2 years and nothing from her

[wlh22]

some of you may think I am a fool writing this (2 years thing). But really. My ex left me over a phone call (we were long distance as after a year or more of relationship, I moved for a graduate degree) out of the BLUE and after that what happened still makes me thing, what was she? was she a total B****?

 

- 2 years or more total together

- left me one night over a phone call (I didn't even think she meant it. Because it was always... never ever leave me and stuff for years)

- Since we were LD, I couldn't know what to do for a few days ( and I had my final exams)

- she is with some other guy the next day she dumps me (I found this after crying/begging over phone .... I know I know ... after ONE MONTH because I happen to check her emails that day)

- and pretty much since she dumped me, she just vanished from my life... no contact / info whatsoever

 

(find details here if you would like )

 

So, it took a long time to heal (and maybe still) and I have no contact with this girl whatsoever (I mean even if I die, she wouldn't know today).

 

I question myself, what happened there? Was this person really worth it? Or did I overidolized her in my mind (I always thought she was one of hte BEST people I have ever met in my life). OR people just do a 360?

 

I went through the healing process - maybe late. But still... But can't help to write this today. The relationship was first love for both of us and was deep.

 

Any thoughts?

[CaptainNapalm]

People don't typically pull 360's so I suspect her withdrawing from the relationship was a progressive thing but difficult for you to spot since it was long distance. When people are unsure of their feelings they sometimes put up a front and make you think everything is swell until they finally come to their conclusions about not wanting to be with you and drop you like a hot rock. In her case, maybe the decision came by meeting someone new. Regardless, give it some time and you'll be fine. As far as checking your girlfriend's emails daily, I would not carry that habit into future relationships.

[abitbroken]

I agree with CaptainNapalm. I also know that we don't have both sides to the story. We only know about the breakup and not about the actual relationship while it was going on. It is very rare when sudden breakoffs happen. There is almost always, unless they get hit on the head and don't know who they are, things leading up to it could have been going on before you left.

[wlh22]

well.. I never ever checked her emails/phone or anything for that matter for the ENTIRE time (2 years and +) we were together. I had 100% trust in her (probably more). I checked that ONE DAY because it was one month after she dumped me (without any explanation - that I would understand.. forget about a reason) and it was my birthday and I felt like crap (so just wanted to see if she is at least reading my emails. Because she was not picking up her phone).

 

About the relationship. Halfway through the relationship, I had to move to pursue education (we both knew that since the beginning of the relationship). LD did play a role (I think) and maybe my being busy did affect the Relationship in some way. But apart from that no signs (I guess maybe I couldn't notice). But 15 days before the breakup we had met and she didn't mention a word about anything was wrong.

 

I agree that LD + a graduate degree work (= lack of time) does make the relationship difficult. But this???

[abitbroken]

I didn't ask about whether the relationship was good = did you snoop on her before, but how was the relationship in general? Not good/bad but did you communicate your feelings well to eachother? were you very physical? stuff like that that is neither good nor bad but stuff about how the two of you worked.

 

 

It is very lonely being in a long distance relationship, particularly for the one who is left behind, but it is worse when the person on the other end doesn't have much time for you - is distracted or isn't as emotionally involved as they once were. It works better if physical distance is the issue, but there is not something huge like grad school that diminishes emotional attentiveness/mental attentiveness. Of course, you have to focus on your studies but when she communicated with you, did you treat her like a bother? I am not "blaming" you, I am just telling you having been in an LDR it is hard.

 

For me, as a gal, and probably guys too, LDRs also work better when there is an "end in site" - when you graduated - did you have plans to reunite with her or was it kind of open ended? If really open ended then it could be that over time things chipped away at her...she was "waiting" for you, but why? What was the big climax? I am not saying you had to marry her, but were you going to move back to be with her, or what was going to happen? Or was it all about "your plans" with her adjusting around them?

 

Also - I would understand if I met a man who was planning to go to school somewhere else 2 years from when I met him, but at that point I wouldn't be thinking about it because on the first date I wouldn't know if we would hit it off enough to last that long. 2 years is an eternity. Then, when I was with a guy for 2 years, I would imagine if we had a solid relationship and there was a possibility of a future together, those plans might not be as rigid because of the changes in his life (meeting me and falling in love). I know you "told her" that "that was the deal" but from a girl's perspective if things weren't tweaked along the way, then maybe she felt you weren't really into her as much as she was into you. I am not saying you shouldn't have gone to grad school - but choosing one closer so you could be together or working towards her relocating to the area somewhere, etc etc, might have been a step in the direction of solidity versus sort of putting her on hold and expecting she'd wait for you.

