mother so needy i'm going crazy...ANY IDEAS

[Kary]

ok. I'm at my wit's end. My "shrink" is even out of options!

 

My mom and I were great friends about 7 years back, but then I went to college. I think that it's because (even though I went to college in my small hometown) she couldn't respect or handle me not being around or at home anymore.

 

Then, I moved to a city about an hour away after college and things are even worse. My older brother (he's twenty-eight) went to college ahead of me and when I was ready to go to college, he ended up moving back home and going to the same university. I've figured out that he relies on her and my dad too much and my mom enables him like you wouldn't believe. He's just sucking it all up!

 

So now for the past 3 years, I've been living in a city an hour away and she calls between 2-5 times a day on my cell and at work. She won't stop. I've gone through different methods with my doctor, then my mom to see if they'll make her quit, but nothing works. She just won't respect my independence or privacy or needs.

 

I am like any other daughter, I call her, visit, etc. I give what any normal daughter would give.

 

Other notes: my grandma, although she gets bugged sometimes too, and my mom talk every day (several times), my dad's a workaholic and isn't home alot, my brother obviously doesn't have a problem with my mom's enabling--so she must think she just has to keep pushing me...

 

I have tried the task of not answering the phone, telling her I'm eating or busy, cutting the conversation short, reacting in anger, reacting in yes's and no's and then cutting it short, tellign her how I feel in a nice way and the list goes on. If I don't answer my cell, she'll call my friends and such and try to figure out where I am. She's even come to my city and sat outside my apartment home and waited until I showed, also she's had my manager unlock my door, again, the list goes on.

 

I'm to the point of having a break down or just cutting her off (phone-wise). I wished she'd just listen to my request to only call once a week or every two weeks.

 

When she calls, it's never pleasent. This is why I can't stand it. She'll tell me how she doesn't like this or that that my friend's do, she doesn't like my current boyfriend or past ones (perfect partners or not 100%), I'm not spending money wisely, I'm not talkign to her enough, I don't have the job I deserve, now that I've been laid-off from my past job I'm not looking hard enough or the jobs i'm being interviewed for aren't good enough...list goes on. This is litteraly all I hear. I am doing everything in my power to make my life the best I can. My friends are just fine, boyfriend, past jobs, job hunting/interviewing, conversations with her are plenty, etc. My doc and friends/boyfriend are all telling me I'm fine, my mom's just overbearing and needy.

 

Is there ANYONE out there with some advice!? I've gone from dealing with her (which makes ME unhappy and stressed out) to tellign her honestly how I feel, and NOTHING works! Maybe I should just answer when I want and then deal with her being upset or callings others to find me? But I feel like this may just make things worse in the mother/daughter relationship department. Oh yeah, she's also made my grandma call me when I don't answer and called my "shrink" to set up an appointment to talk about MY sessions with him!!!! This is insane! And I'm going insane! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

[Soulsearcher]

It's either your mom is obssesed with you or you've been a bad girl before and that she does'nt trust you going on by your own business. Don't get mad of what I just said cause I had the same experience with my mom. When I finally moved out she still was there visiting me from time to time but never was before. Does she have expectancy from you. Are you in a good status in life. Some moms are just nagging even there's really nothing to nag about it may be that she misses how she always do it. Try doing something that she wont' be able to say anything about what you didn't do or what you did. Anyway it's still hard for me to understand this cause I am a guy and it's different (mom-son). Either that you're mom is really irritating. Somtimes only way is to do something stupid which is not adviceable for them to see the big picture. "it's really hard to rasie a parents".-----saying in my country. I used to be hated my own but I cleaned up whether proud or not they still nags..lol

[vitalcoaching]

Hi,

 

It's tough to say but sometimes, even family members can drain your energy.

 

If you don't act now, it will escalate. You need to proetct yourself and your personal space. That's you right. You can do that respectfully but firmly.

 

You always tend to think that parenst educate their children. When you grow up, this can often be reversed. Yes! you can sometimes be wiser than you parents and yes! it is okay to eduacte them.

