victim vs. victimizer

[onthebound]

i'm not really sure how to appropriately introduce this, so i'll just dive right in.

 

from the time i was born until i was 5 or so, i was sexually abused by my father. because of that, i acted out as a kid and did things that still bother me to this day. a lot of kids do the 'show me yours and i'll show you mine' thing out of general curiosity, but i went further with it and it makes me sick to think about it. i wouldn't say i forced anyone to do anything, but kids at school, daycare, neighborhood friends, etc.. i would coerce them into doing things neither of us really understood. even got in trouble for it a few times.

 

what i regret most is that i did this to one of my friends. i've known him since 2nd grade and we were best friends for years, but eventually grew apart. we still talk sometimes, but just about every encounter i've had with him since childhood has always been awkward.. and i think this is why. he knows what my father did to me, but i don't know that he completely understands why i did to him what i did or how awful it's made me feel all these years. i didn't physically hurt him or anything, just did a lot of things that were inappropriate for kids our age to be doing, and i distinctly remember him not liking it. he would just go along with it to oblidge me, but never really wanted to.

 

i'd really like to approach him about it, explain myself and tell him how sorry i am if i did anything that hurt him or make him uncomfortable.. but i honestly don't know how to approach the subject. i just sent him an e-mail asking if he could meet up with me some time soon and that i want to talk to him about something.. but yeah. i don't even know where to begin.

 

any advice on what to say or how to say it is greatly appreciated. thanks to all who respond.

[waveseer]

What you wrote above seems very appropriate to me.

[onthebound]

What you wrote above seems very appropriate to me.

 

thanks. guess i was just worried i'd freak somebody out. i don't suppose it's often that women would have this issue.

[ScorpiGal83]

on the contrary, many women go through stuff but don't talk about it. I have my own issues, too and I did things when I was really young too, like 5 or 6, that make me cringe when I think about it. Some things just happen and we don;t understand them... but when we're older we can try and make more sense of these things and, like you, even make amends. I think you're very brave in wanting to explain it to him, rather than just going on with life and pretending like it never happened... the sweeping it under the rug response.

 

Good luck! let us know how it goes.

[onthebound]

on the contrary, many women go through stuff but don't talk about it. I have my own issues, too and I did things when I was really young too, like 5 or 6, that make me cringe when I think about it. Some things just happen and we don;t understand them... but when we're older we can try and make more sense of these things and, like you, even make amends. I think you're very brave in wanting to explain it to him, rather than just going on with life and pretending like it never happened... the sweeping it under the rug response.

 

Good luck! let us know how it goes.

 

thanks. still not sure what to say though.

[onthebound]

so i just talked to him a little while ago. was hoping to do it in person, but that wasn't possible so we just talked on the phone.

 

it was pretty awkward for me and i wasn't exactly sure how i should approach it, so i just kinda winged it but i think it turned out okay. i told him that i was sorry if i ever hurt him or made him uncomfortable, and that i was just acting out because of what happened to me and didn't really understand what i was doing. he told me it was okay, that he never felt coerced or anything and that it was very big of me to take this on and apologize. i think he was just trying to be nice about not feeling coerced, cause i vividly remember him being opposed/reluctant when it happened.. but i'm glad he took it as well as he did. i really think this will make things less awkward for us. even though he said it was no big deal, i could tell there was already a difference in the way he communicated and his overall vibe. so, hopefully now he won't think of that whenever he sees me.

[doityourself]

On the Bound-

 

I just wanted to say thank you for taking responsiblity for the things that you have done. Also I would like to say thanks for being honest, being a victim of this causes you to think and do certain things. I hope your relationship and life continues to get better and free of any demons of the past.