Boyfriend's past crush/love

[PinkAngel]

Hello. I have a bit of a problem and I am hoping to get advice on how to deal with it. I have been in a relationship with a great guy for over 10 months. The problem is that he used to have a really big crush on someone else. She was unavailable so they just stayed friends, but he really like her as a person and was very attracted to her. You could say she was his first love/huge crush. The woman moved away but they continued to email each other. I met him several months after she moved away. A couple of months after we started dating, I asked him if he still liked her and he said yes, but that he liked me more. Then I asked him a few months after that if he still had feelings for her and he said that his feelings were going away and he thinks he's almost over her. I then asked if he saw her again if those feelings for her would come back (because he hasn't seen her). He said he doesn't know because he hasn't seen her in over a year. They email each other once every couple of months (mostly her emailing him to see how he is because she considers him an acquaintance) but that's all. I don't think she is interested in him as anything more than friends because she ha a boyfriend. He says he doesn’t feel anything when she emails him.

 

It bothers me that he doesn't know if his feelings for her would come back. I feel like he should know. He said they probably won't but even if they did, he still loves me and only me and that he never felt this way about anyone before (I am his first relationship). But I am still bothered by the fact the he had a very long crush on her and he isn't sure if those feelings would come back if he saw her, even though he doesn't think of her that way anymore. Even though he really liked me when we met, he still had some feelings for her, despite the fact that they never dated. It took him a while to get over her (and I can't say for sure that he is, but he says he thinks he is). He said he can't know what feelings, if any would come back if he saw her but that even if they did, it would not change how he feels about me and that he loves me very much. Any advice, please?

[minou]

You're being really unreasonable and silly. It is very rare to be with someone who hasn't had a crush or been in love with someone before you. Live in the present. His feelings for you are what matters. He says he loves you and you only. Don't look for trouble where it doesn't exist.

[Whiskers]

Think yourself lucky he's telling you, everyone has crushes, even newly weds...most people just smile their way through it and move on. Love is not the same as like. It's these moments that some might say "the grass appears to be greener on the otherside" but he isn't looking to cross the bridge.

XX

[dave_49]

if he has u why he need contact with her?

[Jd1983]

Everyone has past crushes/loves at one point in time.

 

While I give him credit for telling you the truth, the main thing I'm concerned about would be why he is still being friends with her?

 

What good will ever come out of that? Him still remaining friends with someone who he has feelings for whilst in a relationship with someone he supposedly love?

 

Personally, I wouldn't want my bf remaining in contact with someone he still has feelings for. In my opinion, that's how you get over someone, by going no contact with them.

[teabee]

I'm with Jd and the other posters-- first of all, don't get tied up in a knot over past crushes, because it's you he's with and it's you he loves. Second of all, I wouldn't want my bf maintaining a close connection with someone he's into.

[PinkAngel]

Thanks, everyone. I don't think they are close at all. Most times that they've been in contact has been her emailing him to say hi and see how he is. She also called him to wish him a happy birthday and invited him to visit her (she lives in a neighboring state). She has lots of male friends despite the fact that she's in a relationship. He didn't visit her and has no plans on doing so. He says he "thinks" he is over her and doesn't even think about her but that if he ever saw her again, he is not sure if anything would come back, it may not, but he can't say for sure since he hasn't seen her. They only contact they've had over the past year was emails once every couple of months.

 

I did ask him why he needed to stay in contact with he if he still had some feelings for her (this was a couple of months after we started dating) and he told me that she's just a friend and he doesn't think of her as anything more than that and sees no problem being friends with her. He didn't think it was a big deal that he still had feelings for her at the time because they were not the same feelings he had for her before he met me and that while he and I were together he was not interested in her. If he and I broke up and she wanted to be with him, then he'd do it, but never while we're together because I'm the one he wants.

[nickelbynickel]

I get so angry when my boyfriend talks to girls he had a relationship with/feelings for. But I have no right to tell him who he can and can't talk to if he's being faithful. I'm an extremely jealous person, however. He's being honest which is amazing. Most guys wouldn't admit to having feelings for another girl. Be thankful for your man, he honestly sounds wonderful. A few harmless e-mails probably won't hurt anything, but I'd be PISSED if they hung out. Don't let that happen.

[Agaue]

You're being really unreasonable and silly. It is very rare to be with someone who hasn't had a crush or been in love with someone before you. Live in the present. His feelings for you are what matters. He says he loves you and you only. Don't look for trouble where it doesn't exist.

 

Not necessarily. It depends on how obsessive the crush was. My husband of 25 years (30 years total of "exclusive" relationship) recently went to our 30th High School Reunion and saw his first (obsessive) crush, a girl who acted like she was crazy about him, but wouldn't ever go out with him (she had a boyfriend in another school that she rarely saw). She never said no, she said "maybe someday." But whenever he tried to get distance, she'd go to him and be all chummy and conciliatory. She loved having someone stroke her vanity, and didn't care how much the other person suffered. I don't think she's worth this kind of adoration; she's not "all that" in any way, except to him.

 

Anyway, he's been madly in love with his idealized fantasy of this girl for this entire time, and the two of them went off and talked together alone for the whole night of the reunion. Several people thought they were married, and the pictures from the reunion show me with a female friend, but him and her together.

 

Anyway, he had a "panic attack" when he thought he never talk to her again, and is now wondering how he can be still obsessed with someone he hasn't seen in almost 30 years. He knows she's like a drug that makes him feel elated at the time, but horribly depressed afterwards. Some obsessive crushes can be VERY damaging in the long-term, and the pain caused to the spouse is immeasurable. He's sorry it hurts me, but insists he can't think anything badly of her, or blame her at all. I say he's just keeping the idealized fantasy alive, and we'll be spending a fortune on therapy now.