 

take whatever measeur you need to to establish clear boundaries. If you don't act now, this will escalate and get worse.

 

Good luck and stay in touch

 

vitalcoach

[odysseus77]

I'd cut her off just to show her you mean business...if you were to cut her off for a year or two, then talk to her, then she might realize how close she is to losing you...its your life, and if that would make you feel better, then do it...don't give a damn about what it will do to her

[Kary]

I've tried the cut-off thing and that just makes her worse. She and my dad are only an hour-an-a-half away and she just comes to my home if I don't talk to her on the phone. I think maybe it's this (let me know if you guys--all replies from the above--think this makes sense, I found it on the web): Will the mother accept you her daughter as a grown-up? Does she have faith in you to be self-sufficient on small issues as well as large-who have you become , how do you express your sexuality, what about your job, what do you do with your money? Allowing daughters be their own woman is a universal problem for mothers emerging out of mother daughter relationships.

 

Mothers and daughters, who have difficulty with their mother daughter relationships as adults, often duplicate the old patterns of control and upheaval from childhood. They still can't hear each other. The daughter will hear the mother make a remark and she'll think, 'She wants to be in charge still.' And the mother will inadvertently say something that is totalling controlling, but was not meant to be. In the meantime, when the daughter responds, the mother hears nothing but anger-in a remark that does indeed convey anger but another message as well: "I love you, and aren't we able to do this differently?"

 

Most mothers are encouraging of their daughters within their mother daughter relationships, they want to be helpful to their daughters, and feel very bewildered by them. One of the things observed quite regularly is that the mother knows so very little about her own self, that she's giving too much importance on how her daughter turns out rather than, 'What do I know about myself and how do I feel about myself?' Daughters can model a great deal from a mother who is self-aware of herself."

 

This is just a snip-net, if you feel "adventurous" or whatever the term is, here's the article: yourpurelife.co.uk/articles/mother_daughter.html

 

I think she basically doesn't know her boundaries. I've been a normal daughter--rebelling and the like, but no drug abuse or drinking. I started drinking when I went to college and now if I'm saying that I'm going out with a friend when we're talking, she starts in on how I shouldn't drink so much. There's a rare occasion when I drink, and her comments are not necessary--AT ALL!

 

I just had an afternoon with her in my city--she wanted to go shopping and walk through galleries downtown. We had a decent day..but that's very rare.

 

I sent that article above to my dad to have him print it off for her. Told her not to take it as mean or the like, just some good advice. We'll see what happens today when she reads it.

 

I think maybe she's got too much time on her hands. She doesn't and hasn't worked for years, my brother's home working P/T, my dad's a workaholic so not home much...now I'm "alone", in her mind, in a different city. huh. Well, I just don't know. Maybe I should just let her call and when she calls my friends and such or yells at me or guilts me for not answering, I'll just have to say: I want this to work, but it can't be only what you want--just stand my ground. I fell for the "i just needed to talk to my daughter..." act and "i told you to answer when i call..." crap. Now I just need to say "NO". I love her dearly, but cannot DO THIS!!!!

 

While out of work right now, it's hard to stand my ground with her--I'm out of savings, and need them for finacial support...but does that mean that I have to give up my wants/needs because they're supporting my for the time being? How about with a job: she still does this stuff...do I just stand ground with the phone/visits and let HER deal with it?

 

Plain and simple, I feel like I don't have a choice. Like I'm an awful person. Like I never do anything right. I'm just learning like everyone else in the world. I told her that. And that I will take in their advice, but I need to do things on my own. You know, there just seems to be no way out. I'm always cornered by her.

[vitalcoaching]

Hi again,

 

what you write makes total sense.

 

I believe though that if you repeat the message, she will eventually get it. Repeating it is the key. I mean, she bombards you with impressions and emotions you don't want. Bombard her back until she gets it. Educate her. You need extra power and determination to do that and I believe you can be over it.

 

Asking your father for complicity is a good move as well. Get all the support you can with that. The situation is 100% unfair to you. Do whatever it takes. Go for it.

 

When she calls, you can truly say: "Look. I don't have time for this now. I have piles of things to do. I have to go."