 

Anyway, I know from experience that LDRs are hard. They are doable for sure, but if she felt like she was in limbo it would be hard - or also if there were parts of the relationship that were less than perfect or less than fulfilling both your needs - LDR can make those more evident.

[jellysandwich]

I question myself, what happened there? Was this person really worth it? Or did I overidolized her in my mind (I always thought she was one of hte BEST people I have ever met in my life). OR people just do a 360?

 

Yes, you put on her a pedestal. Let me tell you something. When a guy falls for a girl, he falls hard. This, coupled with the fact that it was your first relationship, magnified the effect. She's just a typical immature young girl who doesn't know how much work it takes to maintain a relationship and would rather follow the butterflies in her stomach. Nothing special.

 

So no, she's not worth it. You need to move on. You've been in NC for a long time, but it seems like you haven't done much with that time if you're still pining over her.

 

Is she a b----? Well, that depends. If you feel that you need to call her a b---- and make yourself hate her in order to force yourself to move on, then do it. She is not offering you anything in terms of closure, so stop looking!

[wlh22]

Thanks abitbroken for writing... really... unfortunately I found help/forum after almost 1 year of breakup and I could never digest my emotions for long time after the breakup.

 

To answer your questions: and I am very true/honest to myself.

 

I was the 'doer' in the relationship and she rarely took any decisions (for anything actually). So my decision to come to US (yes - I am from a different country) was mine. But we gave our entrace exams for graduate school when we were together and she knew I was going to go for it.

Unforunately, she was a little childish (no drama / fights but still... a little childish I guess) and therefore combined with my being busy I guess the LDR wasn't great about communicating with each other.

There were a couple of incidences only 2/3 weeks before she dumped me that were very confusing. And I guess she basically got confused. (She told her parents that she loves me just 2 weeks before dumping me). She even told her mom that I deserve a better girl (her mom told me right after that day).

 

So, Yes.. I agree that somewhere communication became an issue (especially about feelings). But you know what - This was my first and only love and really respected and believed in this woman. I never questioned her who she was talking with / what she was doing. Because deep down I knew she is always going to be with me (she used to say that).

 

About future planning - like I said before, I was the 'doer' in the relationship. So, I really thought about what would be the best for both of us as far as possible (I really truly cared about this girl). And a graduate degree was my dream and I thought that in 2 years I would graduate and find a job and then we could get married (although, since you ask, we never had a clear discussion about this. But you know what, I loved this woman. I never thought it was needed. I wouldn't have hurt her ever. So for me, it was a committment of life)

 

About physical aspect - well... she sucked at it.. honestly... i mean she didn't even know what she was doing for more than a year. I was patient along the way and you know what maybe she didn't realize how much I cared about her to support her / encourage her and be patient with her. It's sad that she didn't value that.

 

What hurt me was her going with some other guy within like 24 hours. And honestly saying somteimes it hurts even today. Because, this was one girl I thought wouldn't do it. Not because she was with me - but because I thought that's the way she was. A beautiful soul. When we were back in our county on of her friends was in a similar situation thikning about leaving for another guy (who proposed to her) and my ex told me at that time 'how could her friend even think about it and stuff'. And that made me believe in her very strongly.

 

I think that when she told her parents she loves me (this was 2 weeks before she left me), she was getting thoughts (Something) and there was a new guy entering the scene so she just got confused. ANd I was busy with my studies/pressure so didn't know what to talk about.

 

Maybe that led to her taking the irrational decision. But she didn't even have the care towards me to wait until my exams were over (like 7 days) and meet in person to do it (she left me over phone - I agree we were in different cities. But still.... its like we were going to spend out lives togethre and one night she calls me from some other city and I never see her again in my life).

 

I hope you understand my emotions. It is a shock to come and a heartbreak. It took me a long time to heal because I had moved to graduate school so all my friends were new and I couldn' share this with anyone plus she was the only person truly close to me. And I had to finish one more year of school and find a job (with a huge student loan) during this period.

 

I guess I beliveved in her that she will not give up (I knew LDRs are hard...)

[wlh22]

Jelly,

You are right man. Don't women understand this? When we fall, we fall real hard and truly adore our loved ones. It's very difficult to get over that emotion/feeling of hurt.

 

And I think you are right about it. Most women consider 'butterflies in the stomach to see if the relationship is working' ; not the fact that how good / honest / trustworthy and sincere/caring the partner is... well, I guess, no matter what we do, if they don't feel 'it', how can we solve it, right?

[wlh22]

and for her I went from being hte most important person in life to dirt within a matter of 24 hours... and its been 2 years she didn't even bother to check if I graduate/got a job or am alive for that matter...