't make a difference.

 

At the onset she was surprised, even suspicious, at how easy it was for me to open to her after only five months since that big, 4-year relationship imploded. But I was ready, and I really, really liked her and shared my life with her. So, yeah, it is hard. It feels like everything about me is rejected at once.

 

If you do get that call from her, and you decide to try again, just make sure that you're doing it for the right reason - that it's truly what you want. I hope this was helpful.

 

I don't think I could ever go back to her. Not because I hate her, or didn't enjoy the time I spent with her, but it's my opinion that people should only give each other one chance. There's so many other people in the world and so little time to live, that I don't think it's reasonable to hold out for a person who's not giving it their all. Also, if it was an accepted dating practice not to give second chances ever, I think people would treat each other better and not take each other for granted. So I make a stand for that moral reason.

 

More specifically, she was always trying to make really big changes in her life, things that she'd try to shift her paradigm for. Spiritual, physical, emotional, dietary, religious, etc etc etc. Every other week, it seemed, she'd set these big goals. And she would always give up soon after. And while her attempts were noble, I always try to improve myself as well, it seemed like she didn't know who she really was. Like she was trying to find an identity, always re-invent herself.

 

I feel as if she made me one of her failed experiments. I served a purpose, and when the purpose no longer suited her... my job was done. If that's what someone wants, then so be it - but let the other know they may just be a toy.

[mercurial100]

I just wanted to write to let you know that I understand how you feel! I am so pleased to read that you have lost the feelings for your Ex - my Ex of two years (living together) left me last week, completely out of the blue and with our future plans still very much planned, just in tatters.

 

 

The fact you don't have the feelings for her now is telling...I'd give anything to be at that point so please take strength from this.

 

I know how you long for "that" phonecall - I want the same thing (it's also been two weeks!) but whilst I want it I am, at the same time, dreading it.

 

I would do anything to have her back but it's wrong for me to take her back. Like you I gave everything but she just didn't want me, it didn't "work out" and whilst the wise words offer no comfort whatsoever at the moment we have one thing in common, our relationship just "wasn't meant to be".

 

Keep you head up. My friends have been fantastic and have been there for me (they live all over the country so I don't get to see them much but they call several times a day) and I feel if I was to take her back I would be letting them down - I also have my self-pride to think about. I hope you can also relate to this.

 

My favourite quote is below. Wise words, advice and help don't seem to do anything for me during these dark days but this quote always seems to ring true...

 

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each and every time we fall"

 

Good Luck!

[YakasJourney]

Sorry this happened. She was probably afraid to hurt you. This experience will make you more cautious but also more mature. Nothing is ever guaranteed in this world. Life is always in flux.