 

Be firm and give yourself 1 minute to hang up the phone. interrupt her if she keeps on talking.

 

It does work

 

good luck

 

vitalcoach

[Kary]

I hear ya! I'm in the process of doing exactly what you stated. With her, it's very hard. She pushes the subjects and if I say I have things to do or the like she repeats her conversation or starts in on the guilt trips. It's extremely hard to get her to just hang up. I've even just interrupted and said the above and followed through with: "I'm hanging up now" and she goes beserck! She calls me back 3-5 times thinking I'll answer. It's sooo stressful. Not to get too personal here or anything, but her calls and visits affect me to the point of having physical "responses"--let's just say I have to run to the bathroom even if I'm still on the phone! It's pretty bad!

[vitalcoaching]

Gosh. this sounds really serious. It's almost like a case of your own mother stalking you.

 

I know it's tough to say but the next step is legal action. Not a clue of how this works though. If this was your ex husband, there would be a restraining order or something like that.

 

I think it's good to ask for extra help. Check with a lawyer or go to the local police station and simply get information. Maybe something exists for this type of situations.

 

In my opinion, what is happening is some form of serious emotional abuse. Again, this would be happening in a couple situation, it would be labbeled domestic abuse or something along that line.

 

It's hard to use these words because it is your own mother but your emotional health is at stake here.

 

Do what it takes to defend yourself. It is your basic human right to protect your personal space.

 

Good luck and stay strong and firm. If the phone rings, unplug it. Really do what it takes. There could be other simple measures along that line you can take. keep sharing

 

Alarm your friends, father, family around you.

 

vitalcoach

 

PS: my apologies if anything I saud offends you or anyone else

 

PS2: Check this link for free online legal advice resources (includes family law)

 

link removed

[Kary]

Yup, legal action sounds like the step to take. If she doesn't respect me soon, I'll seriously have to do that. I just cut her off just an hour ago. She tried to claw her way into conversation and started a fight, but I CUT HER OFF!!!! Now, to just follow through every day until she gets it.

[Val_76]

I won't go into my personal life but I know what you're going through.

 

You need to show her you can live without her and that like any other person you can shot her off from your life. Sometimes you will have to be mean to her and stop being a good girl. It will become such a hardship for her that she won't cross the line again.

 

I haven't talked to my mother for 2 years now and I've alienated my 2 brothers by doing so. My brother who's 32 now just went living on his own with his girlfriend (had some news from my father). I became so hard on her (verbally) every time she stepped into my life that we was crying all the time in the end, then I couldn't help it and told her to never call again. I changed my phone number, my email address and I moved in a different place. I now leave 30 minute from her house but haven't seen her in 2 years because she doesn't know where I live. I practice the No Contact rule just as I would have with an ex I would have dumped. In fact I treated all of this like a divorce from someone I spent 26 years with.

 

I was going insane, mentally and physically crashing down, I couldn't stand to look at her without feeling rage and anger. I finally understood that since my father divorced from her in a painfull way and I am the one that look like him the most she reported all her love/frustatrion for him on me. It was like hell. Sometimes you just got to push them as far away as you can, its not because they are family that you owe them everything.

 

Draw the line and show them that if they cross it they will pay the price. Sorry if I sound harsh, but just by writing this I still feel the anger I still have for her inside of me, its kinda crazy because I'm such a peacefull men a caring husband and father. Life is sometime made that way.

[Kary]

What you're saying makes so much sense. My only problem is that I've exhausted my savings. My dad (and mom in a sense, even though she brings in no income) is my financial income. I love him and what he's done for me since I've lost my job. You know this has gone on before, when I was making a very good income. She's just relentless. I think I need to just suck it up and go get a job anywhere, so I can be on my own financially, and then take action like you're saying. That's the only answer--I need a job! Then I can cut her off. Most of the help given to me by all of you guys has helped quite a bit. I'm getting through to her. The visiting and phone calls are now on my terms. The conversations are done when I want them to be done, so the fighting's not happening! Thank you all! I will update when something happens!